Table Number Four
by littlebadhero
Summary: I loved him with every drop of my blood, with every beat of my heart and with every breath I took. I loved him more than Catherine loved Heathcliff, more than Juliet loved Romeo and more than Elizabeth loved Darcy. This is the story of how I fell in love with the boyfriend of my best friend. AU, OOC. HEA for Ana and Christian! ChristianXLeila pairing at the beginning!
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: This story features Christian Grey and Leila Williams as a couple! BUT the happily ever after is going to be Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey! IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN READING THE CxL PAIRING - EVEN IF IT IS ONLY FOR 17 CHAPTERS - THEN PLEASE GO READ SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE YOU START CALLING ME NAMES! THIS STORY IS ABOUT THE PROBLEMS OF A LOVE TRIANGLE; NOT THE RELATIONSHIP ITSELF. You might not get to read lots of Christian and Ana as a couple, so read with caution.**

 **YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE A REVIEW AS LONG AS IT IS MATURE AND POLITE! OTHERWISE I WILL SIMPLY DELETE IT! Thank you!**

 **Table number four**

 **Description: ** I loved him with every drop of my blood, with every beat of my heart and with every breath I took. I loved him more than Catherine loved Heathcliff, more than Julia loved Romeo and more than Elizabeth loved Darcy. This is the story of how I fell in love with the boyfriend of my best friend.

 **Disclaimer: ** All characters are based on the trilogy "Fifty Shades of Grey", "Fifty Shades Darker" and "Fifty Shades Freed" by E.L. James. This is only for pleasure, mine and yours, and I am not earning money from this.

 **NOT BETAED!**

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 **What's up, guys?**

 **This is a new story that wouldn't let me sleep before I wrote it. I had planned to make a one shot out of this but there is too much to tell.**

 **I know, in other fandoms it's not the most original idea but in our fandom there aren't much stories like this one.**

 **What can I say about the story? Well, nothing much yet because I have to be honest with you. I didn't think this through to the end so we will see how the plot and the characters develop. Another thing is that I won't be uploading regularly – I never do, I know – and it's more like a side project. Originally, I had planned to write a few chapters before uploading the first one but I couldn't wait to see your reaction.**

 **My main project is called "Thrill", another Fifty Shades of Grey fanfiction, so go check it out. You can easily find it on my profile.**

 **Let's begin.**

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 **1\. First time they met**

I met Christian Grey on a Friday night.

I was sitting at our local bar with my friends where we enjoyed a couple of beers after an exhausting week of work. My friends and I were talking about work and how every 20 something years old doesn't earn enough to live in Seattle without having to spare at every little thing, when the doors of "Seatdown" - our favorite bar whose owner, José Rodriguez, thought that his play on words was hilarious – opened and Christian Grey stepped in with a few friends of his own.

He walked in with a cool and confident exterior, leading his friends to the bar where he greeted the bartender with a manly handshake – the stupid thing guys do whenever they fear to look feminine while greeting someone – and a breathtaking grin. As soon as the bartender has shared a few words with Christian Grey, he points to an empty table – number four - near us where the new visitors take place. Soon they have ordered their drinks and their laughter fills the bar.

I can't contain myself, my eyes are wandering back and forth between Christian Grey and my own friends. It's no surprise that he doesn't notice me staring. He talks with his friend, makes them laugh and is the obvious center of their group.

"Ana?" My best friend, Kate, waves with her hand in front of my face. "Are you still with us?" They laugh when I am startled.

"Huh?" I look at her as timid as a fawn which makes her roll her eyes.

"I asked you if you want another drink." She points with one of her manicured fingers towards my now empty glass.

"Oh. Yes. That would be great."

"Well, you still have to tell me what you want." Again, they laugh and I blush.

"Another beer would be great. Thanks, Kate."

"No problem, sweetie." She pats me on my head – a gesture that has always annoyed me – before she heads to the bar to get our drinks.

"What's on your mind, little Ana?" Luke, my colleague and friend, asks me with his dimples on show because of his grin. "Are you daydreaming about me?"

I stick out my tongue at him. "You wish."

Kate is back with our drinks, a beer for me and a pink, fruity thing for herself. It looks too pretty to be a drink and I assume that it tastes like pure sugar. Definitely not something for me. I don't like sugar, I rarely use it.

"Great. Ethan and Mia are on their way." Kate announces when she reads the new message on her phone. "They stopped by at the museum to pick Leila up."

"Tell them to hurry, I need another man on this table." Luke jokes and Kate throws a shredded napkin at him. I zoom out of their banter, where Kate tells him that a little estrogen never killed anyone, and my eyes are once again back on table number four.

There, a group of young men sits with their drinks in front of them and an easy conversation between them. All four of them are attractive in their own way, but the one with the dark copper colored hair and the laugh lines on his face was the most enchanting one. He seemed to carry beauty and grace in every one of his pores. The way he moved when he sat down or took a sip of his drink – like me, he was drinking beer – was not clumsy or out of phase. He was elegant while doing the simplest tasks. In my little world where men like him only existed in novels, he was a novelty and a great attraction. Having read so many novels, having watched so many movies about this type of man – the prince in the shining armor - , who always was the romantic hero, I fantasized about this prince being real. I imagined him to come into my life on a white mustang, confessing his undying love for me, whisking me away to his castle.

Of course, this was rather illogical and if somebody ever heard my thoughts, they would send me to the nearest psychiatry.

And also, I didn't know this guy. He looked fine, yes, but he could be a total dick. Who knew if his interior was as beautiful as his exterior?

"There they are. Finally!" Luke's voice takes me back to reality. He is pointing towards the entrance where the rest of our gang is stepping inside with their wet coats – Seattle is usually rainy. It doesn't take them long to notice us and soon there are seven people around our little table. Luke, who seems to be happy to have another male near him, engages Ethan in a conversation about the latest baseball games, leaving us girls to ourselves. Unlike men, women like to greet each other by hugging and kissing each other, a rather dramatic act as if we didn't see each other for months. In reality, we went to lunch together yesterday.

"I need a huge drink, ladies! I have been dying for one since this morning! My boss has been cracking the whip all day and I was this close to murder him." Leila, who is sitting besides me, starts to babble rapidly, obviously exhausted from working at a museum.

"Is he still tyrannizing you?" Kate asks after she took a sip of her drink which colors her lips slightly pink. Leila groans and leans back in her chair.

"You have no idea. He is a sadist. Whenever I am unhappy, he is happy. This can't be a coincidence!"

"You should sue his ass! I am sure it's against some kind of law, maybe the employment's rights or something." Mia jokes and makes us laugh. "Hey! If he enjoys another human beings misfortune than he is clearly acting against the human rights!"

"But the human rights don't affect him because I am doubting that he is human. He is Satan. The only things that affect him might be holy water and a crucifix."

"Maybe you should try to exorcise him like in this movie about the little girl..." Kate starts explaining one of her favorite movies but Leila interrupts her with her hands slightly in the air and a terrified look on her pretty face.

"Could you please stop talking about that movie? I still can't sleep since the last time we watched it." It's been nearly a month since we had a sleepover / movie night where we watched two romantic comedies at first and then Kate suggested to watch a horror movie and I don't know why we agreed to do that but soon we were watching one of the most disturbing things I had ever seen. I am also still trying to get over that night.

"Ana? Are you planning to stay silent the whole night?" Leila turns to me now and her tired face is sporting a grin.

"Maybe. Depends on how annoying you guys are." She giggles and lays her head against my shoulder. "Hmm. You sweater is so soft. Is that a new one?" Leila inspects my sweater which is nearly the same color of Kate's drink and made out of wool.

"Yeah. Yesterday, after work I went to the mall. You know the one besides my office? There was a sale in a shop and I got this sweater and these jeans." I point to my lap where my new, light jeans is hugging my legs. It's extra tight and if it didn't look so darn good I never would have bought it.

"Anastasia Steele! You went shopping? On your own?" Leila gasps, shocked that Ms. I-hate-shopping went to the mall voluntarily.

"Shocking, I know."

"It's more like the apocalypse, honey. But for a beginner, you were successful. Nice choice." Mia, our fashion icon, gives me a thumbs up. I feel blessed.

"Girls, what do you want to drink?" Ethan, who has raised from his seat, asks Leila and Mia.

"Ethan, I want a cocktail with lots of alcohol. In fact, forget the cocktail, bring me a Vodka Cranberry. Or two." Leila is in her element, looking fierce and determined to get drunk after a stressful week. Mia orders a pink, fruity cocktail like Kate's. We watch Ethan going to the bar where he greets the bartender – I think I know his name but I forgot it – with an equally manly handshake like the copper haired man did. My eyes wander back to table number four, where my mysterious prince is having fun with his friends. I wish he would look at me so I could see the color of his eyes. From here I can only guess that it is probably blue.

"Hey! Is this girl flirting with Ethan?" Mia shouts out furiously and my head snaps back to the bar where Ethan waits for his order while a petite blonde is trying to engage him to a conversation. Her body is faced towards his, while he leans against the bar with his front and only turns his head a little to answer her. Ethan is polite as always.

"Hey, missie! That's my fiancee you are talking to! Keep your paws to yourself!" Mia shouts and the girl besides Ethan is confused for a second before she realizes that Mia is talking to her. We see how Ethan tells her something with a grin on his face and holds up his left hand where his engagement ring – Mia insisted him to wear one – is on his ring finger. The blonde girl blushes deep crimson and wimps out to her group of friends who are giving Mia a nasty look. Mia may be small and thin, but if you anger her – usually this happens when women flirt with her man – she gets as brave as a lion. Her spiky, glossy, black hair and her light green eyes paired with her usual sweet behavior makes you think that she is harmless – but you should also know that she is regularly taking boxing classes at the gym.

With her possessive behavior, Mia manages something I would have done a backflip for: the guys on table number four take notice and laugh while they raise their glasses towards Mia. Mia takes Kate's drink and raises it towards the men.

"Well, hello there." Leila mumbles with an admiring look to table number four. "That's some piece of meat."

"Right?" Kate squeaks, her blue eyes now wide and glistening with an equal admiration. "I would do some dirty thing to that big blonde one. He looks like he could take down an army by his own. And you guys know how I like my men strong. We would make a great couple, two blondes against the world." Now she is sighing and by the way her eyes zoom off I can see that she is clearly daydreaming / fantasizing.

"Which one? Two of them are blonde." Mia asks and squeezes her eyes to get a clearer view of their faces – she refuses to wear her glasses.

"The one besides the dark haired one. With the green shirt which I would like to rip off."

"Uhh, Kate, he is too big." Leila grimaces.

"That's what she said." Kate jokes and makes us laugh. "Or hopefully that what I will say when I get him."

"Why does your man have to be blonde? Aren't you blonde enough? Your kids would look like King Joffrey!"

"Jamie and Cersei Lannister are hot!"

"Uhhh, Kate, they are siblings! That's just gross!" I make a face at her.

"The characters are siblings, yes, but the actors aren't!"

"Yeah, but then you should have said that Lena Headey and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau are hot!" Leila reproaches Kate for her mistake. "Anyway, I think the dark haired one is the hottest." Me too.

"He is too pretty. Never date a guy who is prettier than you."

"That's a stupid rule, Kate." Leila frowns. "Why shouldn't I date a guy who is pretty?"

"Because you will be the mortal enemy of every woman within your radius. And the pretty one's are usually not the type for long lasting relationships."

"Now you are just prejudging. It's like you are saying that every woman who is wearing a skirt is a slut." Mia is right. It's a clear case of double standards.

"I am talking out of experience, girls." Kate says when Ethan is back with the drinks and Luke who was silent until now puts an end to our discussion.

"Kate is right. That's why none of you is dating me." He winks and our banter is forgotten.

After a few rounds of drinks when Mia is slightly drunk and Ethan is trying to make her stop kissing him inappropriately in front of us, I catch Leila glancing at table number four. When our eyes meet, she just shrugs and her light blue eyes twinkle with playful guilt.

"He is really pretty." She sighs. "What wouldn't I do for a man like that."

It's not like she couldn't get him. Leila is as pretty as he is. She is a thin, tall brunette with curves in the right places. Whenever she smiles, you can see two dimples on her cheek and right over her lip she has birthmark which makes her full lips look like Marilyn Monroe – she hates this comparison but last Halloween I persuaded her to dress as Marilyn Monroe. We even replicated the famous white dress photograph with the help of a hairdryer. But aside from her exterior beauty, Leila is a caring, clever and sensitive young woman who doesn't take shit from anybody. She is ambitious, daring and confident. Leila Williams is everything I am not and that's what makes her my best friend. If Kate could hear my thoughts she would clarify that Leila is only one of my best friends.

Leila asks how my day has been and I tell her about work and how I spent most of the time at my desk as usual reading manuscripts. Luke and I work as readers at Seattle Independent Publishing. That's how I met Luke and soon he became a part of our group. Kate, Leila and I met at college where Kate and I shared a dorm room and Leila lived right next door. Thanks to Kate, we met Ethan and Mia. Since then we are inseparable, a group of young adults who try to find their place in the world.

"I think I am going to talk to him." Suddenly Leila is on her feet with a determined look on her face. "He can't reject me, can he? I am fabulous."

The other cheer her on while I am crestfallen. I should grant my best friend this handsome guy but internally I am dying. And I am overreacting. It's not like I have a claim on this guy. But when I watch her walk towards table number four with her hips swinging and her long black hair dancing to the rhythm of her walk and when I see how every men in this bar can't keep his eyes off her, I am jealous of her confidence. There she is, going to this handsome man, brave enough to talk to him. I could never do that.

We watch Leila approaching table number four, she puts her hands flat on the table and leans forward a little – she is doing her party trick by showing him a little of her cleavage – and from this far we can't really hear what she is saying but we can see the reaction of the men. They laugh suddenly and one of them – Kate's big guy – stands up and offers Leila his seat before he gets one of the empty chairs from another table. She smiles at him and sits down beside my, I mean her, prince. They look darn good together. He smiles at her, a smile that takes my breath away, and starts talking with her, maybe asking her questions, maybe telling her that she is so beautiful. Whatever it is, it makes her grin like a Cheshire cat. His eyes are never leaving hers, a knowing smile on his pretty lips while she talks. He is leaning back at his chair, on arm thrown over Leila's chair. His dark blue shirt only make me guess how muscular he really is. He doesn't look ripped as Kate's blondie, but he looks good. His face is structured perfectly, his nose neither to big or to small, his jaw looking sharp and his eyes, the color of which I am still not sure on, look alive. They look interested. Interested on Leila.

Soon she is in her element and the four man is hanging on her lips. Her pouty, red lips which are known to make grown men stupid. And I am sure whatever she is saying to them, it's as impressive as her beauty.

"That's my girl." Kate mumbles under her breath, sounding like a proud mother.

"Yeah." It's all I can manage out without giving away too much.

"What is she saying? Can you read her lips?" Mia asks curiously.

"You know how Leila is. She is probably bewitching them with the simplest story." Luke sounds thrilled at Leila's success. "She is as charming as I am."

We roll our eyes at his self compliment and Ethan tells Luke that he is being arrogant. Luke grins and says that Ethan is being jealous. They start to argue but we shush them, not wanting to miss Leila in action. She is putting a very good show, laughing at whatever joke the guys are telling, and low-key touching the pretty one, always small gestures like brushing his left hand whenever she reaches for some pretzels. Only people who know her can know that this is also a party trick of hers. "Body contact is the secret weapon of every attraction." She tells me this from time to time.

"He is soo in her trap by now." Kate's words make the reality harsher.

"You think?" I whisper back.

"Yeah. Even if she doesn't get in a relationship with him, he sure is in for a One-night stand." Crap. I am torn between being happy that he maybe doesn't to be her boyfriend and being sad by the thought that they could have sex.

Suddenly, Leila is pointing towards us while talking and laughing at something. I panic, my eyes are widely open, because we have been staring at them since Leila left our table. The four men turn towards us and that's when my eyes meet with the one's from the prince. He looks directly into my eyes, a smile on his lips, and I turn my head before I blush deep crimson. Crap. I don't dare to look back.

"Why did she point to us?" Kate and Mia asks themselves, Ethan and Luke stopped paying attention by now, while I try to focus on something else. I look towards the bar where the bartender – his name was Mike! Finally I can remember it – is serving a group of girls who giggle at whatever he is saying. I am concentrating on reading his lips, that's why I don't hear the group of people nearing our table.

"Guys, make a little room for my new friends." Leila's voice makes my heart stop for a second. Are they going to sit with us? Am I going to be close to the prince? I don't know if I could bare that.

"Ana, move your chair." I turn my head to Leila who is waiting for me to make room for our new guests and I am startled. I look at her, then look at her new friends who are carrying chairs for themselves, and with a sigh I move towards Kate with my chair.

"Everyone, this is Elliott," Leila points to Kate's big guy, "These are John and Jason." Now she is pointing to a small, dark haired guy with glasses and a big, hulking man with a no-nonsense attitude who only gives us a small smile. "And this is Christian." She introduces the prince with a grin on her face which he sees and he winks at her.

Christian. Christian. That's his name. It's fitting.

"I asked the guys if they want to accompany us." Leila, who is sitting between me and Christian, explains to us. "You know, the more the merrier."

Soon we find out a little more about our new friends. Christian and Elliott are brothers. They met Jason and John in college. Elliott is an architect, he is 32 years old and he is single – he winks at us ladies when he says that and makes Kate smirk confidently. Jason is the same age as Elliott and works as a bouncer in a club – no wonder he is so ripped. Unlike Jason who doesn't give away to much, John is very forthcoming and tells us that he is 27 years old, and studies psychology. He and Elliott are in their element, entertaining the whole table with anecdotes about college and drunkenness. Christian tells us that he is 29 years old and works as a Technician at Trevelyan Enterprises which is pretty impressive because the CEO of that establishment is known worldwide. When Ethan asks Christian about Mr. Trevelyan, Christian says that you would think as a CEO he would be less of a dick.

Like Leila, Christian is the center of attention. His words put a spell on everybody, fascinating us and making us addictive to them. He is as charming as beautiful he is. Crap. I wish he had a bad character, that would make it much more easier.

Everybody talks, even Jason, with everybody, the guys are nice and funny so it's easy to talk to them. But I only speak whenever somebody asks me a question because situations like this always overwhelm me. I fear that I will say something awkward or weird and that everybody will hate me. Afterwards I blame myself that I didn't speak because I will feel depressed at the thought that I wasn't able to speak with people. I will think of myself as a coward. I always do that. It's surprise that I was able to make friends with my group of people. If they weren't forward, I never would have managed to talk to them first.

Instead of communicating like a normal human being, I daydream about unrealistic events and unearthly situations who will never take place. I dream about being Elizabeth Bennett, meeting Mr. Darcy, dancing with him, earning his love, breaking his arrogance. I dream about Romeo who would die for me. And I dream about Heathcliff whose love for me would be the only good thing about him. I zoom out, lean back in my chair and my mind wanders to my happy place – my dreams.

The only place I am the one who makes her way to table number four, speaks to the prince and charms him. In my dreams, I am sitting where Leila is sitting and I am the one who get's the attention of Christian.

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 **Have I captured your interest? What do you think? What's your thought on Ana and the others? How is the story going to develop? Leave me your thoughts and your opinions in your most appreciated review.**

 **Xoxo Melii**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm back. Finally.**

 **Thank you for all your nice (and not so nice) words. It was interesting to read your reactions to my new story. Obviously, not many of you are fascinated by Leila's and Christian's relationship, but who said that their relationship is going to survive? :)**

 **I know, it's awkward to read Christian being with Leila or anyone else besides Ana. But trust me, please trust me that this is in fact a ChristianxAna story!**

 **And you guys were shocked that Christian didn't even notice Ana. But sometimes life is like that. Not everyone falls in love at first sight. People need to communicate, to get to know each other before they can develop any kind of feelings. And of course, you guys only heard the thoughts of Ana who doesn't think very fondly of herself. As shy as she is, it's no wonder that she doesn't dare to talk to Christian.**

 **Have faith in Ana (and me), if she and Christian are meant to be, then nothing can stop them (maybe me).**

 **Have fun and see you at the bottom :-***

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 **2\. The coffee / tea shop**

"Here. Your tea, Ana." Luke places the porcelain cup full of English Breakfast Tea (without sugar, bag out) in front of me.

"Thanks, Luke." I turn back to the manuscript on my laptop and he groans.

"Ana, we aren't supposed to be working when we are having lunch." That so called lunch is consisting of a bagel and some tea.

"Sorry, Luke, I have to finish this one."

"Didn't Robert tell you that you have time until Friday?" Robert is our boss, an old man with a funny mustache.

"Yeah."

"It's Wednesday, for pity's sake! And knowing you, it's easy to say that you are probably eighty percent done already!" He sounds frustrated, as usual, with me.

"You know how I like to get things done as soon as possible. Why are still surprised after working together for the past three years?"

I didn't start to work at SIP right after college. First I had to bridge the unrealistic expectations of employers who desperately were searching for a young adult, fresh out of college, with 10 years of experience. There I was, a college graduate with no job and no money living in Seattle – more like trying to survive in Seattle. In order to do vital tasks like eating and paying rent, I had to find a job – no matter what it would be. I ended up as a vendor at a Hardware store but I still didn't earn enough to have an own apartment. That's why Leila and I became roommates. After college, Kate moved in with her brother, Ethan, and soon Mia, his fiancee, moved in with them. Paying rent is so much easier when you don't live alone.

When I got a job at SIP, luckily my payment increased, but Leila and I decided that we would share an apartment until one of us got in a long lasting relationship.

Luke mumbles something under his breath before he takes a sip of his coffee – with a lot of milk and sugar – and turns his attention to his newspaper, the Seattle Times.

I should feel bad because I am neglecting my friend. But work has always been a priority for me and if don't get my tasks done as soon as possible, I get anxious. That's why I am reading and editing the two chapters of a book called 'Laugh, Love, Life – the three L's you need' – could there be a crappier title? - instead of enjoying my break. It's actually pretty logical: the more I do know, the less I have to do later.

"Look! Kate's article has been published." Luke announces delightedly "You know the one she was talking about? The one with the robbery at the retirement home? Ah, look at this, by Katherine Kavanaugh."

He holds the newspaper towards me, the page with Kate's article on top. I read it and I am not surprised of her brilliance.

"I knew they would print it! Kate was doubting herself! We should celebrate this." I am genuinely happy for my friend, our proud journalist. She was the best of her class and she has her way with humans. When she is in her journalist mode then she can see through you with her penetrating blue eyes. "In fact, we should call her."

I dial Kate's number on my phone.

"Hey, Ana." she greets me. In the background, I hear the sounds of a restaurant. She is probably having lunch with her colleagues.

"Congratulations, Kate. I saw your article!" I cheer her.

"Thanks, Ana. Did you really like it? You know how insecure I was about it."

"Nonsense, Kate! You captured the heart of every reader, I am sure. And your grammar was on point." I assure her.

She makes a gleeful voice and thanks me once again.

"Listen, Luke and I were thinking that we should celebrate this. Maybe on Friday. We could go to eat some fine dinner and afterwards we could go to Seatdown. I'm sure José would sponsor a few drinks."

"That sounds like a plan! I'm in. Ana, I have to go now but let's talk again, okay? Don't be a stranger." We say goodbye and hang up.

"What did she say?" Luke asks as he puts away the Seattle Times into his briefcase – something we mock him for.

"She says Friday is the perfect time for celebrations."

"Hmm, Friday? I don't think I can go out on Friday. My girlfriend and I... oh! Right! I don't have a girlfriend. Yay!" He looks pissed.

"I thought being single was great?"

Luke is a man who likes his privacy and his freedom. Usually all of his relationships end with his partner being needy and him being distant.

"It is great when I can put my feet on the coffee table or when I can have beer for breakfast without someone yelling at me. But I am 31 years old and I need someone who loves me for what I am."

"Really? Beer for breakfast?"

"That's not the point, Ana."

"Sorry. Luke, you say that you want someone who loves you for what you are but it's not a secret that people always have something to nag about. They will always want you to change for them, they will find somethings annoying about you. And in a healthy relationship it's the best if both partners compromise. It's a give and take."

"But do you remember Natalie?" His ex. "She wanted me to stop seeing you guys because you were female and single."

"Yeah, I was talking about a healthy relationship. Natalie was just being possessive. That can't be healthy. Your partner shouldn't ask you to stop seeing your friends, unless they are serial killers. They can politely ask you to stop smacking while eating, for example. And if you don't even try to change, then you are obviously not thinking that your partner is worth it."

"Man, Steele. You are a relationship expert." Luke grins at me. "Are you talking out of experience?"

"No. I am talking about common sense."

To be honest, my experience with men and relationships is thin. Until now I only had three serious relationships, all of them didn't last long. My partners usually had different ideas about relationships and commitment. Some may say that I bored them away with my anxiety, my never ending love for books, my shyness,... the list goes on. But you could also say that my exes all have replaced me with a younger and hotter model as soon as they were given the chance.

I can see why my behavior may have been destructive for a relationship, but some of my exes didn't understand why cheating wasn't a solution.

My very first boyfriend, Joshua Brown, was my high school sweetheart. He was the popular baseball player, I was the shy wallflower. Together we were the main topic of a cheesy, two hours long teeny movie. We were lab partners, he was nice to me and I think the task to microscope onions caused a weird romantic atmosphere. Our relationship, which caused a huge drama at school because the popular boy dating the nerdy girl always does, ended on our prom night where Joshua told me that he had enough of my – I am quoting – 'anxious, prude ass'. I was sad because 18 year old me thought that he was the love of my life but when I found out that he was cheating on me for the past two months with Elizabeth 'Lizzie' Theron – the Queen B of our school – I got over his ass.

Boyfriend number two I met in college. Alex Robbins was studying English Literature like me and when I heard him quote Tess of the d'Urbervilles once, I was sure that he was the most enchanting, dream worthy man alive . He was a really nice gentleman who was patient with me and my funny habits. I lost my virginity to him because I trusted him. After four months, we came to the conclusion that we wanted different things in life – I was planning a happily ever after and he was thinking about going to Europe to have the time of his life. He promised to call me when he is back from Europe and if we both should be single we would try again. Unfortunately, he found the love of his life in Italy – and I can't win against an Italian beauty. It took me a while, but I got over him eventually.

My last boyfriend and I met at the hardware store I worked at after college. In fact, he was the owner's younger brother, Paul Clayton. Back then he was studying at Princeton and we only met whenever he was back in town, which lead to a long-distance relationship – a predestined catastrophe. While Paul was always sweet to me and rather romantic whenever he was in Seattle – dinner in the Space Needle, picnics, big teddy bears, etc. -, he was everything but faithful to me. Guess who had his fun with the ladies of Princeton while I waited for him like the naive little thing I am? I found out when Paul's phone accidentally opened his message box thanks to a technical miracle... okay, I snooped. Call it female intuition but somehow I knew that he couldn't be this perfect.

After having survived these relationships, I had lost faith in humanity and men. I thought that no man ever could make me fall in love again.

Until last Friday.

Last friday I met the love of my life.

I don't know why I am so sure on that because I didn't know Christian Grey but something – my heart, my female intuition, or god himself, I don't know – told me that he was the one. It wasn't just his beauty, his grace or the sound of his laugh, it was something I felt. Like a magnet he attracted me, I felt like a moth who desperately needed the warmth of the light.

And even if this situation should kill me, make me depressive, I never would regret having these feelings.

I had forbidden myself to think about him. Whenever he entered my thoughts, I tried to think about something else. Whenever my heart beat faster because of him, I tried to regularize it. But I couldn't control my dreams at night. Since Friday, my dreams were filled with light gray eyes – I had been able to see his eyes up close when Leila introduced us -, warm laughter and the feeling of falling into cotton candy – soft, sweet and cozy. That's the feeling of falling in love.

I had felt this feeling before and I knew that at this point there was no way back for me. I did the most logical thing: Even if I can't put an end to these feelings, I can still try to stop their growth. That meant, no daydreams about him, no thoughts about him.

I had to endure this for Leila. My best friend.

She and Christian got along pretty well on Friday. They talked all night long – more like flirted - , laughed at each others jokes, were obviously attracted to each other, and what's worse, they looked awesome together. Breathtakingly awesome. Heartbreakingly awesome. I think I died a little. I didn't dare to talk more than it was needed. I politely answered whenever someone asked me something – John did try to engage me into a conversation but gave up when I only answered in short sentences – but apart from that I was silent. My friends weren't surprised. They probably thought that the presence of strangers just intimidated me like always. But if we should meet with our new friends frequently, I had to talk with them. Otherwise it would be suspicious.

I listened to their conversations. I saw how Elliott and Kate got along – she always gets what she wants -, how Luke and John made Mia laugh with their jokes, how Ethan made Jason talk which was surprising because like me he had been silent. And I listened to Leila's and Christian's conversation. I got all the facts which made me fall in love with him harder by listening to how he flirted with another woman. Great.

I found out that his favorite band was Linkin Park, he loved to travel and it was his dream to see all of the world, he loved his work as a technician, he had graduated from NYU, and his undying love for French Cuisine.

By the end of the night, they had exchanged phone numbers. And on Monday, he called her to ask her out. They were going to have dinner and watch a movie on Saturday.

If there was a secretly planned invasion of our planet by aliens, then Saturday would be a pretty good time.

Not that I didn't grant my best friend an evening with a handsome man. I just didn't think that I could survive to see them together. And we all know, that a date with Christian Grey can't be nothing but awesome.

Here I am, a 25 year old young woman, thinking about a man who is interested in my best friend.

I'm pathetic.

Pathetically in love.

* * *

"To Katelyn Kavanaugh, the best journalist of Seattle. To be."

We clink our glasses.

"Thank you, you guys. Without your help, I wouldn't be here." Kate's eyes glaze over, her gratitude can be heard in her shaking voice.

It's Friday evening and we are having dinner at 'La mia casa', an Italian restaurant with big round tables clothed in burgundy table cloths and minimalist decoration in form of a white candle and a single rose in a glass bottle.

"I am going to frame your article, little sis." Ethan tells Kate.

Kate hugs her brother who is sitting besides her.

"What did your boss say to you, Kate? Was he like 'you did great, kid' with a heartwarming clap on your shoulder? Or was he like 'how surprising that you were able to create something else than nonsense' with the expression of Alan Rickman?" Mia mimics fitting voices for the examples she made, making us laugh.

"No, he pulled me over and was very polite when he said 'Ms. Kavanaugh, I was very delighted when I read your article. Jeff and I were in complete agreement and decided that it deserves to be published. I can't wait to see your future work.'" Her eyes are glistening with proud.

"Imaging Kate getting famous. Then we would be friends with a celebrity." Leila swarms. "Unless she forgets us as soon as she is rich and famous."

"Like I could ever forget you. We are friends for life." Kate throws a kiss towards Leila who winks at her.

Our food gets served, I ordered steak with cooked vegetables, and we enjoy our food while making small talk. Luke and I tell our friends about the recent events at our office, our boss fears an acquisition, and Mia makes us laugh with her stories about her students – she teaches math at a high school.

And of course, Leila tells us in every detail her daydreams about her coming date with Christian.

My heart cringes painfully. But I put on a smile and listen to her talk.

"I was at lunch when he called." It feels like I am hearing this story for the millionth time. "When I saw his name on my display, I thought my heart stopped beating. But of course I played cool when I answered it."

By now the girls are hanging on her lips, anticipating a love story.

"He was sweet and told me that he had wanted to be cool and wait a few days before he called me like guys usually do, you know the 'wait three days before you call' act of coolness? Well, Christian said that he couldn't wait to see me that's why he doesn't give a damn thing about coolness." Leila squeaks gleefully while Kate and Mia are grinning at her. "He stuttered a little bit when he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him on Saturday. But god, when he stutters he sounds so cute. I could kiss the cuteness out of him!"

One punch right into my heart. That's what I needed. Thank you.

"When is he going to pick you up tomorrow? What are you going to wear? Oh my god, this is so exciting! I remember our first date." Mia dreamily glances at Ethan who is talking to Luke. The guys don't seem to feel the need to listen to Leila's story again. She had already told it via group chat on Monday, on Tuesday she told it to Kate and Mia with whom she met for dinner, and on Thursday Kate and she had another conversation about it in our group chat. And of course, I had to listen to it a few times more because I was sharing an apartment with her.

"We will have dinner at 6pm, the movie starts at 9pm. And afterwards, who knows what happens." Leila winks playfully at us. Oh god. I never thought about the aftermath of their date. What would happen? Would they meet again? Maybe their date is going to be painfully bad. Maybe they won't meet again. Hope rises in me, hope which I don't want to have. Deep down I already know that their date is going to be great, they are going to get along well and maybe they will even kiss.

A kiss.

I bring my fingers to my lips, fingertips tracing my bottom lip. It has been to long since my last kiss.

And until now I didn't miss the feeling of warm, firm lips on mine.

* * *

Saturday, 5pm.

Doomsday.

The day my pathetic little world is going to crush.

I snort. I'm being histrionic.

"Okay, which one?" Leila asks me while she holds up two shirts. One being black with see through arms, the other being purple with pearls on its collar. She is wearing her special jeans already, jeans that make her ass look great. "Be honest, Ana."

She sound nervous. I never have seen her nervous because of a date. This is new.

"The purple one. It looks great with your complexion." Satan on my shoulder dares me to give her an ill advise, but I love her too much to do that.

Hastily she holds the purple shirt against her upper body and looks down with an arched brow, clearly doubting my choice. But then she smiles. "You are right. Purple looks great. Thanks, Ana." She throws me a kiss before she goes to her bedroom.

I return my concentration back to my laptop.

 **From:** Raymond Steele

 **To:** Anastasia Steele

 **Subject:** Is this thing on?

 **Date:** 09/27/2015

Hey Annie,

how are you? How are your friends? Greet them for me. Your mum insisted that I write you because you haven't called for a week. And whenever we called you were too busy to talk. We are not young anymore. Who knows what could happen to us before you call. (The last two sentences were from your mother. Blame her. Not me.). We miss you, child. Stay safe.

Love,

Ray

My mum's usual guilt trip works. Damn. I will call them as soon as possible.

Ray and Carla, my parents, live in Savannah, where they moved when Ray's firm gave him a raise. He works for a company which is specialized in the great art of carpentering.

My mum is a free spirit, she is searching for her great passion. She used to be a kindergarten teacher, back then when they lived in Seattle, but soon she saw that this wasn't something she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Now she is trying a few hobbies, like pottery making and creating vision boards.

Ray is her complete opposite. He is calm and simple. Give him fish and beer and he is happy. He has the patience of a saint, which he needs with my mother by his side, I suppose.

"Ana! Which lipstick should I wear?" Leila is back in front of me, now wearing the purple shirt, waving two lipsticks in front of my face.

"I like the black one, but wouldn't that be over the top? And the rosy one looks great."

Leila's blue eyes are widen, she looks frustrated. She is wearing mascara which makes her long lashes look even longer and fuller. Her dark hair is styled into a curly mess, it's long and beautiful.

"I like both." I'm getting frustrated with her. She asks me all this stuff as if I am the expert of fashion and style. She should ask Mia or Kate.

"That's not helping, Ana." She whines and ruffs her hair. The two lipsticks fall to the ground and roll on our parquet floor. With an heavy sigh she sits down on our armchair – a flowery thing which we bought from a thrift shop.

"I don't know, Leila. I rarely use lipstick myself, you know that."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry for being a bitch." She glances at our owl shaped clock on the wall. It's a little after 5pm. "But I want this to be perfect. Like really perfect. This is the first time since Mitch -" her ex "- that I have these feelings for a guy. I don't even understand it, I mean, I only met him once for fuck's sake! But I have... these feelings. You know what I mean?"

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I gulp.

My chest tenses.

My heart skips a beat.

Enough of this. I promised myself not to let my thoughts wander to Christian and I forbid my body to react.

"Wear the rosy one. It looks great."

Leila picks up the lipsticks from the floor and thanks me before she runs back to her own room once again.

I quickly type an answer to Ray, promising to call as soon as possible, telling him to calm my mum down. My father is the only one who can do that.

"Okay, my makeup is done. My hair is done. My outfit looks fabulous. I think I am ready."

Leila twirls in front of me, now wearing a black leather jacket over her purple shirt and her jeans. Her feet are cowered in black ankle boots. She looks casual and chic.

"You look awesome, Leila."

I just wish you weren't going out with my prince.

* * *

 **Still hating? Or still loving? What do you think?**

 **Leave your love / hate / whatever.**

 **Xoxo Melii**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, I want to make a few things clear.**

 **First of all, I can work with constructive criticism but if you are just telling me that this is dumb and you don't like it then you are not helping me. And if you are calling me names and blaming me that I only tell about my own stupid real life drama then you should do it with an account and not behind the safety of being a guest. That's why I am contemplating to turn off guest reviewers. I'm sorry for those who where always leaving their nice words where they were actually advising me how I could make my story better. But I don't want to deal with deconstructive criticism.**

 **You don't have to like my story, but that doesn't me that you can keep talking trash about it or me.**

 **Second of all, you guys said that I took away the original magic and chemistry between Ana and Christian. I took it away on purpose because I wanted it to be different than the books. I wanted this to be a slow burn where two people (okay, one of them things that she is already in love with him but that's going to be another topic in the upcoming chapters) meet, connect, and then recognize the feelings between them. Yes, Christian may haven't noticed Ana until now, but that doesn't mean that he isn't going to notice her forever. And Ana being the shy wallflower doesn't make the whole situation any better because with her feeling not worthy to talk to Christian - I know that doesn't make her brave and you can gladly call her a coward, but do you really think that makes her stupid? - and her seeing herself always in second position. Besides, if I had wanted to create the same atmosphere like in the books, then Christian never would have gone out with Leila and the whole story would lose its point.**

 **Again I am pointing out that if you don't like it, you don't have to read it.**

 **Another thing you guys seemed to agree on was that Ana is going to be the bad one here if she and Christian betray Leila – even if she and Christian break up. Well, until now she is just living her feelings all by herself and that's not going to change for a little while (sorry for those who wanted Leila and Christian to break up as soon as possible). Yes, if she and Christian ever get together , things between her and Leila will be awkward but trust me on how I am going to create a solution for this situation. I really don't want to spoiler you so please trust me.**

 **And lastly, one of the guests wrote that Leila has bourbon colored eyes and not blue. That's just my personal decision but thanks for the constructive review (people should take an example of you).**

 **And I want to end my long ass banter by quoting a reviewer, KMariaJ : my story, my rules.**

 ***mic drop***

* * *

 **Hey!**

 **I won't annoy you with another long talk, don't worry. I just wanted to thank those who have behaved like grown adults and left serious reviews.**

 **You guys are my reason to write :-***

 **Have fun!**

 **DISCLAIMER: Not my characters, just for fun.**

 **NOT BETA'ED!**

* * *

 **3\. The new boyfriend**

Two weeks later I had reached the point where self-control was my new best friend. I have to say that I am pretty good at keeping my emotions and thoughts to myself – my mother always said that I was hard to read. It's something that shyness brings with itself – the fear of being judged actually can save your ass in situations like this.

Leila and Christian went out a few more times after their first date. In my opinion they were moving forward to fast, that couldn't be healthy – but I wasn't the right person to judge that. After their dinner / movie date where Leila had the time of her life with sweet, charming Christian who was not surprisingly the perfect gentleman, they had a lunch date a few days later in a cute bistro near the museum. A week later Christian surprised her at work with a packed picnic which they enjoyed in the park – lucky for them the weather had been sunny enough. And for yesterday, Christian had invited her to have dinner at his place because he could make a mean grilled chicken.

It was now Sunday, 11am, and Leila hadn't returned from her date with Christian.

It was pretty logical why.

She had sent me a message last night, confirming my theory.

 **Staying at Christian's.**

 **Leila x**

I squeezed my eyes tightly, trying to ignore the ache in my chest. Dammit! Why does this hurt so much? I knew that this would happen eventually. I shake my head, not even daring to answer my own question and try to focus on the book on my lap. 'Me before you', a story about a bubbly young woman and a quadriplegic man, was something Mia had recommended me to read months ago. She actually had bought me a copy when she noticed that I was prolonging to read it, and since my birthday it had lied on my bedside table, untouched since the moment I had freed it from its wrapping paper. I had been sure that a modern tragedy wouldn't sweeten my tea, I was more the classic girl. But last night when I was turning crazy whenever I thought about Leila and Christian, I had needed a distraction and it was the only book at home that I hadn't read yet – for a moment I had thought about buying an eBook on Leila's kindle but I was a supporter of hardcover books, no matter how practical eBooks could be.

Surprisingly, I very much liked Mia's present at the end. Lou, the female protagonist, was very easy to like and Will, her counterpart, was very easy to fall in love with.

Or maybe I was just thankful that they were distracting me.

With a sigh, I start to read.

An hour later, Leila comes home with a Cheshire cat grin on her face. Her make-up from last night is gone, replaced by what seems to be the lip gloss she is usually carrying in her purse, and her wild, curly hair is back in its natural, straight form – she had a shower. Her blue eyes are shining gleefully, as soon as she closes the door behind herself she squeaks and runs toward our couch where I am sitting under a blanket. She flings her arms around my neck, squeezing me tightly while chanting "Oh Ana!" into my ear.

"It was so great! You have no idea how great it was!" Obviously, she had fun.

"Calm down a little bit, Leila." My book falls from my lap because of her shaking me furiously. She lets go off me and leans back into the couch, crossing her legs beneath her.

"I have wanted to squeak since I woke up this morning!" She laughs dirtily. "I mean, I did some squeaking last night.."

I shake my head and put my hands on my ears. "Too much information, sister!"

She giggles. "You should have seen how much effort he made with the food, the music, our conversation and even the movie we pretended to watch while we started making out."

Last week, after their first lunch date, they had kissed for the very first time. After that kissing Christian had become Leila's priority. Who could blame her? She had described it as 'life-changingly good'. I had tried not to feel heartbroken about it.

"As promised he had made grilled chicken, it tasted fantastic but I would have eaten dirt out of his hands..."

"Ew, Leila!"

"Shut up! Anyway, we had dinner, he had bought a nice wine for it, and later he asked me to dance! And there we were swinging back and forth in each others arms to a song which I can't even remember! Can you imagine? I can't remember the fucking song because of him! That's where we started kissing a little bit, you know, all sweet and cozy. And I was ready to bounce him right there and then! But he insisted to watch a movie and I thought that he maybe doesn't want me! I chose a movie about a bride falling in love with her best friend before her wedding and I was thinking, wow, he really must like me if is ready to watch this movie with me! But apparently he had other ideas! We only watched the first ten minutes before we started to make out! And you can guess what happened afterwards.."

"Stop!" I plea her playfully – or pretend to be playfully because internally I wish her to stop before I die of a heartbreak - "I don't think I want to hear the rest of it!"

Leila rolled her eyes. "Since when you are a prude?"

"Since I decided that I shouldn't be obvious about your boyfriends sexual skills. You know what happened when Mia told us about Ethan's weird tendencies! I couldn't look into his eyes for weeks!" Somethings should stay between partners!

"I don't think that Christian had weird tendencies. He seemed perfectly normal last night."

"You never know. He could be into heavy BDSM."

"Trust me, Ana. With this man, I would gladly accept a few spanks!"

"Leila!"

* * *

"Okay, guys, tonight you are going to meet Christian. And I am begging you, please for the sake of god, please don't embarrass me!"

"We already met Christian, didn't we?"

"Yeah, but tonight you are going to meet him officially as my boyfriend."

"As if we would ever embarrass you!" Mia says with a played shocking face, her hand at her chest where her heart beats. "Who do you think we are?"

"Yeah, right, you guys never embarrass me! How dare I say something like that!" Leila rolls her eyes, the sarcasm thick in her voice. "But please, don't say anything about my exes, especially Mitch, or my parents, you know how weird they can be. I want him to think that I am perfectly normal."

"Relax, baby. You are the best he can get! If he doesn't like you the way you are, he sure doesn't deserve you." Kate puts an end to Leila's misery.

We are once again sitting at a table in our favorite bar, Seatdown, where Leila has arranged a meeting with her new boyfriend, Christian. A few days after their sleepover last weekend, Leila had told us that he is now officially her boyfriend – he had asked her when they went to have a walk on a rainy day under Leila's pink umbrella if she wanted to be his girlfriend. Leila had sworn that it had been the most romantic thing in her life – and that she wanted him to meet her gang. We had agreed to meet him at Seatdown on Friday. This would be the first time I would see him since our first meeting a month ago – unless you could count last Wednesday when he had dropped Leila off after the famous walk under her pink umbrella where I saw only a glimpse off him and heard how he talked to Leila. I was lucky enough to escape to my room before I could see them kissing at the door. Thankfully, she didn't invite him in. I don't think I was ready to have in my personal space anytime soon. But I also knew that this was going to happen, no matter what I did, and I had to get ready to have him near me. Tonight was a good start.

I had thought everything through.

I was going to be polite but nothing else. I wouldn't question him like the others would do, I would keep my distance. If he should address me somehow, I would give him quick answers. This was the safest thing to do.

And I had to suppress the need to get drunk because a drunk me meant a talking me. The last thing I needed was a love confession on my part.

"There he is." Leila whispered, sounding in awe with him. "And remember, nothing embarrassing!"

I turned my head towards the entrance. There he was. Christian Grey was once again walking in cool as an iceberg into Seatdown, from there he waved at Mike, the bartender, before he looked around and saw our table. His face formed a breathtaking smile and smoothly he walked towards us. He was wearing dark jeans with a dark gray shirt and a black jacket. His copper colored hair was wild as last time, the skin next to his eyes crinkled with his smile. I had desperately tried to forgot how beautiful he was. But my imagination had been nothing in comparison with the reality. I felt my cheeks warming, my blood rushing towards the skin above my cheekbones. They probably had the color of Kate's lipstick. Crap.

I looked away as Leila stood up to greet him with a quick kiss.

"Hey." his voice sounded like the chorus of angels. "Miss me?"

Leila giggled as she answered. "A little. Did you miss me?"

"A little more."

I could practically hear her swoon. Oh, no, that was my own.

"Okay, Christian, I want you to meet my friends whom you already know of course, but I mean, officially." She laughed nervously. "Kate, Ethan, Mia, Luke and Ana."

He hold out his hand to all of us, correctly guessing who is who, proving that he has an excellent memory of names. When he hold his hand towards me, I swiped my hand on my jeans unobtrusively because I was sweating like a Republican in a gay bar.

"Hey, Ana." he smiles at me as we shake hands. I smiled back, scared to say something because I wanted to squeak gleefully. He lets go off my hand and sits down besides Leila. My hand feels empty without his. I'm not gonna lie, there weren't any sparks or something when we touched each other, but it felt good. He had big, gentle hands. They were clean but manly.

Soon, the others fell into a conversation about Christian. Kate being Kate started interviewing him and I didn't miss the fact that she was equally interested at his brother. Nearly every question she asked, she linked with Elliott, finding about his and Christian's favorite activities – they were keen campers -, and the year they both spent abroad. Christian answered all of her questions patient like a saint and soon he had engaged her into a conversation about her work at the Seattle Times where one of his friends worked as a photojournalist. The others also asked him some stuff, maybe not as fiercely as Kate, and he always found something to talk about with each of them. With Ethan he talked about the coming elections, Ethan was an enthusiast for politics, with Mia he talked about Paris – that's where he and his brother had spent a year abroad – and her wish to see the city before she died, and with Luke he talked about some TV shows – Luke was a binge-watcher.

I took a sip of my beer, trying to think about something else. I was in deep thoughts about work, my new projects making me anxious because they lay undone on my desk, when Christian called my name.

"Ana." I nearly choked on my beer. "I heard that you are a die hard reader. What's your favorite genre?"

I looked up into his eyes, his gray eyes, and he was watching me curiously.

"I like the classics. British Literature. And some modern stuff." I was turning red. I was nervous. I felt like the whole bar was watching me. In reality, my friends had turned to their own conversations, and only Leila was looking at us – and not because she was suspicious, she was curious how her best friend and her boyfriend got along.

"British Literature, you say. Tell me, who did you made fall in love with it? Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë or Thomas Hardy?"

"Hardy." I mumbled back. This caught him off guard.

"Really? I was expecting Jane Austen." he sounded surprised.

"Why?" I tried not to sound offended. Why did he think that I was more an Austen girl? Not all women had to love Mr. Darcy – well, I did but that's not the point.

"Hardy has a very special writing style. And not all of his books have happy endings."

"I don't read books just because of their potential happy endings. Tess, for example, may not have a classic happy ending, but it was the real story of a woman who was defied by the society. I like the reality of it."

Christian looks at me inquisitively. "Reality over happiness?"

"Yes." I blush when his look intensifies. Quickly I take a sip of my beer, fearing another question. Luckily, Christian is back talking to Luke and Ethan about his camping trips – he and his brother plan to go camping soon and he invites Luke and Ethan to accompany them. Mia jokes, she can't imagine Ethan in the wild outdoors.

Soon they are all deep in conversation, Christian already a part of our group. Leila looks happier than ever while she watches her best friends and her new man getting along. It's easy to like Christian, he is funny and clever.

"Okay, the next round is on me." Christian says and gets cheered on by Luke while he leaves to get our drinks from the bar after having asked us what we would like to drink. It catches my eye that he also drinks beer like me. The others chose more heavy stuff.

As soon as he left, Mia is in her element.

"Oh my god, Leila! He is awesome!" She sounds joyful. "He is a great catch."

"Anyone who is willing to pay for the drinks is fine with me. Don't lose that guy, Leila." Luke jokes before Leila can answer.

"He seems to be gentle, generous and loving. Luke is right." Kate sounds approving, which says a lot about Christian because passing the Kavanaugh test is not easy.

"Free drinks, right?"

"No, idiot, I meant that she shouldn't lose him." Kate throws a peanut towards Luke. She misses him by a few inches.

"Don't worry, guys, I don't intend to." Leila smiles promisingly. "Shh. He is coming back."

As he places my glass of beer in front of me, he winks at me before he says, "Beer drinker, huh?" I just nod before he returns to his seat besides Leila.

For the rest of the evening I try to have fun without being anxious. I try to talk with my friends, to relax. After the week of exhaustion and work, I deserve a Friday night out. And I am proud of me when I manage to relax and have fun. But all the while, the presence of Christian and his relationship with Leila is a bummer, quenching my guts. It hurts to see them cozy together but I am also happy about my friends happiness. Leila had been sad after her dramatic breakup with Mitch. She deserved to be happy after long months of depression. Mitch had broken her heart a million times, leaving her in a mess of emotions.

At the end of the night, Leila tells me that Christian is going to drive us home and she winks playfully at me. I get the message. We leave the bar, say goodbye to the others, before Christian leads me and Leila towards a dark blue Volvo.

"Ladies." he says as he open the doors for both of us. I thank him with a smile.

While I am silently sitting in the back of the car, they have a whispered conversation in the front. I try to give them privacy by keeping my head down and trying not to listen to their words. But unfortunately, the small space of a Volvo makes it impossible to do so.

When I hear the words Leila whispers to him, I am close to cry. "You could stay, you know. You don't have to drive to the other end of the city. My bed is big enough."

I don't hear what he answers her because I am to busy to pretend that I am deaf. I try to play around with my phone, checking former messages and looking at my pictures.

When Christian stops the car in front of our apartment, I wait for them to leave the car, but when they don't I assume that they want a private moment. And that Christian isn't staying at our place.

"Umm, thanks for driving us, Christian. See you." I wave awkwardly when he turns his head a little towards me.

"No problem, Ana. It was really nice to meet you. Officially."

I laugh faintly and mumble something about it was nice to meet him too before I get out of the car.

Back in our apartment, I go directly to my room, I have to get out of these jeans. I slip in into my sleeping attire – a far too big t-shirt and pants with a red and blue tartan pattern. When I am brushing my teeth in our small bathroom, the apartment door opens and I hear how Leila throws her keys into the neon green bowl on our antique sideboard. She sighs heavily before she knocks on the slightly opened bathroom door.

"Come in." I call out to her with my toothbrush in my mouth. She closes the toilet lid and sits down. From the corner of my eye I watch her. Leila looks tired, her head thrown back and her eyes closed. Her brown wool dress has ridden up a few inches, revealing more of her dark stockings. She deliberately chose to wear one of her favorite outfits today, she had hoped for another sleepover. I spit out the toothpaste and rinse my mouth and toothbrush.

"Christian isn't staying over?" I ask her. She opens her eyes and shakes her head before she gets up to brush her teeth. I make room for her in front of the sink and lean back against the tiled wall.

"No, he has to get up early tomorrow. Tomorrow is Sunday and he has to go to church."

"Is he religious?" This surprises me.

"No, but his mom is and they always go to church on Sundays."

I give her some privacy and go to my room where I open my laptop. There are a few emails that need to be answered. While I am deep down reading my fathers recent email – once again my mother has managed to manipulate him to write her camp word "Why aren't you visiting us? You should take a break from work and visit us. Who knows when we will see each other again or if we will see each other again? - Leila comes to my room, now wearing her pj's and without makeup.

She sits down on my bed with a concerned look on her face.

"Ana, didn't you like Christian?" she asks out of the blue, surprising me.

"Why would you think that, Leila?" I sound revolted.

"Because you barely talked to him all night. The others seemed to like him but it's you who I want to like him the most because you have an excellent estimation of characters. You know to analyze every one of their moves."

While I wanted to look disinterested in Christian, I managed to look cold and distant. My blessing and my curse. Crap. I didn't want to make her feel bad.

"I don't have a problem with him. I am just... shy, okay? You know how I am with strangers." It's the truth.

Leila looks deeply into my eyes. "Really? Is that the only problem?" She wants assurance.

"Yes, Leila. I promise you that there isn't anything else."

* * *

 **Thoughts? Dying to read them :-***

 **When will I upload again? Probably not before March. Sorry, i have exams.**

 **Melii x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yeah. I know I said I wouldn't upload until March.**

 **But this chapter had to be written as soon as possible. I practically run out of my first exam and started writing it. It took me less than 5 hours. I'm proud of me :D**

 **But the next chapter will be uploaded in March. Not before. I hope.**

 **Thanks for all of your reviews and for keeping up with me and my story. I am happy that some of you understand the concept of reading what you like and ignoring what you don't.**

 **And I was also very happy to see that one of my most favorite authors is reading my story, ItsAStrangeDay! Go check out her stories, they are freaking awesome!**

 **See you at the bottom.**

 **DISCLAIMER: Not mine, not yours. E.L. James owns all.**

 **NOT BETA'ED!**

* * *

 **4\. House party**

On Thursday morning, Leila and I are having breakfast at our small kitchen island. Leila has made her special recipe, French Toast. It tastes fantastic. In front of me lays the Seattle Times, which features an article about Trevelyan Enterprises and its CEO. Apparently Mr. Trevelyan – a rather handsome man portrayed in a picture besides the article – has expanded his company within a few months to Asia. He is known to be a philanthropic, generous and efficient man who has a rather interesting social life – at every social event he is accompanied by a different, hot model. The article bores me as soon as it only focuses on Mr. Trevelyan's choice of women rather than his work. I push the newspaper away from me and blow softly into my hot tea before taking a sip. When I notice that Leila, who has made my tea, has given me her favorite cup – pink with silver glittering hearts – which she normally protects like her firstborn, I am suspicious.

First she has made French Toast, then she gives me her favorite cup – something is up.

It's also very suspicious that she is unusually silent. Normally she would have bubbled about something that was on her mind and I would have pretended to be interested. This makes me sound like I am a bad friend but I really don't care about the technical differences between expressionism and impressionism. I didn't study history of art like she did.

Instead of talking, she is pretending to concentrate on her phone, while she keeps looking at me from the corner of her eye. My heart skips a beat. A million thoughts running crazy in my head. What happened? Why does she behave like this?

I decide to break the unbearable silence.

"What is it, Leila?"

She slowly turns towards me, our wooden bar stool creaking a little under her, and bites her lip while she gives me a worried look. Her teeth smudge her lipstick.

"I have to ask you something." Leila whispers. Either she is going to ask me to kill someone or she is making a huge deal out of whatever it is. "Christian is hosting a party this Saturday. He invited us."

A party at Christian's. Now the potential task to kill someone sounds more appealing.

I groan, "Leila, you know that I don't like parties." Especially those which are hosted by my best friend's boyfriend for whom I kinda have feelings.

Leila puts her hands on my arm, a pleading look on her face.

"I know! But he is hosting the party so I can meet his friends! I already asked the others, they are all coming! Well, Kate is going to be late but she will come too!"

"Can't you meet them by yourself? He met us last weekend without any support of his friends."

"He invited you. He said that my friends are his friends."

"That's nice of him. But you know how I don't like parties and stuff." Socially awkwardness is an incurable illness. Or it felt like it.

"Please, Ana." she begs. "It will be super easy. Just us and the guys from the bar. You remember them, don't you? I will be by your side all evening."

"I don't think Christian would appreciate it if you spent most of your time with me."

"If it makes you happy, then I am willing to risk that."

I look at her begging face, her lips slightly pouting and her puppy dog eyes. Damn.

"Okay, but I won't dance. No need to humiliate myself."

Leila hugs me joyfully and soon she is back to her usual self – bubbling about a young artist whose paintings are going to be featured at the museum.

* * *

Christian's apartment is located at an eminent area of town, making our own neighborhood look pathetic. He lives in the fifth floor of a ten story building made out of dark brick and black iron. It looks very industrial from the outside.

Ethan parks the car near a playground and from there we walk towards the entrance. He and Mia were nice enough to pick me up because Leila had decided to help Christian preparing snacks and drinks – an excuse to spend more time with her beau. I didn't own a car myself and usually Leila would drive me wherever we were going.

"I wonder how his apartment looks like. I bet it is a typical single guy place. You know, rarely decorated and a fridge filled with beer and water." Mia speculates as we make our way towards the entrance, a path with bushes on each side. The pebble stones beneath our feet crackle with each step we make.

"Isn't that a cliché, honey?" Ethan gives her a loving look.

"Cliches came to life for a reason. Christian looks like a simple guy."

Christian was anything but a simple guy, I thought. He may look like a simple guy but I guessed that there was more behind his cool exterior. Of course, I couldn't make much assumptions. There was still so much to learn about him.

Ethan rings the bell to Christian's apartment. After Christian buzzes us in, we take the elevator to his floor where he already has opened the door and greets us with a smile on his lips. He is wearing light jeans and a dark red pullover with black geometrical symbols. His copper colored hair wild on his head, a few strands on his forehead, gray eyes looking softly at us. Behind him we can see a small hallway leading to an open living area and three doors which probably open to other rooms. Sounds of people talking, laughing and music can be heard.

"Welcome to my humble place." Christian jokes as he greets us with a handshake.

"Hey, Ana." he gives me a big smile as we shake hands. I smile back and hurry inside, already blushing heavily. Christian takes our coats and tells us to head to the living room where Leila, Jason and Elliott are having drinks. They are sitting on Christian's dark blue couches, holding their drinks in their hands.

Unlike Mia speculated, Christian's apartment doesn't look like a bachelor pad. He has two couches facing each other, between them there is dark wooden coffee table with snacks, empty plates, drinks and a pizza box on it. Beneath the couches there lays a dark gray-ish carpet with green stripes, matching the pillows on the couches. Christian has a little bar area on the right of the siting area, with shelves on each side where his immense collection of books and other clutter is positioned. From here I can't see the titles but I am eager to find out about his choice of books. Right in front of the doorway stands a sideboard with a chic TV on it, facing the couches. The room is lighted by a modern ceiling lamp and a floor lamp by the bar. A window is facing towards the door, giving us a view of the playground where Ethan parked. From the stereo on one of the shelves the voice of Beyoncé can be hear – obviously Leila is in charge for tonight's music.

Leila is the first one to notice us. She jumps up from her seat, a heartwarming smile already on her lips, and greets us all with a hug. From the way she moves you can guess that she already has a few drinks – with a look to her glass I see that she was drinking a Martini. The other two guys greet us with handshakes, Elliott grinning hugely while Jason gives us a cool smile.

"Sit down, guys. What do you want to drink? Mia, I assume you want a Martini. I am having one." Leila bubbles as she practically pushes us into our seats, making us laugh. She is either too drunk or too nervous. Soon, we have our drinks – Mia her Martini, Ethan and I enjoying beer – and we are eating the pizza Christian has ordered already. Thanks to Leila he was able to know what we would like on our pizza. When we ask Christian where John is, he tells us that his friend couldn't make it today because of a blind date.

I watch Leila for a while, how she talks with Jason and Elliott – giving her best trying to impress quiet Jason and making him smile with her peculiar Leila charm – and how Christian can't keep his eyes off her. She doesn't notice it, the way he smiles whenever she makes a funny gesture when she is bubbling about something, his eyes looking lovingly at her. I gulp down the bitten piece of my pizza, feeling like I am eating something extremely bitter.

"And my mum kept pushing the door while the other lady kept pushing it too. And I was right beside them, telling them to let go, but my mum just screamed at me. She is incredibly stubborn. So, I sat down on the floor, waiting for them to calm down. It took them half an hour before they gave up and we finally were able to leave the supermarket. It was so embarrassing!" Leila was telling the guys about Mrs. Williams' famous act of obstinacy where she mistook the push and pull of a door, embarrassing young teenage Leila while doing so.

"Does obstinacy run in your family? Should I prepare myself for something like that?" Christian asks Leila between laughs.

"No, I am saint. Being stubborn isn't my thing." Leila confesses him with a promising look. "You don't have to be scared." She presses a tiny kiss to his cheek.

"Christian is stubborn enough for both of you. Don't worry, Leila." Elliott mocks her playfully, looking very good tonight. His golden hair is combed neatly, framing his beautiful face. Elliott is wearing dark jeans and a white shirt with a black vest. If Kate could see him right now, she would curse herself for going out with Nate – a guy she met at work.

"Really? You never told me that." Leila plays along and slaps Christian on his arm softly.

"You made me forget it." he whispers to her, making the others grimace – Elliott mentions to throw up – while Leila beams at him. If she was a comic character, her eyes would be the shape of hearts by now. She leans down to Christian's ear and whispers something to him which makes her blush. He answers her with a quick kiss on her lips. I think I just got stabbed.

"Where is Luke? Wasn't he a friend of yours?" Jason, who is sitting beside me, asks me suddenly. Surprised that taciturn Jason talked, I look towards him. He is giving me an attentive look. Being near him, I now notice his extreme buzz cut hair. It suits him somehow.

"Oh, he said he is going to be late. He was visiting his parents today and it takes a while to drive from Portland." I tell him softly, secretly thankful for something to talk about.

"Are you from Seattle?" I am taken back at his sudden interest in me but I answer politely.

"Yes, born here and living here. Obviously." I laugh nervously and take a hasty sip of my beer. "And you?"

Jason tells me that he is from Chicago, his parents and his whole family still lives there, and moved to Seattle ten years ago after he dropped out of college – like Christian he had attended NYU – and didn't want to go back to Chicago. He came to Seattle where one of his best friends was from and started a new life. I get the feeling that he was running away from home, from his family maybe, but I don't ask him for details, respecting his decision not to tell about it. We soon are talking about our favorite books and movies – surprisingly we have a similar taste – and compare each others dislikes.

"Ana, will you help me with the plates?" Leila asks suddenly. I look up, turning away from Jason, and see that Leila is giving me a pointed look – a look that means trouble for me.

"You don't have to do that, baby. I will do that." Christian tries to tell Leila but she only tells him that we are capable of putting some dishes away and that it is no problem at all – I get the feeling this isn't about the dishes. I smile at her and start stacking some of the dirty plates and glasses in order to take them to the kitchen.

Like a puppy I follow her to the kitchen with light wooden counters and a modern looking fridge and stove. The counters are L-shaped facing a small window. In the middle of the room there is a square table with 5 mismatching chairs. The open packages of the snacks in the living room are placed on the counter with a few bottles of drinks.

As soon as Leila has put the empty plates in her hands into the sink, she turns to me with a big grin on her face, her dimples on show. She looks excited.

"You were flirting with Jason!" She whispers enthusiastically to me.

"What?" I squeak and nearly let the plates fall.

"Please! He was so into you!"

"No!" I am screaming now, she shushes me with a nervous look towards the door.

"You were the only one he talked to."

"Maybe he was just being nice, Leila!" Seriously, people shouldn't mistake friendliness for flirting.

"He was being too nice."

"Leila!" I groan, annoyed already. "Please!" I think the alcohol makes her stupid.

"Don't think that I am not happy about it! I am just astonished by it. He is so... quiet. But so are you. You would make a great couple." For the love of god.

"Okay, Leila, it seems like you had enough drinks for tonight."

"Ana, I am trying to help you. You haven't been on a date since Paul!"

"I really don't want to talk about Paul right now. Or ever."

"You should go out with Jason." she ignores me and my wish to stop talking about dating. "Christian and I could play matchmaker. This is so exciting!"

I decide that I should also ignore her. I walk to the sink and place the dirty dishes besides it on the counter. She rambles on.

"We could have double dates. That would be fun."

Maybe I should put the dishes in the dishwasher.

"We could go to vacation together. You, me, Jason and Christian."

I take a deep breath, mentally count to ten, before I turn to her.

"I'm not interested in dating at the moment, Leila."

This catches her attention. She frowns when she asks, "Because of what happened with Paul? Or the others? Don't you trust men anymore?"

"No, it has nothing to do with my past relationships. I just... don't want to. And I would appreciate it if you didn't push me, okay?" I try to give her one of my rare, stern looks – she always tells me that thanks to those she knows where my boundaries are – and I succeed. Her mouth forms an 'o' and she sighs before she apologizes for her behavior.

"I didn't want to push you into anything. Sorry if I have angered you." The sad look she gives me makes me feel guilty.

"You didn't. I know you didn't meant any harm." I step towards her and hug her hard. Her soft, feminine smell fills my nostrils as I press my face into her glossy hair. Her warm body against mine feels good, Leila is a good friend – no matter how annoyingly drunk she can get sometimes. She hugs me back and murmurs again how sorry she is.

"Ana, Leila... Oh!" Suddenly Christian is standing at the threshold, obviously coming to check up on us when he caught us in an embrace. "Everything all right?" he asks with a concerned voice.

"Yes." I assure him with a smile and push Leila gently away. She turns to her boyfriend and nods at him before she goes to hug him.

"We had a girls talk, that's all." she mumbles when she is pressed against his body, his arms around her. Her skirt suits her well, I notice. A yellow thing which she combined with an light gray shirt and black polka dot thighs.

"Do all girls talks end with a hug or did I just interrupt you?" Christian grins dirtily and Leila slaps his arm.

"Pervert." she mumbles.

"Your pervert."

Aaand now they are kissing. Great.

I look away, finding a distraction in salted pretzels and their package. I read the information on the package like it is the revelation of God's secrets, giving it much more attention than needed. I hear how Leila clears her throat and giggles. Obviously they have stopped kissing.

"Let's head back before Elliott starts telling lies about me." Christian suggests and I hear how Leila says something in agreement. "Ana? You coming?"

"Yeah, I will... I have to make a phone call." I have to look into his face, his gray eyes soft and warm while he simply nods.

"Who are you going to call, Ana?" Leila's interest is picked. I give her a stern look before I answer her.

"Luke. He should be here by now. I'm just checking up on him."

She is happy with what she hears, her attention no longer on me. Leila bubbles about karaoke and that Christian has promised her to sing tonight as she starts walking out of the kitchen.

"Beer is in the fridge, Ana." Christian smiles at me before he and Leila leave the kitchen. I sigh as I get myself a bottle of beer out of the fridge – which isn't stocking only water and beer like Mia suggested – and lean against the kitchen counter. Placing the cool bottle on it, I try to eat some of the crackers, hoping that they will kill the butterflies in my stomach. While I am munching on some salted pretzels, Elliott enters the kitchen with a tablet full of empty glasses.

"Not much of a party girl, are you?" He asks me as he places the tablet besides the sink.

"That obvious?"

"Just a little." he grins at me and runs his fingers through his hair. "But it's a good thing that I have found you all by yourself."

"Why?" I ask suspiciously.

"Well, there is something I have to ask you and I am too shy to do it in front of the others."

"You don't seem like a shy guy."

Elliott laughs out loud.

"Hell no, I am not! But this subject is kinda... private."

"Shoot."

"Your friend, Kate, the blonde one. Wasn't she invited?" he tries to sound cool, failing terribly. His cheeks pink a little. That's cute.

"She has a date." His eyes widen when I tell him about Kate's evening. I feel the need to comfort him. "But she said she was going to stop by afterwards if it isn't a successful evening."

"Poor schmuck doesn't know that he has tough competition." I snort at his joke.

"The toughest."

Elliott wanders back to the living room, leaving me to myself once again.

I do call Luke as I told Leila but he doesn't pick up his phone, so I leave him a voice mail. And I write him a message where I ask him when he will pleasure us with his presence, knowing that he will make some dirty joke about my text message.

I also text Kate, asking her how her date with Nate is and if she will stop by at Christian's. Her answer comes quickly.

 **On my way.**

 **Kate x**

It's nearly 10pm. Her date must have been awful otherwise she wouldn't be on her way already.

 **How was Nate?**

 **Ana xo**

As Elliott called him, poor schmuck was after her for months now. She always had rejected him, even if she found him pretty and funny, telling us that she would never do the mistake of dating a coworker. But last week, he had asked her again for the millionth time and she got so annoyed with him that she agreed to go out with him.

 **Painfully boring.**

 **I faked an illness to get away.**

 **If anyone asks, I have a sore throat.**

 **K x**

I laugh at her words. Looking around I notice the dirty dishes in the sink. I hate untidiness – it's a miracle that Leila and I can live together with her being the most chaotic person on earth -, it makes me anxious like an undone task. So I get to work, opening the dishwasher, and starting to put the plates and glasses into it.

"Everything all right, Ana?" Christian is suddenly standing at the threshold, giving me a curious look.

"Yes, yes. I was just... putting these in the dishwasher." I point towards my task and hastily turn away from Christian. Blood is already rushing to my cheeks as I try to place the dirty dishes in the drainer with my slightly shaking hands. My eyes are focused on my task, but my ears are pricked.

"Thanks for doing that." Christian's voice sounds closer now, he has walked into the kitchen towards me. "But you really don't have to do it. I can put them in later."

"It's not a problem, really."

"Leila wants to sing karaoke. You could sing too if you want." He is now leaning against the counter right beside me. In the progress of focusing mainly on my task, I can't see his face while keeping my eyes to the dishes and dishwasher. But I can see his legs – long, strong legs – and his sneakers. I can feel his eyes on my face, my blush deepens and I try to shield my face with my hair. It's a good thing to have long hair sometimes.

"I'm not much of a singer." I answer him quietly, embarrassed at the thought of humiliating myself with a microphone and a terrible voice.

"Neither am I. But it could be fun." he tries to encourage me into something I wouldn't do even if my existence depended on it. Not even he can make me sing in front of others.

"Thanks, but I pass." I say as I place the last dish in the drainer. Now being without a task I have to look up. He is watching me, his eyes full of curiosity. He has crossed his arms at his chest and looks pretty cool while leaning against the counter. I hem a little as I mimic his posture so that we are standing side by side – this way I don't have to look into his eyes.

"We could do a duet if you want. Two karaoke haters against the rest of the world."

I grimace. "I really don't like to sing." I can't help myself, I glance at him. His frustrated look on his face surprises me.

"You don't like parties?" He is the second Grey who asks me this today. They are impressively vigilant.

I shake my head, feeling insecure. "Not really."

"What do you like then? I mean, apart from books." Surprised that he remembers my keen affection for books I look up. He is grinning now, his eyes glistening with success. He is enjoying that he caught my attention.

"Movies, I guess." Christian looks sulky for a second because of my short answer.

"Which movies in particular? Do you like the movie versions of your favorite British novels?" His interest in me and my hobbies is irritating me. Shouldn't he be asking Leila all these questions? Last time I checked she was his girlfriend, not me.

"Actually, no. I find the movie versions horrible. They never catch the depth of the real story." After I watched Pride and Prejudice, the one with Keira Knightley, I was horrified and still denied the existence of this movie. "But I enjoy thrillers. Mystery thrillers especially."

His eyebrows raise to his forehead, he looks perplexed.

"Really?"

"Yeah." I shrug and look away. My focus falls on my neglected beer bottle, I feel thirsty. I take a long sip, afterwards I don't put it away and start playing with tag of it. The silence between us is getting weird, I should probably talk. Or we could go back to the others where I wouldn't have to talk. I hem again, feeling anxious, and look at Christian.

"Let's head back. I don't want to miss Leila singing." I give him a small smile and without waiting for his answer I start walking out of the kitchen, leaving the silence and Christian's interest in me behind me.

* * *

 **What do you think? Do you like Christian and Ana talking? Or Jason and Ana talking? And NO, they are not going to be a couple. Like Ana said, people should stop mistaking friendliness for flirting.**

 **Leave your love / hate.**

 **Xoxo Melii**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to my dear friend, let's call her Hermione, I was able to write this chapter in a short period of time. Without her help it would have taken me a million years probably.**

 **Thanks, Hermione :-***

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own FSOG or anything related to it. I just have my fun with the characters for your entertainment. And I am not earning money from this.**

 **NOT BETA'ED! (I think I need one)**

* * *

 **5\. Acquaintances**

"And you rarely call us, darling. I have been worried."

"I have been working, mum."

"You work too hard, Ana. You should go have some fun. Meet a nice, young man, fall in love."

"I have fun, mum. And I enjoy my work."

"Of course you do, darling. But don't forget to live, okay? I have to go, Louise wants to come over for coffee. Don't be a stranger. Love you."

"Love you too."

We hang up, the phone call has made me feel more guilty than I felt before. Knowing that you don't call your parents as often as they want is one thing, but hearing their disappointment is another.

I lay my phone on the table besides my plate, who knows maybe I could get an important call. I take a bite of my burger and munch some fries, my eyes wandering to the other costumers of 'Ernie's Diner'. During lunch hours, Ernie's is always packed with people who are thankful to escape their job for an hour where they can enjoy something to eat. Men in cheap looking suits and women in uncomfortable skirts and blouses are having lunch with coworkers whom they probably don't even like.

Ernie's is a must for everyone within the area who doesn't earn enough to go to one of the fancy restaurants and bistros to have lunch. You either eat your cheap, middle class burger at Ernie's or you starve. Thankfully, I was never the girl for expensive food which is always served in small portions that could never be enough for a grown human being. Ernie's burger has the size of my head and it doesn't cost me a small fortune. Plus it comes with a free cup of coffee on side.

Ernie Smith, the man behind Ernie's Diner, has started his business back in the 80's and he obviously hasn't renovated his shop since then because everything inside it screams that it belongs to the 80's. The black and white square tiles of the floor, the red chairs and seats and neon pink ceiling fans look old and used but clean enough to eat here. The waitresses even had to wear ridiculous uniforms fitting the style of the diner, but after a big fuss between Carol, Lily, Samantha (the three waitresses) and Ernie last year they were now wearing their own clothes.

I pick up my neglected book from the empty seat beside me, watching the other costumers no longer interesting, and open the page where my bookmark is squeezed in. My choice of lecture is 'The Surgeon' by Tess Gerritsen, a suspense novel which I have found thanks to Leila. She loved the TV show based on the books of Tess Gerritsen and made me watch it with her once. I had quite liked it but when I heard that the show was based on books, I chose to read instead to watch. And I wasn't disappointed, the novel was very much appealing until now. I read a few pages while drinking my free coffee, my plate is empty now, and enjoy the rest of my lunch. It's unusually quiet because of Luke's absence. He has got a cold and he wasn't able to make it to work today. Claire, our receptionist at work, had asked me to accompany her and a girl from finance to have lunch but I had declined because I had rather wanted to have some time for myself. I liked Claire, she was energetic and full of life, her tone always lovely and her wit always admirably. People called her Bambi at the office because of her big brown doe eyes and her petite body.

"'Rizzoli and Isles' is one of my favorite shows." I look up, confused that someone is talking to me, and meet the green eyes of a handsome, young man who is giving me a flirtatious smile. "That's the book of it, isn't it?" He points to my book.

"Uh, yes." I smile back politely and blush.

"Do you watch the show too?" his interest in me freaks me out a little bit.

"No, I prefer to read actually."

"I also want to read the books but I never find time for it." In a shy and insecure gesture he scratches the side of his head, his eyes darting down to his feet for a second. "I'm Ben."

"Nice to meet you, Ben. I'm Ana." I sound more confident than I am.

"Do you like Ernie's? Are you a regular here?"

"Uh, no. I usually have lunch at the coffee house near my office." Luke isn't a fan of Ernie's or any diner. He says, that the only Diner he will ever have a meal is where Max Black is the waitress – he loves '2 Broke Girls'.

"Yes, of course. Otherwise I would have seen you before." Ben is back to flirting with me – and I am not sure if I like it. "Perhaps we will see each other again." He winks at me. I never felt more uncomfortable in my life before. Random flirting with strangers has never been my strength. I just smile back, hoping that he will get the clue and go his way. Thank god, he excuses himself with pink cheeks and rushes back to his own seat on the other side of the diner.

Ben's departure makes me focus on my book again. I read quietly to myself while the costumers of Ernie's talk with their stressed coworkers about their pain in the ass bosses and their equally painful tasks at work. Forty something mum's enjoy their beverages with their friends while they gossip about their neighbors and colleagues, they talk about their kids soccer training or exchange recipes which they claim to have from their grandmother, but in reality they probably have copied them from some amateur cooking website where wannabe chefs criticize KissTheCook123's apple pie like their life depends on it. I hear the sounds of people talking, the sound of the grill and the funny noise that ketchup bottles do sometimes when there is too much air in them and how the bell over the door rings whenever a new costumer enters the packed diner. The cold wind of October breezes in whenever the door gets opened, the rain taps slightly against the windows. Luckily I have brought my umbrella with me.

I take the last sips of my now cold coffee and see that I still have enough time for a new one. Lily, one of the waitresses, fills my cup with hot coffee as soon as she notices that I am out of it. I thank her with a smile.

I close my book and put it in my bag – there are only a few chapters left to read, hopefully I will be done by tomorrow – and lean back in my seat with my coffee in my hands, the hot cup warming my fingers. I look out of the window, watch the people of Seattle walking down the street or driving their cars. A mother with her two daughters is hurrying on the walkway, the girls not older than five or six are holding her hands on each side of her, she has a frustrated look on her face. They don't have umbrellas, they probably try to get the next bus as soon as possible. An old man is walking his dog, a little brown thing that seems to enjoy the rain, it barks playfully while his tail dances excitedly.

But what catches my eye is the couple – a young girl and boy who share a blue umbrella. The boy is carrying the umbrella in one hand while his other arm is around the girls shoulders. As soon as I see them I am reminded of Christian and Leila and their famous walk with an umbrella.

Four days have passed since Christian's house party last Saturday. Leila had stayed over at his place since then, she only had showed up at our place to get fresh clothes. For the first time in months I had had the apartment for myself – the last long sleepover she had with Mitch, her ex -, not that it did any difference. I wasn't the crazy type who, as soon as she is free of her roommate, throws wild parties or runs around naked. I had spent the time doing something that Leila's very presence made impossible: cleaning up. Leila was a chaotic person, she always left a huge mess and unfortunately she also never felt the desire to clean up unless it wasn't a necessity or if I told her to do so. I didn't even dare to look inside her closet anymore – clothes hangers had no meaning for her, she practically throw every piece of clothing inside her closet – and as long as she kept her mess within her own room, we never had a problem. From time to time, I would scold her for leaving a mess in the bathroom where she usually did her hairstyles or her makeup because of the bigger mirror but she always would clean up afterwards when I told her. Back in college when we had to share a small room it had been much more difficult but now that we had our own bedrooms, we could compromise easier.

Besides her cleaning problem, Leila was a good friend. She way loyal, hardworking and dependable - "I'm a Hufflepuff!" she always said about herself, being a huge Harry Potter fan. Yes, she could be demanding from time to time but everybody who knew her knew that she had her heart in the right place. She was selfless, her own needs never in first place. Leila Williams was a woman who gave her friends and family the highest priority, no matter what happened.

That's why I felt immense guilt whenever I dared to think about my feelings for Christian.

I had hoped that my feelings for him would vanish when I saw them together as a happy couple – which they were – and I could continue my life as it had been. But they got worse because apart from the positive feelings, I now felt a scary negative one: jealousy. Green, thick jealousy is running through my veins, etching my guts. I'm torn between being happy for the happiness of my best friend - "One of your best friends!" Kate screamed in my head – and being jealous because she was having the time of her life with the man I had feelings for. Sweet, honest, pure feelings which usually made grown women stupid but I was stronger than this. I pushed them into a deep, black box where all of my forbidden emotions and nasty memories went – Anadora's box.

My phone chirps, pronouncing the arrival of a new message. I put my coffee on the table before I read it.

 **Ladies, I need your help!**

 **Wedding emergency!**

 **Drinks on Friday at Seatdown?**

 **Mia x**

Mia's message is sent to our '2016's biggest wedding' chat group where we usually discuss wedding dresses, garters, sexy wedding night dessous and – my favorite topic – different recipes of cakes.

I quickly type an answer, telling her that I'm free on friday evening. A girl's night out will be fun – See, mum, I can relax from time to time – even if it serves the purpose of wedding arrangements. Mia and Ethan's wedding is set on February 14th because Mia thought that it would be incredibly awesome if they got married on Valentine's day. "It will be the most romantic wedding ever!" she had promised us while we feared that she would practically abuse all the cliches that day stood for. Ethan being the saint that he is, had agreed to whatever Mia had proposed because – and I am quoting - "it didn't matter how they would marry as long as he had Mia by his side for the rest of his life". He made us swoon occasionally, Mia was a lucky girl.

The bell over the door rings again and reflexively I look up from the screen of my phone. A young tall woman with red hair and a neon green blazer enters the diner with a laptop bag on her shoulder and a phone in her hand. She is typing something on her phone, her furrowed brows indicating that she is writing an important message. Behind her are three guys, a chubby blonde one, a stern looking African-American and a man with dark copper colored hair who moved gracefully. I have to look twice before I recognize that the last one is no one else than Christian Grey.

"Fuck." I mumble under my breath and look away hastily. I don't swear often but sometimes a girl gotta express her utter shock verbally.

I wasn't prepared to see him. Usually before I met him I had time to prepare myself for this ache in my heart or the damn butterflies in my stomach. I try to shield my face with my hair while Christian's and his companions pass me, I hear them talk about some project they were assigned for which makes me guess that they are his coworkers. In my head I plan an escape in which I pay my bill as furtive and unflashy as possible and head out before he can spot me. Damn. I wish I would own a pair of shades.

Behind my curtains of hair I watch how they take a seat not far from me, Christian facing towards me. Lily is by their table, scrabbling their order on her notepad. If they already know what to eat, they must be regulars.

"You need anything else, sweety?" Carol, the dark-haired beautiful waitress with natural pouty lips, asks me suddenly. I was so busy looking at Christian that I didn't notice her approaching me.

"No, thanks. I would like the bill, please." She gives me a questioning look when my eyes keep going back and forth between her and Christian's table. With sigh she wanders back to the counter where the register is. I'm praying that she will be back with the bill before Christian... Crap! Our eyes meet, mine wide with shock and his surprised. A smile forms on his lips, I see how he says something to his friends before he gets up from his seat and starts walking towards me. Double crap.

"Look who we got here." he greets me with a grin. "Anastasia Steele." He is darn cute when he is playful.

I blush under his gaze, smiling back at him. "Christian Grey."

"I didn't know that you were a fan of Ernie's. May I?" he points to the empty seat facing me.

"Yes, of course." I answer him. "I wouldn't call myself a fan, just a low-key admirer of their burger special."

He laughs as he sits down. "Yes, the famous burger special. I'm a big fan of that too. Though I should be careful with it. Have to stay fit, right?" He points to his flat stomach. I don't know what he is scared of, he look fine to me. He is not ripped as his brother, Elliott, but he looks fit and muscular. The black pullover he is wearing emphasizes his chest.

"So Anastasia Steele, if you are just a low-key admirer of this establishment which in my humble opinion is God's gift to human kind, where do you prefer to have lunch?" His gray eyes are shining with humor, he is obviously enjoying this. I play along, my shyness forgotten thanks to his friendliness.

"Luke and I usually have lunch at the coffee house near SIP. You know, 'Coffee Java'? The butterflies in my stomach arise from Anadora's box, I feel how my cheeks warm and my throat gets dry. He is gazing at me with gray eyes, they are deep and soft, I could get lost in them. I have to look away to catch my breath.

"Ah, yes, nice place. Good coffee." he nods in agreement. "I heard Luke is ill. Leila read me his dramatic message he sent to your group this morning."

 **Tell my parents that I love them!**

 **I'm dying!**

 **Farewell friends!**

 **(Ana, have fun at SIP without me)**

 **Luke (Skywalker)**

Luke could be a drama queen from time to time. He acted like he was dying whenever he had a basic cold. I had rolled my eyes when I had read his message this morning.

"Yes, he is fighting against a deathly illness: common cold." Christian laughs at my joke, my heart skips a few beats because I made him laugh. I feel ridiculously proud of myself.

"He seems like a nice guy, even if he is a drama queen."

"He is the best." I confess honestly. Luke Sawyer is funny, witty and honest. He is the one who kicks your ass when needed, who tells you when you are mistaken and listens to you when you are down. Yes, his jokes and vainglorious behavior – which is his kind of joke actually – are tiring sometimes but you know, when needed, he can be the sternest person you ever met.

"The party was fun, right? We should do that again." he looks at me curiously, probably interested in my reaction and review of his party. I guess it was fun. Leila and the others had sung karaoke, perfectly at first but after the influence of alcohol it ended with Elliott slurring the lyrics of 'Eye of the Tiger', amusing the rest of us. Luke and Kate had also made it to the party, Kate was thankful to have escaped Nate – Elliott had grinned like a Cheshire cat when she showed up in her dark red dress and her black high heels, he had whistled behind her back – and Luke exhausted after the long drive from his parents. Even I had been able to relax a little bit, thanks to Kate and Mia who had made me laugh with their anecdotes. At the end of the night, Leila who was drunk had accepted Christian's offer to have another sleepover and I returned to my empty flat with Ethan and Mia. The silence I usually enjoyed seemed to be unbearable that night. But I got used to it.

"Yes, it was fun. Even the karaoke part." I smile at the memory of Ethan and Mia singing their song: '(I've had) the time of my life' – Mia was a huge fan of 'Dirty Dancing'.

"Next time you and I should sing too. You know, Leila made me promise to sing and I am sure as a karaoke hater you would never let me suffer all by myself." He pouts at me, giving me puppy dog eyes – and I am aroused by his sight.

I laugh nervously, trying to ignore the lust I am feeling right now. "No chance."

"And here I thought you would be on my side."

"Sorry."

For a moment we just keep grinning at each other. Lily appears by our side with tablet carrying Christian's order. Her appearance makes me remember what I had promised myself: no feelings. I shouldn't be this friendly with him. Hastily I look away from him, take my phone into my hand, needing the distraction it gives. Thankfully I still have half an hour left – being friends with the boss means longer lunch hours. Robert is kind and he knows how hard I work.

"Your friends told me to bring your order to this table." Lily points with her head towards Christian's coworkers. He thanks her as she puts his plate and his drink on the table. He has ordered the burger special like me.

"Awesome! I love burgers." he looks as happy as a child in a sweet shop.

"Do you still want your bill? Carol assumed that you would stay with your boyfriend but I can get it if you want." Lily asks me suddenly. I blush deep crimson. She thinks that he is my boyfriend. What should I do? It's the best to ignore it.

"Uh,.." I mumble but before I can go on, Christian answers for me.

"Have another cup of coffee, Ana. This one must be cold." He point to my neglected cup of coffee with his fork. Does he want me to stay? I feel like I should go but the temptation to spend time with him is to great.

"Okay, another cup of coffee please. Black, with milk, no sugar." Lily nods and takes my empty plate and cup with her as she goes. A few minutes later she has returned with a new, hot coffee.

"No sugar, huh?" Christian asks me while he munches on some fries dipped in ketchup.

"I don't like sugar." I confess quietly and watch his mouth and jaw with every bite he takes. I never would have thought that watching someone eat could be erotic. But Christian made the simplest task fascinating. Like eating or serving drinks.

"That's why you don't drink these fruity drinks the girls usually drink, right?"

I nod, surprised that he noticed.

"You don't like sugar, you drink beer. Do you have any other food tendencies?" There is ketchup on the side of his mouth and licks it away, his tongue darting out to reach it. Oh god. I gulp.

"I think Chicken Wings are highly exaggerated." I mutter, fidgeting with my jacket's zipper in order to focus on something else than his tongue. "I have to think about baby chicks whenever I eat them. And they taste... funny."

"Funny?" he raises an eyebrow, questioning my choice of vocabulary.

"Weird. They don't taste good."

"You probably never had good ones! I now a place where you can get Chicken Wings which taste like 'Angel Wings'. You will change your opinion as soon as you eat them. I will take you there." What? Why does he want to take me to a place where we could eat Chicken Wings? Hardly a romantic dinner for two but wouldn't it be weird if we went alone?Before I can hyperventilate, he adds the missing information. "I took Leila last week, she loved it. Next time you are coming with us."

My mood sours, the reality that he is Leila's boyfriend back with the force of a train and that this lunch is just about being friends. Even if I had forbidden myself to be hopeful, I had no control over my heart – it had hoped that this was more than a coincidental meeting of two acquaintances.

"Sure." I say, my tone cold now. I sip at my coffee, no longer interested in a conversation. But Christian wouldn't be Christian if he didn't ignore my internal wishes – I guess that this is perfectly logical because he can't read minds.

"You probably wonder why I am interrogating you." he sounds serious now, which makes me really wonder why he has been asking me all this stuff. I had assumed that he simply wanted to get to know his girlfriends best friend. "Listen, Ana, I want to be honest with you. Until today I had the feeling that you... don't like me. Okay, we only saw us three times before today but whenever I was around you were quiet, you barely looked at me. And I have been asking myself if I did something wrong to you, and if I did then I am really sorry because it was never my intention to hurt you. If that was the problem, I hope we can deal with it and that you accept my apology." Crap. I never had wanted him to feel that way. I just had wanted to stay distant, for the sake of Leila.

"No, you didn't hurt me." I whisper faintly and look down at my knotted fingers in my lap. I hear him sigh and he puts his fork away.

"Then you just don't like me, is that it?" he asks.

I look up and shake my head furiously, I don't want him to think that. "No, I don't have a problem with you, Christian."

"Leila told me that you were shy and it takes time that you get used to new people. I respect that, really. But Leila is sad, she also feels like you have a problem with me. And I hate seeing her sad, it breaks my heart. This is why I have a proposition: why don't we try to get along? For Leila? You don't have to best buddies with me if you don't want to but we could at least try to get to know each other and spend some time now and then without being weird and stuff."

"That sounds cool." I nod, he gazes at me with his deep gray eyes which feel like they can see through me.

"You know to get to know each other people need to spend time together. Like today for example. We had lunch together and I found out new stuff about you. This was a good start. How about you and I went to my mother's church's book fair next Sunday? You like books, I like books, this could be interesting. Okay, most of the books they have are probably going to be religious but they usually have a small section of fictional ones and they have a great buffet. Best sandwiches I ever had!" he smiles encouragingly at me. A book fair sounds fun. He is trying very hard for Leila. I don't want to be the bitch.

"I guess that would be fun." I smile shyly. A big grin appears on his face, he is happy.

"Awesome!" As he eats his burger and fries with a delighted expression on his face, I am gleeful that I will be spending time with him on Sunday. Only him and me.

My chest tightens with guilt at my sudden happiness. I shouldn't interpret anything into it. He doesn't want to spend time with me because of me, he is doing it for Leila.

* * *

 **What do you think? Are you ready for some quality time with Ana and Christian?**

 **I have a tumblr blog now: hello-littlebadhero. Go follow me, I will be posting reviews and stuff.**

 **Laters, baby**

 **M x**

 **P.S.: The comment of Christian where he describes Chicken Wings as Angel Wings because they taste that good was inspired by How I Met Your Mother. I think Marshall said it when they watched Superbowl and had these special Chicken Wings. I don't know which episode though.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, guys!**

 **Before I start, a huge thank you to my new beta: AvidVillain95 ! Her work is immensely appreciated!**

 **And also thanks for your reviews, they have made my day (even the less nice ones). I'm going to repeat myself but I have to say it again: I will write as long as there is someone who likes my story and reads it. And if that hypothetical someone leaves a hypothetical review I will be jubilant.**

 **Anyway, what's this chapter about? Well, it's not about the book fair, sorry. I couldn't squeeze it in and in my opinion it deserved it's own chapter. This one is without drama (well, a little drama), a girl's night out and some Christian and Ana bonding which turned out to be really cute. I wrote over 5000 words this time and I have to say that I am very proud of myself :D**

 **See you at the bottom.**

 **DISCLAIMER:** Not my characters, no money earned. Just for fun (and reviews).

 **BETA'ED!**

* * *

 **6\. Girl's night out**

"Leila!" My keys find their place in our green bowl, making a jingly sound when they hit the metal. I close the door and strip out of my shoes, noticing the unfamiliar male ones beside my roommate's red boots.

"In the kitchen!" my roommate calls out and I follow her voice to our small kitchen area where I find her and Christian sitting on our bar stools and eating what seems to be Mac'n'Cheese. They greet me and Leila tells me to get myself a plate. Hungrily, I put myself some of the Mac'n'Cheese on a plate – it's light blue with little suns printed on it. Leila has snarfed it from her 3 year old niece because she found it to be darn cute – and warm it up in our microwave. I have the tendency to eat my food burning hot, otherwise it doesn't taste good enough.

"How was work, Ana?" Leila asks me after she is finished with her food and made room for me to sit. She starts washing up some dirty dishes.

"Good. We have a new editor. Seems like a nice guy." I explain to her and get my now heated food before I sit down beside Christian. I try my best to be nonchalant in his company. We chat a little about their day. Leila had a rough one with her monster of a boss and Christian had spent all day trying to fix a bug in the company's telecommunication system. This is the first time since Wednesday that I see him and I am pleasantly surprised that it seems to be easier for me to be relaxed around him. His silent confession, that his feelings for Leila are nothing but honest and that he is trying everything to make her happy, has made me understand that I need to take one for the team and try my best to make Leila happy. Of course my heart was being squeezed painfully by an invisible hand but hey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

"Ready for our girl's night out? Or how Mia calls it, 'wedding gang's night out'." Leila asks me excitedly with a smirk on her face. I roll my eyes at Mia's wit and nod "Great. Then eat your food and get ready asap."

"Let the poor girl have her dinner without rush, dear." Christian gives her a loving smile as he finishes his own meal. "The wedding gang's night out isn't running away."

"Mia said that we are running out of time. The bridesmaid dresses have to be chosen soon and tonight she will bring along her folder." Mia had been planning her perfect wedding since she was a little girl and she kept her ideas in a pink glittery folder which she protected like an eyeball. The content of it varied from 'heavenly' to 'fairy tale material'.

"How hard can it be to choose some dresses?" Christian makes a skeptical face which makes me chuckle.

Leila sighs and shakes her head. "Sometimes you are truly a guy."

I finish my meal and head back to my room where I get out of my work clothes – a baby blue blouse and brown pants – and put on a white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I take my burgundy blazer out of my wardrobe in case I get cold tonight. I pull my hair into a ponytail and apply a little bit of lip gloss. With a tired sigh I sit down on my white iron bed with floral sheets and fire up my laptop which has been lying on my bed. While it takes its sweet time to start I look to my filled laundry basket. Seems like tomorrow will be laundry day for me. My bedroom is small, it has got a L-shape. The walls are painted in dark blue, the one on the right of my bed has a chain of lights around the window. I have a desk where my clutter is and where I usually keep my laptop, besides it stands a overfilled bookshelf and a wardrobe. Over the desk hangs a ornately iron mirror – a present of Kate. I have pasted little photos, concert tickets and notes to it. It's on my to-do-list to get myself one of these pinboards Leila loves so much – she has a big one over her dresser filled with photos, Polaroids and love poems she has printed from a Tumblr blog. She loves to take photos of us or anything that captures her interest.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, my laptop is ready and I quickly check my Emails. Answering those which are urgent like the one from Robert asking me if I could have the report for the new manuscript ready by Tuesday. I also notice that my mum has sent me an Email featuring her latest hobby, pottery making. She has sent me pictures of her newest creations and asks me if I also want a self made cup with my name printed on the side. I will send her an answer tomorrow. After getting my purse I head back to the living room where I find Christian seated on our yellow couch, his feet on our coffee table. He is watching a documentary about penguins with a disinterested expression on his face. I assume he couldn't find anything else on TV. I notice that Leila's bedroom door is closed, she probably is getting changed. I take a seat on our armchair with my purse in my lap and also put my feet up, our socks clothed toes are touching slightly. He nudges his against mine and grins at me, making me grin back.

"Wedding gang's night out, huh? Alcohol and wedding planners. Sounds like fun." he jokes. I roll my eyes, planning a wedding is not my sort of fun even if I love Mia to the moon and back. The only good thing is that I will be able to have a drink while going through her blow-by-blow description of the ceremony, their vows and the menu. Mia and Ethan have been engaged a little over six months now. Back then they had agreed not to hurry with their wedding because Mia wanted to plan it perfectly. Since then they had rented the ballroom at the Heathman Hotel in Kirkland outside of Seattle, they had chosen a band which of course had to be able to play their song and they had found a decent florist. Thankfully the hotel was responsible for the menu and the drinks. Mia had three dresses reserved for her by Mrs. Kavanaugh, she just had to choose one of them by next week. One of the last things that needed to be ready were the bridesmaid dresses. Tonight the bride to be would bring us pictures of her favorites and we would have to choose one of them before our appointment at Mrs. Kavanaugh's atelier.

"I think with enough drinks it might be bearable." he laughs at my words and nods towards the TV.

"Clearly more fun than that."

"Penguins are cute." I blurt out and blush. Saying awkward things is my specialty.

"Yes, they are." he gives me a half smile before he looks back to the screen where two emperor penguins are paddling around the ice. I bite my lip, the silence feeling awkward now. Damn me and my mouth!

"I dressed up as a penguin last Halloween." Christian suddenly tells me, surprising me. "It was horrible because the party was indoors and it was so damn hot in that costume."

"Really? A penguin?" I smile at the thought of him in a penguin costume. I would have assumed he would dress as James Bond, he would look hot in a suit. Of course I am in no position to think about him as hot, not even if he is wearing a suit or a penguin costume.

Groaning, he rolls his eyes. "Yeah. It was a bet and I lost. The worst thing was that it was the Halloween party at work, my colleagues made fun of me for the rest of the year."

I can't suppress it, I have to laugh out loud. He looks at me in shock at first, then he gives me a hurt look. "Yeah, laugh at my misery. One hell of a friend you are."

Friend. Are we friends? He has confessed that he at least wants us to tolerate each other but does he want to be my friend? Do I want to be his friend? It is bad enough to see him being in love with Leila – although I know that they haven't confessed to each other their love yet but Leila has told me two days ago that her feelings for him could be described as love – but could I bear it to be his friend? I didn't know what to do. Should I stay distant and let them live their love? Or should I be thankful for whatever I could get from him? If we were friends, wouldn't I feel like I was cheating on Leila? I was so confused.

I look down to my lap, start fidgeting with my purse. "I don't like Halloween." I confess, murmuring my words quietly. I hear him gasp.

"What? You don't like Halloween?" he asks me, his voice sounding deeply shocked. "Why? How?"

"Well, I don't like the... costumes and stuff. It's just... weird." I grimace at the thought of being put into a costume that was designed by our misogynistic society with the purpose of looking attractive for men. I am refusing to wear something with its title containing the words 'sexy' or 'hot'.

"But the costumes are super cool! Well, apart from my penguin one. But who doesn't want to dress up as Superman, Batman or... I don't know, one of the Spice Girls?" his voice gets high thanks to his enthusiasm. The thought of him being passionate for Halloween is cute actually.

"Usually the costumes for women are anything but superhero related. I don't like to see young women clothed into costumes that had to endure sexualization, like nurses or police officers. Why do they have to be sexy?"

"Never said that they have to be sexy. Women are free to wear whatever they want. But I can see why it pisses you off that the Halloween costume industry is merchandising slutty costumes which don't make the women wearing them slutty but leave us wondering why it has to be that way." I nod, agreeing on what he has said before he continues. "But what about the candies? Halloween candies are epic!"

I give him a long look, "Candy? Really?"

"Oh right! You don't like sugar!" he nods but then his eyes widen. "You don't even like sugar in candies? Or chocolate?" He looks at me like I have confessed being a fan of Robin Thicke and his sexist song texts.

"I like dark chocolate." I really do. Especially with strawberries and champagne.

"What about fruit gums? You have to like those!"

"No, not really."

His mouths falls open, he looks utterly shocked. It makes me grin.

"You are truly something, Ana."

"Thanks, I guess."

Shaking his head he turns back to the TV while muttering 'doesn't like fruit gums' under his breath and switches to a News channel. Leila emerges from her bedroom, now dressed in a brown wool skirt and a black t-shirt with her thighs clothed in black leggings. Her purse is hanging on her shoulder with her cream coat dangling from its strap.

"How do I look?" She twirls around, her black hair which has been curled swings around. "Can I go out like this?"

"No."

I look questioningly at Christian, confused at first why he has said no but then I catch him practically stripping Leila with his and I look away.

"You are too beautiful to go to a bar without me." he stands up and walks to her. He puts his hands on her waist and presses himself against her. "I can't let other douches see you like this. All pretty and stuff." She puts her arms around his neck and kisses his cheek.

"No worries. You are the only douche I am interested in."

Christian sighs before he gives her a kiss on her lips, thankfully it is just a quick peck. "I should probably come with you ladies. Just to put guys off."

Leila shakes her head playfully and pouts. "No can do. Besides it's a girl's night out and you are clearly not a girl." She winks at him. I blush at her dirty joke. I see how Christian whispers something into her ear and by the way Leila giggles it's clearly something dirty.

"Not even if you do that." She tells him and swats his chest.

"I could be one of Mia's bridesmaids, you know. I would look fabulous in a dress." He jokes around before releasing her.

"You will look fabulous in a suit. Mia doesn't need another bridesmaid but she needs a date for one of her bridesmaids."

"Oh." Christian lets out. "I didn't know I was invited to the wedding."

Leila gives him a confused look. "Well, you are my boyfriend. I had assumed that you wouldn't like it if I go to a wedding with another man."

"Right. Yes, you are right." he mumbles while knitting his brows. "You know what? Why don't I drive you to the bar? Elliott had invited me to his weekly game night with his friends. I could have a boy's night in with them." He laughs nervously. What the heck is happening right now? Leila's blue eyes are widen and she nods and tells him that it would nice of him to drive us. We slip into our shoes – I am wearing my black Converse while Leila chooses her knee-high boots – and we leave our apartment with an awkward tension between them. Did I miss something? I try to remember what they have said but I can't spot something cringe worthy. In the car, where I am placed in the backseat, Christian turns on the radio as soon as we are seated and the poppy song coming out of it makes it impossible to have a conversation. When he stops the car in front of Seatdown, he quickly says goodbye to us, makes Leila promise to call him when we have made it home safely, and drives off without giving her a kiss. As soon as we are alone Leila grabs my arm hardly and gives me a scared look.

"Ana, I might have scared Christian away." she confesses.

"What do you mean?" He didn't look scared but he didn't look relaxed either.

"Me and my stupid mouth!" She whines. "Mia and her stupid wedding!"

Now I am really confused. "Leila, I don't understand."

"Didn't you see how he reacted when I told him that we would go to the wedding together? He freaked out!" She chews on her lip, a thing she only does when she is really nervous. "I have implied that we still will be together then. This is just horrible!"

"Well, won't you be together in February?" I furrow my brows in confession. I had thought that this was serious business, I had thought they were going to have a long lasting relationship. Wasn't that her plan from the beginning?

"Hopefully we will be because that's what I want. But Christian and I never had the talk about the future, you know? Maybe he was thinking of breaking up with me after New Year's Eve and starting the new year with a new girlfriend."

"That's just silly. Why should he be with someone else if he can have you?"

"Uhh, I just don't know. Come on, let's head in. After this I need a drink. Or ten."

I still can't understand why she is weird-ing out on this. Didn't Christian ask her if she wanted to be his girlfriend? Didn't that mean that he had hoped for them to be together as long as possible? I mean, okay, he hadn't declared his love for her, but Leila was awesome and there was no doubt that he was going to fall in love with her, if he hadn't already.

Seatdown is filled with already drunk students – it's just a little after 7pm -, exhausted looking men and women who probably came here right after work, and a group who is having a birthday party because they are all wearing colorful party hats. We find Kate and Mia seated, ironically, at table number four. We greet each other by hugging and kissing and take place on the chairs. Mia is immediately in her element, pushing her folder towards me and Leila where three pictures are featured on two pages with little notes underneath them. Before she can talk, Leila silences her with a risen hand and pouty lips. "Not before I have my drink, Mia." The bride to be rolls her eyes and closes her folder which she was eager to show.

"Fine. But as soon as you have taken one sip, I am taking no prisoners." She leans back in her chair and brushes over her purple dress.

"How have you been, Ana?" Kate whom I haven't seen since last Saturday asks me with a smile on her red lips – her all time favorite lipstick color is red.

"Fine. The usual, you know." I answer her and ask her what she has been doing. She tells me about her new project, she has gotten the chance to interview a witness of a small crime and the article was turning out all right. Mia chips in and asks her how Nate has been and Kate rolls her pretty blue eyes when she tells us that he has been pestering her since their date. "He thought it was a fantastic evening!" Kate sounds perplexed. "Was he high or something? How can't he see how boring it was?"

Leila goes to get drinks for the two of us, beer for me and a Daiquiri for her. Kate is telling us about Nate's latest pathetic tries to get a second date.

"Whenever I look at him, he is giving me creepy smiles and whenever we meet at the elevator he tries to fascinate me by talking about the invention of the elevator. I mean I like trivia from time to time but not every time I enter the damn elevator!" Kate has formed fists with her small, gentle hands and bangs them on the table making the bowls of nuts and pretzels shake. We laugh at her anger.

"Maybe he is stalking you, Kate." Mia says. "You could sue his ass!"

"As long as he is only giving me smiles and boring facts about stuff he isn't trespassing any boundaries. But I have sworn to myself that on Monday I will tell him to drop it like a civilized adult. I have wanted to be nice until now but if he doesn't get the clue then I don't have to be nice."

"Tell him that you have a super jealous, ripped boyfriend now and that he will kick his ass!" I suggest and then make a face. "Okay, how can you explain to him that you have found a new boyfriend within a week?"

"He isn't really the sharpest knife in the drawer, you know. He wouldn't question me." Kate says laughing. "But I want to get rid of him without having to lie. I am strong, independent woman." We nod in agreement. Leila is back with our drinks and I am grateful for the needed beer.

"Still talking about Nate, huh? That bad?" Leila asks when she has sat down with her drink.

"You have no idea." Kate rolls her eyes and shakes her head, a disgusted expression on her face. "Please, let us stop talking about that weirdo."

"I have another weirdo to talk about." Leila says with a serious face. We look at her curiously before she says, "Me."

"What have you done, Leila?" Mia cocks one eyebrow. "Have you been talking about elevators too?"

"Has Nate talked about elevators?" Leila asks and Kate nods. "Okay, I'm not that kind of a weirdo. But I did something horrible."

"For the love of god, tell us." Mia blurts out.

"I asked Christian if he would be my date for your wedding. No, wait, I didn't even ask him. I just assumed that he would accompany me because he is my boyfriend and I told him just that."

"Oh no." Kate lets out. Seriously, am I the only one who doesn't see the problem here?

"Oh Leila." Mia cringes visually and shakes her head. "You little weirdo."

"I know." She collapses into her chair like a house of cards.

"What did he do?" they ask her. She takes a long sip of her Daiquiri before she answers.

"He freaked out, barely talked to me afterwards and he didn't even kiss me when he dropped us off. And he had planned to stay at our place tonight and wanted to wait for me but suddenly he felt the urge to go visit his brother."

"Elliott?" Kate's eyes shine when her newest potential bae is mentioned. I remember them being cozy at Christian's party. Hasn't he asked her out that night?

"Yes, Kate, Elliott is Christian's brother." Leila gives her smirky look which she returns with a playful wink. "But he practically ran away after I was dumb enough to imply that our relationship was going to last until February."

"But aren't we already on the end of October? Tomorrow is Halloween, for god's sake! And it's not that long until February!" I expound with a frustrated sigh. "I really don't get why this is a big deal?"

"Okay, Ana, tell me that Christian's reaction wasn't weird and then I will be able not to make a big deal out of this." Leila gives me daring look and damn if she isn't right. Christian had been awkward after that.

"You win." I mumble defeated and drink my beer.

"No, she lost." Mia jokes and earns mean looks from us. "Just wanted to save the mood, you guys. No need to look at me like that."

Leila groans, frustrated. "What am I going to do?"

Kate takes her hand and looks deeply into her eyes. "You are going to do something that you guys have obviously been avoiding like the plague: you will have to talk to him about your future." Another groan comes from Leila, she squeezes her eyes.

"What if we don't want the same things from the future?"

"Well, if that's the case then it is better if you know it now than to be left at the altar."

"Speaking of altar, there are still bridesmaids dresses that need to be chosen!" Mia chips in enthusiastically and her pink folder is back in the middle of our table. It's a welcomed distraction though for Leila. Mia flips the pages, searching for what she wants to show us and finds it between pages covering her flower arrangements for her bridal bouquet and the pictures of the different type of cakes the hotel is ready to make – thankfully she had chosen a dark chocolate one instead of something fruity.

"Ladies, I already have shown them to Kate. Number one is a strapless, azure blue, long evening gown with a pearl belt on the waist. I would like to match these with gold high heeled sandals and pearl earrings. Ana, blue looks great on you so this is totally your dress. The second one is lilac, knee-high with a heart shaped décolleté, simple but classic. My awesome mother-in-law has mentioned that this one would look great with black necklaces. You know the ones with big stones and stuff? The heart shaped décolleté would make Kate's boobs which I am not jealous of look super awesome. And lastly we have a light yellow dress with swimsuit straps but with a draped bosom which is long in the back and short in the front. To be honest I am not a big fan of this one but my mum liked it and I couldn't tell her no, so please don't choose this one." She gives us a pleading look and we smile at her plea. Mia and her mum usually haven't the same opinion about stuff. Mia always says that the only things, she and her mother can agree on are Ethan, her dad's addiction with crime series and their admiration for Ryan Gosling.

We offer the requisite 'ohhs' and 'ahhs' over the dresses. They are all beautiful, even the yellow one, but I have to say that I like the lilac one the most. Leila agrees but Kate wants to see the blue one in person before she decides.

"You know what? I might ask my mother if we could swoop in to try both of them. It could be fun, sitting in a bridal shop drinking champagne and trying on dresses. What do you say?" she suggests and we all nod in excitement. After that we have a couple of drinks – we even have shots – and talk about the usual stuff women of the 21st century talk about. I have really missed being with them without the presence of a male. Not that Ethan or Luke are ever interfering.

By the end of the night, our eventless girl's night out is suddenly interrupted by a male voice calling my name. "Ana?"

Surprised I look up and meet a pair of familiar green eyes. The young brunette man is standing beside our table with a bottle of beer in his hand and a grin on his face.

"Remember me? I'm Ben from Ernie's Diner."

"Oh. Hey, Ben." I am freaked out to meet him actually, the coincidence is scary.

"Looks like we have another local in common." He jokes around while I feel the eyes of my friends on me. I blush deep crimson.

"What a coincidence." I try to joke too, my try sounds pathetic. I clear my throat and keep smiling embarrassed at Ben.

"I'm really curious what else we have in common." He is clearly flirting with me and I can't lie, I am touched. He is a handsome man who seems nice. When I don't answer him instantly I feel someone kicking me under the table and by the strength of it I assume it is Mia – don't make the mistake to underestimate her, she may be small but she is kickboxing at her gym.

"These are my friends." I point to the girls. "Mia, Kate and Leila."

He gives them a smile and says hi but his eyes don't really leave mine. Okay, he is clearly flirting with me.

"Well, it was nice to see you again, Ana." He looks a little disappointed when I don't flirt back. "See you around, I guess." With a last smile that really doesn't reach his eyes he emerges back to a table where a group of young men are sitting. They have been watching poor Ben talk to us. As soon as he is gone, I get another kick.

"Ouch!" I whine and give Mia a mean look. "Why are kicking me?"

"Because he was all over you and you weren't reacting to it." she says fiercely. "Poor dude has been trying to talk to you."

"But you guys know how I am. I just... can't flirt."

"Well, next time a sweet, handsome guy flirts with you try being nice and keep talking to him. He will probably think it is flirting, so no difference." Kate explains to me with pursed lips.

"Maybe I don't want to flirt with anyone. Ever thought of that?"

Leila rolls her eyes with a sigh. "Please tell me this isn't about Paul." The last boyfriend I had.

"What? No!" I say in disgust. "I'm done with Paul. It's been four years, for god's sake!"

"Yes, and in these four years you haven't been on a date. And no, the double date with me, Mitch and his brother doesn't count because you left all to soon, blaming to be ill." She gives me a judging look.

"We just want you to open up, Ana. Not all guys are like Paul. Ben could be your soul mate for all you know. And if you keep pushing people away, you might lose your chance to meet the right one." Compassionately Kate throws her arm around my shoulders, pressing me to her side. She smells like vanilla ice cream.

They are right of course. I have lost faith in men after Paul was the second guy who cheated on me. Being the bookworm that I am I had high standards of romance and relationships and my past boyfriends hadn't really met these standards and, what's worse, they even made them more impossible to reach. And the whole thing with Christian wasn't helping either. I brush them off and successfully change to topic.

Around 1am we gather our stuff and pay our bills before heading out. We agree on sharing a cab and ask the bartender whose name I forgot again call a cab for us. Mia suggests waiting outside because she wants to have some fresh air.

"You guys head out, I will just go to the restrooms." Kate says and declines when I suggests to accompany her. I shrug it off and go outside to wait for our cab with the two others. It is a chill night, but not too cold to be wearing just a blazer. Mia and Leila are discussing the newest episode of Once Upon A Time when Kate comes back with a grin on her face and a piece of napkin in her hand. I am just going to make a joke about her getting a number of a man when she hands the napkin to me.

Confused I look at her. "What's that?"

"That's the number of Ben whom I have told that you were too shy to ask yourself and who grinned like Cheshire cat when I told him that you are going to call him."

* * *

 **Dun. Dun. Duuun.**

 **What do you think? Please don't be shy to leave a review. You have no idea how inspiring your words can get and how easier it is to write when you know that people like your work.**

 **Next time, the book fair with Christian and Ana.**

 **See ya'**

 **Meliii x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Oh. my. God. 7000 words, ladies and gentlemen. 7000 freaking words! This is a first (and probably a last), please don't get used to it. I have no idea how I managed to write so much within a short period of time!**

 **Thank you for your reviews and for keeping up with me. You guys are worth to write for. I have also tried to answer some of your reviews and something caught my attention. Some of you have the opinion that no matter what I do, Ana and Christian are going to be the bad ones. I hope that you trust me enough to make the best out of the whole situation and please be patient. "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." This is a quote that just came to my mind and I think it is very fitting. (I have no idea who said it though. Have to look it up but until then I want to clarify that it's a quote and not my own words.).**

 **If I missed anyone I am sorry but I was super exhausted from learning for my finals and writing this whole chapter. Luckily, today I wrote my last exam and now I am free until September! Still gotta learn though and probably go to school...**

 **As promised, today it's about the book fair and some quality Christian and Ana time. It's super cute and we meet a two new characters (three but the last one is only mentioned).**

 **DISCLAIMER:** **Not mine, just for fun and reviews.**

 **BETA'ED!**

* * *

 **7\. Book fair**

My alarm rings at 8am on Sunday morning, the voice of the news anchor coming out of the radio is filling my bedroom. I turn it off and roll onto my stomach, pressing my face into my soft pillow with a yawn. It's too damn early to wake up, I think to myself, why does this book fair have to be on a Sunday morning?

With a resigning yawn I get up from my bed and stretch my limps before I raise the blinds, the early light of Seattle's gray sky fills my room. I squint my eyes at the clouds. It's obviously going to rain today. I trot out of my bedroom and head straight to the bathroom, human needs have been announcing themselves. Our bathroom cabinet is as chaotic as usual. Leila has left her clutter and make-up all over the place. I sigh and make a mental note to tell her to clean up. After finishing my needs – a shower is not necessary because I had already showered last night - I leave the bathroom and walk up to the kitchen where I start brewing coffee. I notice Leila's and Christian's shoes besides the door and that her bedroom door is closed. They must have come home last night but I didn't hear them because I was sleeping already. She and Christian went to a Halloween party at Seatdown. José, the owner, threw one every year and every year I did everything I could not to attend it. My friends annually tried to persuade me but until now they had been unsuccessful.

I had spent my Saturday with a good book – 'The Apprentice' by Tess Gerritsen – and a good bottle of wine. Well, who am I kidding? It was an average bottle of red wine I had got from the supermarket at a fair price.

Christian and I had agreed that we would leave at 9am today. He knew from his mother that the book fair would be set up around 9.30. He had told me yesterday that the drive would probably take us up to twenty minutes because the book fair was located in Bellevue where his parents lived and where his mother was a member of their local church. After our girl's night out on Friday, Leila and I had come back home around 1am. She had expected him to be absent because of the awkward talk they had had earlier that day. To our surprise Christian had been waiting, sitting on our couch with his head thrown back and soft snores coming out of his mouth. Leila had been skeptical why he had shown up, but she didn't question it and simply enjoyed having him there. I had thought that they were over the fact that Christian panicked when Leila mentioned them to be together until February – I still couldn't understand him though – but yesterday they had been anything but relaxed around each other. They weren't as cozy as before, in fact I could have sworn not to have them seen kissing which was a rarity because they were usually all over each other. Like robots they had gotten dressed and ready for the party while keeping minimal eye contact. Leila had given me panicked looks all day and in our group chat she had written that she was going to lose her mind if she and Christian kept behaving like that. I had told her just to talk to him, Kate had supported my idea while Mia had told Leila to get drunk enough to forget all about it.

I pour myself fresh coffee into a cup and add milk to it. With a leftover muffin – Christian had bought them yesterday for breakfast – and my cup of coffee. I walk up to our couch and sit down. Leaning back while taking a sip of my drink I turn on the TV. My interest is peeked when I see an episode of How I Met Your Mother airing and I turn up the volume a little bit. Should I wake Christian, I wonder. He said we would leave at 9, he should get up if he wants to be punctual. Thankfully, I don't have to wonder about Christian's punctuality because I hear how Leila's alarm clock rings and afterwards the steps of someone walking toward the bedroom door. I keep my eyes to the monitor as if I wasn't intently listening to sounds coming out of Leila's bedroom and try to act nonchalant when Christian grumbles a 'good morning' to me with sleep soaked eyes and crinkled sweats and a t-shirt. Before I can wish him a good morning too he trots to the bathroom and closes the door behind him. Meanwhile I finish up my little dry vanilla muffin and enjoy the rest of my coffee. The sounds of running water can be heard. I assume that Christian is taking a shower. The thought of him within our small shower with our ridiculously ugly shower curtain is distracting me from the simple task of watching TV.

I swallow, my mouth feels unnaturally dry. After the end of the episode I take the last sip of my coffee and go to our kitchen to wash my dishes. The smell of our dish detergent, a lemony smell, is filling my nostrils while I sponge my plate and cup. I play with foam and giggle at my stupidity when I soak my t-shirt with water accidentally. Suddenly our bathroom door gets opened, instinctively I look up and nearly drop the wet cup from my hands. Christian is walking back to Leila's bedroom with nothing but a towel around his hips. He is still looking tired, his eyes focused on the floor beneath his feet and I wonder how someone can still look so tired after a shower. Without taking notice of me standing there he closes the door behind himself.

I can't look away from Leila's bedroom door and I am doubting that my heart is beating any longer. Okay, it probably is otherwise I wouldn't be able to think what I am thinking right now. Doesn't the brain need blood pumped by the heart to think? I was never good in Biology. Horrifying memories of high school come to my mind and I shudder when I think about Mr. Thomas, my old wrinkly Biology teacher and his determination to make students cry. But at least they help me forget for a second about seeing Christian Grey half naked.

But then with the strength of a wrecking ball the images of a wet, half naked and surprisingly muscular Christian come back and nearly knock me over. It's not the first time I have seen a half-naked man. For god's sake I had sex before, and it's certainly not the first time for me to catch a glimpse of Leila's boyfriends because they usually tended to be very... swinging. But seeing Christian seminude has been a life changing experience. The last people to feel this way were probably Christopher Columbus and his fellow passengers when they first caught a sight of American soil. Okay, I am exaggerating.

My hands are shaking when I slowly turn around to place the washed cup on a spread dishtowel so it can dry. Okay, I think, okay. This isn't a novelty, Ana. You have seen Mitch coming out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel and you certainly didn't react this way. Christian isn't anything but your best friend's boyfriend and it's not the first time he has spent a night here and he has also showered here before. But I hadn't wanted to see Mitch half naked, dammit! And, what's worse, I certainly want to see Christian half naked – or naked as a jaybird – again. I blush deep crimson and my cheeks warm at the thought of activities that would require Christian to be naked. I wet my hands under the faucet with cold water and press them against my face. Maybe this will help me with my complexion.

"Hey, Ana." The sound of his voice takes me by surprise, I haven't heard how he has left Leila's bedroom. I yelp, surprised by his sudden appearance and turn around. Thank god, he is dressed. Christian is standing by our floral armchair and is looking intently at his phone. He has replaced his towel with light jeans and a green shirt. His hair is still wet and all curly. When I yelp he looks up at me apologetically. "Didn't want to scare you. Sorry."

My heart throbs rapidly in my chest while I try to act as nonchalant as possible. "No worries. I was just thinking..." thinking about you and your dammit towel "… about stuff." I bite my lip before I smile at him.

He nods towards the washed dishes. "You had breakfast?" Didn't he see? He walked by me when I was drinking coffee.

"Uh, yeah." I mumble. "I made coffee. Do you want a cup?"

He lays his phone on our coffee table and nods. "That would be nice." He walks up to the kitchen island and sits down on one of the stools. While I pour him a cup I see how he brushes over his face with his hands, yawning quietly. I now notice the circles under his gray eyes.

"Long night?" I ask him when I place his cup in front of him and get him milk and sugar. Unlike me he uses a lot of sugar. I cringe when I notice that he puts three spoons full of it to his coffee. He manages a half smile when he sees me cringing.

"Too much to drink. I'm totally hung over." He groans pleasantly when he takes a sip of his drink. "God, I love coffee."

I feel bad for causing him to wake up. If I hadn't been, he wouldn't have to wake up so early.

"We can go another time if you want." I suggest quietly and fidget with the small pot of basil placed on our kitchen island – Leila has a green thumb that's why we have lots of plants in our apartment. We have lavenders grooming in a big mug shaped pot beside our entrance, motley pots of roses on our coffee table and her windowsill in her room looks like a small conservatory. Because of safety reasons I am not allowed to care for these plants. They would quickly die under my watch.

"Nonsense." he spurts out. "I'm fit enough to go. The sugar you hate so much will help me."

I try to smile but the guilt is wrenching my guts. He is hungover and I am dragging him to this book fair.

"Really, Ana. I'm good to go. No worries." He gives me an encouraging smile when he sees how I am visibly doubting him. "You go get ready. Unless you want to come like this." With a grin he points to my sleep attire. I blush when I look down to my Garfield t-shirt and hurry to my room to get dressed. Behind me I can hear him laugh.

Freshly dressed in jeans and my pink pullover I return to the living room with my hair straightened and my face covered with minimal make-up – I am wearing my usual lip gloss and I have mascaraed my lashes. Genetically I am blessed with a clear skin and the annoying habit to flush from which my friends say that it looks cute.

Christian is eating a leftover bagel with cream cheese when I walk up to him to tell him that I am ready to go. He takes his last bite and nods with his mouth full.

"I'm gonna brush my teeth. Take your time with chewing." I say with a smirk when I notice how he is trying to swallow his food rapidly. In the bathroom I notice that the cupboard where we store our fresh, for guests only towels is ajar. Leila must have told him where he can find them. I close it and brush my teeth. My eyes wander to the mirror above our sink, it's still foggy from Christian's shower but I manage to brush the moist fog away so I can see my face while I brush my teeth. I scold myself for having applied my lip gloss before brushing my teeth. It needs to be reapplied now. Too late to scold yourself now. I think with a shrug and keep glancing into my blue eyes. My mother always told me that I have the most beautiful blue eyes she ever saw.

They are so deep like the bluest ocean on earth, she used to say, and someday a young man is going to drown in them. Until now I only had met men who liked to play in the nonswimmer-area. I frown at myself for thinking about my exes. I finish my business and head back to my room where I reapply my lip gloss and gather my purse. With one last look to the mirror I am ready to head out. Back in the living room I find Leila's bedroom door ajar and can hear her and Christian whispering. Her room is still dark. I assume she is as hungover as he is – or worse if she has heeded the advice of Mia – and she is probably not going to leave the bed today.

After my lunch with Christian on Wednesday, Leila had confronted me about her feelings for Christian and me. She had told me that as her best friend I had a special place in her life and I would always have. She really liked Christian and she could see herself falling in love with him soon. Christian was perfect after all, he was nice, kind, witty and trustworthy. He was the perfect gentleman and he adored her – at least Leila could guess that from his behavior. What Leila really wanted was that her best friend and her new boyfriend got along well because they were both important for her. She asked me if I liked Christian or if I was only tolerating him because of her. I told her that I didn't think negatively of him, he was nice like she said. But why was I practically not speaking to him then, she asked, I should be honest with her if something was wrong.

Hearing her say these words made me internally die because how can I be honest with her if I know that the truth will be so much worse? Again I told her that there was nothing wrong with Christian or them being together. Leila told me that Christian felt miserable because he blamed himself. I said that this was ridiculous and that she knew how terribly shy I could get when I met new people and it takes me some time to get used to them. She of course knew that and asked me to give Christian a chance to get to know him and she was very fond of the idea of us going to the book fair together, spending a day with each other.

"So, Leila told us to have fun today." Christian tells me when he emerges out of her bedroom and closes the door behind him. His sudden appearance pulls me back to the now and I nod silently at him. He gives me a crooked smile. "I'm just gonna brush my teeth but you're ready, right?"

"Yes." I answer him and he goes to brush his teeth while I put on my shoes.

Later in the car we are sitting quietly beside each other in his Volvo while he maneuvers us through Seattle's early traffic. Surprisingly the streets are full of people, so unlikely for the people of Seattle on an early Sunday morning. Christian has turned up the radio where a DJ is talking about the top 20 charts of all the time favorite songs. It's funny to hear a hard rock song right after a disco song.

"Can you give me my sunglasses? They are inside the glove box." Christian asks me while squinting with his eyes because of the brightness of the sky. I feel guilty while I search for his sunglasses in his glove box because of the personal items placed in there. I catch a glimpse of old magazines, a small book, and even some candy. This man has a ridiculous sweet tooth. I find two pairs of glasses in there and hand him the black ones because I think they would suit him the most.

He thanks me with a smile and puts his glasses on. I was right, they look really good on him. "You can take the other one if you want." He suggests but I shake my head and thank him.

We are listening to an Elvis Presley song when I notice that we are nearing to Bellevue, a town outside of Seattle where Christian's family lives. I have never been in Bellevue before, I don't know why. Suddenly the song changes and the first tunes of a Sinatra song can be heard.

"Ah." Christian makes an admirably sound and turns up the volume. "Good ol' Frank."

I recognize the song, it's 'Witchcraft'. It's one of my favorites.

"You like Frank Sinatra?" I ask him excitedly. He nods and whistles the melody of the song.

"Who doesn't?" He asks me and when I catch the playfully arrogant expression on his face I have to giggle. "What's your most favorite song by Sinatra?"

I think about it a little. I have to say I am very fond of 'Witchcraft' but I have to confess that another song has captured my heart more. "'My way'"

"Classic. I like it, Steele." He nods admirably at me and I could burst with pride. I shouldn't probably let the opinions of others affect me but Christian isn't just anybody.

"And yours?" I ask him.

"You are hearing it right now." He answers me when we stop at some traffic lights. "What else do you listen to?"

We talk about our favorite bands, artists and types of music and surprisingly we have a similar taste – well, expect for his silent crush on the Spice Girls. I find out that Christian's parents are also very interested in music. That's why his mother has made him and his brother take piano lessons.

Later Christian who kinda hated to play the piano had learned to play the guitar by himself because he felt like it was easier to charm the ladies with a guitar. He joked and said that it was a lot easier to carry a guitar around than a piano. I told him that I wished that my mum had been that coordinated because when I was growing up she had told me to learn whatever I want. She was not going to push me into something I don't want. I knew she meant well but sometimes I wish I had someone who made me learn the piano or go to the ballet lessons all my friends where going.

A little after 9.30, it took us longer because of the traffic, we arrive in front of what seems to be a gym hall of the local school. Christian parks his car on the gravel capped parking spot on the left of the entrance. A huge blue door leads inside, over it hangs a placard with the words "Annual book fair of Bellevue's congregation" in bold black letters. A flower rimmed road leads to the door which is ajar. It's surprisingly empty in front of the entrance and I wonder if we are too early.

"Ready?" Christian asks me when he had parked the car. He takes off his sunglasses and puts them back in the glove box,

"Ready if you are." I respond with a smile and we leave the car. He locks it afterwards with his keys and leads me to the entrance of the hall with his hand on my waist. I tense up when I feel him slightly touching me and he quickly pulls his hand away. I don't dare to look up at him and keep my focus on the placard.

When we enter the hall, I am surprised at the puniness of the so called book fair even if it is placed in a huge gym. There are approximately twenty or less stands – they basically are tables pushed to squares -, all filled with books and surrounded by a small group of people. A red carpet creates a hallway leading from the door to the stands. A little bit on the left of the book stands there is small cafeteria like area where they have placed a buffet and a few tables. I spot the sandwiches Christian had mentioned and I wonder if they are as good as he has promised.

"Wow. This year it's packed." Christian jokes when he notices my expression of surprise at the small number of people. I chuckle and follow him through the carpet hallway. Even if it's a petite book fair, I am still intrigued to find out about the books featured here. My palms are twitching with anticipation. We reach the stand which is the nearest to the door and we are greeted by an elderly man with wrinkles on his face and typical grandpa specs on his nose. I have to suppress a laugh when it is clear that he is also a little cloth-eared, he practically screams his welcome at us.

"Have we met before, boy?" He asks Christian loudly while I am checking the books laying on the table in front of me. Like Christian said they seem to be mostly religious but I still open a few of them in order to be polite. I catch a few scribbles of little notes in one book about the life after death, someone has written 'Jessica + Micheal' and framed it with a heart. It was probably a bored teenage girl. I wonder why she was reading this book, usually teenagers read stuff like Harry Potter and Twilight.

From the corner of my eye I see how Christian smiles at the old man. "You probably know my mother. I'm Grace's son."

"Grace who?" The man asks him again with a skeptical look on his face.

"Dr. Grey. Grace Trevelyan Grey." I strain my ears, I didn't know his mother was a doctor. Okay, I don't know much about him but it's still a surprise.

"Ah! You are Dr. Grey's son. You are... Christopher!"

I have to grin. Christopher.

"No, I'm Christian. Is my mother here?"

"Yes, yes. She should be here somewhere. I have seen her this morning, she was making sandwiches."

Christian and the man talk a little about their lives in Bellevue. The old man introduces himself as Mr. Moore and tells Christian about his life as a retiree. And how his grandson has got a gold medal at his schools Olympiad. He sounds proud of his grandchildren – he has four of them. Meanwhile I have worked my way through a couple of other books, some of them were secondhand bibles, and have read a few pages of one called 'Men and god – who is more powerful?' Surprisingly the author had stated that men had created god and god could only be powerful as long as somebody believed in him. I liked that thought.

"Well, Mr. Moore, it was nice talking to you." Christian and I say bye to the nice old man who waves behind us as we walk to the next stand.

"Find something interesting?" Christian asks me and nods towards Mr. Moore's stand.

"Not interesting enough to buy unfortunately." I answer him. "Hopefully on the next one."

The next one is also lacking of something interesting enough to buy even if the lady besides the stand practically tries to convert me into an orthodox life. She means no harm but Christian and I hastily walk to another stand. Her determination is proven when she screams behind us that she will give us three books for the price of one but we ignore her. No need to say I blush deep crimson while Christian snickers to himself.

"Do you believe in god?" Christian asks me when we are on our fifth stand where we find a couple of books about gardening. I feel like the whole hall is listening to my answer and I hope we are in a non-judging place.

"You gotta believe in something, don't you?" I shrug and he looks at me in thought.

"Explain, please."

I sigh and place the book in my hand - "What you shouldn't do to your plants and flowers" - on top of the pile in front of me. "Believing means hoping that all this, -" I gesture toward our surrounding "- has a meaning. It gives us hope that if we live a certain way we are either going to be rewarded or punished. And god is the metaphorical judge of our behaving and misbehaving."

"But that doesn't really answer my question, Ana." He pesters me, his eyes looking at me intently. I simply nod and thankfully he doesn't dig further.

"Gardening books?" He changes the topic and points to the books in front of me. "You like gardening?"

I have to laugh out loud. If Leila could hear him. "No! I suck at it! I would kill the rainforest faster than some companies do."

"Leila loves plants." He says and picks up one of the copies of 'Handy life hacks for your plants and flowers'. "This sounds good." Christian says after reading a couple of pages. "Would she like it?" he looks at me questioningly and holds it up so I can see its green cover where a smiling woman is planting a tree.

"Yes, she always checks up life hack online. This way she would actually read a book once in a while." Leila isn't the bookish type.

While Christian is paying for his present for Leila I take a look at the other copies of it. I find an old dry cleaning bill in one of them back from 2007. It was probably used as a bookmark. I wonder what they did to get their dry cleaning. Maybe it was a fancy suit or a dress worn by pretty lady who had a green thumb. Maybe her dress was green as the plants she loves so much.

"You want a copy for yourself?" Christian asks me suddenly with a smirk. He is carrying a bag which I assume contains Leila's present.

"What? No." I say with a shake of my head and place the book to the others.

"The lady told me that the fiction books are in the far end." He nods with his hand to the sales lady who is talking to a couple right now. "Let's skip the rest of the stands because I don't think we will find anything interesting."

I nod in agreement and we walk to the promised fiction stands. On our way, a middle aged man stops us to greet Christian. Apparently he is Christian's gym teacher from high school. We are greeted by a young teenage girl when we reach the stand with the fictional books. She blushes when she gets a look of Christian and starts twirling with her ponytail, a nervous gesture. Oh dear. Christian asks her jokingly where the manlier books are and she answers him mumbling her words. "At the other side of the table." When I am alone with her, I ask her what she meant with manlier books and she blushes. When she answers me that these are the books she isn't allowed to read by her mother, I frown at her. I am doubting that they are featuring adult books here. Christian answers my silent questions.

"Look, they have a copy of 'The silence of the lambs'! Nice." He calls out and holds up the book so I can see its cover from here. Oh, she meant that kind of books. "Who would want to get rid of this book? Honestly." I hear him say and snicker at his outburst.

I look around myself and find some romantic novels which Mia would like – she is a diehard Nicholas Sparks fan – and even a few children's books. I beam with joy when I find a copy of 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. I have always wanted a copy of this.

"Whatcha grinning at, Steele?" Christian asks me from where he is standing and I simply hold up the book in my hands.

"I love 'The Little Prince'." I say gleefully while I am grinning like I won the lottery. Christian strides over to where I am standing and looks at the copy in my hands. He takes it from my hands and looks inside it.

"Seems to be in a good shape. You want it?"

"Hell yes." I exclaim making the girl blush and I panic while hoping that nobody else had heard me. Christian laughs out loud and shakes his head. "Careful, Ana. You might get us thrown out."

Now I am the blushing one.

"How much?" he asks the sales girl and points to the book in his hands.

"Five dollars, please." she whispers to him and bites her lip. Her behavior is oddly familiar.

"Five dollars for 'The Little Prince'?" I burst out, shocked at the low price. I might become a fan of this book fair. She just nods as timid as a fawn. I think I am intimidating her. Wow. That's a first.

Suddenly Christian is handing her five dollars and before I can stop him he has paid for my book. I frown at him. "That was totally unnecessary but thanks."

He smiles at me and hands me over my bag with my 'The Little Prince' inside it. "No big deal."

After we have purchased my book we wander back to the other stands and I buy a cooking book for Mia because she always is looking for new recipes. She is a mean cook. Ethan swears that he will end up tubby if she keeps making great meals. Christian of course asks me if I like to cook when I am buying the book. I tell him that I can make a few meals well but I don't test out new recipes like Mia. He confesses to be horrible in the kitchen and the only thing he can manage is pasta.

"Speaking of food. Are you hungry? We could head to the buffet if you want. You know, the ironically devilish good sandwiches I told you about?"

It's a little after 2pm already and I feel famished.

The buffet features a few different kind of sandwiches and I squint my eyes to read shields placed beside the tablets. We get a plastic plate each and I get myself a tofu sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes and mayonnaise while Christian grabs a ham sandwich. He looks at me curiously when he notices the type of sandwich I chose.

"Are you a vegetarian?" he asks me with a surprised tone.

"No. I just felt like... eating tofu."

"You don't like sugar, no candy but you like tofu. I'm judging you right now." he says with a playfully disgusted face.

"At least I won't have caries."

"Believe me, Ana, the taste of sugar is totally worth it." He looks proud of himself which makes me snicker.

"Look what they have!" He suddenly bursts out and points to the bottles of what seems to be chocolate milk beside the tablets full of sandwiches. "I am betting that you also don't like chocolate milk."

"Sorry to disappoint you but I actually very much like chocolate milk."

"Well, that's a surprise. You go sit down, I will get us a cup." He gives me his plate before he wanders to the bottles to pour us our drinks. I watch him, dumbfounded because he looks graceful while doing a simple task. I shake my head and turn to sit down at one of the empty tables. A group of elderly ladies is sitting around a table while cackling at an anecdote told by one of them. They smile at me when I sit down at the table beside them. Politely I smile back. Christian is back with our drinks and a few napkins.

"Thought we might need them." He explains to me as he sits down. I thank him and take a bite of my sandwich. Hmm. He was right. It does taste good.

Christian hems to get my attention. I look up and see him holding his plastic cup towards me. "I would like to make a toast." I give him a skeptical look before I also raise my cup.

He grins now. "To annual book fairs and new friendships." We clink our cups and I have to giggle at his goofiness and cuteness. Friends, I think to myself, are we friends? Can we be friends without me feeling guilty because of Leila? I think I want to be his friend and as long as my thoughts are purely innocent I am not going to hell. I take a sip of my chocolate milk, it also tastes great. I'm definitely going to visit this book fair again next year.

"So, Miss Steele, can I assume that you had fun today?" he asks me when we have finished our meal. "I wasn't too hard to tolerate, I hope."

"You were okay, I guess." I mock him. It's surprisingly easier to talk to him now.

"I can work with 'okay' even if that word could never describe me. In my humble opinion, I was more like an 'awesome' or 'life-changingly good'." He plays along with a grin.

"Then your opinion is anything but humble."

"Oh, believe me, Ana, if I wasn't this humble I would have dared to call myself 'godlike'." He snickers at his joke.

"No god related jokes, son. Haven't I taught you that?" The sudden appearance of a small, brunette woman with a loving smile on her face surprises us both. Christian practically jumps out of his seat when he hears her voice.

"Mother!" Now I see the resemblance. He has her gray eyes and her smile. They hug each other. "I was wondering why you didn't emerge before."

She slaps him playfully on his arm. "Well, if I had known that you would be here I would have said hello earlier. As always my sons keep secrets from me but I have my eyes and ears everywhere." Her eyes are on me now and she is giving me sweet smile. "You must be Leila. I am so happy to finally meet you, this one here couldn't stop talking about you." She nods toward Christian before she holds out her hand to me. I notice that she has clean and feminine hands as we shake hands. I blush, embarrassed at being mistaken for Leila.

"I'm Anastasia Steele, ma'am. I'm Leila's best friend." I introduce myself quietly and she gives me an apologetically look.

"Oh, dear. I'm sorry I just thought you were Leila because my son has been talking about how beautiful she was and that she was a brunette with blue eyes." Her apology sounds honest. "I feel really terrible now."

"No need to feel horrible, Mrs. Grey." I mumble and blush deepens. Thankfully, Christian saves the day.

"That wasn't very graceful, mother." he jokes and makes her laugh. Her name is Grace and it wasn't graceful. I get it.

"Blame your father. He has a bad influence on me." Her giggle sounds heavenly. She is soft and feminine, I like her. "But no need to call me Mrs. Grey, dear. Call me Grace."

"Ana is a big fan of books and I thought where better to take her than my own mother's book fair?" Christian explains to her when she asks him from where his sudden interest for her charity work has risen. She wishes us a good day and scuttles away afterwards because she is needed at one of the stands. Mr. Moore had told her that we were present and she had wanted to check up on her son. Deep down I know she wanted to check up on me, or Leila if she had been here instead of me. I feel bad for meeting his mother before her, like I took something special away from her.

We get another cup of chocolate milk and sit down, not interested at looking up new books. After a day like we had, I assume that I am able to ask him more private questions. There is something that has been on my mind since Friday and I am dying to hear his answer.

"Christian." I say. "Can I ask you something?"

He just nods and waits.

"And you really don't have to answer it because I know it's none of business but it has been nagging me."

"Shoot, Ana." He gives me encouraging smile. Here it goes.

"Why did you freak out when Leila was talking about Mia' and Ethan's wedding?"

He raises his eyebrows and scratches his chin. "You didn't miss that, did you? Okay, where to start? I think I was just overwhelmed by the fact that someone like Leila - a woman who is clever, witty and kind - wanted to be with me. Before that we hadn't really talked about the future, you know. I mean, of course I wanted us to have a future but when Leila just assumed that I would be her date when Mia and Ethan get married in February, I freaked out. It was a rather.. guy-ish thing and not one of my best moments."

"Don't you want to be together with her?"

"Yes, I do. Trust me, I do. But it was such a great pressure on my shoulders like there was this voice saying 'don't fuck it up' while another one was saying 'who cares if you fuck it up?'. I felt like I was suffocating and I needed to get out."

I look down to my cup where the milk has formed bubbles.

"Does that even make sense to you?" Christian asks me with a shake of his head. "It was such a weird feeling but I am thankful that I have felt it because otherwise I wouldn't know what I want."

He wants Leila. Of course he does. It still hurts though.

Christian and I drive home after an hour of being questioned by some ladies who are his mother's friends and neighbors. They tell me that they have known him since he was little child and when they try to tell me embarrassing childhood stories Christian leads me away from them with a silent curse on his mouth. I have to laugh because of his light pink blush. Right at the door leading outside we meet his godmother, Berenice Lincoln, who gives him a heartwarming greeting while she simply looks at me like I killed her puppy.

She sound immensely arrogant and I can't say that I like her. With her paws all over him she reminds him to call her more often and that she misses the times he used to visit them. Christian tries to charm her by telling her that he is just working so much and doesn't really have time for himself. She mutters something about him having enough time to take me there but he ignores it and wishes her a good day before we head out. Later in the car I find out that she is the mother of one of his childhood friends, Elena, and she had hoped that Christian would be her son-in-law.

At home we find Leila splayed on our couch in her pj's, watching The Big Bang Theory with a bag of chips. She is all smiles and wants to know how our day was and if we have got her something. She squeals gleefully when he hands her the book he has bought for her. Christian has sat down beside her, his arm is thrown over her shoulder while she flicks through her present and rambles about always wanting a book like that. I see how he looks at her, it's a look full of love, and suddenly I feel like somebody has poured hot lead over me. I am an outsider now. The day we spent was just meant to be to gain a new friend. I knew that I wasn't more than a friend for him.

But why does this hurt so much?

* * *

 **Yeah. That's it.**

 **Until next time**

 **Melii x**

 **P.S.: Reviews are appreciated and have the magical ability to make me write faster.**


	8. Chapter 8

**WARNING: This story features Christian Grey and Leila Williams as a couple! BUT the happily ever after is going to be Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey! IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN READING THE CxL PAIRING - EVEN IF IT IS ONLY FOR 10 TO 15 CHAPTERS - THEN PLEASE GO READ SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE YOU START CALLING ME NAMES! YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE A REVIEW AS LONG AS IT IS MATURE AND POLITE! OTHERWISE I WILL SIMPLY DELETE IT! Thank you!**

 **Okay. I have been very patient with those who used being a guest in order to call me names and just being nasty.** **To be honest, I'm sick of reading deconstructive reviews from people who use the safety that being a guest reviewer provides! That's why I have decided to moderate guest reviews from now on. Don't think I'm going to delete everything that is criticising me, I am very open to criticism. But if you are simply calling me names I don't see the point to publish your review. And I don't understand why you would even bother to review on something that you obviously hate? Go read something else!**

 **Reviews are welcome as long as they are mature, polite and from someone who gives me their advice on how I could make it better. If you simply hate my story, then I probably won't care about your opinion!**

 **Thanks for reviewing and keeping up with me. You are the best.**

 **Also thanks to my beta 'AvidVillain95' for her work. She is amazing. IF YOU STILL FIND MISTAKES DEAL WITH THEM!**

 **And especially thanks to those who love my story for what it is.**

* * *

 **8\. Being brave**

"Ta da!" Mia twirls around, the heavy white fabric of her dress dances around her ankles.

"Oh my sweet girl." Her mother, Elizabeth, has teary eyes and sobs happily. Mia is wearing one of her potential wedding gowns. It's floor-length, strapless, crested with pearls at the decollete and with ruffles at its wide skirt. Mia has put a silver crown on her head, she looks like a princess.

"It's beautiful! Ethan will have a heart attack." Kate is looking at her soon to be sister-in-law with love filled eyes. We nod in agreement and 'oh' and 'ah' at the little details Mrs. Kavanaugh, who asked us to call her Adele, points out. She has personally designed this dress for her future daughter-in-law and in my opinion she did a great job.

We are sitting at 'Cherie', the bridal shop of Ethan' and Kate's mother, on pink poufs with champagne and desserts in front of us on the white wooden table. Leila, Kate and me have already tried on our bridesmaids dresses – like Mia has told us we declared to be only interested in the blue and lilac one, Elizabeth had frowned at us because of our decision – and after a long discussion about great looking bosoms and emphasizing colors we had decided on the lilac one. It looked great on all three of us and Mrs. Kavanaugh had been nice enough to sponsor us with accesoires – one of her friends owned a jewelry shop. Like Mia had mentioned she wanted us to wear big, black necklaces with geometrical shapes and fitting peeptoe-ankle-boots. I wasn't very keen on high heels but for one day I would make a sacrifice.

Mia turns around to take a look of herself in the mirror placed right beside the dressing rooms. I can see how her eyes sparkle with glee, she has always wanted to look like a princess. She squeals, super excited wearing this dress and her enthusiasm is infectious. I have to smile while I take a sip of my champagne. I wonder if Mrs. Kavanaugh is always this generous or if we are getting a special treatment because Ethan is her son.

"This is totally my dress." Mia bursts out and starts twirling around again. She has thrown her hands above her head and I think I have never seen her happier.

"You have still two more to try, dear." Adele smiles at Mia with a motherly expression on her face. "Come on." She leads her back to the dressing room where she helps her into the other dress.

"Look at our little pixie. All grown up and stuff." Leila says with a wistful look toward the dressing room doors.

"Hopefully we will get to see the three of you in a wedding gown soon." Elizabeth jokes. She is surprisingly tall woman in her late forties with Mia's black hair. Unlike her daughter she has chocolate brown eyes. I like her a lot, she is my mother figure here in Seattle. Kate, Leila and I look at each other skeptically. The possibility that one of us is getting married soon is unlikely. Kate has always been pretty much against marriage, she described it as just one piece of paper which doesn't say anything about the love between two people and it was something people did because society made them feel obliged. In contrast Leila thought that it was something that proved the love of two people, being committed by law was a selfless thing to do she said. I myself couldn't care less. As long as people loved each other it didn't matter if they were married or not.

"Who will be the next of you to marry?" Mia's mother wonders and makes a thoughtful face. "I bet it's Kate. She is always fighting against it, yes. But maybe deep down it's her biggest dream to walk down the aisle wearing a pretty white dress."

"No way." Kate grimaces. "Besides I'm single right now. Logically it should be Leila because she has a boyfriend. They could elope tomorrow, who knows."

"Christian and eloping? He is too traditional to do that. He is all big wedding with fireworks and flower girls." Leila sounds frightened. "It's too early to think about that anyway even if he have had 'the talk'." She makes quotation marks with her manicured fingers.

Last week after my trip with Christian, he and Leila had decided to take a walk. He had claimed that Leila needed fresh air to get over being hungover but something in his eyes had told me that this was just an excuse to talk to her alone without me being in the next room. I had been right because afterwards he dropped Leila out and went to his own apartment to get some clean clothes. As soon as we were alone Leila had jumped on me and told me excitedly about the talk she and Christian had while walking around in the park. He first apologized for his weird reaction and explained to her what he wanted from the future. Leila's eyes had sparkled with joy when she told me that he wanted to have a family, a big one if it was possible, children and a dog which he would name something ridiculous like Archie.

Christian explained to her that all these things don't have to become reality in the next few years but he hoped that their relationship could head there and if she didn't feel the same way she should tell him. Leila being the love sick person that she is told him that she never had thought about these things with her exes and this was all very overwhelming, but she also thought that if she ever was going to have a life like that she could see it to be with Christian. I could totally understand her. He had also told her that of course he was going to be her date on Mia' and Ethan's wedding.

Since then they had lost the tension between them and were back to being our newly in love couple. Well, apart from that little dispute they had two days ago. Leila's ex had called her, wanting to meet her. Mitch had told her that he felt sorry for what he did – that sleazeball had broke her heart twice by being nothing but a liar – and he wanted to apologize to her face to face.

Leila had been happy that he had called, she wanted to meet him and tell him to his face what kind of an ass he had been. She wanted to use the opportunity to call him the names we haven been calling him behind his back and she also wanted to brag with her new relationship with Christian.

Unfortunately, Christian was anything but fine with her decision. He didn't want Leila to meet Mitch, even if it was just for the purpose of putting an end to their past. He said that Mitch clearly wanted Leila back and he feared that Leila would feel the same way if she saw her ex again. Leila thought he was being irresponsibly jealous, she didn't want Mitch back. She only wanted to make him understand what kind of a jerk he had been and what he was missing.

"Or maybe Ana finally calls Ben and they will get married before me and Christian." Leila gives me an accusing glance. "I don't know why you still haven't called him. It's been a week!"

"Leila." I warn her, not wanting to discuss the whole Ben situation right now.

"Call that boy, Ana. He was quite thunderstruck." Kate chips in while she pours herself more champagne into her flute. "If you don't call him, someone else will."

I groan, annoyed at my friends and their determination to embarrass me. "Could we please change the topic? I told you what I am thinking about Ben." He didn't look like a psychopath, he seemed to be nice enough but I thought it wasn't the most romantic love story. Meeting randomly two times at different locations – one of them being a bar - sounded nothing like the fairytale material I wanted.

I had ridiculously high standards for someone who was (kinda) in love with the boyfriend of her best friend. I should probably follow their advise and try to date someone, maybe that way I could forget Christian who declared himself as my new best friend after our book flair trip. All week long he had been extra friendly, making me laugh with his jokes and discussing Harper Lee's writing style like a pro. I have to confess it had been fun to hang out with him and being his friend sounded great. But when I noticed the small details about him, like he blinked hardly whenever he had to read the small letters of a newspaper or how he sighed after he had taken the first bite of his food, the butterflies in my stomach throw a party and the guilt I feel hits me in the guts with the force of a punch from a professional boxer.

I feel guilty to call him my friend when I have these feelings for him. I feel guilty because Leila, who is unobvious to my real thoughts, is happy that we are getting along. She had wanted a detailed description of our day. I had told her over and over again what we had done. For her it was important to be sure that I didn't hate Christian like she assumed that I did and for what felt like a millionth time I told her no, I didn't hate him. We were friends now. It was getting tiring to talk about it.

The worst thing was that I had met his mother and she had mistaken me for her. When I told her about it – apparently Christian hadn't told her – she became flustered and annoyed that he didn't tell her about our meeting. I had to point out that Grace only mistook me for her because Christian had been talking about a pretty brunette named Leila and how happy he was with her. That caught her attention and she was happy again. Simple.

"Tell me about your Christian, Leila dear. I heard so many nice things about him." Elizabeth saves me by engaging Leila to a conversation. From the corner of her eye she glances at me quickly and I smile gratefully at her. Leila is telling her about Christian and how they met when Mia and Adele are back from the dressing room with a new dress. It's a v-neck dress with long sleeves and an ornately fabric. The skirt is tighter than the first dress but it's enhancing Mia's figure perfectly. She turns her back to us so we can see the back decollete which goes from her neck to her waist.

"All modest in the front and all fun in the back." Mia laughs. "What do you think, ladies?"

"I wish it was modest in the back too." her mother mumbles and earns a mean look from her. Elizabeth can be old fashioned from time to time.

We give her encouraging smiles and Mia asks us which one we liked better, the first dress or this one? To be honest, I had found the first one more her style but I tell her it's her decision. The others agree and Mia goes back to try the last dress her mother-in-law has designed for her.

"Will you call Ben if I promise you not to speak about him again?" Thanks to the distraction Mia's dress gave her Leila is back to pestering me and I roll my eyes at her determination. It's getting out of hand. Can't she just accept my opinion and let it go?

"I will call him whenever I feel like it, okay?" I see how Kate kicks Leila in the shin, a warning gesture. Kate knows best when I am not to be fucked with. She learned it the hard way when we were roommates in college. Thankfully, the topic is forgotten as soon as Mia is back with dress number three. It's also princess like, a huge skirt with a heart shaped decollete on top. Clearly Mrs. Kavanaugh had followed Mia's pattern and wishes.

After Mia decides on dress number one with our help and she and Adele arrange the dates of her fitting sessions, we leave with Mia's mother who has invited us to have dinner with her. We squeeze into her car and she drives us to a restaurant located near my office. I have passed this one a few times but never felt the desire to check it out. We are enjoying the surprisingly good food and Elizabeth's anecdotes when Leila's cell phone rings, announcing a message. She reads it quickly and smiles at the screen. It is obviously a message from Christian, I think while I munch on my hamburger.

"The guys are meeting at Seatdown. They want to know if we are in too." she looks at us questioningly. "Come on, guys. We need a drink after a day like this." We have spent all day talking about wedding dresses, dessous for Mia' and Ethan's honeymoon and floral arrangements. My head is full of informations about throwing the perfect wedding.

"Without me, girls. My husband is waiting at home." Elizabeth chips in and after we finish our meals and pay for them, she is kind enough to drive us to Seatdown. She wishes us a good night and drives off. Inside we are greeted by the bar owner, José Rodriguez, himself with a grin on his face. His white teeth are in contrast to his dark skin.

"There are my favorite girls." he has a bit of a Portuguese accent and I have to say that it sounds erotic. "I have missed you." I don't know why he has missed us like we didn't show up for years, our girl's night had been last week.

"José, if I wasn't engaged to Ethan." Mia flirts with him playfully and bats her eyelashes at him. This is their running gag.

"You can still elope with me, _amor_." he winks at her but she shakes her head, telling him that she looks too good in her wedding dress to elope. He laughs at her joke and tells us that Ethan and Luke are sitting, pointing to their table with his hand.

I spot them right away, Luke's red hair can be seen from a distance. Ethan, Luke, Elliott, Jason and Christian are sitting with two strangers, a man and woman. They greet us with 'hey' and 'hi's and Elliott introduces the blonde, curvaceous woman to us as Gia Matteo, his colleague and friend. She is immensely good-looking, it makes me doubt myself and my clothing choice. I am wearing a mint green shirt with black jeans paired with my Converse. I look anything but posh. Gia is sporting a tight dress with a blue blazer and high heels, she deserves to be on the cover of some fancy magazine.

She smiles at us while she shakes our hands but it doesn't reach her dull eyes. I guess you could say that she is polite but not friendly toward us. The guy on the other hand is all devilishly handsome and charming, as he shakes our hands and tells us that how happy is to meet us finally. He is totally schmoozing us and we are under his spell within a minute. His name is Jack Hyde, he has reddish blonde hair which he is wearing in a short ponytail. His dark blue eyes are piercing, looking like they are searching for our soul in our eyes. I'm surprised to notice that both of his eyes pierced. When we sit down, Elliott tells us that Jack works at a bank and he helped him to build his office because he had good connections to get Elliott a loan.

Jack, who stays humble at Elliott's praises, is attentive and asks us what we would like to drink. He stands up from his seat beside me and lays a hand on the back of my chair so that his fingertips are brushing against my back, while we tell him what we would like to drink. Christian goes with him to the bar to help him with our orders.

"Gia, it's Saturday night. Wouldn't you rather be with your boyfriend instead of drinking with the boss?" Kate, who has given Gia nothing but mean looks because she was seated beside Elliott and at any given opportunity she would touch him nonchalantly, asks her spuriously with her famous 'read the subtext in my words' smile. She has tough competition though, Gia returns her smile with her own 'got the message but two can play the game' pursed lips.

"I have no boyfriend." she says and I could swear to have her mumble 'yet' under her breath while she gives Elliott a longing glance. It is obvious that she is interested in him. Hasn't she heard about the rule 'never fuck the boss'? I narrow my eyes at her.

"I still don't understand though. Spending my Saturday night with my boss? Thanks but I will pass." Kate isn't giving up and if I was a betting woman I would totally bet on her. She can be fierce and competitive when it comes to potential love interests.

"Well, you don't have a boss like Elliott then." Ms. Matteo has a few tricks up her sleeve's. I can't say that I am not impressed. My eyes cross with Elliott's and he winks at me with a half smile. He is enjoying the pissing contest between Kate and Gia. I roll my eyes at him and try to listen to Mia' and Ethan's conversation. She is telling him all about today and that we have chosen our bridesmaid dresses. When she starts to tell him about her dress, Leila pinches her sight.

"Ouch!" Mia gives Leila a mean look. "What was that for?" She massages the spot Leila has pinched her on her ribs.

"You can't tell him about your dress! That's bad luck!" Leila might be a little superstitious.

"He just can't see it before the wedding. No problem with telling him about it." the bride to be narrows her eyes and continues to tell Ethan about her dress. He is giving her a loving smile, his green eyes glistening with his honest feelings for her. They are quite a pair, all beautiful.

"Tell him about the other stuff we bought. I'm sure that's far more interesting for him." Leila says with a grin. She means the dessous Mia bought for their honeymoon. Ethan has booked a week stay at an hotel in Ibiza but Mia doesn't know yet because he plans to surprise her on her birthday in two weeks. The guys laugh at Leila's words and Mia blushes slightly. Ethan whispers something to her ear, her blush deepens.

While I am talking to Jason and Luke about work – Robert has been lighting fire under us since he heard a gossip about a takeover – Christian and Jack are back with our drinks. Christian winks at me when he hands me my beer.

"So, Ana. Tell me about yourself." Jack has taken his seat beside me and gives me an encouraging smile. His body is turned toward me so his knees are touching my thighs slightly. He is looking intensely at me, like he really cares about what I am going to say about me. I wonder if he is being charming or a kissass.

I tell him about my parents, he asks me if I was born in Seattle and I nod. Then he asks me where my parents live now, if they are still living in Seattle. He seems to be fairly fascinated with my story about mom and dad moving to Savannah because of Ray's work and when I tell him that I work at SIP he is hooked.

"My brother works at SIP, in finances. Aaron Hyde, you know him?" he asks and under his intensive stare I feel that I am blushing.

"No, but I'm sure Luke does. He also works at SIP." I gesture to Luke who has peeked his ears by the mention of his name. He usually hangs out with the guys from finances, I bet he knows Jack's brother.

"Who? Aaron Hyde? Of course I know him." I frown at Jack when he practically ignores Luke and keeps asking me stuff about my work at SIP. He wants to know if I enjoy to work as a reader, how my relationship with boss is and if I don't want to change paths.

"I have always wanted to work with books. I'm a keen reader." I wonder what it is that makes him so easy to talk with. "And SIP has become a part of my life now, I couldn't let it go even if I wanted." I hear how the others are talking about Mia's nearing birthday. She is explaining to them what she plans to do.

"A bit of a workaholic, aren't you?" he smirks at me, his bright teeth are clean and fresh. "I know what that's like." I don't know how he has managed to figure out that I am a workaholic. Is he that good at reading people?

"For the love of god, Hyde. Let the girl have her drink in peace without you pestering her." Christian chips in and gives Jack a long, intent stare. A cold smile sits on Jack's lips when he returns Christian's look with an equally intense one.

"I was just making small talk, Christian. You know, being polite and stuff."

"Well, there are other people around this table. As a friend you should make an effort to get to know my new girlfriend." I notice how Christian emphasizes the word 'friend'. Something tells me that these two have a history together. The tension breaks when Leila chips in and starts asking Jack stuff about himself.

He answers her questions politely but I don't think he really is interested in talking to her. I find out that he is originally from Detroit and has moved to Seattle when his parents broke up. He was just nine years old back then and he had to move to Seattle with his mother. His father was still living in Detroit but since he was a teenager he hadn't heard a word from him. It didn't sound like he was hurt by his father's rejection.

Thanks to Leila I get to talk to the others. Kate is now sitting beside Elliott on his left – I don't know when she managed to carry her chair all the way to the other side of the table without me noticing – and is talking to him and Gia who is sitting on his right. It looks weird to see the two beautiful blonde women fight over his attention, his head keeps turning left and right whenever they say something. But Kate finally wins when she puts her hand on his thigh – her not so secret move to signalize that she is interested – and Elliott can't keep his eyes off of her.

Last Tuesday she has told me that she plans to seduce him and when I asked her if she only wanted to have sex with him, she just winked at me and told me that we would see where it would lead to. I loved Kate to the moon and back but I thought that it was time to settle down with a nice guy. Of course that didn't mean that she was a 'use and lose' kind of girl, she simply enjoyed unattached One Night Stands but in the end she was the one who whined whenever she got another wedding invitation of one of her friends. "I will probably die alone with twelve cats." she had said the last time she had one of her downs.

That was rather illogical though, she was allergic to cats. But from the looks of it, she definitely had succeeded to seduce Elliott. They were whispering to each other and by the way Kate was smirking, I was sure he was charming her pants off. Gia looked like she had tasted something bitter. I felt sorry for her.

After a few rounds of drinks, a little over 12am, Jack and Jason excuse themselves and wish us a good night before leaving. Jack surprises us when he gives each of us a hug, an overly friendly gesture. Gia joins them and leaves quietly, the lost battle has soured her mood. I catch Kate grinning like Cheshire cat when Gia is saying her goodbye's. Not long after that we also decide to call it a night and I soon find myself in the back of Christian's car with him and Leila in the front. He is staying over tonight. I don't know how they manage it but when we are driving through Seattle, they bring up the topic 'Mitch' and soon I am a witness to them arguing.

"What would you say if one of my exes calls me and wants to see me? Would you let me meet her?" Christian says with a pissed expression. Leila huffs and crosses her arms at her chest.

"I would trust you enough to meet her if the purpose of meeting her was to tell her what a bitch she had been and to make her see her mistakes!"

"Well, Mitch is clearly calling you to try to get you back! What if you notice that you still have feelings for him? Or what if he only wants to see you because he wants to hurt you again?" I am turned on by the way he raises his voice. I can't keep myself of staring at him. His mouth is pressed into a thin line.

"I have no feelings for him, idiot! If I had I wouldn't be with you, would I?" Leila groans, annoyed at him. "Listen, Christian, you know how we ended our relationship and what he did to me. I need to avenge myself, okay? He needs to understand that what he did was wrong and that he needs to change."

"Why do you care about him changing? Let the bastard do whatever he wants!"

"I don't want him to change for me, for fuck's sake! I just want to save the next girl who falls into his trap!"

"Why do you care what he does with the next girl?"

"You are so irrationally jealous that you don't even make sense anymore!" her voice is high and she sounds like she is going to cry out of anger. "Ana, does that make sense to you?"

Suddenly I feel like a deer in the headlights.

"I would rather not interfere." I mumble and hope that we are soon at our place. I want to run away to my room as soon as possible. Christian groans angrily and tells her to leave me alone and to defend herself without the help of someone. From there it really gets ugly and they start to fight.

He tells her that if she meets with Mitch he is going to meet one of his ex girlfriends just to tell her how much she hurt him. Leila points out that he is being childish and that he has no reason to be jealous of Mitch. When he stops the car in front of our building, I feel like they need to talk alone and excuse myself to go upstairs.

I change into my pj's as soon as I am upstairs and brush my teeth. I am dog tired but I plan to read a few pages before I go to sleep. I get my newest book and sit down on our couch beneath a blanket and start reading. Suddenly the door of our apartment opens and Christian and Leila step in quietly. He goes straight to the bathroom and as soon as he has closed the door behind him, Leila starts grinning enthusiastically and comes to sit down beside me. She practically throws my book away as she gets it from my hands, she hugs me tightly.

"I told him that I love him!" she whispers to me. "I told him that he doesn't have to be scared of my feelings for Mitch because he isn't the one I love."

I feel like a dementor is kissing me right now. I don't think I ever felt worse or that it is possible to feel worse than that.

"He started stuttering something about feeling honored and blushed. He didn't exactly tell me that he loves me too but I think he does." She sounds super convinced and I think she is right.

I was wrong. It is possible to feel worse. I am tongue-tied and I don't know what to say to her but thankfully I don't need to talk. She is in her element with love filled eyes and blushed cheeks.

"You know how reserved I am usually with the L-word. But this time I thought, to hell with it! I am feeling it, I might as well tell it! For the first time I was brave enough to say it first!"

"Congratulations." I mumble and try to smile at her. It's really difficult to smile when your inside is dying. She hugs me a last time before she rushes away to her bedroom, humming a happy tune while dancing.

I am dumbfounded, my mouth has fallen open and my eyes are widen with shock. She is in love with him already, I think to myself. It's been what? Two months since they are together? Isn't this too soon? But who am I to judge? I fell in love with him the very first second I saw him like the way I had read about so many times in my books. But unlike her I wasn't brave enough to declare my love. Hell, I wasn't even brave enough to talk to a guy.

This needed to change.

* * *

 **Finally! Ana comes to her senses!**

 **When will I upload again? Probably not before I upload Thrill because I have been neglecting that one.**

 **See you next time.**


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm back with a new chapter!**

 **Thank you for all your reviews. I will try to answer them as soon as I can.**

 **NOT BETA'ED because I haven't heard a word from my beta since last Monday! As soon as I hear from her I will upload the beta'ed version.**

* * *

 **This chapter is dedicated to all of you who believe in me and my story.**

* * *

 **9\. New memories**

Tout. Tout.

Nervously I gnaw on my pen while I press my cell phone against my ear.

This shouldn't be so difficult, I think to myself. I'm just calling a man who has made it clear that he is interested in me. The worst thing he could do was to reject me and honestly, I was the master of rejections. I never cried over someone who didn't want me.

Tout. Tout.

Why isn't he picking up already? I am super anxious and every 'tout' makes me cringe.

It had taken me two days until I decided that I was going to call Ben and ask him out. I needed to remember what it was like to be courted by a man. I needed to remember that I was an attractive woman who could make men swoon over her if I really really wanted to.

Tout. Tout.

It is Tuesday morning, he probably is at work like me. I don't even know what he works as. Maybe he is a pilot and he is flying over the Atlantic ocean right now and he can't pick up his phone because he needs to concentrate on doing his job -

"Hello?" Suddenly Ben is talking into his phone. I'm back in my office where the walls are painted in an ugly yellow color and my chair is squeaky. I have to clear my throat before I am able to talk.

"Hey, Ben. It's Anastasia." My mouth feels dry.

"Excuse me?" He sounds irritated. If he can't even remember me, I probably shouldn't even bother to ask him out. I squeeze my eyes tightly. The childish wish to hang up is immense but I take a deep breath and try to stay positive.

"Uh, Ana from Ernie's and Seatdown?" Please remember me! I hate awkwardness.

"Oh, Ana!" He practically squeals in delight. "Sorry, I didn't know your full name was Anastasia."

"Yeah, I usually don't go by it. It sounds too formal, I don't know." Why I am telling him this? I have a huge foot in my mouth. Silently I curse at myself.

"It's a pretty name for a pretty girl."

"Thank you. Ben is also a great name." What the hell is wrong with me? I fidget with my pen. Maybe this will help me concentrate on my words. "I didn't interrupt you, right? I'm sure you are working."

"You aren't interrupting anything. So, Ana, how have you been?"

"Great." Well, that's a lie. "And you? Still hanging out at Ernie's?"

"Yes. And I am still hoping that I will meet you there again."

I blush and with a last plea to god, I go for the overkill.

"Maybe we could meet again on Friday night? It doesn't have to be Ernie's. There are other great restaurants in Seattle after all." Yeah, Ana. Talk about restaurants like a guidebook.

"Oh." Ben sounds surprised. "Oh! That would be awesome!"

His enthusiasm is kinda cute.

"I'm so happy that you called, Ana." He goes on. "I can't wait to meet you again."

We hang up after we agree on him picking me up from my place at 7pm and going to one of his favorite restaurants, 'La mia casa'. He swears that they have the best pizza of Seattle. We will see if that's true. I take a deep breath and lean back in my chair. I can be brave, I think to myself. I just called a guy and asked him out. Why was I making a huge deal out of this again? Calling him had been easy. Of course spending a whole night with him would be a tad more difficult but I promised myself to be more confident and brave. I am a strong, independent woman. A strong, independent woman who needed to concentrate on working again. I dive into work. The book called 'Indecent behavior and its effects on your surrounding' needs editing.

"Knock, knock."

I look up from my computer screen where I have been staring at the last forty-five minutes and come face to face with Luke. He is standing by the door with two folders in his hands. His red and white checkered shirt really suits him.

"Hey, little Ana." I'm the youngest of our group. That's why Luke insists on calling me 'little'. I smile at him and invite him in. He takes a seat on one of the brown chairs in front of my desk and puts his feet on the other. "Whatcha' doing?"

"Working? Like I am supposed to do?" I look at him skeptically. His visit has to have a purpose. I glance at the clock on my desk. It's not lunch time yet so that can't be the reason for his sudden appearance.

"What was the first thing I taught you when you started to work here?" He smirks at the memory. "Don't do more than you are supposed to do."

"Really, Luke?"

"Yeah, sweetie. If you keep working hard, Robert might expect the same from me."

Luke has a love and hate relationship with Robert, our boss. Sometimes he praises the day he started to work for him because he is 'the most genius motherf-er on earth'. And sometimes he calls Robert names behind his back which I could never even think about. He thinks that Robert can be a fair, caring employer but in the same time he can be capitalistic and soul eating just for the profit he makes.

"What a crime." Sometimes I can be sarcastic. "But honestly what do you want?"

"Can't a guy visit his friend without being accused of wanting something?" He looks far more innocent than he actually is. I give him a long look and he rolls his eyes with a surrendering sigh. "Okay, you caught me. I am here to propose an exchange. These two super romantic love stories against a Sci-Fi trilogy I know you have. I also know that you hate Sci-Fi and you love hamburgers. I could buy you one at lunch." Luke gives me a pleading look.

"Fine." I say. To be honest I had cringed at the thought of editing something about aliens and their intergalactic wars. The possibility of editing two love stories is far more appealing.

"Nice." He cheers and hands me over the folders he is carrying. The assignment files are packed neatly into saran wraps with little notes of the authors within them. I open my drawer where I have put my big folder for 'Beyond the galaxy I, II, III' and hand it over to him. "You are the best, Ana."

"Thanks. You are not so bad yourself."

"I know." Luke smirks arrogantly. "And you aren't the only one who thinks that. Guess what happened this morning?"

"You mean apart from that you were late." We had been in a meeting when Luke rushed in thirty-six minutes late. He had excused himself to have overslept.

"Well ask me why I was late." I look at him skeptically. Where is he going with this?

"Fine. Why were you late?" I sigh petulantly.

"I met someone in the bus. A woman." He is giving me a full grin now. Oh dear. "Her name is Andrea. She was on her way to work while reading 'Space warriors'. You know, the book I edited last year which is also one of my favorites? We talked and got along pretty well. I missed my bus stop and that's why I was late. And tomorrow we are going to meet for coffee."

"Oh, wow. Luke, that sounds great." I'm honestly happy for my friend and I hope that this Andrea chick turns out to be decent. We don't need another Natalie. "What is she like?"

"No need to say that she is really pretty. She is funny, loves Star Wars and she doesn't seem to be crazy." His eyes zoom off. He is probably thinking about her. Oh boy. I had forgotten how Luke could be when he has a crush.

"Well, keep me updated. I want to hear everything about your date tomorrow." I smile at him and he thanks me before he gets up to leave.

"See you at lunch time. And thanks again for the trilogy." With a final wave he is gone and I'm left alone in my office. Back to work now, Ana.

* * *

"I really think you should wear the plum-colored dress. It would look amazing on you." Persistently Leila holds up the dress she thinks I should wear. I look at it skeptically. In my opinion it's far too sexy and business-like. I don't want to look like I'm having a meeting. I shake my head petulantly and she groans. Leila looks annoyed.

"You can't go in jeans!" I don't know why she keeps insisting on that. What's wrong with jeans? "Ana, I'm just trying to help you." Leila whines and throws the dress onto her bed. She turns around and starts rummaging in her wardrobe again. After she found out about my date with Ben – and I didn't tell her until an hour ago because I knew she would turn crazy and pester me with her enthusiasm – she declared herself as my make-up artist / hair stylist / fashion adviser and dragged me into her bedroom. Leila had started to pull out outfits from her own wardrobe – she even got a few items of my own – and muttered 'how are we going to get her ready in an hour?' under her breath. Before I told her about my date with Ben, she had been chilling with Christian on the couch. I had been wearing a cute peach colored top with long sleeves and light jeans paired with my black Converse and my black blazer. In my opinion I looked fine. But Leila thought it was a fashion crime to wear jeans on the first date.

"How about this one?" She holds up a white dress with long sleeves. "I might even let you wear that blazer of yours."

"What if I spill something on it?" The thought of ruining her dress was horrible. I could get clumsy when I was nervous. "Imagine what would happen if I spilled red wine on it!"

"Well, then try your best not to spill something!" She throws the dress toward me. "Try it on."

I curse myself while I get dressed. Why did I have to tell her about my date tonight? Couldn't I have said that I was going out with friends from work? I'm sure she would have believed me if I had told her that I was meeting Claire. I look to the mirror. The white dress does really look good but it is also short and I don't feel comfortable enough to move around in it.

"That looks good." She looks at me from head to toe. But then she shakes her head. "It's not really you." Thank god! I take it off and hand it over to her. It feels weird to be half-naked around her in nothing but my underwear – she made me wear that one set I had bought years ago after Paul cheated on me. It was skin-colored, frilly and totally uncomfortable. It looked hot though. I had bought in a moment of passive aggressive thoughts. Yeah, see what you are missing, Paul. Stinky bastard.

"Hand me over your top." Leila is holding a blue skater skirt of hers in her hands and she has a thoughtful expression on her face. I reach out to my peach colored top and give it to her. She holds it over the skirt and a pleased smile forms on her lips. "This is it!"

"Isn't it too cold for a skirt?" I raise an eyebrow doubtfully. I don't intend to freeze my lady parts just for the cause of looking good.

She rolls her eyes with a sigh. "You can wear tights if you really must. And I assume I can't persuade you to wear high heels, right?" I had told her that I was wearing Converse and nothing else. Deal breaker. "Okay, try these on. I will look for matching thighs in your room."

I slip into the skirt and the top. The skirts is thigh-high and it dances around me when I twirl. I really need to wear my tights under this. With a sigh I take a seat on Leila's bed and fidget with the hem of her bed sheets. I inspect the design of it. It's mint green with bubbles printed on it. I wonder when Leila has bought that one. I look around in her room. The past few weeks I haven't been in here that much because usually Christian was present. Leila has light yellow painted walls, wooden furniture and black and white tartan patterned rug. Her bed is facing her window on which's still she has put different kind of plants and flowers. She has a big wardrobe near the door and a desk where her laptop lays. Over it hangs a pinboard full of pictures and Polaroids she has taken of her friends. Leila never forgot to take her camera with her whenever we took a trip somewhere. She always takes pictures of us without us noticing. If we are lucky we will look decent.

"Can I come in?" I look up and see Christian standing at the door. He is leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed at his chest.

"Sure." I feel awkward inviting him to Leila's room. Technically it's his room too. I shift around on the bed to make room for him to sit. He walks up toward me and sits down beside me. I notice that he is wearing sweats and an old band T-shirt.

"Nervous?" He asks me with an attentive look. "I mean for your date."

I take a deep breath and nod. "Yeah." Nervous doesn't even come close to what I feel. I am fearing that I might have a mental breakdown. It's not because of Ben, he isn't the one who makes me nervous. Just the pure thought of going out again – or how Mia calls it: cannonballing into the dating world – makes me anxious and sweaty. Nothing more attractive than a sweaty, anxious woman, right?

"I know exactly how you feel." Christian says with his gray eyes zooming off to whatever he is remembering right now. "I felt the same way when I started dating again when Susannah broke up with me because of another douche."

"Susannah?" My interest is peaked. I don't remember having heard the name 'Susannah' out of his mouth.

"My ex." He explains with a frown. "My cheating ex." Oh. He has been cheated on? Why would someone cheat on him?

"Leila told me a bit about your past relationships, Ana." He goes on with a caring smile. "I can totally understand how you felt and how you feel now. After Susannah cheated on me and we broke up, I was heartbroken and I thought I would never be able to forget her and what she has done to me. Hell, I was dumb enough to believe that she was the one."

He shakes his head at his own stupidity. I can't look away from him. Why is he telling me this right now?

"But as you can see she clearly wasn't the one." Christian jokes with a half smile. "Otherwise I wouldn't be here." Is Leila the one for him? Don't go there, Ana.

"How did you forget her? And what she has done to you?" I ask curiously.

"It took me a while but I started going out again. I met new people and tried to gain new memories. I told myself over and over again that I needed to be brave because otherwise I would never get over it." Being brave sounded good. That's what I am trying to do. "What I wanted to say to you, Ana, be brave and be bold. Give this guy a chance even if he isn't the one. You can only forget about the past if you gain new memories."

I look down to my hands and think about what he has said. Gaining new memories to forget about the past. I like the sound of that.

"Thanks, Christian." The braveness I have promised myself makes me do something I never would have done before: I reach out to one of his hands in a friendly gesture. Deep down I want to hug him, not because I am lusting after him. I am truly thankful for his words. He looks at me, surprised at my sudden touch. But then he smiles at me and grasps my hand firmly. Nervously he scratches the side of his head after we let go.

"Anyway. I have four episodes of 'The Big Bang Theory' to watch. Have fun on your date, Ana." he excuses himself, leaving me to myself. I look up to the ceiling where Leila's lamp which looks like a plastic jellyfish is hanging. Taking deep breaths I count to ten, hoping that this will relax me. I wasn't this nervous on my first date. Joshua, my first boyfriend, had taken me to a rundown fast food restaurant because that was all he could afford and afterward we made out in the back of his car. I was 17 years old and I clearly didn't have high standards back then.

"Found your tights." Leila emerges with a pair of black, shiny tights in her hands. "And I decided that you shouldn't wear that blazer of yours. I think you have a nice black coat somewhere in your closet. I will look for it." I slip into the tights, feeling thankful because now I won't freeze my legs off. It's awfully cold for November. When I'm fully clothed and Leila has given me her commendation she starts working on my hair, trying to curl it with a curling iron. I suck at these kind of things and I really appreciate her help. As dominant as she can be when it comes to fashion and make-up, I also trust her decisions. After she has curled my brown mess of hair and clipped it on one side behind my ear, she tells me to apply just a little of lip gloss and mascara. "Make your eyes look huge." she says before she leaves me to myself again because she has to pee.

I do what I'm told and leave her bedroom afterward. Christian is sitting on our couch with his feet on the coffee table crossed at his ankles. He is eating popcorn our of a bowl and on the table stands a bottle of beer. I look to the watch around my wrist and notice that it's half an hour until 7. I don't know why Leila was panicking about getting me ready, she was overreacting as always. I join Christian on the couch and he briefly looks away from the TV to stare at me. I blush and squirm under his stare.

"You look great. Popcorn?" Is he calling me popcorn, I think for a second. The thought of an exclusive nickname shouldn't make my heart flutter like that. Perplexed I look at him. He is holding the bowl of popcorn toward me with a smile on his lips. Oh. He means popcorn as in food. Silly me. Shyly I grab a handful and start munching on it one at a time.

"Thanks." I say to him and turn my attention to the TV. Like he said he is watching TBBT.

We are awkwardly silent beside each other which is funny because since or book fair trip we – especially I – had managed to relax whenever we were together. But I assume that my awkwardness and my silence tonight has nothing to do with him. I'm just anxious because of my date with Ben and the opportunity to gain new memories. I liked the way Christian described it. Gaining new ones to forget the old ones. I think that should be my mantra from now on.

"Where is Ben taking you?" Christian asks me suddenly without looking away from the screen were Sheldon Cooper and his friends are having dinner in the living room while bantering about something. From the corner of my eye I glance at Christian and I see how he eats popcorn rather gracefully.

"La mia casa." I mumble. "An Italian restaurant."

"Oh. I heard about that place. People say they have great food."

"Ben said the pizza is great." I'm more the pasta kind of girl to be honest.

"Hmm." He nods, now distracted from TBBT.

My phone rings, announcing a new message. Maybe he is canceling, I am horrified at that thought. But thankfully, it's a new message from Mia in our group chat.

 **Mia:** Anastasia Rose Steele! I can't believe you didn't tell us about Ben! Shame on you!

She is as dramatic as always. Before I can type in an answer, Kate chips in.

 **Kate:** What did she do? Please tell me she called him!

 **Leila:** You bet you sweet ass she did!

Isn't she in the bathroom? Why has she her phone with her? Strange.

 **Mia:** She has a freaking date with him and she didn't tell us! Shame on her!

 **Kate:** OMG! You guys are my OTP! Well, after me and Elliott of course.

Kate and Elliott had left the bar together last Saturday. No need to say that they had spent the night with each other and Kate had described as earth shatteringly good.

 **Mia:** You can't be your own OTP.

 **Kate:** I can and I am, bitch.

 **Leila:** Guys, concentrate on Ben and Ana please. Or how I call them 'Benana'. Like banana. You get it? Lol.

For the love of god.

 **Ana:** Ha ha ha. You are so funny, Leila. Aren't you in the bathroom? Why are you texting us?

 **Mia:** You text us while you poop? Gross.

 **Leila:** I went to your room while it took you an eternity to apply mascara, bitch. Be thankful that I am searching something for you to wear.

 **Kate:** What are you wearing, Ana?

 **Ana:** Kate, are you trying to have phone sex with me? I'm not into girls.

 **Kate:** Oh honey, if I really wanted you I could easily seduce you ;)

I laugh loudly and shake my head at Kate's words. Christian looks at me questioningly and I just gesture toward my cell phone.

"The girls are pestering me." I explain to him and he nods.

 **Mia:** Seriously though. What are you wearing for your date? Leila please tell me, you helped her.

 **Ana:** Thanks, Mia. It's good to see how much you trust my decisions.

 **Mia:** The Ana I know would wear jeans to a date.

"Seriously? What's wrong with jeans?" I ask out loud, annoyed at my friends determination to end my long lasting relationship with jeans. I love them and honestly my ass looks great in them.

"Nothing wrong with jeans. Why are you asking?" Christian questions me confusedly. Oh dear. He must think that I am crazy for blurting out something like this.

"Uhh, the girls are kinda against the thought of wearing jeans on a date. That's why Leila has squeezed me into this thing." With two fingers I lift the hem of my skirt slightly. "They think jeans look too casual."

He snickers. "Well, let me tell you how men think. Men think that jeans make women's asses look great. And men really like great looking asses."

His gray eyes are full with amusement and he shakes his head at a thought before he takes a sip of his beer.

"Nice to hear that men think that way." I confess and look back to my cell phone again.

"Men also like skirts. They have their advantages." Christian mumbles under his breath. I flush deep crimson and bite my lip to suppress a laughter.

 **Leila:** Don't worry I made her wear one of my skirts, the blue one I got last summer, remember? And she got to wear a peach colored long sleeved top with black thighs underneath the skirt.

 **Mia:** Shoes?

 **Leila:** Converse. Black.

 **Kate:** No heels? Shame.

 **Leila:** Tell me about it 'eye roll'.

 **Ana:** Converse rock!

 **Mia:** Where is he taking you? Dinner?

 **Ana:** Yes. At 'La mia casa'.

 **Kate:** Nice. Have fun, baby. And we want all the deets when you're back!

 **Mia:** Leila, snap a picture of her outfit! Ana, have fun and good luck! It's Friday, 13th after all. Lol.

Lucky me. The first date on such a day. If I was as superstitious as Leila I might have freaked out. My best friend emerges from my room with my black coat in her hands. She places on our armchair.

"Get up, Ana. I need to snap a picture." She demands and I roll my eyes at her as I get up from my seat reluctantly. I pose for her while she holds up her cell phone to take a photo of me.

"Super." She exclaims before she sends it to our group. I don't even dare to look at their reactions to my outfit. Leila walks up to her boyfriend's side and sits down beside him. She gives a quick kiss before she steals the popcorn bowl from his hands. They chuckle and whisper something at each other. I look away, unsure what to do until Ben comes to pick me up. The best thing to do is to wait for him while watching TV, I think. I hope he is punctual. I sit down on the armchair this time and cross my legs so my skirt rises up a little. I need to be careful while I am outside. No need to give the rest of the world a peep show.

"Whoa. Slow down, baby. You might get drunk." Leila laughs suddenly and I look toward her. Christian is taking a huge sip of his beer before placing the bottle fiercely onto the coffee table. Leila bubbles about him getting drunk and falling asleep if he keeps up drinking so much beer tonight. Christian is usually the more relaxed beer drinker, he always says that he likes to enjoy and not rush. Suddenly I catch Christian looking at me out of the corner of his eye. It's quick and for a moment I think he wants to say something but he remains silent. I don't know what has happened to him, his sudden strange behavior intrigues me.

The doorbell rings and I look at my watch. Great. He is punctual.

"Time for your date, Ana." Leila squeals before she goes to let Ben in.

* * *

 **See you next time.**

 **Melii**

 **P.S.: I'm already working on a new story and I wonder if I should upload the first chapter just to see how people react to it. Would you guys be interested? You should know that I would upload the first chapter but the next upload would be after I finish Table Number 4 or Thrill. Please leave me an answer.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm back sooner than I imagined I would be.**

 **The date with Ben is up. Have fun!**

 **P.S.: My beta is ill so until she gets better you gonna have to read unbetaed chapters.**

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 **10\. Ben**

'La mia casa' is a small restaurant located the Pike Place Market. It's a three-story building with brown windows and a yellow door. The restaurant itself is in the first floor. A big window with Thanksgiving themed ornaments shows the inside of it where tables full of people can be seen.

Ben gets out of his car first after he has parked his car in parking lot nearby. Like a true gentleman he comes to my side of the car to open the door for me. I thank him with a smile before I take his hand. It felt weird when he first hold my hand after picking me up but now I kinda got used to it.

After Leila had buzzed him in, he had personally picked me up at our apartment door with a bunch of flowers in his hands and a genuine smile on his lips. His brown hair was styled neatly and his green eyes showed his excitement because of our date. His carefree, joyful aura had made our greeting less awkward, I hadn't freaked out when he hugged me. When you meet a person like Ben you don't mind him hugging you. He had handed me the flowers – a bouquet made of peonies – telling me that they weren't as beautiful as I but he still hoped I liked them. I had to admit that Ben seemed to be like the princes I read about in my books. We had wished Leila and Christian, whom I quickly had introduced to Ben, a good night before heading out. The car ride hadn't taken long so we only had made small talk until now. He had asked me about my day, the weather and my opinion on Italian food so far.

He leads me inside where a waiter greets us and asks for our reservation. Oddly this is the first time I get to hear Ben's surname. His full name is Ben Weber. It sounds solid like him. When we are seated at a red clothed table with white candles in jars, the waiter brings us the menus and leaves us to ourselves.

"So, Ana." Ben says mindlessly while checking up the items on the menu. He looks up and smiles at me. "I was really happy when you called."

"And I was really happy when you picked up." I answer him shyly, thinking that this counts as flirting – even if only a little, but it's still much for me though. I have to walk before I can run.

He laughs. He looks really attractive while doing so.

"If I had known it was you calling then I would have picked up sooner." Green eyes are looking at me intently and I blush under his stare. We are back to looking to our menus. But I can't resist, I peek over the edge of the brown leather-covered card in my hands. I watch how he intently reads the written words, in his mind maybe debating what to eat. He said that the pizza was good, maybe he will have one. I stare at him, putting the pieces of the puzzle that is Ben Weber together – well, at least I'm trying. He is handsome, sweet and a gentleman. Like me he looks a little shy.

Ben has chosen to wear a dark blue shirt which's sleeves he has rolled up to his elbows. His forearms look thewed. I bet he is playing some kind of sport. His face is cleanly shaven, no stubble is shadowing his jaw. He looks good. Really good. I'm thankful for Leila's help now. She always had been my fashion adviser because I sucked at these kind of things.

When Ben looks up, he probably has sensed my stalking stare, I quickly look down to the menu where I have opened the page with pasta dishes. I try to look fascinated by it like it is the best thing I have ever read. When I feel how my cheeks warm I try to hide behind my carte. Lucky for me, our waiter is back asking us what we would like to drink. Ben politely asks me if I want to join him having wine and if so which wine I would prefer. I tell him that I will have whatever he is having. He chooses a red wine for us.

"You know what you're having?" Ben asks me after he has closed his own menu and laid it in front of himself.

"The pasta primavera sounds good. You?"

"I think I will have a Pepperoni Pizza. It's really great." He says before the waiter comes to take our orders. While I listen to Ben tell the waiter what we want, my eyes wander around the restaurant. I watch the other customers in their secluded booths and tables, what they are having, if they are also on a date or just here as friends. Ben takes me back to real world.

"So, Ana. Tell me about yourself." He smiles at me, showing his clean white teeth.

"Well, I'm twenty-five years old. I work as an editor at Seattle Independent Publishing. And I was born and raised here in Seattle." I sound like an autobiography. Quick, be creative, Ana. "I live with my best friend but you know that already. I have a small group of friends for whom I care a lot."

"Leila seems nice." Ben comments with an interested look. "I have always wanted to live with my best friend. I bet it's awesome."

"It has its up and downs but she is easy to live with."

I tell him about the time at college when Leila and I met, how we decided to live together when Kate moved in with Ethan and Mia after graduation. He is honestly interested at what I am saying, he listens attentively. He tells me that he graduated from Seattle University and has been living alone since then. He is originally from Denver, his parents still live there.

Our waiter takes our orders after he has brought us our drinks. We find out that we both are very fond of red wine and he tells me about the first time he got to drink it. He had been 16, his parents had went to Bowling with friends leaving him at home to babysit his siblings – apparently he had 4 of them – and he had found his father's wine cabinet which he protected like an eyeball. He admits to have been curious about the taste of wine and he had chosen a random bottle and drank the whole thing. His body hadn't been used to alcohol so he got drunk rather easily. When his parents came back they found him hysterically laughing at a cactus and an empty, expensive bottle of wine.

"I was grounded for weeks!" He says while laughing. "My dad is still not over that bottle of wine. He says he had bought it for a special occasion."

I snicker at his story, honestly having fun with him.

When the waiter brings our meals, we talk about our favorite movies. He admits to be a fan of superhero movies and is shocked when I tell him that I rarely watch those.

"Well, the next Marvel movie we are gonna watch together." We both blush because he kinda declared that we will go out again. The thought is nice though. We dig into our food, it tastes really good.

He asks me about my parents, I tell him how they moved to Savannah and about mum's newest hobby.

"I'm more like my father." I confess while I cut broccoli into little pieces. "More indigenous, you know? My mum is a dreamer with her head above the clouds."

"You don't dream about something?"

"Well, not the way she does. Of course I dream about somethings, things that I want. But I also know what is possible and what's not."

"And if it's impossible you give up?"

"It doesn't make much sense to follow something that you can't have, right?" Like the boyfriend of you best friend. Don't go there, Ana. "Sometimes giving up is the best thing you can do."

"So you would rather be safe than happy?" Ben cocks an eyebrow. I am tongue-tied by his assessment. I never have thought about it like that. But it makes sense. It's very… me.

I nod before taking a bite of my food.

"You have an interesting way of thinking, Ana. I like it." He confesses, smiling at me.

Ben gives me a piece of his pizza, telling me that I have to try it because it's awesome and delicious. He is right, I tell him. "Next time I'm gonna have pizza too." I deliberately say those words, wanting to tell him discreetly that he will get another chance. He smiles like a little boy, obviously happy about it.

I ask him about his work, if he likes it and what he has majored in. He works as a personal trainer at the gym and he likes his job. I joke around telling him that I am the most nonathletic person on earth and he swears that if I would give him the chance he would prove me otherwise. I blush at his double innuendo but the thought that he likes to think about me sexually is touching. He plays basketball regularly with the kids from his neighborhood, training them for their school's team.

"I have always liked children." He confesses. "I think I want as many as possible."

I don't comment on that because I am freaked out at the thought of talking about kids at our first date. It's too soon for me.

He compliments me a lot, telling me that I really look great and how happy he is that I called him. It feels good to hear these words, I needed it. I sometimes tend to forget that I am a young, beautiful woman who deserves the best out of life because I always put others first.

"You want to share dessert with me?" Ben asks me politely when the waiter takes our empty plates.

"I don't have a sweet tooth to be honest." I confess with an apologetic smile. When I see that his face falls, he obviously had hoped that we have more time left together, I tell him that I would love to have coffee.

Soon we are sipping our warm drinks. I look toward the window and see that it has started raining.

"Do you like rain?" I ask him out of the blue.

"Yes. You?" He gives me a curious look, maybe wondering why I am asking.

"No. Not really." Whenever it rains I see a couple walking down the street under an umbrella whispering sweet nothings into each others ear. The memory of Christian's and Leila's walk comes to my mind, souring my mood. I squeeze my eyes for a second, trying to get rid of that thought. I'm on a date for god's sake.

"How is the weather in Denver?" I change the topic successfully because Ben starts babbling about the confusing weather of his home. Days are hot and the nights are cold, he tells me. I tell him about Savannah's weather, he asks me if I would rather live there because of the good weather.

"No, Savannah is far too hot." I shake my head at the thought of moving somewhere like that.

After we have finished our coffees, we get another cup while talking about the simplest things. It is refreshingly easy to talk to him.

Ben drives me home, once again opening doors for me. In the car he turns on the radio, asking me about my favorite songs and bands. He confesses to be a heavy metal type of guy unlike me. Opposites attract, I suppose. When he parks the car in front of my apartment building, he tells me that it is his duty as a gentleman to make sure that I make it home safely. I laugh at his words when he opens the car door for me, helping me out with a hand. Thankfully, it has stopped raining so he can walk me to the door easily.

"I had a lot of fun tonight, Ana." He confesses with his hands in his pockets and a shy expression on his beautiful face. "I hope we can do that again."

"I had fun too." It was the best night I had with a man in a long time. It was also the only night I had with a man in a long time to behonest. I blush deeply and bite my lip, I have always been bad in the end of the date part. It's awkward, you don't know what to do and you ask yourself if a kiss is appropriate or if it is too soon.

He steps closer to me, taking his hands out of his pockets. Slowly he takes both of my hands into his, pulling me toward him gently. Mybreathe stops, I look into his eyes. I see how he is debating if he should kiss me, he is searching for a clue in my eyes. 'Does she want me to kiss her' he is probably thinking. I have no idea if I want him to kiss me. I haven't thought about that before. Sure he is a handsome, witty man and I bet that he is a great kisser. It's been a long time since my last kiss, I think to myself. There is nothing wrong with a kiss. I need to be remembered how good it can feel. Taking a deep breath I close my eyes and step closer to him, feeling his breath against my face. I feel how he leans closer toward me and right before his lips touch mine, my breath stops again. It isn't an act of anticipation, the drum roll before the kiss, it's me freaking out at the thought of kissing somebody I don't love. I have never kissed someone I didn't love before. I have loved all of my boyfriends in my own way, even if it wasn't romantically. Ben was a stranger, I was just getting to know him. Maybe someday I could love him, he was perfect after all. He was everything I had been looking for. Polite, kind, witty, funny and a gentleman. I had read thousands of books about men like him, men who rescue their princess from a beast, a witch or their daily boring life. It would be easy to fall in love with Ben, to kiss him, to spend a life with him. It would be easy if there wasn't a little voice in my head that whispered a name. 'Christian' it said quietly. It sounded like a plea, a plea for him to be the person whose lips I kiss, to be the person who loves me.

I was pathetic.

I was in love.

Tears pooled in my eyes, firmly I press my lips into a thin line. The thought of kissing Ben scares me. I would feel like I am cheating. Cheating on who? Christian? The guy who loved my best friend? I was a disaster.

Suddenly I feel Ben's lips softly against my forehead.

"You aren't ready." He whispers and lets go of me. I look up perplexed at him, thankful that he stopped. I don't think I would have denied him a kiss, I would have tried to prove something to myself like the stubborn girl I was.

Ben's green eyes are soft, understanding. I'm in awe with him.

"Thanks." I whisper gratefully. He has saved me from making a mistake.

I think that kiss might have killed me.

"Who broke your heart, Ana?" Out of all questions he asks the one I don't have an answer for. My ex boyfriends may have hurt me, but I was over them even if their mistakes had left scars on my soul. I had trust issues and high standards thanks to them but Ben had reached all of my high standards within a night and I am sure that he is trustworthy. They didn't break my heart, they only made me weaker.

Is Christian the one who breaks my heart? How? He never had given me false hope, he was with my best friend for god's sake.

"You don't have to answer. I just want you to know that I will wait as long as it takes. Okay?"

I nod before he kisses chastely on my forehead again. We say good bye briefly, he once again tells me that he hopes to hear from me again. I think I might call him again. I had fun, he was easy to talk with. Except our disastrous kissing incident everything had been great. Ben deserves another chance. So do I. I need time, I can't just expect me to kiss someone whom I barely know.

Upstairs I find Christian sitting in our armchair with the TV on. Leila is absent, she probably went to bed already. I'm shocked to see him awake. I gasp when I notice him after I have slipped out of my coat and my shoes.

"Christian." I hiss. "You scared me."

He smiles apologetically and brushes over his hair with his hand. "Sorry. Didn't mean to."

I throw my purse to the floor near my bedroom door before taking a seat on our couch, needing to stretch my legs. I lean against the back of the couch and put my feet on the coffee table. I feel him watching me.

"How was your evening?" He asks me softly. I look up and see how he is watching me carefully.

"Good." I answer and nod to myself.

"Ben was nice to you?" His eyes harden a little, his mouth pressed into a thin line. "Do I need to break something of his?" It's cute how protective he is feeling. I assume Christian is the kind of guy who feels that way toward his friends.

I giggle quietly and shake my head. "No. Thanks for the offer though."

"Well, now that I have seen you I can go to sleep." He says and gets up from his seat.

"You waited for me?" I blush at the thought. "That's… nice of you."

He winks at me before he wishes me a good night and goes to Leila's bedroom, closing the door after himself.

The thought that he cared for me, that he waited for me to return from my date, is heartwarming. Even if he only cares for me as a friend, I feel lucky to have him in my life.

* * *

On Monday I meet Mia and Kate for lunch. They are all over me as soon as we are seated because since my date with Ben, I have been neglecting each of their messages asking me about my evening and my feelings for him. I also have successfully avoided Leila at home when she started questioning me on Saturday morning. Christian who sensed that I didn't want to talk had distracted her. Later he had written me a text message, asking me if something bad happened between me and Ben or if I simply didn't want to speak to the others about Ben. He had said that he only wanted to be certain that I was happy and safe, he didn't want to push me. I had promised him that I simply didn't feel like talking about Ben with the others but there wasn't anything I was hiding. He made me swear on Jane Austen that Ben hadn't hurt me.

"So you just won't tell us? Why?" Mia whined with her lips pursed.

"Because it's still new to me. I want to see myself how things evolve before I start telling everybody about it. Can't you just accept my answer that it was nice?"

Kate rolls her pretty blue eyes. "Nice could mean anything."

"Nice means it was nice. Simple."

"Ana, we don't want you to think that we are nosy. We only want your happiness and if this Ben guy makes you happy than we are happy for you." Mia says softly. "But for the love of god, tell us!" She sounds more fierce at the end.

"I'm thankful that guys feel like that and I promise as soon as I know more about my feelings for Ben I will pester you with them, okay?"

I had decided to keep my thoughts on Ben for myself, not wanting to rush anything. It was confusing enough without my friends interfering. I loved them to the moon and back but sometimes they were overly attached and yes, even a little bit nosy. But like Mia had said I knew that deep down they only wanted the best for me and my past made them feel obliged to help me. My shyness made them feel protective over me.

"Fine. Then let's talk about something else because Ana is being so coy." Mia bats her eyelashes at me and I blow her a kiss. "My birthday is on Friday, remember?"

"Like we could possibly forget about it. You constantly remind us." Kate says with cocked eyebrows which makes me laugh. Mia is super excited for her birthday like every year.

"Well, it's an important day, Kate. The mother of your future nieces and nephews was born." She sticks out her tongue at her soon-to-be sister-in-law. "You guys know the plan, don't you? At 8pm we gamble at our place where we will have dinner together. I have called a caterer, she is excellent. You guys have to try her Quiche. And after that a relaxing evening with music and games."

"Who did you invite apart from us?" I ask her.

"Everybody!" She exclaims gleefully. "A few guys from work, a couple of Ethan's friends, Elliott and Jack."

"Jack?" I chip in. "Since when is he a friend of yours?"

"Well, he was nice and I asked Elliott to bring him along."

"I'm betting that half of these people won't show up because they don't know you good enough to celebrate your birthday, Mia." Kate says with a shake of her head. "And even if they do, how on earth are we going to fit?"

"Let that be my problem. You concentrate on Elliott, okay?"

"How are things with Elliott, Kate?" Last thing I know is that they had sex.

"Well, I asked him out." Mindlessly she plays with her fork.

"What? When?" Mia exclaims fiercely with curiosity filled eyes.

"After Ana asked Ben out. I don't know, I just felt like it."

"And what did he say? Are you guys going out? Don't be so coy, Kate. That's Ana's specialty." Mia ignores my mean look.

"Yeah, we are having dinner on Wednesday."

"I'm happy for you, Kate." She deserves the best. "I'm sure it will be great." I try to assure her because I know how insecure she can feel when it comes to dating sometimes. She has no problem to go on a blind date with someone from work, but if it's someone she likes things get though for her. Kate can be shy in her own way.

"I really hope so, Ana."

* * *

 **Next time: Mia's birthday party, Jack, Ben and Christian? Be curious and patient ;)**

 **Melii**


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm on facebook now: link in my bio.**

 **Thanks, thanks, thanks!**

 **Thanks for your reviews 3**

 **I know this update comes late but I had my reasons. Really. I was ill and I was at my parents without my laptop by me. Long story short, I'm healthy and back to writing! Yay!**

 **THIS IS A MONSTER CHAPTER! IT'S SO FREAKING LONG I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE MYSELF THAT I WROTE THAT MUCH! I hope the length of this chapter will make you leave more reviews because I am greedy :D**

 **What are we reading today? Mia's birthday party with Ben, Jack and Christian? Poor Ana ;) .**

 **See you at the bottom.**

 **NOT BETA'ED because I didn't want you guys to wait any longer.**

 **DISCLAIMER: Not mine, not yours. Just for fun. And reviews. And I like to play with Christian. (man, that sounded dirty)**

* * *

 **11\. Happy Birthday, Mia!**

"Ready?" Leila sticks her head inside my bedroom door.

I look up from my laptop where I have been writing my mum an Email.

"Yeah."

She smiles at me and tells me that we are leaving in five minutes before she leaves.

After turning my laptop off I get up from my chair and grab my coat which has been laying on my bed before heading out of my room. In the living room I find Christian fumbling with his tie with an annoyed frown on his face. The door to our bathroom is open and I hear Leila fiddling around with her make-up products.

"Dammit!" Christian swears suddenly, staring at me desperately. "Help me." He gestures towards his loose tie and I laugh at the knots he has made. Christian is wearing a black suit and a white shirt – Mia has announced that her birthday party is a black tie event -, looking incredibly handsome. His tie is gray, complimenting his eyes.

"Let me." I say and step closer to him. Skillfully I tie his tie, ignoring the fact that I am so close to him. "There. This is how it has to look like."

He looks down to his neatly tied tie and grins like a little boy. "Thanks, Ana."

"No problem." I say quietly before I step away. Leila emerges out of the bathroom with her make-up now applied. She twirls around in her shiny silver dress and her ponytail swept hair.

"How do I look?" She blows us a kiss. Her dress is knee-length and sequined in a silver tone. She has paired it with purple platformed heels and pink lipstick. Around her wrists she has strapped blue and purple shiny bracelets. Christian whistles reverently.

"Magnificent." He whispers and walks up to her. In a swift move he tugs her to his side so he can kiss her. I look away, the moment is far too intimate. Feeling awkward I look down at my feet and my black pumps. I'm wearing a forest green dress with a tight waist, elbow length sleeves and a v neck. My hair is combed away from my face and teased. Very unusual for me I have also applied winged eyeliner and a darker shade of lipstick. Leila has advised me that it would more dramatic this way.

"Oh! My camera! We have to snap pictures tonight." Leila scoots away to her bedroom. A second later she is back with her newest camera – a Christmas present from last year. She makes Christian and me pose while taking pictures of the two of us first. Christian puts his hand on the small of my back like the gentleman he is while I try not to squirm under his touch. Then Leila adjusts her camera so it takes a picture of all of us before she asks me to take pictures of her and Christian. I can't stop myself to think how attractive both are as I snap picture after picture of their various poses – Leila can be creative. The last pose I get is her kissing his cheek with pursed lips, leaving a pink stain of lipstick on his face. Christian mocks shock with 'o' shaped lips and widen gray eyes, looking incredibly handsome.

After our little photo shooting we hurry outside with our presents for Mia in our hands. I have found a funny and chic kitchen apron with 'will cook for shoes' written on it – in my humble opinion it fits Mia perfectly because it combines her two most favorite things: shoes and cooking – and a new set of pens she likes to use while she is at work. She swears that they are made to give good grades. Leila and Christian have bought her a new toiletry bag full of her favorite make-up utensils by brands that I can't even pronounce. And from Kate, Leila and me she gets a surprise Spa day before her wedding so she can get pampered for it. Tonight is also the night were Ethan will tell her about his plans of their honeymoon on Ibiza. Until now he has kept her in the dark which has driven Mia crazy because usually she likes to know about everything. She has pestered him in the last few months that she will never be able to get ready properly for their honeymoon if she doesn't know where they are going. But Ethan had mastered the art of keeping secrets so she had no chance to find out from him. Then she tried to get the answers from us because she knew that he had told us but we had swore on everything that we love that we wouldn't tell and even if Leila had made the mistake to get caught talking about the two layovers they had on their flight, we had managed to keep the great Ibiza secret to us.

Christian's car is parked outside near the local supermarket. Like the true gentleman he is, he opens the doors for Leila and me and afterward he walks around the car to the driver seat. As he drives off, Leila reapplies her lipstick with the help of the rear-view mirror, throwing me a kiss afterward. I giggle at her. We chat a little about our days of work. Leila tells us about her boss's new determination to make her stay longer because apparently every single picture frame needs to be changed and someone – in this case it's Leila – has to look up when and from where the current frames were bought. Unfortunately the frames are as old as the museum itself so it takes Leila an eternity to find and decipher the bills. While Christian is talking about his newest colleague – a cool guy named Josh -, my phone rings.

 **I'm on my way.**

 **Ben**

After our date he and I had been messaging each other all week long. Everyday I would wake up to a 'good morning' message from him and every night the last words I would read were his 'good night' texts. I didn't hesitate to invite him to Mia's birthday party two days after our date. I wanted to see him again, I wanted to give him a chance. Our disastrous kissing incident left a bitter taste in my mouth, I wanted to remedy it. He deserved it. And I sure as hell deserved it too. I had the feeling that Ben would be the kind of guy you wanted to introduce to your parents, who would buy you flowers and take care of you whenever you felt sad. He was the perfect boyfriend. But I don't thing that he was perfect for me. Even though I knew that I was giving him false hope – and I really don't want to sound pessimistic – by inviting him on a second date I wanted to see where things might go. I was being selfish and I knew it. But I had been selfless long enough and I never had confirmed to him that we were going to end up married, with 2.5 children and a dog named 'Buddy'.

"Who are you texting with, Ana?" Leila's curious eyes look at me from the rear-view mirror as I type in an answer to Ben, telling him that we will be at Mia's in ten minutes. I look up from my phone and answer my best friend.

"Ben. He is coming to Mia's party." I may have not told my friends that I did invite Ben. I only had asked Ethan in silence if that would be okay because he is the fiancee of the hostess. He said it wouldn't be a problem and he would gladly keep the piece of information for himself if it pleased me. I was super thankful. Ethan knew best how impudent Mia could get.

"Oh. You have invited him?" Leila says in a weird tone. It sounds like she is trying to suppress her eagerness. I look at her questioningly. It's not typical for her to be this calm about something like this.

"Yes. I thought it would fun. What's with your face?" I ask when I see how she grimaces. I squeeze my eyes to get a clear view of her eyes. She looks anywhere but me from the rear-view mirror.

"Nothing. I'm just happy for you." She bites her lips in order to prevent grinning.

"What's up with her?" I ask Christian and he gives me a quick glance from the mirror before he looks back to the street.

"She is suspiciously calm. That's not normal for her." I explain to him. Leila sighs and shakes her head.

"I'm just doing what I am told to do." She mumbles under her breath before she looks out of the window of her door.

"What?" Now I am confused and curious. My phone rings again but I ignore it. My eyes wander back and forth between my best friend and her boyfriend who don't say anything.

"Leila." I hiss now because I have the feeling this is something I should know. She sighs again and looks quickly at Christian before she turns her head to look at me. My brows are furrowed and I think I look angrier than I actually am.

"It's just Christian pointed out that we as in Kate, Mia and me may or may have not pestered you with our eagerness. You know, about Ben." She explains to me with a sorry smile on her pink lips. "We didn't want to push you or make you feel uncomfortable, Ana. We were just happy that you go out again and Ben seems really nice. I was happy that you were giving him a chance."

Christian talked to them because he feared they were pushing me? I glance at the back of his head and notice how his ears redden. My cheeks do the same.

"Uh, thanks, Leila." I mumble under my breath because I don't know how to respond otherwise. Yes, my friends have been overly attentive and yes, I have been annoyed at some point. But I knew that their intentions were pure and they only wished for me to be happy. I had been pushing every guy away since the Paul incident a few years ago and thanks to my cheating exes I had got trust issues and ridiculously high standards. I shied away from every potential dating experience which lead to a few lonely nights.

"Thanks, Christian." I add quietly and earn a smile from him via the rear-view mirror.

* * *

"Happy birthday!" We say in unison when Mia and Ethan greet us at the door to their apartment. She is sporting a huge, all teeth showing grin. The birthday girl is dressed in a white, lacy dress with a tutu like skirt and a decollete on her back. Her black bob is neatly combed and on her head she is wearing a black tiara. Her shoes and accessories are also black. Ethan has matched her dress by wearing dark pants, a white shirt and a white jacket. Around his collar he has tied a black bow tie – I assume that was Mia's idea because Ethan doesn't even like normal ties. His green eyes are sparkling with joy when he greets us with a hug. We scoot in and give our neatly packed presents to Ethan because he was appointed to have the proud duty to receive the presents and take care of them.

"We will open them later when everybody is here." Mia says and leads us inside after we have stepped out of our coats.

I have always liked their apartment. Mia, Ethan and Kate live in Seattle's heart in a luxury apartment which they got from Mr. Kavanaugh as a graduation present. They have three bedrooms, each one has its own bathroom, a guest bathroom, a big modern kitchen, a living and dinning room with antique and modern furniture. The building has its own gym and garage. It's located near Escala – a super fancy apartment building where nearly all of Seattle's celebs live – and Ethan always talks about Mr. Trevelyan, the CEO of Trevelyan Enterprises, who lives close by.

When you walk in you are greeted by a secluded entrance area with an emerald green wallpaper and brown wooden furniture. Mia has placed a big wardrobe and mirror right next to the door so she can always check up on her outfit before she leaves. It's not necessary to say that the wardrobe only contains her and Kate shoes – poor Ethan has got only one drawer but he swears that's more than enough for him. A small hallway leads to the living and dinning area where the walls are painted azure blue and the furniture is mostly black and white. The wooden dining table is placed above a pedestal and it has fourteen chairs around it. Somebody – probably Kate because she is the master of table setting – has set the table neatly with silver plates and blue glasses. In the middle of it stands an antique vase with white roses in it. Mia's wish to have a dramatic Victorian chandelier had come true when her mother-in-law had found one in an antiques shop. It now hangs over the table, its blue crystals glistening and causing pretty shadows on the walls in the shape of its ornaments. I especially like the black and white flowered pattern of the chairs. They are comfy and fabulous. A well-stocked bar stands against the wall near the dining table where someone has set drinks ready.

On the right of the dining table there is the living room area where they have two big cream colored couches with cushions that show gray pictures of forests and skyscrapers. A high-tech TV unit faces the couches with two bookshelves beside it where Mia's cook books, Kate's ancient issues of famous articles and Ethan's books about history and politics are placed. A small table stands beside the TV where Ethan places our presents – he declares that this is the present table and it shall be protected like an own eyeball. A Persian carpet lays under the coffee table, it feels great on naked feet.

A hallway leads to the kitchen, the bedrooms and a guest bathroom. They also have a balcony which leads to the roof with the help of stairs where you have a great view of Seattle. In the summer we enjoy the time up there when Kate, Mia and Ethan throw their annual BBQ party. It's one of Leila's most favorite spots up there.

"You guys want a drink?" Ethan asks us while we greet four of Mia's colleague which are seated on the couches. We have met some of them already and we quickly introduce us to the two new ones. Susan, Johnny, Max and Caroline greet us wholeheartedly and engages us in small talk. They are fun to be around with. Max has a special dirty humor, it's really refreshing even if it makes me blush and squirm. She doesn't mince matters. Her best friend, Caroline, is the total opposite of her. They remind me of Leila and me.

Ethan hands us our drinks – the three of us wanted red wine – and I ask him where Kate is. He tells me that Kate is helping Mia in the kitchen.

"I will check up on them." I say and stand up with my glass of red wine in my hand. Leila and Christian stay with the rest while I walk up to the kitchen from where the voices of Mia and Kate can be heard. I find them preheating the food Mia has ordered from a caterer – she had wanted to cook herself but then changed her mind because her outfit had priority – while talking about Mia's dress.

"I got it from this chic boutique at the mall." Mia says with a happy smile as she brushes over her skirt with her hands. "The moment I saw it I fell in love."

"As did I." I surprise them with my appearance.

"Hey, Ana." Kate greets me with two kisses on my cheeks while she tries to place cheese stylishly on a wooden plate. "You look great." She nods to my dress and I thank her with a playful bow.

"Takes one to know one, Kate." Her blonde hair is curled around her head, making her look like an angel with blue eyes. But her dress is devilishly sexy. It has the color of the devil – shameless red – and is hugging her body tightly all in the right places. Her boobs look awesome and I'm sure a certain Mr. Grey will cum in his pants when he sees her like this.

"You know me, darling. I always look great." She purses her lips in a funny duck face making us laugh.

"Can I help you guys?" I ask Mia but she gratefully shakes her head.

"No, everything is ready. We will serve the food when everybody is here. Luke, Elliott and Jack still have to come." She explains to me right when the kitchen clock rings. Mia turns off the oven where what seems to be chicken wings and gigots with shallots and garlic were warming over. She opens the oven's door to check up on them. I notice the bowls full of various salads, pasta and different appetizers on the kitchen island. If I was a character in a comic book my hearts would get the shape of hearts at the look of the bacon wrapped smokies. Mia knows what I like.

"They are good to go." Mia says pleased. "Where are these guys? Hasn't Elliott told you something?"

Kate just shrugs and I notice how she frowns for a second before she has control over her expression again. "We haven't talked today actually."

Then I remember something.

"Oh. Mia, I have invited Ben. He should be here soon." I declare with a blush. Like I imagined Mia lets out a surprised squeal. She is so predictable. Ben had written me another text while I was talking to Leila and Christian in the car. He had written that he couldn't wait to see me. I wish his words made the butterflies in my stomach fly.

"Really, Ana? Oh my god!" She hugs me tightly, taking me by surprise. She seems to be genuinely happy rather than excited. "That makes me so happy, Ana."

I look confusedly at her. This is not the reaction I had predicted. She guesses my look rightly and purses her dark red colored lips. Gently she puts her hands on my shoulders, squeezing them softly.

"I know that sometimes I can react… strangely. And I know that I can be intimidating but I want you to know that you giving Ben a chance, going out again, is the best present you could get me, Ana. And if I ever gave you the feeling that I am trying to push you into something you don't want, then I am really sorry about that. I just want you to be happy." Her eyes are soft and I really realize that even though Mia sometimes seems to be self-centered or too energetic, she has nothing but good intentions when it comes to her friends. I know that her pushing me into social situations had the purpose of getting me out of my shell. But while Mia explains her intentions to me, I can't stop wondering why she felt the need to be this sensitive – not that she wasn't sensitive usually but today it's especially suspicious because she is the second person who is apologizing to me today because of their recent behavior. Leila had also apologized to me in the car. She also had told me that she only wanted my best and she felt sorry if she ever pushed me into something I don't want to. And then comes another thought: Christian had been the one who pointed out to Leila that they may made me uncomfortable. Had he been talking to Kate and Mia too? I mean, Leila was his girlfriend. It was perfectly normal for him to tell her if she did a mistake. But Kate and Mia? I didn't know how to feel about this.

"You know how I feel about being pushed, Mia. I'm a weirdo. I need my space and my time because I'm stubborn. But thanks for being a good friend, for caring." I hug her back tightly, the sweet scent of her perfume fills my nostrils.

"Okay, enough serious talk, ladies." Kate exclaims and claps her hands. "Mia, you go check on your other guests while Ana and I load the dishwasher." She points toward the dirty plates from the caterer. Mia who lets go off me throws us a kiss before she scoots back to the living room. I help Kate with the dishes.

"Ana, can you take the gigots and chicken wings out of the oven? We need to warm over the mini Quiches. They are in the fridge." Kate nods toward the fridge while she puts plates into the dishwasher. I quickly do what I am told.

"Hey, Kate? How are things with Elliott?" I ask her when I remember that she told us they didn't talk today at all. I'm not trying to think of the worst but I'm still curious.

I hear her sigh, my back is turned toward her so I can't see her. "It's complicated, Ana."

They had been on a date last Wednesday but I hadn't been able to talk to Kate since then. We also didn't talk about it in our chat group because all of us had been busy. Kate had only stated that their date had been good but that didn't mean they had a future.

"How so?"

"Well, at first it was weird. We barely talked and I was contemplating leaving early. And it was super confusing because I had great sex with this guy, Ana. Great, great sex. Sex so good it was out of this world." She sounds out of breath.

"Kate." I warn her. I really don't want to hear the details of her night with Elliott.

"Ups. Sorry, Ana. But it made me wonder if we are just made to have sex and not talk. Like fuck buddies." I turn around with the hot baking sheet of yummy food in my hands – I am wearing oven cloths – and place it on the kitchen island before I cover it with a corresponding lid. Then I put the new sheet with the mini Quiches in the oven. Kate closes the dishwasher and washes her hands in the sink before she turns around to face me with a pout on her lips.

"And I got really sad because before this whole dating fiasco we were easy going and I had no problem to talk to him. Why do I have to weird out when things get serious?" She whines and covers her face with her hands. Her head is bowed down.

"Kate." I say softly when I walk up to her to stroke her back. "Doesn't weir-ding out and getting nervous mean that you take this thing with Elliott serious? I mean, remember your dates with others. Like Nate. Were you this nervous or 'weird' when you went out with him?"

She sighs with a shake of her head. "No, I was bored like you are whenever we watch a Marvel movie."

"Exactly." I try to sound cheery. "How was the rest of your night?"

Kate takes her hands away from her face so I can see the doubt in her pretty blue eyes. "It was awkward. We barely talked and if we did it was terribly boring small talk. Ugh, Ana. I don't know what to do when he gets here."

"Well, I know your dress is going to take his breath away." Pathetically I try to joke but unfortunately I don't succeed. Kate groans.

"He will probably think I am offering sex! I look like a whore! Maybe I should change?"

Oh dear.

"Are you crazy?" I exclaim fiercely and furrow my brows at her. "You look anything but like a whore! You are Kate Kavanaugh. You are the definition of beauty! And if Elliott assumes that you are offering sex just because of your dress then he sure doesn't deserve you!"

"But.."

I interrupt her. "No buts! And don't turn gray because of the awkward talking thing! Maybe you guys just need time and you need to talk about it. You have to find out what Elliott thinks about your date. This is your mission tonight, okay?"

Kate suddenly hugs me. "Thanks, Ana. You're a great friend."

I gently pat her back. "Now get out, Katherine Kavanaugh. Talk to that man."

"Yes, ma'am." She giggles into my ear, her breath tickles me. I let her go, pointing to the door with my finger with a playful dominant look on my face. Just before she leaves she turns around with an apologetic expression.

"Hey, Ana?" Kate says quietly.

"Yeah?" I look at her questioningly.

"I won't interfere into your relationship with Ben and I won't let the others interfere. I know you are smart enough to handle it yourself. We just wanted to help because… you know."

She is referring to my shyness and my determination to send every guy away.

I nod. "Thanks, Kate."

I check up on the mini Quiches – they smell delicious – and turn off the oven because they have been in there long enough. Uncertain if I should let them in there because there is barely room for the sheet on the kitchen island, my eyes wander around the kitchen to find another place for them. Kate, Mia and Ethan have a large kitchen. It has a U-shape and in the middle stands a kitchen island with the oven and stove. Mia has lots of kitchen utensils placed on the counter – she even has one of these freaking mixers who can knead dough – paired with fancy decor. The counters and cabinets are made of light blue colored wood with white rims. I decide to let the Quiches in the oven and leave the kitchen just when the door bell rings. I'm the closest to the door when I enter the living room and I tell Ethan who stood up to buzz the new guests on that I will get it. The others are enjoying drinks and making small talk.

When I open the door I'm faced with Ben's green eyes and his smile. Instinctively I smile back at him.

"Hi, Ana."

He is holding a bunch of flowers in pretty colors like pale pink and white and a bottle of champagne. Ben is wearing green shirt – it's the same shade as my dress – and a black jacket with black pants. He looks rather handsome.

"Hi, Ben." I greet him and gesture for him to come in.

"Where is the birthday girl? These are for her." He says and nods toward the flowers in his hands. I close the door and ask him if he wants me to hang his jacket. He declines politely.

"She is inside." I look at my feet, not sure of how I should greet him. I don't feel like kissing his cheek but I think a hug is appropriate. We hug quickly, a rather difficult task with the things he is holding in his hands but we manage.

"You look great, Ana." He mumbles into my ear. I blush deeply and thank him.

"We are wearing the same color." I point out when we are walking to the living room.

Ben laughs wholeheartedly. "Seems like we are soul mates."

My mood sours at the thought. Not that I don't think that Ben is great boyfriend / soul mate material. But I don't think he is great boyfriend / soul mate material for me. I furrow my brows. How can somebody know that he has met his soul mate? Does it happen like in the books I read? Like you take one look into their eyes and the world stops spinning? You get breathless just because you saw them? Or can someone meet his soul mate without knowing it at first? If that's the case, is it possible that Ben is my soul mate?

"Happy birthday." Ben wishes Mia and hands her over the flowers and the champagne. "I hope you like flowers."

"Thanks, Ben. I love them." She smiles at him before she hands them over to Leila so she can put them into a vase and the champagne in the fridge.

"This is my husband, Ethan." She introduces the two handsome men to each other. They politely shake hands. Mia's colleagues welcome him and I quickly introduce them. Ben and I take a seat beside Christian.

"Hey, man." They do the manly handshake thing guys do. I remember how Christian greeted the bartender at Seatdown when I first met him. It doesn't feel like two months have passed since then.

"What can I get you?" Mia asks Ben. "We have beer, red and white wine, and other stuff."

"Red wine, please. Whatever you have." He answers her politely and she scoots to the bar to get his drink. Leila returns from her mission to put the flowers into the vases and sits down beside her boyfriend.

"It's nice to see you again, Ben." She is all over him with a grin on her beautiful face. Christian wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her closer to himself. I notice how his fingers play with her ponytail. He barely looks at me or Ben, his eyes are on his girlfriend with a loving look. I wonder if he loves her. He hasn't said it to her yet but I sometimes notice his intense stare at her and I think only someone who is in love can look that way. I wonder if Leila is his soul mate. Is he my soul mate? I think the first moment I saw him is soul mate material. Since the very first moment I had laid eyes on him I had been thinking about him, my stomach fluttered and my heart pounded. Did I love him? I frown at the thought. Now is not the time to think about that. Actually it's never the right time to think about that. I can't dream about him because he is the boyfriend of my best friend. He is taboo. He is a dream I can't dream about. "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live". It's a favorite quote of mine from Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts in the Harry Potter books. I think a quote has never been more fitting.

"Your drink, Ben. Ana, where is yours?" Ethan's voice takes me back to reality as he hands Ben his wine.

"Uh, I think I forgot it in the kitchen." I make a move to get up but Ethan says he will get me a new one. I thank him.

"So you are a personal trainer? At which gym?" Leila asks Ben with a curious look.

"It's called 'So fit'. You know it?"

"Oh, the one with the Spa?"

"Yes, we have a Spa. If you girls are interested I could help you get a discount if you should ever decide to visit me at work." Ben looks at me with blushed cheeks. It's obvious that he wants me to visit him at work.

"I'm sure we can arrange that." I say with a flirtatious smile. At least I hope it's flirtatious.

"I would be happy. Maybe you could come to see my boys play next week. You know, the basketball team?" He asks me shyly.

"I would love to." I nod. From the corner of my eye I see how Mia's colleagues are making small talk with Ethan, Mia and Kate. Kate, Max and Johnny are standing by the bar where Johnny seems to be joking around, making the two girls laugh. Mia and Ethan have engaged Caroline into a conversation about the recent events at school.

"You play basketball?" Christian asks Ben curiously.

"Yeah, I play and I coach a team."

"I used to play basketball at college." And soon Ben and Christian are talking about basketball and Ben's work at the gym, leaving Leila and me speechless. I'm speechless because I wouldn't have guessed that Ben and Christian would get along. But I should have known because both of them are friendly guys. And I think Leila is speechless because she probably didn't know that Christian used to play basketball. She winks at me and I grin back at her.

"In my last year I injured my leg so my basketball career ended unfortunately." Christian tells Ben with a frown. I think he enjoyed basketball a lot. I can't stop wondering how he looks playing basketball. Damn. Stop thinking about that, Ana.

"That's tough, man. But you could still play for fun. You know, we are searching a new member for my team with my friends. If you want to you could give it a try." Ben suggests after he takes a sip of his wine. Meanwhile Ethan has brought me a new one and Luke has arrived. He greets us all with a loud 'Hello' before going straight to the bar because he claims that he needs a drink as soon as possible. We had a rough day at work today. Robert has been cracking the whip all day because of this brand new young author whose books he wanted to publish. Our boss claimed that the books of 'Alex Carter' were going to be the next Harry Potter. I doubted that.

"What are you doing at Thanksgiving, Ben? Visiting your parents?" I ask him when Mia mentions their plans for Thanksgiving. The Kavanaugh's are going to visit their grandparents at San Francisco. Grandma Kavanaugh made a huge scene a few months ago on the phone because she missed her grandchildren and they barely visited them. She used the guilt trip to get what she wanted. Classic grandma Kavanaugh.

"No, I won't go to Denver. I'm already planing to visit them at Christmas so I will spend Thanksgiving here with my cousin. She and her husband live in Seattle." He answers me. "What are your plans?"

That was an interesting story. Two days ago Christian had announced that his parents had invited him and Leila to have Thanksgiving at their place. Leila who had yet to meet the Grey's had freaked out at the thought because she was intimidated by their wealth. Since she had heard that Christian's parents lived in Bellevue – which was famous for its wealthy inhabitants – she had feared the day she would get to met them. Christian had told her over and over again that his parents were laid back people, she didn't need to be intimidated. Even I had tried to convince her that Grace, his mother, was nice and friendly because I already had met her on my book fair trip with Christian. Leila who couldn't imagine getting out of there alive and without embarrassing herself had asked me if I could accompany them because she needed my support. Originally I had planned to have Thanksgiving at Luke's parents at Portland because I wasn't planning to visit my own parents at Savannah – my mum had tried to use the grandma Kavanaugh guilt trip on me but like Ben I had promised her to visit them at Christmas so no chances there – but when Leila begged me and Christian assured me that his parents would be happy if I accompanied them – apparently his mother liked me – I had accepted the offer. Now Christian, Leila and me were going to have Thanksgiving dinner next Thursday at his parents' place.

"We are going to Christian's parents." I explain to him simply. I don't think he needs to know the long version. Leila mouths me a 'thank you', referring to my support at next Thursday. I smile at her.

"An Audi R8? The CEO of the company I work for has one." Christian and Ben have started to talk about cars and when Ben tells him that his dream car is an Audi R8, Christian tells him about his boss's boss's boss's boss's car.

"Really? Oh my god! I would die to see it live!" Ben cheers with cheeks reddening from excitement.

"I see it every time I go to the garage. I try to park far away from it just in case. I don't think I would survive if I scratched it accidentally." Christian jokes. "Have you heard of the R9? It's going to be released next year."

"Yes! I heard they are going to feature it in the motor show on January."

"In Seattle?" Christian's eyes widen.

"Yes!"

"Oh boy. Ana, I think we should run away. I don't think I can't listen to car talk any longer." Leila whines playfully making me laugh.

"Sorry, ladies." Ben apologizes with a cute smile and brushes over the side of his head with his hand. "Got carried away."

"Leila just doesn't understand the greatness of some cars." Christian says playfully and she rolls her eyes at him.

"If cars are so great maybe you should sleep in yours tonight." I think she is joking.

"Throwing me out already?" Her boyfriend grins at her.

"You guys live together? I thought, Leila and Ana lived together." Ben asks dazedly.

"Yes, we do. But Christian is staying at our place so often that I should make him pay rent." I joke with a smirk which Christian returns. I enjoy it when we joke around. That's our thing. The only thing Christian and I can have.

"I can pay rent in form of books, Ana. Each month I could buy you five books. Would that be okay, Ms. Steele?" He winks at me.

"Only five?" I mock with an offended expression. "At least ten."

"Hey! He is my boyfriend. Why is he paying rent at you? I live at that place too." Leila exclaims fiercely and crosses her arms at her chest.

"Because I pay you in another way, remember?" Christian whispers, the double innuendo in his words making me blush. I frown at the thought of them having sex. Not that I didn't know already that they were having sex but every time I think about it, I feel like someone is stabbing my back with twenty knives. Even if I can't dream about him, the reality in front of my eyes still hurts. I remember the first time I have been a witness to them having sex. I had heard them one night when I couldn't sleep and I cried harder than I ever had before. The next morning I had to have breakfast with them and it had been the most difficult thing to do. I had felt like going back to my room and into my bed like a little girl. Thanks to my surprisingly good acting talent they had been unobvious to my thoughts and feelings.

I feel like suffocating again and the need to run away surfaces. I need to take a breath and have a moment to myself.

"Excuse me." I mumble and get up to go to the bathroom. I place my glass on the coffee table and leave quickly. The ring of the bell interrupts my great escape.

"Ana, will you get it?" Mia asks me from the bar where she is standing with Luke and Max. I notice how Kate practically runs away to the kitchen. I quickly wonder why but then I remember that Elliott and Jack are the only missing guests. Oh dear.

"Yes, no problem." I answer her and go to buzz them in.

Elliott and Jack stand before me when I open the door.

"Hey, Ana." Elliott grins at me and hugs me. "Nice to see you again."

"You too, Elliott."

I'm surprised when Jack hugs me too. In fact he even presses a kiss on my cheek. Weird. I don't know why every one else likes him so much. I find him creepily nice.

"Ana, you look enchanting." He purrs with a flirtatious smile. His eyes wander from my head to my toes. I feel the pressing need to hide behind something. I couch slightly and get away from him.

"The others are inside." I point toward the living room area. "If you will excuse me."

Staying away from Jack will be my main mission tonight.

"Hey, Ana?" Elliott stops me with his curious voice. "Is Kate here?"

I notice the hope in his eyes. Maybe Mr. Grey does like her more than she thinks.

"Yeah, she is here." I smile at him knowingly and he winks at me.

On my way to the bathroom I stop by at the kitchen where I find Kate sitting on the kitchen counter with a worried look on her face.

"Jack and Elliott have arrived, haven't they?" She whispers to me and chews on her lip, smudging her lipstick.

"He has asked for you, Kate." I tell her with a pointed look.

"Really?" She asks hopefully and I nod. With renewed purpose and a confident grin she jumps down from the counter and excuses herself to greet the new guests. Oh boy.

I quickly freshen up at the bathroom before I return to the living room.

Now that Jack and Elliott are here too we sit down around the table after Leila, Mia and Kate – I wanted to help them too but Leila told me to have fun with Ben instead – serve the food. Unfortunately I am sat right beside Jack who tries to engage me in a conversation while trying to ignore Ben who sits on my other side. I find it incredibly rude whenever he interrupts me and Ben. Ben seems unobvious to Jack's real intentions, like everybody else he is charmed by him. But I notice the mean look Jack gave him when I introduced them. Christian who sits on the other side of the table and I exchange a look whenever Jack tries to take the attention away from Ben. Me being polite makes it easier for him to engage me into a conversation. I feel super bad because poor Ben is unobvious to what's going on but I don't have the courage to call Jack off. Luckily, Christian comes to my rescue.

"Jack, haven't we talked about proper behavior at social events the last time?" He asks loudly, making everybody shut up. The cold tension between them could be cut with a knife.

"I can't remember you being my dad, Christian." Jack hisses. I don't like the look in his eyes. Inconspicuously I try to move my chair closer to Ben's.

"Well, but I feel like I should remind you that there are other people around this table who you could talk to. Poor Ana has been trying to be polite but you chewed her ear off."

I don't like the sound of 'Poor Ana'. He has been saving my ass a lot today. I feel like I owe him something and I fear that he pities me. I hate pity. It irks me. I can't help to narrow my eyes at the thought. I think I should talk to him about that.

"I apologize to Ana if I annoyed her but I think she is old enough to speak to herself. Ana, did I annoy you?" Jack turns to me with a sorry look. I think he uses the opportunity to ask me in public because he knows I won't be able to say that he annoyed me. He is clever and cunning. He is a Slytherin.

"Of course not." I mumble and blush when I feel everyone's eyes on me.

"Does anybody want some Quiches?" Mia asks suddenly, trying to change the topic. She succeeds. Jack doesn't give up though. He still insists on talking to me but luckily Ben is by my side because this time he is the one interrupting Jack. I smile thankfully at him.

I can't help but notice how Kate and Elliott, who are sitting beside each other, keep whispering. They are probably following my advise to talk. I am dying to hear about it later from Kate.

After dinner we gather around the present table where Mia opens her presents. She reacts gleefully at most of them. Only one of Luke's presents, a Breaking Bad DVD set, gets a frown but when she opens the other package she finds a new pair of Jimmy Choo brand high heels from him. She squeals like a little girl and dances around.

And when she hears about Ethan's surprise Ibiza honeymoon, she practically screams and jumps around, thanking him over and over again. When she hugs him tightly and kisses him frequently, I think that if there are two people who are soul mates then it's Mia and Ethan. They are different from each other, yes, but they complete each other.

Isn't that what a soul mate should do?

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 **Long, long, long, suuuuper long chapter for you ;) I hope you liked it.**

 **Christian playing basketball? That's a hot image. (random trivia: I had a super hot gym teacher in high school and believe me when I say, basketball shorts are super hot 3)**

 **Anyway, what did you think? Jack is creepy, huh? Why are these guys still hanging around with him then? We will find out soon. Creepy doesn't mean evil occasionally. We will see about that.**

 **What's next? Thanksgiving dinner at the Grey's with Grace, Carrick, Elliott, Leila, Christian, Ana aaaaand…. Dun. Dun. Duunn. ELENA FREAKING LINCOLN! The bitchtroll makes an appearance, ladies and gentlemen. And remember, in this story she is the same age as our gang.**

 **Until next time (I don't know when though)**

 **Melii xoxo**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello?**

 **I'm sorry?**

 **Don't hate me?**

 **I know it's super late, like super, super late, and I know how patient you have been. And I really, really feel lucky to have readers like you. I know that even if you don't like some of my characters – like Ana, her besties, and the whole Leila and Christian situation going on -, you still wait patiently to see how things turn out in the end. And I hope that I will make it worth your wait. By the way I started writing the future CPOV, which will chapter 20, and now I am in love with him. I think you will enjoy his thoughts too. (ItsAStrangeDay, I know that you are dying to read his thoughts :D And I enjoy making you suffer :P ) But until then, it's a looong way. We have so many things to be written first.**

 **Special thanks to the ladies of Facebook for keeping up with my bullshit the last few days (they know what I am talking about).**

 **Thanks for your reviews which I haven't answered yet, but real life is cracking the whip. But I promise you that I read every single one of them (even the not so nice ones but yeah.)**

 **Anyway, first things first. Today is Thanksgiving (at least for our beloved characters). We have the Grey's, passive aggressive Ana (if you follow me on Facebook, you know what I am talking about. If you don't, then go follow me: Melisa littlebadhero), nervous Leila, thoughtful Christian, a fight, and Elena bitchtroll Lincoln and her pretentious parents.**

 **See you at the bottom (I have a surprise for you)**

 **Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money earned. Just for fun and reviews. Reviews are addicting and have the magical ability to make me write faster ;)**

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 **Something utterly shocking, saddening and maddening happened. Today, April 23th 2016, just when I was writing the last parts of this chapter and when my only concern was how I was going to end it and how I was going to write the part where introductions are made; I lost my grandmother, the person who raised me until I was four years old and the person whom I probably should have told that I love her and that she is everything important in my life more often.**

 **When I got the news that we lost her, my only thought was that life isn't fair, life is a bitch, life doesn't like those who are pure. My grandmother was a kind, generous, maybe a little bit stubborn, woman who loved her children and grandchildren and who always believed in god and his might. Yet, life, maybe god himself, took her from us far too early and too sudden. She may have been nearly 80 years old, but she was healthy and strong, the only thing that made her weak was her blood pressure.**

 **This chapter is dedicated to my 'nane' – she was called that by all of her grandchildren, it is a short version of 'ananne', the Turkish word for grandmother.**

 **It's not beta'ed or edited because I haven't the strength to do that. Sorry. And some parts can sound broken off, that's because I just wanted to finish it, without thinking about how it sounds. I promise I will try to make it better next time. But I wanted to upload because you have been waiting so long.**

 **When will I upload the next one? I don't know. Honestly, I need some time to cry and to be sad before I can type words. Thank you for your sympathy.**

 **;(**

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 **12\. Thanksgiving**

The drive to Bellevue takes a little longer than the last time because of the traffic caused by last-minute travelers who try to make it somewhere in a rush on Thanksgiving. It's late afternoon and Christian, Leila and I are once again seated in Christian's Volvo with them in the front seats and me on my usual, familiar place in the back. Christian is holding Leila's hand while she is sitting unusually silent with her face turned toward the passing landscape. She is super nervous because of the 'meeting the parents' situation going on and hasn't really talked that much this morning. We had a rather quick breakfast where Christian and I tried to cheer her up because we both knew that she didn't have a reason to be intimidated or anxious to meet the parents of Christian.

Leila had admitted to me that she was in fact intimidated by the Grey's wealth and their social prestige. Even if Christian was an aloof, grounded guy, his family was portrayed as something else in the local newspapers. His mother, Grace whom I already had met at the book fair, was a successful pediatrician and his father was a famous attorney who once had saved the ass of the mayor's son from getting put behind bars. The fact that they lived in Bellevue was cowing enough to make nervous, overwhelmed Leila squirm. She had pestered me the last six days with her overreactions and unnecessary anxiety because she had no reason to be intimidated by the Grey's. From what I had seen of Grace, I could tell that she was kind and not a snob and I doubted that someone like her would ever marry someone who was what Leila was afraid of. Christian's father couldn't be that bad if he had a wife like Grace and sons like Elliott and Christian.

Her boyfriend had also tried to take her anxiety by promising her that there was nothing to be scared of. His parents were going to love her because she made him happy and nothing else counted more. And Christian also told her about his parents grounded attitude and there normalcy what could also be called weirdness because like any other person they had their funny quirks.

But Leila feared that the fact that she and Christian came from different backgrounds would make every one in his parent's circle wonder why someone like him would be with her, a simple girl from middle class. It was a rather illogical way of thinking, to be honest. She shouldn't be worrying about the thoughts of others. Christian liked her, nothing else should matter. But Leila could be fussy over such things. I remember the first time we had met Kate and Ethan's parents who also were as socially prestigious as the Grey's. She had tried to impress them with her barely existing knowledge about the European banking system – Mr. Kavanaugh was a business man. It had all ended with Mr. Kavanaugh making a dorky, dad joke; making us crack and Leila relax. I assumed that tonight would pretty much be the same. That was one of the reasons Leila had asked me to accompany them, I was moral support first, bullshit-talking-preventer second. "Do what ever it takes you to do, to make me stop talking bullshit. You know how I babble whenever I am nervous." Leila had assigned me. I had promised her to kick her shin if she should start talking about the right usage of window cleaners.

"You look breathtaking today." Christian says with a side glance toward his girlfriend and an honest smile on his lips. "You both do." He winks at me from the rear-view-mirror. Begrudgingly I smile back, the politeness in me making it impossible not to return the favor.

I look down at my choice of clothing for today. I am wearing a white cotton dress with lacy elbow-length sleeves and a v-neck. My boots are light brown suede, fringed and go up to my calves. They look great with my thin, brown leather belt which is hugging my waist tightly. I am wearing my hair open today, it's flowing to my back in wavy curls.

Thanks to her nervousness, Leila hasn't pestered me today with fashion advises. She had been too busy to dress herself, it took her a while until she found the right outfit. Leila had chosen to wear a silky, forest green, sleeveless dress which reached her knees, claiming that it made her look sophisticated and pretty at the same time. On her feet she was wearing her expensive, black leather boots she had purchased last Christmas with the purpose of to be worn only on special occasions. I suppose there wasn't a more special occasion than meeting the parents of your boyfriend. Her hair was put into a loose bun with a few strands of hair framing her face. Christian was right. She really did look breathtaking.

He grasps her hand firmly and raises it to his mouth. Christian kisses the back of her hand softly, making me roll my eyes in the process. Mister Sweet-Gentle-Tender-Boyfriend. It's sickening how sweet they are together. I kinda want to gag.

"You don't have to worry." He mumbles to her. "My parents will love you."

I can't suppress a bored sigh, earning a skeptical look from Christian. His gray eyes are asking questions he can't speak out loud. "Do you have a problem?" He wants to ask but he doesn't. Good for him.

I am not in the mood to talk with Christian. I haven't been in the mood to talk to him since Mia's birthday party and the whole Jack fiasco. His heroic act to save me from Jack's annoying habit to pester me has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't need his pity or him to save me. I am capable of getting rid of people like Jack by myself. Okay, I might still have let über friendly Jack bug me with his interest in me, but that was a gesture of politeness. I didn't want to be rude. I didn't need to be saved by the knight in the shining armor. Go save someone else, Christian Grey.

When Christian pulls over in front of a big, brick row house kind mansion with huge fir tress around the property, Leila's eyes widen and her mouth forms a shocked 'O'. I can't keep myself from gaping at the building too. A long, brick path leads to a white, wooden door on which's sides pots of colorful flowers are placed. On the right half of the building, vines of a green plant, which's name I can't remember but I am sure Leila knows it, climb up the wall and miraculously around the windows.

"Tell me your parents aren't living here." Leila gasps, biting her lip. Her boyfriend leans forward and kisses her cheek, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, probably telling her once again not to be nervous while being the sweet, understanding boyfriend who makes me want to punch a wall. Hmpf.

We get out of Christian's car and walk down the brick path leading to the entrance, where Christian rings the bell. He has put one arm around Leila's waist, while the other presses down the gold colored button of the bell. We are greeted by a blonde, pig-tailed young woman who wears a black shirt and pants with a white apron. She has put on a wide smile.

"Welcome, Mr. Grey." She flutters her eyelashes at him, obviously enchanted by him and his looks. I roll my eyes.

"Hi, Julia." Christian greets her with a nod, we do the same. Inside, Julia takes our coats and tells us that his parents are in the dining room, busy with setting the table.

I take in my surroundings while I slip out of my coat. We are standing in a round hall with marble, elegant stairs on both sides heading upstairs and a hallway in the middle which probably leads to another part of the building. Leila mouths 'Oh my god' at me when she notices the expensive looking pieces of art hanging on the walls, a diversity of wooden sculptures and metallic paintings. I give her an encouraging look. Or at least I try.

We wander down the hallway, which leads to a small entrance with four, big doors. Before Christian can open the one on our left, Leila puts a shaky hand on his forearm, stopping him from his task.

"Wait." She mumbles, breathing in and out deeply. Christian and I wait patiently, while she tries to pull herself together. Leila looks down at her expensive, fabulous boots; mumbling something under her breath.

"Okay. I'm ready." She says, sounding confident when she looks up. I think the boots have a magical ability, making nervous women more confident. I don't know what she is expecting of the Grey's now, maybe that they will treat her like shit. But I doubt that someone could be mean toward his guests, even if they don't like them. And I doubt more that Grace, Christian's mother, could be hostile toward anyone – especially Leila.

Christian, who is dressed in a dark slacks and a navy shirt, gives her a last questioning look, asking her silently for permission, and when she nods at him encouragingly, he opens the door to a Victorian style dining room with chesterfield chairs and a dark table made out of chocolate brown wood. The walls are painted in a sea blue tone with white trims, complimenting the golden décor objects placed on the table, the bar area and on the shelves where picture frames and sculptures are shown, probably pictures of the family. I am thrilled at the thought of embarrassing photographs of Christian and Elliott in their teen years. On the right of the room, double doors open to another room, probably the living room.

The room itself is stylish yet welcoming, but what really does take our breaths away are the two elderly people dressed in fancy clothes, who are scuttling around the table with fine china in their hands. They are arguing about the right placement of the dessert fork, when Christian clears his throat.

"Mum, Dad." He smiles at them, and Grace, the petite, brunette woman, squeals joyfully when she sees us; the dessert forks forgotten.

"Christian." Her gray are glistening with love when she hugs her son tightly. "Punctual like usual."

"Well, I didn't want to make you wait any longer. I know how boring life is without me." Christian jokes, making his mother chuckle softly.

"You are such a dork." Gently she pats his back before she releases him from her hug, her attention now on Leila and me. From the corner of my eye, I see how Leila straightens her back, trying to look more confident than she actually feels right now. I cheer her internally.

Grace looks at my friend curiously, but friendly. "You must be the girl, my son can't stop talking about. It's nice to meet you, Leila. Finally." She gives her son a meaningful look, maybe implying that she had wanted to meet his girlfriend earlier. See, Leila? His mother is nice.

Leila blushes a little and smiles. " It's nice to meet you too, Mrs. Grey."

"Oh, please call me Grace, darling. Mrs. Grey is my mother-in-law." Grace suddenly pulls Leila into a hug, surprising my best friend. But she eventually hugs her back. I see how tension leaves her body, Grace seems to have that effect on people around her.

"And of course, your best friend, Anastasia." I also get a hug from her, her sweet, motherly scent filling my nostrils while my face is pressed into her brown, glossy hair.

"Nice to see you again, Grace." I smile politely. "Happy Thanksgiving. And thanks for having me."

"Thanks, Anastasia. I'm happy to have people around on Holidays. Did you like the book fair? I hope to see you again next year, dear." She caresses my arm gently. I take notice of her clothing, a beige colored dress with silver details around the neck and black pumps. She is also wearing black pearl earrings and a fitting bracelet around her wrist.

"Yes, it was rather interesting to see various kind of books in one place. And I really liked the sandwiches."

She laughs at my words, it's an angelic sound. "Yes, we are highly praised for our sandwiches."

Meanwhile, Christian has introduced Leila to his father, Carrick Grey, a handsome man with sandy hair with gray spots and deep, brown eyes. He is all smiles, all American sunny boy; I notice that Elliott is his exact copy only more bulky and taller. Carrick is wearing black pants and a brown wool pullover over a white shirt. His shoes are shiny black.

"Son, bringing two pretty ladies to dinner, I see." He jokes as we shake hands. "I always knew that my sons are as charming as their mother, but this is a whole new level."

"I learned all from my old man." Christian scratches the side of his head with a smirk, it's boyish and annoyingly cute.

"I'm known to have my moments." Carrick winks at us. "Why don't we go to the living room. Grace, dear, maybe we should let Julia and the others handle setting the table before we stab each other with the dessert fork."

His wife shakes her head with hands at her hips. "We wouldn't have to fight if you admitted that I was right."

Carrick grabs her hips, pulling her close to his side, so he can press a chaste kiss on her cheek. Grace blushes.

"We weren't fighting, we were arguing."

"Where is Elliott?" Christian asks his parents when we are seated in the red, chesterfield couches of the living room with cream colored walls and wooden ornaments. I'm sitting beside Leila, the spot on my other side is empty. Julia enters the room and asks us if we would like some refreshments. She offers us coffee, tea, various wines, water and fruit juice. Leila and I gladly accept a glass of fresh orange juice, while Christian wants a cup of coffee.

"Upstairs. He said he left some things at his room, he wants to have back." Grace, who sits across from us with her husband, tells her son. "And the Millers are going to be here soon." Carrick briefly tells us that they are their neighbors, an elderly couple with their youngest daughter.

Elliott and Kate have had the big talk about the future of their relationship a few days after Mia's birthday, where they both decided to keep things slow – a code for no sex – until they both knew what they wanted from each other. Since then, they have had lunch together, keep texting each other and Kate swears that he calls her every night right before she falls asleep, to wish her 'good night'.She thanked me because I was the one who made her see that the more important something is, the more you over think it.

Soon, Grace and Carrick have engaged us into a conversation, especially concentrating on Leila. I have to suppress a smug grin and give myself a pointed look because she has been being nervous about meeting them has been superfluous. I told her that they were nice and would love her. Grace and she are talking about the Grey's fabulous pieces of art hanging in the hallway and in the living room, while Christian, his dad and I are talking about my family and how sad my mother was that I couldn't visit them. But I promised them to visit them over Christmas.

A little later, the Millers show up, surprisingly nice people with a typical teenage daughter who would rather be with her friends than with us. I can't blame her. When I was her age, I had felt the same way. It takes me a while but then I recognize her from our trip at the book fair. She is the girl who sold us my proud copy of 'The Little Prince'.

Christian suggests to show me and Leila the rest of the house and the breathtaking backyard, we follow him dutifully and delightfully, we explore the house of the Grey's. Leila, who is much more calmer since she has seen how kind and nice the Grey's are.

We are back in the dining room, where Christian tells us the story of the famous dining table which the family Grey owns over one hundred years, when the sudden appearance of two people surprise us.

"Godson." The tall, fake blonde woman greets Christian with a hug. Her nasal voice makes me want to gag.

"Hello, Berenice." He kisses both of her cheeks. "Isaac."

"Christian, boy, long time no see." His godfather also hugs him. "Won't you introduce us to these pretty ladies?"

"Ana, Leila. Let me introduce you to my godparents, Berenice and Isaac Lincoln. They are also the parents of my childhood best friend, Elena." Christian points to the blonde, Botox filled woman who looks like she has tasted something bitter and her small, gray haired husband with a disinterested look on his face. I remember Berenice Lincoln from our book fair trip and I certainly can't forget how she had treated me. She was a rather unpleasing woman and today is no difference.

"Christian. How nice to finally to meet your girlfriend." One might think her words are kind and friendly but her tone and her expression tells a whole other story. She purses her lips as she takes me and Leila in, her cold green eyes wander over our attire.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs. Lincoln." Leila says sweetly and I don't miss that only Mr. Lincoln smiles back. The snake eyed Mrs. Lincoln just turns her head to Christian with her hand – painted in devilish red by the way – on Christian's arm. I can't keep my eyes from her. She is so hostile that it's kinda fascinating. How can someone be that way, I wonder.

"Elena is going to be here soon, darling." She purrs to her grandson. "You know how hard she works at the salon."

"Your daughter works at a salon?" Leila asks politely. She is trying to engage the Lincolns into a conversation but unfortunately for her these people aren't into talking with her. While his wife looks at Leila as if she is some kind of an insect, Mr. Lincoln doesn't even bother answering. His eyes are on the ass of a passing maid. At least he has the decency to blush and look away when he notices that I caught him checking up another woman while his wife is standing right beside him.

"Work at a salon?" Berenice lets out a disgusted sound. "She has her own one, _Lily_."

I have the lousy feeling that she knew exactly that my best friend's name wasn't Lily. I hadn't thought that I could hate that woman more than I already did but the fact that she deliberately tries to hurt Leila's feelings make me want to rip out her fake, blonde hair. She is everything Leila had been afraid of; an arrogant, mean snob.

I see how Leila squirms under her evil stare and how Christian frowns at his grandmother. Before they both can react – and I know that Christian will protect his girlfriend from his grandmother's ire – I do something that probably would shock all of my friends: I don't shut up, I defend my friend. I'm capable of protecting me and my friends, I think sourly. Take that, Grey. Put it in your pipe and smoke it.

"It's Leila." I say fiercely and give Berenice a dirty look.

"Pardon?" She looks at me like I am piece of dirt.

"Her name is Leila. Not Lily." I sound more confident than I actually am. But I don't like this woman and I don't like it when she hurts my friend. So I try to give her the meanest look I can manage, manners be damned! I wouldn't have to attack her, if she wasn't such a bitch!

"And you are?" Berenice cocks an eyebrow arrogantly, her lips are pursed with displeasure. I take a deep breath before I answer her.

"My name is Anastasia Steele, ma'am." She hisses when I call her ma'am and I have to suppress a satisfied smile. She obviously has a problem with her age. "But you should know that because we have met before. Are you that oblivious?"

I hear how her husband giggles softly while Leila and Christian look at me in shock. I hope I don't offend Christian or his parents by talking like this to his godmother but I won't let her attack my friend like that. She has been nothing but disrespectful since the very first second we met her. I remember that Christian told me, she was hoping he would marry her daughter, his childhood best friend. But that doesn't give her the right to be a bitch toward Leila whom she didn't even give a chance to talk or to get to know her.

"And where could we possibly have met, young lady?" She narrows her Botox filled face but it's not impressing or frightening me. I snort arrogantly, a first for me.

"How about the annual book fair of Bellevue's congregation, Mrs. Lincoln? A few weeks ago, remember?"

Her face falls, she obviously remembers me. I'm drunk with victory when I have silenced her. My lips curl, I think I am grinning smugly.

"Yes, godmother. I had Anastasia with me that day, remember?" Christian turns to her with his eyes still widen from shock. I think I made him speechless, a rather pleasant thought. When Mrs. Lincoln notices Christian's frown, she tries to save her own, from Botox intoxicated ass by putting on a sweet smile and an apologetic look.

"Oh yes, dear. I'm sorry but I am unusually forgetful the last few days." I notice how her tone changes, it gets weaker and softer like if she was trying to use her age – she is probably over fifty but thanks to her plastic surgeon you can't really tell – as a weapon. She is sneaky, I think. She knows what to say to get attention. Christian's eyes soften, compassionately he rubs his hand over her forearm.

"The headaches annoying you again?" He asks with a sympathetic smile. She nods and rubs her temple with her manicured fingers. "Godmother, why don't you go sit down?"

Berenice mumbles something about him being so thoughtful before her husband and she excuse themselves to have a seat in the living room. We watch them go, her husband puts an arm around her to support her and she plays the role of the weak, old lady perfectly. I grunt at her show and earn a questioning look from Christian.

"I don't like her." I whisper to him as Julia, the maid, passes by, her eyes gazing at us curiously. I cross my arms at my chest.

"That wasn't hard to see, Ana." Christian chuckles. "I just didn't know you could be so hostile."

"Hostile?" I gasp at him. "Me? She was the one who was hostile. Have you noticed how she treated Leila?"

I fume while giving him a furious look. He raises his eyebrows.

"Of course I noticed. And I would have protected my girlfriend without you attacking my godmother." He hisses at me, taking me by surprise. Until now he has been silently enduring my passive aggressive mood, in fact I haven't heard Christian hiss at anyone before. He always was a friendly, kind guy who smiled at everyone wholeheartedly.

"Oh yeah, protecting everyone is your thing. I forgot." I bite the inner side of my cheek, desperately wanting to scream at him while knowing that wouldn't be polite in public.

"What the hell is going on with you?" Christian suddenly raises his voice, grasping his hair frustratedly. "You have been acting weird all week long."

I huff, ready to serve him a piece of angry Ana, when Leila interrupts us. She squeezes herself between us and puts one hand on his chest and one on my arm.

"What's going on with you guys?" She looks sadly at us. "What's it with the fighting over nothing?"

"Nothing?" I gasp, hardly believing the words I am hearing from her. "Nothing? That woman treated you like shit. I was trying to protect you."

"I'm thankful, Ana. But why are you so… angry?" She whispers the last part, like it's some dirty, little secret. I narrow my eyes at her.

"I'm not angry."

"Yes, you are, Ana. But why?"

Oh, I know a few reasons but I couldn't tell them to her.

First of all, there was the 'Christian pities me' situation. I hate to be pitied. I don't want people to look at me, thinking 'Oh, poor Ana.'. And even if Jack really annoyed me that evening, his interest had been creepy while Ben was sitting right beside me, Christian had no right to humiliate me in public by making me look weak, like I wasn't able to defend myself. His intentions may be pure, but I can't let him treat me like a weak, little girl who needs the knight in shining armor to save her from the evil queen or the beastly dragon. No matter how heroic that might be or how I feel whenever I think about him being protective over me.

Which leads to reason number two, my feelings for him. Two months have passed since Christian Grey walked into our lives and my heart, where he had a throne made out of splinters of glass. One wrong move of him and I could bleed to death. I was watching him be happy with my best friend, whom I loved like a sister; I watched him do the things with her I would like to do with him. Good thing that my heart seemed to be made of steel, otherwise I would have died a long time ago. But when he protects me, when he shows that he cares for me, when I feel things that I shouldn't feel, I feel like a traitor. I have to stop him from caring, otherwise I will bleed to death.

I can't specifically ask him to stop caring, that would only be suspicious. But I also need him to stop showing signs of affection, a friend caring for another one, because it's torturous and every sweet word leaves scars. I have too many already.

I narrow my eyes at Leila, not able to tell her my thoughts and feelings without shattering her world. So, I do what a good friend would do: I put on a smile and let her be happy, even if it means that I go through an immense pain.

"I'm sorry." I mumble under my breath. "I shouldn't have overreacted like that."

"You didn't overreact. You were right. She was really hostile toward you guys. I apologize for her." Christian has calmed down, he is no longer ruffing his hair which looks more chaotic than usual.

"What was her problem? I didn't insult her, did I?" Leila being Leila worries if she has insulted that hideous woman who treated her like shit.

"No, you didn't, baby." Christian tells her softly, biting his lip. "It's just..."

"What?" She asks him curiously. I see how he squirms and shakes his head with a heavy sigh.

"It's just, she wanted me to be with her daughter, Elena."

Leila gapes at him, open-mouthed. "You mean, your childhood best friend?"

Oh. This is new to her. I thought she already knew.

And right on clue, like she was waiting for the exact moment, a long-legged, tall, breathtakingly beautiful, blonde woman with high cheekbones and a killer smile enters the dining room, changing the atmosphere of the room just with her presence.

"Christian." She looks happy, a little bit too happy, to see him. As soon as she is by our side, she is in his arms, hugging him tightly and sensually, making me and Leila gape at her in surprise. I don't think she should be allowed to go out in public because she makes every woman in the close proximity doubt herself, which isn't good for one's ego. The woman hugging Christian, who only can be Elena, has long, wavy, shiny hair like a Disney princess, an hourglass figure with a great rack and hips, and pouty, red, and what guys might call kissable lips. She is dressed in a black and white polka-dot skirt with a purple, sleeveless shirt. Her pumps are peep-toes and also purple with heels so long that if I should ever dare to wear them, I might harm me and the people around me because of my clumsiness. Around her long neck hangs an expensive looking black necklace and on two of her manicured fingers she is wearing rings. I can smell her perfume, and thanks to Mia, I know which one it is. Chanel No.5.

Everything about this woman screams 'wealthy'. From the way her hair is done to her purple shoes. Even her tights look expensive, she probably got them from 'Agent Provocateur' or something.

"Finally, I get to see you." Elena now presses two kisses on each of his cheeks, leaving reddish pink lipstick stains on his skin. I think Leila might explode.

Gently, Christian cups her waist and pushes her away so he can look into her eyes – and also because she was making Leila jealous with her overly attached hug and kisses.

"Elena." He smiles at her, really looking happy to see her. "How have you been?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Work has been rough, the new hair stylist seems to be really good, but also arrogant." She babbles with a cheery voice and a white teeth showing grin. I think she should play in this toothpaste commercials where the actor always smiles widely with his unnaturally white teeth on show. I can't look away from her, she is so gorgeous that I am internally dying. Usually, I'm not the type to feel bad because of an attractive woman but there is nothing usual about her beauty. She looks like a Greek goddess. And I look like a Greek yoghurt.

"But enough about me, Christian. What's it with the not returning my calls attitude?" She mocks him, gently slapping his arm in a playful way. "Mum told me you have a girlfriend now. Glad to find out about that, _best friend._ " Now she turns her gorgeous blue-green eyes to Leila and me.

"Oh. I'm Elena. Nice to meet you, girls." She flashes us a glorious smile and shakes our hands. I wonder if her cheeks hurt from all the smiling.

"Hi. I'm Ana. Nice to meet you too." I say politely, while Leila is still frowning at her. I remember my duties as bullshit-talking-preventer, and I assume I am also a frowning-when-I-see-the-gorgeous-best-friend-of-my-boyfriend-preventer, so I nudge Leila's shoulder with mine slightly. Thank the guy above, she finally talks.

"Hello, Elena. It's so nice to meet you finally. Christian has told me so much about you." I'm in awe with her. She lies without blushing, something I can't do. "I'm Leila, by the way. The afore mentioned girlfriend."

And with just a few words out of Leila's mouth, Elena's smile drops instantly. Her pretty eyes widen as they take Leila in from head to toe, inspecting the girlfriend of her best friend intently.

As fast as she has lost her smile, she finds it again. This time it's even brighter, and I really didn't think that was possible.

"What a surprise to meet the girl who finally managed to find a way into Christian's heart." Suddenly she pulls Leila into a tight hug, as if they are long lost friends. "You have to promise me to keep this one on his toes. He deserves it."

"Already bonding against me. How nice." I see how Christian visibly relaxes when Leila and Elena start chatting with Elena's long arm around Leila's petite shoulders. We walk back to the living room, where Christian's godparents are sitting and drinking with his actual parents. When I enter the room, I immediately wonder what Berenice has told Grace and Carrick about our little show in the dining room. But when they don't mention it, I suspect that she has kept her mouth shut. Well, that's a surprise. I had thought she would make a scene, calling me names while pretending to be a weak, old woman. It's a wonder that her daughter is so nice.

I wonder where Elliott is when I can't spot him. My question gets answered when Grace tells us that Elliott is upstairs because of an important phone call. Something tells me that he talking to Kate. I suppress a smug grin.

"Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes, Mrs. Grey." Julia enters the room, announcing the time dinner will start. My stomach grumbles when the smells of delicious food fills my nostrils.

Meanwhile Leila, Elena, Christian and I have sat down around the small table in the living room, and the blonde goddess is entertaining us with her anecdotes about Christian's childhood, his embarrassing teenage years because apparently he was in the chess club and a mathlete; making it impossible to hate her even if she looks like she just stepped out of the magazines, Kate loves so much. She is friendly, cheery, and seems honestly interested at what people are saying, always listening thoughtfully and always finding the right words to say. I think she might become Leila's new best friend.

We find out that Elena graduated from WSU, her major had been 'economics and politics', but afterward she had found out that her real passion was the beauty industry. At first she had planned to become a fashion designer, she even got into one of these fancy, European schools in France, but then she decided that she couldn't see herself drawing and designing clothes all day. She wanted to work with people, and since she was great in doing artistic make-up, Elena decided to have her own beauty salon. Now, she was the proud owner of 'Elena's'. She planned to open a branch in Portland soon.

Finally, dinner gets served by Julia and her friends. After Mr. Grey speaks a small prayer, wishing us all a 'happy thanksgiving', we dig in into our food which tastes rather delicious. Not even Mrs. Lincoln's presence could sour my mood right now. The food tastes too good to be sad. I can be sad afterward. I probably will be sad afterward. Who cares?

After dinner, which ended with a great dessert, the Grey's invite us to have coffee in the living room. We follow their lead, our stomach's heavy with turkey, and once again I am seated between Leila and Elliott. I catch Elliott checking up his phone once in a while, so I ask him from whom he is waiting to hear off. He gives me a crocked smile, telling me that I know the answer already. We talk a little about Kate, and he confesses to miss her, while coffee is served. From the corner of my eye, I notice how Leila is talking to Elena again, both are laughing at something they have said, and Christian is watching them, only talking when it is necessary. I think he likes that his girlfriend and best friend get along. Who wouldn't? I also notice that Elena is drinking red wine, unlike the rest of us. It's a good wine though. I had to suppress a moan when I tasted it at dinner.

Suddenly Elena's phone rings, announcing a call from which she states that she was waiting for it all day. She quickly excuses herself and asks Carrick if she can use his office to talk. He smiles at her, telling her that she is free to use his office. She scuttles away with her glass of wine and her phone. As soon as she has left, Christian and Leila are talking about her.

"I can assume that you like her?" He whispers to his girlfriend. She smiles gleefully and nods.

"She is so nice, I can oversee the fact that she is too hot to be your best friend."

This makes Christian laugh.

"Well, you don't have to be scared of her hotness."

"Why? Don't tell me that I am hotter than her. That would be a lie." Leila giggles while playing with the hem of his shirt.

"Because I love you."

And suddenly, I feel like the splinters of glass are tearing my heart apart. I'm breathless, my heart stops beating, and if I wasn't in public I might have let out a cry. There are no words that could describe the pain I am feeling right now, no words that could soothe the pain. If anything could make this easier for me, then it would be death.

"What?" I hear Leila gasp.

"You heard me." He sounds confident and sure. Like someone who just declared his love for the girl of his dreams.

And then she kisses him passionately. In front of his parents. In front of me.

I have to get out of here.

"Sorry. I have to go to the bathroom." I mumble, making Leila chuckle into their kiss.

"You are such a romantic, Ana." She goes back to kissing her boyfriend.

Before I leave the living room, I hear Elliott say "we can't stop having human needs just because my brother decided to be in love with you.". I find the bathroom right beside Carrick's office and when I am inside, I don't even try to be strong. I sit down on the toilet which's lit is closed and cross my arms at my chest, just to pretend to fall apart. I bite my lip hardly, the tears already swimming in my eyes. But I can't cry right now. Not in the bathroom of the parent's of the guy I love, who is in love with my best friend. But I can curse myself silently, over and over again, for letting myself feel this way. It's frustrating, unbearable, and I wish somebody would sedate me.

I don't know why I am reacting this way, I shouldn't. I shouldn't let his love declaration make me feel breathless, it shouldn't hurt me. I knew this was going to happen eventually. What did I think? That he will never drop the L-word? We were talking about Leila after all. Everybody loved Leila. Well, except Mrs. Lincoln but she didn't count. I doubted that she liked someone easily.

But I wonder what will I do when they decide to marry in a few years? What will I do when they have kids, who will call me 'Aunt Ana'? Can I pretend to be the supportive friend for the rest of my life? Maybe I should just go away, move to Savannah where my mum and dad live. I could easily find a job there, start a new life.

But I don't think I'm strong enough to do that.

Because even if I can't have him, I don't want to be away from him.

And I don't want to move somewhere, where my friends aren't. I love them too much to be without them.

Leila, I think. Leila. Leila. Leila.

I love her like a sister. Her happiness stands above mine. And if said happiness contains Christian, I will be a good friend and stand by her side. Even if I am dying internally.

Get a grip, Steele.

You can do this.

For Leila.

With renewed purpose, I get up and wash my face. I have to get out before everyone thinks I have food poisoning. Quietly I close the door to the bathroom after me when I leave it. I'm walking past Carrick's office, when I hear Elena's voice from inside. At first I don't intend to listen, but her next words catch my attention.

"...and that girlfriend of his looks like a typical, cheap gold digger."

Her tone is not so cheerful anymore. She sounds exactly like her mother.

I quickly glance toward the door of the living room, not wanting to get caught listening to her conversation, but the curiosity is too big. I risk it and step a little closer to the door. I feel the need to press my ear to it, but I think if I get caught that would be much more difficult to explain.

"I don't know why he would rather stick his dick into that." She laughs, it sounds ugly and snarky. "But he will get bored and come back to me. We both know that I could give him things, she can't even dream about."

Seems like someone is in love with her best friend. And here I thought my situation was crappier. But at least, I'm not as evil as her.

"And the way she is dressed? That's just hideous. For the love of god, woman. Don't you have a mirror at home?" Again she laughs, and I imagine her running her manicured finger nails through her blonde hair. I feel the need to rip out said blonde hair. Nobody talks about my best friend like this. I have enough of the family Lincoln. Seriously, why are Grace and Carrick friends with these guys?

"I wouldn't feel sorry if I accidentally spilled some wine on her dress. It's not like it costed more than fifty bucks."

Oh. For the love of god.

"You know what? Maybe I should do that. It could be fun."

I heard enough. I don't think I could have listened to her garbage for another second.

I'm torn between entering the office and dragging her fake ass on the ground, and going back to the living room and protecting my best friend from the Lincolns silently and socially acceptably. I probably shouldn't create another scene. Be an adult, Ana. Go back inside.

Purposefully I sit down close to Leila, who has stopped kissing her boyfriend, thank god. I try giving her a meaningful look, trying to warn her about the fake blonde goddess without blurting out the words "that bitch is fake". She doesn't get it and starts babbling to me about how sweet Elena is and so on. And when she notices that Elena returns with her wine glass in her hand, she willingly scoots away from Christian, just so Elena can sit down beside her again.

I hear how Christian rumbles about being replaced, and how Leila jokes around, but my eyes are focused on Elena and her wide smile. Then my eyes find her wine glass and I remember her words.

" _I wouldn't feel sorry if I accidentally spilled some wine on her dress. It's not like it costed more than fifty bucks."_

She is going to spill the wine. She is going to ruin Leila's evening just because she is a bitch. She is someone who tries to hurt my best friend and I can't let that happen.

I see how Elena's glass of wine wiggles in her hands, something she probably does herself, and I see how she pretends to be unstable on her feet. And before Elena bitch troll Lincoln can ruin my friend's evening and dress, I stand up quickly, positioning myself between the blonde snake and my friend. I deliberately bump into her, causing the expensive wine spilling all over my dress and a little bit over her skirt, creating a puddle of red fluid on the floor.

"Oh shit! I'm sorry." She has the decency to pretend to be sorry. I look down at the red stain on my white dress, thank god it isn't thin, otherwise I would be given a nice show.

"It's okay. It was my fault. I just saw you tripping over your own feet and I thought I could help you." I smile sweetly at her, it's a fake smile. But she shouldn't mind this because I have learned it from her.

Elena shakes her head and runs her fingers through her hair. "Yes, I think I had too much wine. And of course, this heels." She points toward her shoes. I just nod.

"Girls, let's get you cleaned up." Grace walks up to us, inspecting our clothes. "Elena, I think you should be good. But Ana, dear, you have to get out of that dress. We need to wash it, otherwise we won't get the stains off. Christian, you have a few pieces of clothes in your old bedroom, don't you?"

Meanwhile Christian, Leila and Elliott have made room for Julia who cleans up the mess I have created on the floor. I don't know how she managed to enter the room without me noticing. Elena excuses herself to the bathroom, probably sad because of her defeat.

"Yes, mum, I do. And I will gladly lend Ana some of them." He smiles at me.

"It's not necessary." I irk at the thought of wearing his clothes. I don't want to smell his scent on me.

"Well, you can't sit around like this, dear." Grace says motherly. "Christian, lead Ana upstairs and give her some of of your clothes."

"Yes, mum." He turns to me and nods toward the door. "Come on, Ana."

He leads me to the entrance where we take the stairs on our left. The stairs open to a big hallway with a couple of doors made out of expensive, wood.

We enter Christian's former bedroom and as soon as we enter, I find myself in adolescent Christian's mind where posters of famous football players and some models hang, where a small, plastic glider hangs from the ceiling and where a bookcase full of CD's and books stands. I notice that his taste in furnishing hasn't changed over the years. He has a single, black bed with white bedsheets, a similar desk where picture frames and books lay, and an armchair at the corner in front of the window from where he has a great view of the backyard.

Christian walks up to his wardrobe and looks at the inside thoughtfully.

"Hmm, well your options are worn off sweatpants with a rugby t-shirt. And before you ask, no, I didn't play rugby. I was in the chess club, remember? Or a pullover which has two holes at the neck with some khakis. These are the only decent things. Unless you want to wear my Halloween costume. But you don't look like a Dracula fan." He takes out a long, silky, black cape with red trims, smirking at my horrified look.

"I think I will stick to the pullover and the sweatpants. Thanks."

Quickly he takes out my choice of clothing before handing them over to me. The pullover is burgundy colored with the two mentioned holes at the right of its neck and the sweatpants are black with white strips at both sides, obviously from a worldwide famous brand.

"You can change here. I will go downstairs. Or if you want me to wait for you, you can change in the bathroom." He nods toward a door on our right, suddenly nervous. "Sorry about your dress, by the way. It really was pretty."

"Thanks." I smile at him. He makes a gesture of leaving, but then he stops by the door.

"Ana?" He looks at me precariously, like something is on his mind.

"Yes?" I look questioningly at him. His sudden change of mood is weird and unexpected. I don't know what his problem is.

Christian scratches the side of his head, a silent curse on his mouth.

"Listen, I wanted to apologize for saying that you act weird. Or have acted weird the last week." He looks deeply into my eyes, waiting for my reaction. I don't know what to say. I know that I acted weird, I have been passive aggressive after all, but I can't confess that because it would lead to him waiting for an explanation. I decide to put an end to that topic.

I fumble with the sweatpants in my hands. "It's okay, Christian. I'm getting changed in the bathroom. You don't have to wait for me."

Suddenly, Christian is groaning loudly. "For fuck's sake, Ana! You are doing it again!"

My eyes widen and my mouth forms an 'O'. I didn't expect him to snap like that.

"What?" I breathe out. Christian curses again and he ruffles his hair furiously. Then he starts walking up and down the room, while mumbling unintelligible things. I can only make out 'goddamned', 'frustrating' and 'for the love of god'.

"Christian." I hiss at him, wanting him to stop running around. He stops suddenly and gives me an infuriated glance. Angrily he bites his lip, puffing out his frustration.

"Two months, Ana! Two freaking moths! We know each other since the end of September! Since then I am trying to figure you out, I am trying to guess your motives or your thoughts. But for the love of everything that is holy, you are the most frustrating, intriguing, and cloudy person I have ever met! I'm unable to make head nor tail of you! And every time -"

"Christian, I -" He hisses at me when I try to interrupt him. His gray eyes are darker than usual, I would find them scary if I didn't know him.

"No! Let me talk! Every time people keep going over your head, you shut up and let them treat you like you are helpless, you let them pity you! I was giving you the chance to tell me to mind my own business, but once again you keep your mouth shut! Tell me to go fuck myself, to mind my own business!"

"I don't understand what you want from me!" I cry out hysterically. "I don't let people go over my head."

"Yes, you do, Ana. You do that constantly. Just like last week at Mia's birthday party with Jack. That asshole was annoying you, but you couldn't tell him to fuck off. And I wonder why? Why do you let people do that with you? Why do you let them treat you like shit?"

I huff, and roll my eyes at him. I'm furious, I have never been this angry before. He brings out extremes emotions in me.

"Look who is talking. You claim that I am letting people treat me like some helpless, pathetic damsel in distress, but in the same time you don't let me fight my own battles, Christian. You were the one who tried to save me from Jack! Tell me, why do you think you have to save me, if you actually want me to defend myself? That doesn't make sense!"

"Well, somebody had to open your eyes!"

"Why does it concern you how people treat me? Who the hell are you?" I throw the pieces of clothes in my hands to the floor, I don't want to be holding something that belongs to him. All the anger, the frustration, the endless feeling of drowning, I have felt the past two months in which I have watched him be the perfect man for my best friend, suddenly break out of me like an angry dragon, a beast that wants to bite some heads off and spit fire.

"Stop caring about me! Stop pretending that I mean something to you! Stop trying to protect me! You have no right to tell me what I should do and what I shouldn't! You are nobody to me, okay? We are not friends, and I don't think we ever will be!"

* * *

 **That's it. Hope you like it.**

 **I have planned a special surprise for you. It has something to do with the 200th review… Stay tuned. And go follow me on Facebook: Melisa littlebadhero.**

 **Until next time.**

 **Melii**


	13. Chapter 13

Boo.

I'm back with a new chapter.

This time it didn't take me a whole month. Yay.

Thanks for your amazing reviews, I really appreciate the interest! Keep up with me for better times :)

And special thanks to my beta, perfectdark8523, and my pre-reader, hrsmith91!

See you at the bottom.

 **DISCLAIMER: NOT MINE; NOT YOURS! FOR FUN AND REVIEWS!**

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 _This chapter is dedicated to the ladies of Facebook._

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 **1** **3\. Distance**

"Would you guys like some coffee?" Green eyes are looking at me intently, while the waitress with curly, red hair clears our table in swift moves. Ben gives me a questioning look, leaving the decision to me.

"Coffee would be great." I give him an encouraging smile as he turns to the waitress to order our coffee. My eyebrows are up high on my forehead when I notice that he remembers how I like my coffee.

We watch the waitress scuttle away with her red curls dancing up and down after she has noted our order on her notepad.

I went to have lunch with Ben after he had surprised me at my office with a bunch of tulips and a warm smile, telling me that he missed me over Thanksgiving. He had been at his parent's in Denver the past week which had lead to us sending each other friendly text messages.

"Well, my sisters and their kids kept me busy. I was either changing diapers or baking imaginary cookies with my nieces. It feels good to be around them though." Ben tells me, smiling at the memory of the time he spent with his family. "How was it at Christian's parents? Did they hate Leila like she assumed?"

I had told him a little about the events at the Grey's from Leila's anxiety to my now thanks to Grace's wisdom about wine stains saved dress.

"No, they were nothing but nice. Really sweet people, actually."

"Well, they seem to have raised Christian well. I didn't think they could be that bad."

"I had told Leila the same but 'meeting the parents' is always terrifying, I guess." I shrug with my shoulders.

"You probably don't have a problem with it, right? Parents must love you. People in general like you. Tell me, Ana, is that your super power?" Ben jokes, making me grin with a shake of my head.

"Not everyone likes me."

"Of course they do. They would be stupid if they didn't."

Stupid isn't what I have called Elena, who didn't seem to like anyone besides herself, in my head for the past week. I have called her worse things. Things I only think about when I am really, really angry. Her unnecessary sullen, vitriolic behavior has nearly ruined my best friend's evening. Even if staining clothes isn't a capitol felony, it's still a nasty thing to do with the motive to humiliate someone who had tried everything to be nice and friendly. Leila had really liked Elena, the manipulative, duplicitous bitch troll. But when I told her about the phone call I have been a witness of she got furious, blaming herself to be dumb enough to fall for her tricks. I told her not to blame herself because it seemed like we weren't the only one believing her lies. Everybody seemed to think of her as an angel which made her a dangerous person. She was a wolf dressed in sheep clothes, her beauty made clever people dumb.

Leila had confronted her boyfriend about his best friend's behavior immediately. She wanted to know the reason for Elena's hostility. Christian had been shocked when he heard about the phone call with one of her friends and her plan to humiliate Leila. He told his girlfriend that Elena wasn't an evil person, she was just having a bad time and he would make sure to talk to her. Leila hadn't really liked the thought of him talking to her, but she had agreed because she knew how much Elena meant to him – even if she had been a snake in the grass.

I couldn't see how exactly him talking to Elena could help them. She was obviously jealous of Leila and she was known to be a good actress. Why shouldn't she lie to him again? Why should anyone trust her?

But who was I to doubt his decisions?

I had wanted him to mind his own business, I should do the same.

Christian had met Elena for lunch a few days ago where she had burst into tears, telling him how sorry she was because of her behavior and that she would apologize to Leila and him until she dropped dead. Elena claimed to be jealous of any women beside him because she couldn't see how anyone could be good enough for her best friend, but she would love to get to know Leila. Of course if Leila would love that too. He had told her to stop harassing his girlfriend with her childish behavior if their friendship meant something to her. While Elena swore to never cross any borders again, I doubted that Christian understood that she was in love with him. I couldn't explain her strange behavior otherwise.

Long story short, Christian was now Team Elena again which I really couldn't understand, but I guess Elena had manipulated him. Leila had decided to trust his decision but she didn't really feel safe around Elena anymore. Christian had told her that he only asked her to give his best friend a last chance, when she saw the real Elena he knew she would like her too and if she should dare to pull another stunt like that, he would break off contact with her.

I couldn't see this ending well.

"I'm sure there are a lot of people who hate me." I fumble with the gray colored napkin holder. It's color remind me of the eyes of a certain Mr. Grey.

Ben shakes his head doubtfully while the red-haired waitress comes with our coffees which she places in front of us. We thank her with a smile before she walks away to the black wooden door leading to the kitchen area.

"Well, then they just don't understand you. If they knew you, they would love you. God, you must think I am weird! I know we have just met, but I have this feeling, Ana. I think you are one of the most misunderstood people."

Do I want people to understand me?

I have no idea.

"You are not weird." I assure him with a smile. "I am."

He chuckles into his cup while taking a sip of his steaming coffee.

"We can be weird together."

We talk a little about his coming training session with his basketball team and how exciting they are because of the tournaments soon. I wish them good luck and Ben actually invites me to visit one of the plays. He tells me that they are playing in Seattle, Thursday in a week and I gladly accept his offer. I have always liked sports even if I sucked at it. And I kinda want to see Ben again.

"You could invite Leila and Christian if you want to. He liked basketball, right?" He proposes politely, unaware of my current situation concerning Christian.

After our argument on last Thursday, things had gotten frosty between us. We barely talked, we didn't look at each other and I tried not to be in the same room with him whenever I could. I had told him that I didn't see him as a friend, that I couldn't possibly ever be his friends in such an angry tone that he was no offended. He had claimed to have clear intentions, he just wanted to help me because he cared so much about me.

"We are friends, Ana. Why are you trying to fight against it?" He had screamed at me furiously.

"I don't want to be your friend, okay? Just because you are banging my best friend, we don't have to become friends."

And with these words I had put an end to our fight.

Christian didn't speak to me afterward, he barely looked at me. He left me in his bedroom and returned to the living room where his stupid girlfriend and his stupid best friend were waiting for him.

He was stupid.

I was stupid.

I hated him.

And what's worse, I loved him.

The rest of the night of Thanksgiving I spent stifling my feelings, Christian threw me angry looks, Elena looked like somebody killed her puppy and poor Leila didn't have a clue what was going on.

Of course she noticed that things between me and Christian were tense. She left us alone for two days, probably thinking that we needed some time to cool, but then she ambushed us as soon as she found one of us alone. Apparently she had talked to Christian before she talked to me, but he hadn't given anything away. I didn't know if he would appreciate it if I told her the truth, maybe he didn't want Leila to interfere or maybe he just didn't want to make her say. So I followed his steps and told her about the things I heard from Elena's phone call first. And I assured her that there was nothing wrong between me and Christian, we just had an argument we needed to handle ourselves. She respected that and promised not to interfere, trusting me and her boyfriend.

I wish I could have told her the truth but I didn't feel like it. I decided that distance would be good for me, I needed a clear head and Christian was making me dizzy. As much as I wanted to be close to him, I needed to get away from him if I wanted to do things rightly.

And I couldn't stop wondering if doing the right thing was worth all the trouble.

* * *

"Leila?"

Tiredly I step out of my boots before I place them beside the ones of my roommate. My keys find their usual place in our neon green bowl and I hang my coat on our wardrobe. Leila's keys and boots are present beside mine, indicating that she is somewhere in our apartment.

I find her in her bedroom in front of her easel with a paintbrush and a pallet in her hands and a thoughtful look on her face. The paper is still white, no paint has touched it yet, and I guess that she is probably thinking about what she wants to draw. I haven't seen her use her easel in a long time, she barely has any time with work and a boyfriend.

"Hey, Ana." She greets me without turning her head, her paintbrush's tip is dipped into the orange color of her pallet. I notice that she has changed into her white, long and used shirt – it belonged to her dad – which has paint stains all over its fabric and black and white striped leggings. Apparently some types of paint are not washable.

"What are you painting?" I ask her as I sit down on her bed and throw my purse to the floor, exhausted from a long day of work. Luke and I had lots to do with new, clueless authors and a cranky boss who supervised our every move because he didn't want any mistakes. My neck was stiff from leaning over papers and my laptop all day, my cheek hurt from all the smiling I had to do while greeting new people and my leg and hips ached thanks to Seattle's crowded public transportation. As much as I love to take the bus, sometimes I really hate to stand in it if I can't find a place to sit.

"I have no idea." Leila confesses while she scratches her chin with her lips pursed and her hair pulled into a chaotic bun. Mindlessly she starts circling her paintbrush, dipping it further into the orange color. It reminds me of a sunset. A very sad sunset from a dramatic movie where the woman and the man never get a real chance and have to live separate lives with other people by their side.

"Why are you drawing then?" I ask her while I take off my socks and cross my legs on her bed.

"I don't know. I just had this feeling that I should draw today." She dares to draw a straight line, but grimaces as soon as it is finished. With a silent curse she rips of the piece of paper off her notepad and places her pallet full of reds, blues, yellows and greens on top of her desk.

"You haven't drawn in a really long time." I state while she sits down in her chair.

"Inspiration doesn't hit me as often as it used to. But today at work I felt the need to paint when I met this cute, new artist whose work is going to be presented by us soon. He is just twenty years old, he has his whole life in front of him. His career starts just now and it made me think about how I was at his age. I remember in college I was always drawing, sketching or doodling something, but now I barely touch my paintbrush." She sighs tiredly and plays with a loose strand of hair.

"You talk like you are fifty." I joke.

"I'm nearly thirty, Ana. And I haven't done one of the things I was planning to do. I have never been to New York, I have never sold one painting. I feel like I am stuck. I feel like I have no talent."

I look at her intently and I notice the frustration in her eyes. Leila always has wanted to travel the world, she wanted to see as many different museums as she could. She wanted to see the places her favorite artists painted or got inspired by and unfortunately for her most of these places weren't anywhere near Seattle.

"Just because you haven't sold a painting it doesn't mean that you have no talent. You never have tried to sell one actually. You work at a museum where other people's work is presented." I try to cheer her up. Leila pushes her chair away from her desk with her naked feet, it rolls towards me.

"I have been so busy working for other people that I have forgotten my own dreams."

"If your work makes you unhappy, then change your path." I suggest. "You can count on me. I will have your back."

"You are a really great friend, Ana. I don't know what I would do without you. You are always understanding, always making sure that others are happy. Just don't forget your own happiness, okay?" She looks at me lovingly, caring about me.

"I will if you don't forget your dreams."

Her phone rings suddenly and she gets up with a grin on her face.

"One of them is calling." Leila says after she has looked on her phones screen.

"What's up, baby?" She greets her boyfriend cheerfully, her worries about her dreams and future forgotten. I get up and leave her room, I don't really want to listen to their conversation. Thankfully, they had spent most of their time at his place the last few days, making it easier for me to avoid Christian. Or maybe he wanted to avoid me, too. Either way we were as far as we could get from each other and the times we actually had to be around each other, like last Monday's pizza night with the gang and a movie at his place or Wednesday when he and Leila showed up after work to pick up fresh clothes for her, we kept our mouths shut and our eyes barely met.

I gather my purse from the floor and close the door behind me as I leave her room to go to my own. In there I slip out of my pants and pullover and hunt down my sweats. I am aching to wear them. Just when I have put on my perforated 'too cool for school' t-shirt back from my embarrassing teenage years – it's a miracle it still fits me – Leila knocks on my open door with her phone hold against her ear.

"Christian is coming over with food. He asks what topping you want on your pizza." She looks at me questioningly.

"I don't want pizza. I can cook myself something." I brush her off while I empty the content of my purse like my phone and my wallet on top of my desk. I am a little surprised that he is actually thinking about my needs but I guess he is too much of a gentleman not to.

"She says she doesn't want pizza." I hear Leila say to Christian via her phone.

"He says he can get you something else." She offers to me, but I decline again, not really wanting to thank Christian for the food. That would require us to talk to each other.

"She is being stubborn. Just pick up our stuff and come over. Can we head to the bar afterward or do you have to change clothes at your place first?" I hear her say as she walks away from my door. I follow her to the kitchen where she gets herself a cup of orange juice while I look inside our fridge to find something to eat. My options are pasta or scrambled eggs. I decide for the former because I think I could make myself a yummy sauce with tomatoes, pepper and some cheese.

"Laters." Leila hangs up her phone and sits down at our kitchen isles. "You don't want pizza, huh?"

She sounds suspicious. Deep down I know she is dying to hear more about our fight, but she is too understanding to ask. I appreciate that because I don't how If I could answer her questions. What could I possibly tell her? "I had a fight with your boyfriend who wants to become friends with me but I don't want to be his friend because in reality I have feelings for him?"

I'm not sure if she would like that answer.

Silence is golden.

"Not really." I answer her as I put on a pot of water on the stove.

"Okay." She sighs theatrically. "I will just pretend that it has nothing to do with Christian."

"Thank you."

"You really don't have to tell me. Really."

"Sure."

"I will wait until you guys decide to talk."

"We appreciate that."

"For the love god! Tell me!" Leila suddenly blurts out with her hands squeezed into fists and a determined look on her pretty face. I raise my eyebrows at her.

"I thought you respected our decision?" I ask her challengingly. She rolls her blue eyes at me with an annoyed groan.

"Did you really believe that? You know how curious I am."

"Curious isn't the word I would have used. Nosy is more fitting." I mock her with a playful grin.

She rolls her eyes with pursed lips. "What's the difference? Nosy, curious, snoopy. It's all the same, but don't change the subject. Please, please, please tell me what's happened between you and Christian!"

I lean against the kitchen counter with crossed arms and bite my lip thoughtfully. I doubt that I can tell her the whole truth, but I could probably keep the part with my feelings for him for myself. Here goes nothing.

"Well, Christian and I had a simple conflict." I begin to tell, but Leila being Leila, she interrupts me with a sarcastic comment.

"I wouldn't call it a conflict. You barely looked at each other since Thanksgiving. I think it's more like the Cold War."

"Do you want me to tell you what happened? If yes, then don't interrupt me." I warn her and she nods, looking at me interested in what I have to say.

"Apparently Christian thinks that I let everyone manhandle me. For example when James bugged me at Mia's birthday party. Christian told me that I let him do that instead of telling him off. He also claims that I am too polite for my own good. And.." I hesitate and bite the inner side of my cheek.

"And what?" Leila asks slowly.

"And apparently you guys are also... manhandling me." My voice becomes quieter at the end, like if I'm scared to speak his opinion out loud. "Or more like I am letting you."

"Manhandling?" She tests the word out with a thoughtful expression on her face, her eyes squeezed a little. "How exactly?"

I take a deep breath before I answer her.

"Like my date with Ben. I remember Christian had told you his opinion about that already. He knows that you don't mean any harm, of course! And he's actually only angry at me because I let people do that to me."

"And that's what you fought over on Thursday?" One of her eyebrow is raised doubtfully. I shake my head.

"There was more. I flipped when he accused me of being cowardly polite and told him to mind his own business. I may or may have not told him that he...," I bite my lip before I go on. "He and I aren't friends. And we never will be."

"Oh." Leila lets out, surprised at my confession with her plumb lips formed to an 'O'. "I thought you liked him. You said so when I asked you."

"Yes, I do." If you knew how much I really like him. "As your boyfriend, yes, but when he called me a coward, even if his intentions were pure, I lost my shit. I told him that I don't want to be his friend. Ever."

She looks heartbroken and like she wants to say something, but she stays quiet.

"I mean, Mitch wasn't my friend either and I am kinda doubting that he liked me at all. I think he only bore with me because of you."

I remember her lanky, blonde ex boyfriend and his never ending wish to get rid of me as often as he could. I couldn't blame him for wanting to spend more time with his girlfriend without me present and if I had gotten my way I would have avoided spending time with him, but Leila liked to drag me everywhere they went. At most of our outings I spent listening to their arguments over minor things like the way some random guy looked at Leila or how much cigarettes he smoked whenever he was pissed off.

Leila brushes her hands over her face and I notice that she has painted her nails in a lilac color. I wonder from where she got the nail polish, she has been staying at Christian's and I doubt that he is the type of man who has nail polish collection at his place or maybe she had took one of her own with her.

"Christian isn't Mitch, Ana." Leila explains to me softly. "I love him. You two getting along would make my life a lot easier and yes I know that I can't force you to see him as a good friend, but you guys are barely talking to each other anymore, not even saying hello or goodbye to each other. We especially didn't spend any time here this week because I wanted to give you some time off. I thought some distance would cool off both of your tempers. It did, thank god, but now you guys are awkwardly silent. I love you two, you are the most important people in my life and I don't know how things will work out if you two... are strangers."

She stares down at her hands on the kitchen island counter where her fingers are fumbling around, a typical behavior whenever she's sad. She probably also has tears in her eyes which she doesn't want me to see. Remorsefully I step toward her and grab her hands over the counter, making her stop fumbling and look up. I was right. Tears are burning at the corner of her eyes, tears she doesn't shed often. I don't think I have understood the depth of Leila's feelings for him until now. I had just assumed that while she believed to have fallen in love with him it had been too early for her to know. Leila wasn't like me. She wasn't the love at first sight type of woman, she had to get to know someone before she could start having romantic feelings for him and I had assumed that two months – because that's what it had taken her to recognize her feelings for Christian – wasn't really that much of a long time for her.

But now that she is practically suppressing her tear while her lips are trembling, I can see all of her hearts true content in her eyes.

Love.

She truly loves Christian.

And if she knew that I also loved him it would kill her.

I wasn't going to be the murderer of my best friend.

I wasn't going to kill our friendship.

I would die myself before I let my feelings ruin her life.

"Leila." I whisper with a shaking voice. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. The last thing I wanted was too hurt you. Really. And I will try to be nicer to Christian and less of a stranger, okay?"

Gently I wipe away her hot tears off her cheek with my hands. She looks at me with hopeful eyes.

"Really?"

"For you."

She gives me a thankful smile and hugs me over the counter tightly.

"You have no idea how happy that makes me, Ana. I'm so lucky to have a friend like you."

As I press my face into her perfume scented neck, I can't stop myself from squeezing my eyes tightly in order to suppress my own tears.

Why does her happiness have to be in the way of mine?

Why isn't life fair and easy?

I shake off the thoughts and put on a smile as she lets go off me. She nods toward the stove where my pot of water is boiling.

"You better should start making your food." She tells me.

"Crap. I forgot that." I curse and hurry to one of the cabinets to get myself a package of spaghetti's while Leila chuckles behind my back.

When my spaghetti is are nearly done and Leila has returned to her room to change her outfit, the doorbell to our apartment rings. I am stirring my food in its pot, bored now that I have cut my vegetables and made a fresh sauce out of them, when Leila calls out from her room.

"Ana, can you get it? I'm kind of in the middle of something."

Begrudgingly I get to the door and buzz Christian in. I am debating if I should greet him by the door to make a first move as I promised Leila or if I should use the excuse of my boiling pasta on the stove to run away from him again. Cowardly I chose the latter, but that doesn't stop him from checking up the kitchen first after he has entered the apartment and has stepped out of his shoes. When he notices me standing at our stove, he stops in his movement. I look up instinctively and take in his attire consisting of light jeans and a tight black pullover which makes him look handsome thanks to his light complexion and Calvin Klein supermodel aura with his ruffled hair and his mesmerizing gray eyes. He is carrying two pizza boxes in his hands. On top of them there is a brown paper bag of a restaurant I don't recognize. The smell of the food he brought fills my nostrils, making my stomach grumble hungrily.

"Hi." I say quietly, making him raise his eyebrows, astonished that I actually greeted him for the first time after a week. He places the pizza boxes and the bag on top of our kitchen island before he really looks at me with his piercing eyes. Oh dear.

"Hey." He mumbles back at me while his eyes bore into mine, deeply searching for something. His intent stare makes me squirm.

"Leila's in her bedroom." I explain to him and turn around to face my pot again while I wonder where they will be going because she has been primping herself studiously. "She's getting ready or something."

He leaves the kitchen without saying anything else and the next thing I hear is how he closes the door to Leila's bedroom. I don't know why that angers me, I think to myself as I splash some water on the hot stove because I stirred the spaghetti more furiously than needed. The water hisses as it hits the hot stove plate, just like the jealousy running through my veins does.

"Fuck." I mumble when I accidentally burn my fingertip with hot water. I start sucking on it before I hold it under running cold water at our sink. While I welcome the coolness on my aching finger, my ears are peaked when I hear Leila squeal loudly. The sound is followed by their laughter and what I would define as the sound of my broken heart.

I try my best to ignore their sounds, giving my simple task of sieving my pasta more attention than it actually needs.

Control your emotions, Ana.

I have made myself a plate of spaghetti and my go-to tomatoes-pepper-and-garlic-sauce and got myself a glass of orange juice when Christian and Leila leave her room. His hair looks more chaotic than it had already been and her cheeks are flushed deep crimson. I try not to think of the reason for their attire while I sit down on one of our bar stools. They chat about the pizza place Christian got the food from as they each open their pizza boxes and get themselves glasses. Leila gives him a kiss when she notices that he actually didn't forget about her aversion against mushrooms on her pizza. He blushes a little when our eyes cross after their kiss. I quickly look away, not wanting to embarrass him.

Suddenly Christian places the brown paper bag in front of me.

I look up from my plate with some spaghetti swaddled around my fork. He's smiling at me shyly. Christian and shy. This is a first.

"This is for you." He says and pushes the paper bag closer toward me. Instinctively my eyes dart to it, the curiosity to find out about its content is burning in my fingertips. Then I look up at him questioningly.

"Chicken wings." He says again.

"What?"

"The best chicken wings in the whole area to be exact. Remember we talked about them at Ernie's? You said that you don't like them because they taste funny and I told you that if you tried these you would regret your words."

A vague memory of him and me sitting at a booth in Ernie's diner comes to my mind. I can remember having talked about Leila that day, but I certainly must have forgotten talking about my food quirks.

I am surprised that he remembers.

My eyebrows raise up in shock and I slowly lay down my fork and spoon before I grab the paper bag. My expression makes him think that he needs to give me further explanations because he starts rambling on again.

"You said you didn't want pizza and I thought that maybe you would like to try out these, but you don't have to if you don't want to it was just an idea." His ears pink as he gazes down at the bag between us.

Leila laughs. "For the love of god. The way you ramble on, one might think you are asking her out for prom."

She has sat down beside me with her own pizza in front of her and has already taken a huge bite of one slice. My best friend has an healthy appetite. There were times were a certain bastard named Mitch had made her lose it but thankfully we were now back to normal again. I didn't need her wasting away once again because of another heartbreak.

Tentatively I peek inside the bag from where yummy smells of honey, various spices and chicken come from. Inside I find a plastic box and a smaller package with the imprint 'sweet chilly dip' written on it. I take them out slowly and place them beside my plate.

"Thanks, Christian." I smile at him.

"You're welcome, Ana."

And I think this was Christian's kind of olive branch.

A peace offering in form of true to his word tasty Chicken wings.

* * *

Two hours later we are seated at a booth at Seatdown with Mia, Ethan, Kate and Elliott. The latter two are currently cuddling and being playful in an embarrassingly cute way. It's good to see them happy together after their long needed talk. I'm happy for my friend. My plans of spending my Friday night in front of TV or with a good book fell through as soon as Leila started bugging me until I agreed to accompany her and the others to our traditional outing at Seatdown our local bar, but now that I was here, I didn't regret agreeing.

"Luke just wrote me a text." Mia exclaims cheerfully with heated cheeks thanks to the Cosmos she drank while she excitedly taps her open palm against the table. "He's on his way with his new girlfriend. He finally wants to introduce us to her."

In her excitement, Mia nearly knocks over Ethan's beer. Her husband-to-be gives her a loving look as he places his glass away from her nervous hands.

"What was her name again?" Leila asks, who sits beside Christian across from me. He has thrown an arm over her shoulders. Our eyes cross, but we look away. Even if he has kinda offered me a peace offering and I have accepted it, we still are totally awkward in each others presence. I decide to give it time.

"Andrea." I answer my best friend. "They met one morning in the bus. She was the reason he was late for work that day."

"Oh. That's kinda cute. Especially for Luke." Mia sighs as she plays with a broken shell of a peanut in front of her.

"Not as cute as these two are." Christian whispers and nods towards Kate and Elliott who aren't listening to our conversation. "Really cute. Sickeningly cute." He makes a gagging face, making the rest of us chuckle. That catches Kate's attention.

"What are you guys laughing at?" She asks curiously and looks up from Elliott's neck which she has been molesting with her not so chaste kisses, driving poor Elliott crazy in the process. I'm betting that they will have sex tonight even if Kate had thought about taking things slow, but Kate never has been the most patient person.

Her question makes us laugh louder. She fumes at us angrily, now understanding that they were the cause for our amusement. Arrogantly she flips us off and starts kissing her new man fully now. We cheer them on.

Half an hour and another pitcher of beer later, Luke and Andrea finally arrive. His new girlfriend is a perky, blonde haired woman with thin, pink lips and dark brown eyes. She is all smiles and hugs as she greets us. I remember his ex, Natalie, wasn't as nice as her even though we hang out together constantly. I hope Andrea stays this nice.

Luke and she take their seats and order their drinks. We get to know her a little bit. She is originally from New York, she's an orthodontist and she's a cat person. Her favorite movies are the 'Star Wars trilogy' and if she had to chose between being eaten by a tiger or listening to Justin Bieber, she would gladly cut herself into pieces to make it easier for the tiger to eat her. I like her already.

"I'll get the next round." I say laughingly at one of Luke's anecdotes as I get up. He's really trying to impress her, his eyes are never leaving her and he's hanging on every word that leaves her lips. I kinda miss that feeling. Andrea and Mia tell me that they would like to have Vodka Tonics while the rest of the gang still wants beer.

"I'll help you."

Suddenly Christian is on his feet, startling me with his interest in helping me. I feel his stare on my face and of course, I blush heavily. Crap. I fidget with the hem of my shirt while I shake my head.

"No need to." I mumble, feeling the stares of the others now, too.

"The pitchers are heavier than you think." He jokes and puts an end to my protest. We walk up to the bar with him a few steps behind me where José, the owner of our favorite bar, greets us with a teeth showing smile.

"What can I get you?" He asks us with a nod while drying some glasses with a kitchen towel.

"Two pitchers of beer on tap, please and two more Vodka Tonics." Christian orders while I stand silently beside him. José goes to hunt down our order, leaving us standing awkwardly at the bar. I lean against the counter and cross my arms on top of it. From the corner of my eye I see how Christian copies my posture with his eyes staring at the different types of bottles on the shelves over the bar.

"This sucks!" Christian blurts out suddenly, taking me by surprise. I turn my head and give him a questioning look.

"What do you mean?" This might turn into the very first real conversation we had since Thanksgiving.

"Not talking to you."

"We are talking now, aren't we?" I ask dumbly, feeling extremely stupid because it sounds passive aggressive and sarcastic. I didn't mean to do that.

He rolls his eyes. His pretty, gray eyes which are driving me crazy whenever I look into them more than five seconds.

"You know that's not what I meant, Ana."

"I know. Sorry." I look down at my fingers for a second and bite my tongue, feeling guilty to have pissed him off.

"Tell me it wasn't a total shit week for you? The last week without talking to you was the worst time of my life Ana and, I know you don't want to be friends with me, but I think it's a little bit late for that. We're friends already." He ruffs his hair. He looks frustrated.

"Christian, I.." I gulp hardly. "I don't hate you."

"Then what is it, Ana?" His eyes are widen now. "Why are you fighting against our friendship?"

"I didn't mean it. Well, kind of. I was just angry because you were telling me all this stuff I didn't want to hear and I just wanted to... push you away. Like I always do." I mumble guiltily. This is also the first time I have admitted it to myself. "And I am sorry for the things I have said. I was too angry to think rationally. That never has happened to me before and it won't happen again."

He looks at me intently. "You mean you let your emotions affect your decisions? You didn't do what your brain wanted you to do?"

"I guess." I shrug with my shoulders."I'm really sorry about it."

"Don't be. You should never be sorry for your emotions and I also said stuff I shouldn't have said, stuff I regret. I guess that makes us even." Shyly he smiles again. I nod and blush heavily under his stare.

"It was just frustrating. All of sudden we were fighting and I hated it. I don't want to fight with you, I want to spend time with you like good friends do." He goes on. This nervous rambling it seems to be a new nervous habit.

"Tell you what. How about another 'Christian and Ana' day? Remember our trip to the book fair? It helped us to get comfortable with each other. Why not do something like that again?" He suggests with an excited grin.

"Like what?" I furrow my brows, thinking of the possibilities. I have a feeling Christian can get creative when it comes to surprise me.

"How about... Christmas shopping?"

* * *

 **Next chapter: Christmas shopping with Ana and Christian, talk about dreams and the future, and other cute stuff.**

 **Laters**


	14. Chapter 14

**Long time, no see.**

 **Don't hate me, please. I know, it took me a month (some might say that it felt like 100 years, but some people love to exaggerate :P ) and it is short and kinda not important stuff in this chapter, well some bonding but the real deal is in the next one. I decided to cut it in half because I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer.**

 **Thanks for reviewing, thanks for keeping up with me.**

 **NOT BETAED!**

* * *

 **14\. Friends and foes: I**

"Knock, knock."

I look up from my laptop's screen and meet the gray eyes of Christian who is standing by the door to my office with his one hand raised and knocking against the wood. He is dressed in dark blue pants, a white shirt, a gray jacket and sneakers.

"Hey." I greet him with a smile, turning my laptop off. "You really didn't have to pick me up. We could have met at the mall."

He shakes his head. "Nonsense. I practically work next door. You ready to go?"

"Yeah. Just need to get my purse."

We head out, making small talk on our way to his car parked in my office's garage. Our destination is the 'Shellbridge Mall' in the heart of Seattle where Christian and I will try to find Christmas presents for our dearest and nearest. He had asked me to accompany him as a figurative olive branch, a way to bond, something that would make us friends again. I hoped that this was the last time we had to do something to rebuild our friendship, I hoped that I wouldn't do something to ruin our friendship ever again. From now on, I was pushing down all kind of feelings. Call me a coward if you want to, but I wouldn't ruin my best friend's happiness just because of some stupid feelings caused by this unbelievably handsome, kind, polite, sometimes frustrating man.

I don't know what made me fall in love with him.

I just remember that suddenly I was sure that he was the right one, the knight in the shining armor, my lobster – I should stop rewatching 'Friends', Phoebe's voice was practically singing 'Smelly Cat' in my head - as soon as he walked into 'Seatdown' on a Friday night months ago. One look had been enough to make the butterflies in my stomach go crazy, to make my synapses explode with sensation, to make him the center of my being.

And after I got to know him, after I saw how compassionate, caring, intense, clever and lovable he was, these feelings only got stronger.

I just hoped that they wouldn't be the reason for my demise.

Christian and I have a quick lunch at one of these snack bars inside the mall building made of steel, glass and wood. I enjoy a pastrami sandwich, while he has a pasta salad with all kind of vegetables. He notices my frown when he munches on some cut pickles.

"Please don't tell me that you hate pickles." He asks playfully shocked, a hand at his chest in a wounded gesture.

"Hate is a strong word. I would say that I am not very fond of them." I shrug, taking a bite of my sandwich.

"I shouldn't be shocked. You always surprise me with your peculiar eating habits."

We leave the snack bar and start our gift hunt at a beauty shop. I pack out my special Christmas presents list out of my purse where I have neatly scribbled down my ideas for each of my friends. Christian peeks over my shoulder to get a look of my list.

"That's cheating." I warn him with a smirk. "I am here to help you to find gifts, that doesn't mean you can steal mine."

He raises his hands with his palms facing me, a huge grin on his face. "I was just getting some ideas. No need to arrest me, sheriff."

I stop when we pass the sweet smelling perfume aisle, my eyes searching for the one I have written on my sheet. It's Mia's favorite and I know that she is in need of a new bottle.

"Okay, first rule: If there is one thing you should know about Mia, she likes any kind of beauty products." I explain to him while holding the bottle of perfume toward him. "For example, this is her favorite perfume. She didn't use anything else beside in the last few years."

"So you mean I should get her something of these stuff?" He gestures toward the various aisles with everything from lipsticks to concealer. "Seems a little impersonal. I kinda want to make a good impression, you know."

"Trust me, we already like you. You don't need to woo us." He blushes a little and scratches his neck when I smile at him. "Besides the only way to Mia's heart is to give her something she loves. How do you think Ethan wooed her?"

He makes a thoughtful face. "So, if you are buying her the perfume she uses the most, what would you recommend me to buy her?"

"I know from a good source that Mia would love to have a new eyeshadow palette." Ethan had been nice enough to go through his fiancees make-up supplies for me. It had confused him a little - "Why would you need a nude colored lipstick? Your lips' are already nude colored, aren't they?" - but with my great patience we had managed to find out what Mia needed. I knew she loved practical gifts more than the personal ones.

I have always loved to go Christmas shopping.

I loved it to buy my friends and my parents gifts, eager to see their reactions when they ripped open the neatly packed surprise, to see their with joy filled eyes when they noticed that I had been successful with finding the right gift for them. Logically, Christmas shopping was also something I enjoyed very much. Usually I would take a day off from work and go to a present hunt with my list of ideas in my hands. The list was something I had started doing years ago. I used it to collect ideas based on the things my friends told me over the last few months before Christmas.

Some people were easy to guess. Mia and Kate for example, they loved anything which could be found in the cosmetic department. Or Luke who would be thrilled to have the newest box of 'Orange is the new Black'. Then there were people like Leila and Ethan, people who were hard to guess and took me a little longer even if they were my best friends. Ethan had various interests, he was a little nerd who loved every thing about history and comics but he could be snobby and picky. I usually asked Mia for help.

Leila was a little different.

She was happy with whatever you got her. Well, she pretended to be happy in order not to break your heart. That's what made buying gifts for her so hard, you wanted her to be happy without her thinking about your feelings. She didn't like fancy things, she was glamorous but she was a foe of brands - "I will not be a victim of capitalism!" She always said whenever Mia suggested to buy something from one of these ridiculously expensive clothing stores with fancy names -, and she wouldn't have a problem with a present from Walmart.

I had a few ideas for her. I kinda wanted to buy her new supplies since she was painting new pictures again, but I also wanted to surprise her. It wasn't a really big surprise when the artist gets a new box of colors or something, but it was never bad to be safe than sorry. Another idea was to get her a few things of her favorite local artist, a guy who started as a street artist made sculptures out of paper. I had done research online, his atelier wasn't far away and he had great pieces that didn't cost a fortune because he shared the opinion that art should be made for everyone and not just for the people who had money. I loved his mentality.

"Ana, help me." Christian whines, holding two different samples of eyeshadow in his hands. "What are smokey eyes?"

I have to giggle at his frustrated expression.

After a while we found a new eyeshadow pallet – and yes, it was for smokey eyes – for Mia, three new lipsticks for Kate and a perfume for Luke. Afterward we wander around the mall, I find matching honeymooners t-shirts for Ethan and Mia and new chess set for Ethan. Christian insists on buying Ethan a new book set about the Roman Empire even if I tell him that it costs a fortune. I wonder how much he earns, not having a clue how much technicians earn in the current economy.

"I have to be honest, Ana. I have no clue what to get Leila. It's our first Christmas together and I really want it to be special. That's why I want to get her something that will blow her mind, something that she always wanted. It doesn't have to be physically big, but it should be meaningful." He explains to me, ruffing his hair, as we walk out of a store. We walk past a large group of females, who look at him with hungry eyes, checking him out. I feel the need to push them into a shop window when jealousy raises its ugly head. I don't know why I never feel this jealous whenever he and Leila are being cute around me, but I guess I just grant my best friend the happiness with him.

"Leila is easy. She doesn't like fancy things, she doesn't except from you to buy her jewelry or something. Whatever you will get her, she will be happy."

"Really?" Christian asks me with a doubtful tone. "Even if I buy her an Xbox or a Playstation?"

"Well, she will pretend to be happy and if you are lucky she will also play a few things on them just to make you happy. But she won't throw a fit because of a gift she doesn't particularly like." I remember four years ago on Christmas, Ethan bought her a 12-hour long documentary on the Civil War, she had watched the whole thing just to make him happy.

"The thing is there is still so much I don't know about her, obviously we haven't been together that long, and she has thrown hints that her present for me will rock my world, so you can guess that there is a lot of pressure on my shoulders. I want to show her that I care, that I listen and that I am the boyfriend she deserves."

I try my best to ignore the feeling that his confession cause. The way he cares about Leila is not good for my poor, gentle heart, but I am a big girl and big girls don't cry. At least not in public.

"Are you thinking that you don't deserve her?" I ask him with a frown. I don't understand him, I mean Leila is great, but he is Christian. He is passionate, caring, intelligent, funny and a gentle soul. I love that he always tries to achieve 110%.

"It's just, Leila… is perfect. Sometimes it's hard to keep up." Christian says, looking down at his feet, his hands in his jeans pockets. It hurts me to see him this vulnerable.

"Leila adores you. She thinks that the ground you are walking on is holy." I assure him.

"I'm not saying that she is the one who puts pressure on my shoulders. She is too perfect to do that." He mumbles, gray eyes looking anywhere but into mine.

"Oh." I say, now understanding what he was trying to say. "It's you. You are the one who is making himself anxious and nervous. Christian, you don't have to be intimidated by Leila. She would be crushed if she found out."

"I know, I know. It's stupid of me to think that way, but Leila means so much too me. I don't want to fail this." Christian brushes over his face with his hands in a tired gesture, his posture hunched.

"If it makes you feel better, I also have difficulties to get Leila a present each year. She isn't picky, but sometimes that's worse." I smile at him, hoping to encourage him. I succeed, he gives me a relieved grin.

"And here I was planning to get a look of your list to steal your idea. Dammit." He mocks me playfully and I give his shoulder a light punch.

"Ouch. That could have killed me." Christian brings his hand to his chest, looking at me hurt and shocked. I only roll my eyes at him. Sometime he is such a dork.

"Come on. We still have to buy my mum a new teapot and tea cups." Her newest hobby is to make her own tea and to try various flavors. Ray said she is at the local tea shop at least twice every day.

"You will be at their place over Christmas, right?" Christian asks as we make our way to the closest household supply store.

"Yes, and over New Year's Eve. I will be back in January." I miss my parents, especially whenever my mum uses her classic guilt trips, and I have the feeling that going out of Seattle will be good for me. The whole Christian-Leila-Ana triangle is exhausting.

"Oh. We won't be together on Christmas and New Year's Eve?" He says with a pout, dragging his foot. He sounds sad.

"Maybe next year." And I say this, I wonder what will happen until next year. Will they still be together? I try to suppress the saddening thoughts.

"Do you want coffee?" Christian asks me, pointing to a Starbucks close by, after we leave the store with a new tea pot for my mum. I delightedly agree, and soon I am sitting on a green chair while Christian buys our drinks. He insists on paying, I agree with a frown. I watch him chat with an old woman at the line, making small talk while giving her polite smiles. I love that he isn't arrogant, he talks with everyone the same way, never treating someone as if they are less than him.

"Lots of milk, no sugar. Ew." He makes a disgusted face as he places my cup of coffee in front of me. He has bought something overly sugary with lots of whipped cream for himself.

"Ew, too." I say and point at his tall cup. "That's liquid caries."

"It's damn good, so stop sugar shaming me." He fires back and quickly sticks out his tongue toward me, before his eyes wander around the coffee shop to check if somebody caught him doing something childish. I snicker into my coffee and nearly choke on it.

"So, Leila." He begins, stirring his drink with a spoon. "What will we do with her gift?"

"Hmm." I purse my lips, and pat the table with my fingers. "Let me think."

"Do your magic." He says with a grin.

"Well, originally I had thought about buying her a new set of brushes, but there is this artist whom she really likes. He makes sculptures out of paper and they are affordable. I had thought buying her one of these. But if you want to, you can buy her that. I can look for something else." I tell him with a shrug.

"No, no, no. I'm not stealing your idea." He shakes his head with a stern look. "That would make me an asshole."

"Okay, if you say so. What about… a new painting? I'm sure we could find something in.."

He interrupts me. "Resembles your gift."

"Yeah, you're right." I sigh jadedly. "You could get her one of these high tech plant pots."

It's a desperate idea, but I try my luck.

"Not very romantic."

"For someone who is in a desperate need of a gift idea for his girlfriend, you are very picky." I point out.

"I just want to make her dreams come true, okay?" Christian pouts, crossing his arms at his chest. He looks like petulant child, how cute.

"Her dreams, you say." I mumble under my breath. "Aha."

"What is it?"

"I think I have an idea." I whisper as if the idea could fly away out of my head.

"Tell me."

"Leila loves photography. She loves to take photos of us, basically of everything around her." I bite my lip, already excited because of my idea.

"Go on, Ana." Christian leans forward over the table with widen eyes, watching me like I am the answer to all questions.

"You know the Polaroids in her bedroom? The ones of us and stuff? She has dreamed about having pictures of different locations like New York, Paris and Amsterdam since forever because she wanted to see all the places her favorite artists got inspired by. You could buy her a new camera, a photo album and fill it with pictures of you two. Plus she could add the pictures she makes from New York and stuff when she visits them. I know that isn't original or something, and everybody does something like this at some point of their life, but it's personal and romantic, right?" I ask him with a huge grin on my face.

"This is… such a good idea." He exclaims, clapping his hands excitedly once, before raising his hand toward me. I high five him. "See? This is what I meant. I still have so much to find out about her, like her dreams and stuff."

"You have time for that. Don't worry." I manage to smile, even though the thought that they have all the time of the world is saddening. I want my friend to be happy, and if he makes her happy, then I want her to be with him. But why does her happiness has to make me sad? Cut it, Ana. Suppress your emotions.

"Do you have a dream like that?" He asks me curiously.

"Well, everybody does. Mine would be to publish a book." I say with a nonchalant shrug. "It's very stupid."

"Why? If you want to write a book, then do it." Christian says encouragingly, his gray eyes looking at me intently.

"Please" I snort. "Who would read the things I write?"

"I would. Even if it is about something like sugar-free diet. I would be your crazy stalker fan." He jokes around, making me laugh.

"Did you know that sugar is addictive? You keep mentioning it. Should I be worried?"

"No sugar at all is also not very healthy, Miss Know-it-all." He winks at me. "Maybe you should write a facts book. '100 Facts about everything that is fun, but not healthy' or something."

"Maybe I will. I will write it so poorly that you will regret having promised me to read whatever I write."

He acts like he has no idea I am talking about with his two hands raised. "I never said such thing."

I giggle with heated cheeks. "You did."

"I certainly can't remember."

"Sure."

We laugh silently and take a sip of our drinks, watching the other customers ordering their coffees and little cupcakes that taste like pure bliss but cost a fortune. Then I remember something.

"What is your dream? You asked me mine, so tell me yours."

"Is that the censored version of 'I showed you mine, now show me yours'?" He asks me, laughing at his own joke.

"Something like that. But don't change the topic." I warn him playfully with a raised finger.

"It will sound stupid, but if you really want to know, I will tell you my secret dream. I wanted to become a pilot or at least fly some gliders or a cool helicopter." His ears pink as he scratches his neck, embarrassed because of his confessions.

"Why don't you take classes for it?"

"Because I am not some wealthy billionaire CEO like my boss. It's too expensive."

After we finish our drinks, Christian and I head down to the electronics store in the first floor of the mall, where we find Leila a new Nikon camera and a new photo album. I promise Christian to give him some of Leila's former pictures of us, so he can add them into it. Back in the car, we listen to some pop song out of the radio, while he drives me back to my office.

"Leila has the vernissage this Friday, right?" I try to make small talk.

"Yeah. She is super excited." He answers, the sarcasm audible in his voice. Leila has stated that she would rather spend an evening with hungry lions than at work on a Friday night. "Thank god, my presence isn't needed. I'm going to have drinks with Jason and John."

"No Elliott?" I ask.

"No, he has a double date with Kate, Ethan and Mia. Saying that he is nervous would be an understatement." Christian rolls his eyes with a sigh.

"Why is he nervous?" I furrow my brows. I thought they were past their nervous phase by now.

"Apparently, Ethan had a serious talk with him last week-end, telling him not to break Kate's heart and stuff."

"Ethan? Really? I can't imagine him being all serious and big brother and stuff." I giggle at the thought of bulky Elliott being intimidated by Ethan.

"Yeah, Elliott said he was really scary, but I guess he is probably just exaggerating." Christian shakes his head. "I really hope things work out for him and Kate."

"Me too."

"But hey, if you don't have any plans for Friday, you could join us. We will be at Seatdown, drinking beer, talking about the great female mind." He smiles at me as he stops at a red light.

"I have a date with a movie and a bottle of wine, thanks." I love to spend time alone, it relaxes me.

Christian parks the car near my office after a few minutes. We say our good bye's and he takes me by surprise when he hugs me.

I try not to enjoy his arms around me.

* * *

Friday evening I have dinner with Luke and Andrea at a Chinese restaurant not far from my place. Without a loud Mia and a nosy Kate present it's easier for me and Andrea to get to know each other. We talk a little about the weather, then our plans on Christmas and New Year's Eve, and also our aversion against some books made into movies. After dinner I say goodbye to the new couple, knowing that they have plans to watch a band perform in a bar, and head home where a bottle of wine, a movie and popcorn awaits me.

 **This is such a waste of time. His pictures aren't even good.**

 **L x**

I snicker at Leila's latest text, carrying the bowl of popcorn to our living room where my bottle of red wine is already waiting for me with 'the Martian' already put into our DVD player. I sit down on the floor with my legs underneath our coffee table and press play on the remote control.

 **Be nice. He is a young artist, he will learn with time.**

 **A x**

Her answer comes within a few seconds.

 **I don't understand why my boss thought it would be a good idea to throw this thing. People are leaving already!**

 **L x**

 **Isn't that a good thing for you? Didn't you want to come home?**

 **A x**

 **Well, yes. But if this night ends as a disaster, I will be the one whose ass gets kicked. I have to save the evening. Laters.**

 **L x**

I'm sure if there is someone who can make boring photographs of landscapes look interesting then it is Leila. If only her boss would see the real potential in her, too. I take a sip of my wine and munch on my snacks, now focusing on the movie.

An hour later when Matt Damon is stuck somewhere on the Red Planet and is fertilizing his potatoes with his own excretion, there is little tap on the door. I look up from the TV screen, confused because of my surprise guest. When I open the door, I am face to face with Mr. Grey himself.

"Christian." I let out. He smiles at me shyly, carrying a six pack of beer.

"Boo." He makes with his mouth formed into an 'O'. One hand ruffs his copper colored hair while he looks at me questioningly. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." I make room for him and close the door behind him. "I thought you were going out with the guys."

"Yeah, plans changed." He answers while taking off his shoes and his jacket, handing the six pack over to me in the process. I clutch it against my chest, feeling the coldness of the glass bottles over the fabric of my shirt.

"And I thought, we could keep each other company since everyone else is busy." Christian shrugs at me. "Unless you don't want to."

"No, we can keep each other company."

* * *

 **Next time: serious talking needs to be done, friendly bonding, karaoke, and other stuff.**

 **See ya!**


	15. Chapter 15

**2 months? 1 month? Longer?**

 **Hopefully the wait is worth it ;)**

 **Thanks to my beta and my prereader and all the girls who have been whipping my ass for the past two months.**

 **And thanks for keeping up with me and leaving my pathetic butt a review :-* You are the best!**

* * *

 **15\. Friends and foes: II**

Friday evening I was having dinner with Luke and Andrea at a Chinese restaurant not far from my place. Without a loud Mia and a nosy Kate present it's easier for me and Andrea to get to know each other. We talk a little about the weather, then our plans on Christmas and New Year's Eve and also our aversion against some books made into movies. After dinner I say goodbye to the new couple, knowing that they have plans to watch a band perform in a bar and head home where a bottle of wine, a movie and popcorn awaits me.

 **This is such a waste of time. His pictures aren't even good.**

 **L x**

I snicker at Leila's latest text, carrying the bowl of popcorn to our living room where my bottle of red wine is already waiting for me with 'The Martian' already put into our DVD player. I sit down on the floor with my legs underneath our coffee table and press play on the remote control.

 **Be nice. He's a young artist, he will learn with time.**

 **A x**

Her answer comes within a few seconds.

 **I don't understand why my boss thought it would be a good idea to throw this thing. People are leaving already!**

 **L x**

 **Isn't that a good thing for you? Didn't you want to come home?**

 **A x**

 **Well, yes. But if this night ends as a disaster, I will be the one whose ass gets kicked. I have to save the evening. Laters.**

 **L x**

I'm sure if there is someone who can make boring photographs of landscapes look interesting then it is Leila. If only her boss would see the real potential in her, too. I take a sip of my wine and munch on my snacks, now focusing on the movie.

An hour later when Matt Damon is stuck somewhere on the Red Planet and is fertilizing his potatoes with his own excretion, there is little tap on the door. I look up from the TV screen, confused because of my surprise guest. When I open the door, I am face to face with Mr. Grey himself.

"Christian." I let out. He smiles at me shyly, carrying a six pack of beer.

"Boo." He makes with his mouth formed into an 'O'. One hand ruffs his copper colored hair while he looks at me questioningly. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." I make room for him and close the door behind him. "I thought you were going out with the guys."

"Yeah, plans changed." He answers while taking off his shoes and his jacket, handing the six pack over to me in the process. I clutch it against my chest, feeling the coldness of the glass bottles over the fabric of my shirt.

"And I thought, we could keep each other company since everyone else is busy." Christian shrugs at me. "Unless you don't want to."

"No, we can keep each other company."

* * *

"What are you watching?" Christian asks me as his hand disappears in the popcorn bowl to get himself a handful. He grimaces as he chews on some of the salty popcorn I have made.

"Of course you hate sweet popcorn. Frustrating woman." He shakes his head, but doesn't stop eating even if I made them extra salty.

"You should know me by now and I'm watching 'The Martian'." I say, pressing play and turning up the volume. "Have you watched it before?"

"Yes, it's a good one. Do you want some beer?" He asks me as he leans forward to get a bottle off the coffee table. Then he stands up, heading toward our kitchen, probably looking for a bottle opener. He finds one in the drawer with spoons, knives and forks.

"No, thanks. I'm sticking to wine." I raise my glass toward him when he sits down and we clink glasses – well bottles in his case.

"Cheers."

"Cheers."

I feel awkward, the situation feels too much like two buddies hanging out, but hadn't I promised myself to be nothing but friends with him? Friendly activities like sitting at home, watching a movie while having beer and wine shouldn't feel awkward or tense. Or maybe I am the one who is awkward and tense.

I look at Christian from the corner of my eye. He looks rather relaxed, sitting low on the couch beside me with his long legs stretched out and crossed at his ankles. I blush a little as I see that his red t-shirt has risen up at his sides, showing the light flesh of his hips where his boxers are peeking out of his jeans.

I am surprised that he can be that at ease with me after our fight at Thanksgiving, even after our Christmas Shopping trip we did a few days ago. I mean, yes, we had fun and we were surprisingly comfortable, but we didn't really talk about our situation. Okay, we didn't talk about it at all. Shouldn't we though? There were things I needed to say to him, especially after my hateful stunt at his parent's place where I confirmed that we weren't meant to be friends. Wasn't he dying with curiosity? One second I was telling him that we weren't friends, the next I was having beer and watching a movie with him. Did he think about me at all, or didn't he care? He had to care, it had been his idea to go Christmas shopping. Maybe he had just wanted me to help him with Leila's present

Mood killer.

"I wonder how it is to be alone on a planet." Christian suddenly says, taking me by surprise. His eyes are focused on the screen, his fingers tracing the rim of his beer bottle.

"I would rather not find out." I joke, always having feared the thought of the endless galaxy.

"I thought you liked to spend some time alone." He gives me a questioning look from the corner of his eye.

"Well, yes, but not on a planet where nothing grows or I can't go anywhere else. Besides I wouldn't be able to grow my own potatoes, I would starve to death." Plants have a little time of life in my hands.

"Well, what if you had enough to live for two years, would you do it?" Christian asks me, placing his bottle on the coffee table. He gets a handful of popcorn before staring at me. I contemplate the sweet temptation of complete silence against the fear of going insane, my answer is simple.

"I wouldn't. I like to be alone from time to time, yes, but I would feel extremely lonely." I would miss my parents, my friends and most importantly him. It has been a long time since I have missed a man, in the past I unfortunately had missed the wrong ones. Well, Christian wasn't exactly the right one either.

"If I could take enough provisions and if I could take one person with me, I would." He admits with a nod.

"I don't think Leila would spend one single second up there." I laugh, imagining my best friend in a white spacesuit.

"I never said I would take Leila with me." He mumbles, taking a sip of his drink.

"You wouldn't?" I ask, surprised and sinfully happy. Hope rises in me, it's silly, it's childish, but it's there and it hurts.

"I would take my cousin with me. Ella." The movie is forgotten by now, our conversation is far more alluring than the action on TV. I place my glass of neglected wine onto the coffee table.

"You must like her very much if you chose her over Leila." I say with a smile.

"I do. I did." He looks down, a frown on his face, his hands squeezing the beer bottle tightly.

"You guys aren't talking anymore?" I ask him, confused why he would take her to another planet if he isn't speaking with her. But Christian surprises me when he tells me a totally different story than I expected.

"My cousin, Ella, killed herself a couple of years ago. She was depressed and an addict." He whispers with a shaking voice, his eyes staring intently at the water drops of his bottle, catching them with his fingertip.

"Oh. I'm sorry." I say, slowly reaching out to touch his hand. My fingers burn when our skins touch, the butterflies in my stomach start dancing a wild round of tango. The little beasts are pretty good at that.

"She ran away from home, fell in love with some guy who dragged her into his evil surroundings. Drugs, prostitution, and lots of more things that were the reason for her demise. He abused her, like the monster that he was, and what's worse, she let him because she was in love with him. Her parents tried to talk sense into her, begged her to come back, to leave him, but she rather stayed with him even if he was beating her every day, even if he cheated on her constantly."

"People do the most irrational things when they are in love." I say, thinking about all the books about that damn thing called love I have read, thinking about all of my favorite heroines and heroes who have fought battles, killed people and - what's worse - have forgotten to be themselves just because of the God given curse: love. I have never been the bravest person, I knew that I never fought for the things I wanted, I would rather make someone else happy than to get what I wanted. I doubted that I would ever change. But in every book I had read the heroes and heroines had to be brave, to be selfless to get their love.

"I don't understand it. I didn't understand her, I was mad at her for so long." Christian mumbles, taking a sip of his drink angrily.

"Love isn't something you can understand, Christian. It's something you feel."

"I don't think I want to feel something that makes me do the things she did." The sadness is audible in his voice, he still suffers because of her death. It breaks my heart to see him like this.

"Sadly sometimes love brings out the worst in us. It's up to you if you let it." I hope that I would be able to resist the demon on my shoulder, telling me to kiss him, to take him away from my best friend.

"She was too weak and he knew that." Christian says while squeezing my hand in his. He links our fingers in an intimate way. "I doubt that he really loved her."

"You can never be sure." I whisper, my eyes on our hands, where skins touch, where fireworks explode.

He furrows his brows, his mouth a displeased line. "If he had really loved her, he never would have treated her the way he did."

"You don't know what kind of demons he had to deal with or the demons of your cousin."

He looks at me in shock, awe maybe but I can't really tell the difference. "How can you feel pity for him? He was a monster."

"I am one of these people who believe that everyone has something good inside, even if it's small."

"You're an optimist."

"I try to be."

"Well, I'm not. I'm as brutally realistic as somebody can be. He was a monster. I hate him for that. I hate him for ruining Ella's life. I hate him for taking her away from us."

And I love you for the way you care about your dearest.

"You have the right to be angry at him, but don't let hate blind you, Christian." I say. He chuckles lightly, squeezing my hand again and giving me a thankful look.

"My mum always says that."

"See? Women are wise." I say jokingly, making him roll his eyes while grinning.

"She really liked you, by the way. I'm officially inviting you to her annual Christmas party. She said, and I am quoting, 'ask Ana to come too'." He lets go of my hand and leans back in his seat. I feel kinda empty when we loose contact.

"I would love to, but I will be at my parents' over Christmas and New Year's Eve." Mum is already freaking out, planning different activities for the both of us.

"But you will be back in the New Year, right?" He asks me and I nod.

"We'll miss you over the holidays, Ana. It won't be the same without you." He looks at the TV. "You can turn it off if you want to. Talking with you is far more interesting than a space movie."

"Okay." I turn the DVD player off and switch to a music channel, lowering the volume so some pop song runs in the background. I am fearing that he will be able to hear the rapid beating of my heart if we sit in complete silence.

"I thought you were hanging out with the guys tonight." I cross my legs underneath me and lean back with my glass of wine in my hands again. I nip at it, licking my lips afterwards. He brushes his face with his hands, sighing loudly.

"Yeah, that was the plan, but then.."

"Then what?"

He shakes his head. "It's nothing. Just a discussion between me and Jack."

The mention of Jack reminds me of our fight on Thanksgiving, the things I have said and the things I have felt. Our hurtful words have driven a wedge between us. I hoped to get rid of it.

"What was it about?"

"Nothing important." He says and puts an end to that topic. I feel that he doesn't want to talk about it and I respect his privacy.

"Will you spend Christmas with your parents?" I ask, earning a thankful smile from him as I change the topic.

"Yes, Leila and I are invited to my parents' party. Same people like Thanksgiving, to be honest. Nothing big." He answers with a nod. If I remember correctly, the family Lincoln was anything but 'nothing big'. Elena is enough of chaos for one day. Poor Leila will have to suffer with her presence and her endless need to touch Christian.

"Thanksgiving was nice. The food was nice." It's a poor try to engage him into a conversation about the events of Thanksgiving, but it's all I have got right now.

Christian sips at his beer, the tension between us awkward.

"Yeah, it was... nice." He tests the word with a skeptical expression. I have to grin at his look. He looks down with a grin of his own, sighing loudly.

"We're grown adults, Ana. I can be totally honest with you, right?" He begins after seconds of silence.

"Of course."

"Thanksgiving was a disaster. I hated how it ended for the both of us. I hated that it nearly teared us apart and with time I saw my own mistakes. I told you that you let others interfere in your life, but at the same time I was doing the same thing as if I had any right to do so. I'm really sorry for that. I just care for you and I don't want you to get hurt or being pushed around."

"I know that you didn't mean any harm, Christian. I care for you, too. My friends are a little nosy from time to time, but their intentions are pure. I was just confused and angry when you saved me from Jack on Mia's birthday, I felt as if I was weak. I felt like you thought I was weak." I mumble, twirling the glass in my hands, watching the red liquid swirling around.

"I never thought that you are weak, Ana. You are just... passive." He says with a shrug.

"Passive?" I feel offended, pressing my lips into a thin line. I have been called many things before, but passive is a new level. It hurts me that Christian thinks of me that way.

"I didn't want to offend you." He exclaims with an apologetic look on his pretty face. "Sometimes I admire that about you. You look like you don't let anything affect you."

"So, I am a heartless monster?" I feel like the wine has made me sensitive, but I just had one glass.

He groans with fiery eyes. "Stop putting words in my mouth, for god's sake. I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was that you don't let people, words, anything affect you, but it makes me ask if that is only a mask. Maybe you are just building walls around yourself to protect yourself and maybe these walls are too thick now. Maybe it's time to take them down."

"I don't want to get hurt." I confess with teary eyes. "I have been hurt so many times. I don't think I could stand it again."

"But you can't live like this, Ana. You have to let someone in. Ben looks like a really decent guy." He tells me enthusiastically, unaware that his words hurt me more than anything my exes have ever said or done. You don't know what true pain is until the man you are deeply in love with, the man you are in love with just because he is the person he is, not knowing what made you decide that he was the one, your soul mate, tries to set you up with another man, unaware of your feelings and thoughts. It makes me wonder if love is really worth the trouble if it hurts so much. How did my fellow heroines fight against the endless pain when they couldn't get the man of their dreams? Did the pain we felt from a heartbreak change with the centuries? Has Elizabeth Bennett suffered in a different way than me right now?

Maybe love felt different back then, too.

I take a deep breath, putting on my mask and playing my game.

"He is really nice and I like him a lot."

But not in the way I like you, I think to myself.

"It's a start, Ana. I'm not telling you to marry him or something, but the fact that you are letting him in is great. Maybe someday he will be more to you, maybe not. Until then it's a good practice for you to trust men again." He smiles down at me, a smile I only see him giving Leila, and reaches for one of my hands.

"I hope so, too." His hand feels too good in mine to keep talking. His skin is warm, a little rough but still gentle.

"I want you to be happy."

I look up from our hands and see that he has leaned in toward me, scaring me for a moment. He is so close I can count his lashes and the small freckles on his cheeks, his gray eyes soft and too close. His breath swipes over my lips, instinctively I part them, wetting the pink flesh of them with my tongue. I feel the blood rush to my cheeks, my heart thumbing rapidly against my chest. It feels to good to be true and it feels wrong.

I move back, letting go of his hand. I hug my knees, hoping that we won't hold hands again if they are occupied. He turns his body toward me, crossing his legs.

"I hope you can forgive me for Thanksgiving." He whispers into the room, sounding gentle and warm. I smile chastely at him.

"Of course. And I hope you can forgive me, too."

"Already have. Enough with the serious talk now. This is supposed to be a fun evening after all." Christian sighs with a grin and stretches his arms suddenly, trying to lighten the mood.

"I'm not the right person to have fun." I joke. My type of fun is reading books or watching movies. My type of fun is more silent.

"Nonsense. We had lots of fun on our trips, remember? We could go out again if you want to. There is a karaoke bar near by." He waggles his eyebrows, his teeth visible thanks to his wide grin.

"Not for a million dollars."

"I'm sure I could make you sing or a couple more glasses of that could do." He nods toward the wine bottle on the table.

"Wine? No." Tequila might, it brings out the worst in me. I don't have fond memories of it.

Christian places his empty beer bottle onto the coffee table and reaches for a new one.

"Come on, it could be fun. We wouldn't have to tell anyone else if we turn out to be bad at karaoke. It could be our little secret."

"I like you too much to let you suffer from deafness because that's what will happen to you when you hear me sing."

"I bet you're just exaggerating. I bet you actually sound like an angel."

"More like an hyena."

He chuckles lightly and shakes his head at me.

"One day I'm gonna make you sing."

* * *

"Merry Christmas!" Christian exclaims as he opens the door to his apartment with a teeth showing grin. "Well it's a bit early but still."

"Merry Christmas, baby." Leila says cheerfully as she kisses his lips quickly before she steps in with her neatly packed presents in her arms. I look after her waving, black hair as she makes her way to the living room, leaving me alone at the door with her boyfriend who smiles at me.

"Hey, Ana." He says, his head tilted to his side. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." I say as he leans in to hug me - a difficulty thanks to the gifts in my hands, but we manage it.

"Thanks for the party." I say as Christian closes the door behind me. "You really didn't have to throw an early Christmas party because of me."

Christian had announced that he wanted to celebrate Christmas with all of his friends present and since I was leaving to my parents soon, he decided to plan an early party just because of me. To say that I was flattered would be an understatement.

"Nonsense. What would a Christmas party be without you?" He shakes his head with a laugh, his hand at my back as we walk toward the living room where Leila has already placed her presents underneath a small Christmas tree. It's a fake one with pretty, colorful lights and little figures hanging on it.

"Still a Christmas Party." I giggle.

"Not to me. I want all of my friends by me. You guys want anything to drink?" He asks when I have sat down beside Leila on the couch, his latest confession making the butterflies in my stomach fly around and around. I shouldn't let it affect me like that.

Later that night Kate, Mia, Ethan and Elliott come with presents and food for the night. Mia has gone all out, she has prepared pasta baked with Parmesan cheese and bacon, mini steaks, various salads and for dessert her special Tiramisu. When I asked her why she hasn't prepared all that at Christian's place instead of carrying it from their place, she gives me a snobby look, telling me that it would have taken her days preparing all that in Christian's mini kitchen. I roll my eyes at her. Never insult a cook's kitchen.

While Ethan and Christian set up Christian's table in the living room and Leila, Mia and Kate lay the table, Elliott and I prepare the drinks in the kitchen. It gives us a few minutes of peace from the racket in the living room.

"How it's going, Ana?" He asks me as we fill a tablet with glasses. He helps me reaching the cupboards. We hear how the doorbell rings, Luke has arrived.

"Like always. How are things with Kate?"

He waggles his eyebrows, making me roll my eyes. Sometimes he has the dirty mind of a prepubescent boy.

"You are treating her right?" I ask with a playful scold, making him laugh.

"What if I said no? Will you strangle me with your bare hands?" He grins.

"No, Kate can take care of herself pretty well. Did you know that she beat the shit out of her ex in High School cause he was getting a little too handsy?"

"Dully noted." He tips an imaginary hat at me.

"I heard Ethan went all big brother on your ass." I giggle at the thought of scary Ethan. Elliott widens his eyes while shaking his head.

"Don't remind me. I didn't know he could be that... scary, but I know he meant no harm, it's his right to feel responsible for his sister. I would do the same for my sister if I had one."

"If you really want to play the big brother role you can do it for me. Scare off every loser and stuff."

He stops in his task of filling a pitcher with cold water, grinning smugly at me.

"I think Christian has got that covered."

"What do you mean?" I ask with furrowed brows.

Elliott sighs, his dimples visible thanks to his smile. "Let's just say he was very protective when Jack stated his interest for you last Friday."

"They fought because of me?" I whisper in shock, the thought kinda honoring me, but it's a dumb thing to feel.

Elliott shrugs and takes the heavy pitcher before walking out of the kitchen, leaving me a confused mess.

I know that Jack isn't a nice guy, I can understand why Christian wouldn't like me to be with such an ass, but I don't understand why he has told me that he felt sorry for interfering in my life when he had done just that on the same night. First he fights some guy for me, then he comes to me and tells me that he feels sorry for intervening in my life, then he gives me a pep talk about my thick, protective walls and how I should let someone in.

Did he apologize to me because of what happened between him and Jack on Friday without telling me directly so? Were the events of Thanksgiving just an excuse?

I need answers. I need to know what happened exactly between Jack and Christian. And I need to know why Christian felt the need to protect me again even if he thought that I should protect myself instead of letting people manhandle me.

But getting them is not an easy task since we soon are seated at the table, eating our food. Elliott is too far away from me and I don't really want to blurt out 'Hey, Elliott, why did your brother fight against Jack for me?' over the table with all of the others present. I catch him giving ambiguous smiles now and then, making me raise my eyebrows. Meanwhile the others do a lot of small talk, talking about various things like their plans on Christmas and the absence of Jason and his girlfriend, who were invited too but couldn't make it to dinner because they already had something else planned. Christian informs us that they will show up later. The mention of Jason makes me remember that he has been at Seatdown on Friday, too. I know that I won't get any answers from Elliott easily since he clearly enjoys torturing me. Maybe not so talkative Jason will be my source of information.

"Ana, will you hand me some bread, please." Kate interrupts my mental monologue. I quickly reach for the basket full of bread and hand it over to her. She thanks me with a smile.

"Ready for your vacation?" She asks me as she dips a small slice of bread into the cheese sauce of her pasta. Kate loves cheese.

"Definitely. I haven't seen my parents in a while and I really missed them."

"Your mom is probably going crazy already with all the preparations she does every time you visit. I wonder what stuff she has signed you in this time." She laughs, obviously thinking about the time my mum thought it would be fun to sign us in for a gliding class. I had thrown up as soon as I had sat inside that glider, the thought of flying it too scary.

"I made dad promise me to keep an eye on her. He swears on his fishing equipment that he did whatever he could do."

"Maybe we can visit them together next summer. They are fun to be around and I really want your father's approval on Elliott."

"He'll probably scare him more than Ethan did."

Her pretty blue eyes reach the heavens. "Don't remind me. He wouldn't even touch me afterward, thinking Ethan would sense if we had sex or something."

I giggle at that thought.

"But it was nothing a good pair of dessous couldn't solve." She winks at me playfully.

After dinner, Mia insists on exchanging gifts as soon as possible since she can't take a minute longer without knowing what's inside the packages. She is super nosy and curious from time to time. We gather around very traditionally around the fake Christmas tree Christian has purchased and soon we are lost in our tasks of ripping off wrapping paper. I get a kindle with a few eBooks in it from Ethan and Mia, a pair of new Nike's from Kate, a few CD's of my favorite band from Luke, some DVD's from Elliott and a few books from Christian. When I take a closer look to them, I notice that they are all my favorites like 'Pride and Prejudice', 'Romeo and Juliet', 'Wuthering Heights' plus many more and that they are secondhand products bought from my favorite book shop.

"I know how much you like the stories in and on the books." He says with a smile when I thank him for his gift.

"We are so gonna wear these on our honeymoon." Mia exclaims joyfully as she takes a look of the 'The King' and 'His Queen' shirts I have bought for her and Ethan.

"And I'm going to beat her ass in Chess. Thanks for the new set, Ana." Ethan hugs me tightly, putting his gift on the floor beside him when he reaches for another package.

Meanwhile I hand over Leila her present, a sculpture by David Mont, one of her favorite local artists. It's made out of paper, an abstract form of circles and squares. According to the artists it represents the different layers of our society and how they are linked with each other.

"I've got a Mont!" Leila squeals with rosy cheeks, dancing around the room while proudly displaying her present. "Ana, I love you."

I have to laugh at her joy as she hugs me fiercely. From her I get two tickets for the newest 'Romeo and Juliet' theater play in May. She winks at me when she tells me I'm allowed to take a date with me. It's no secret that Leila is totally Team Ben.

"Oh god." Christian suddenly lets out as he unpacks my gift. "No, you haven't!"

Everybody's head turns to him, watching him look at his gift in awe.

"You said it was your dream to fly a glider and since I couldn't buy you a real one, I thought this would be.. fun." I shrug with a shy smile.

"This is awesome." He exclaims, opening the box and taking out the mini, solar-powered glider model I bought for him. "Thank you, Ana."

"It's nothing, really."

"It's everything for me."

I try not to blush at his words.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, the grand finale." Leila shushes us after we have exchanged our gifts while holding a roll of paper in her hands. It's long and I would guess it to be a poster or something. I notice that Christian and she haven't exchanged their gifts yet.

"I hope you will like it, Christian." She smiles shyly as she hands over the poster. Curiously we watch him enroll it.

"Ah." He makes suddenly with widen eyes. "How did you get this?"

"What is it?" Mia asks, trying to get a look of it.

"It wasn't easy, I confess, but I know it would be worth it." Leila answer him, ignoring Mia completely.

Suddenly Christian launches forward, throwing the poster to the floor and dipping his girlfriend backward with his arms around her neck and waist. His lips find hers, kissing her like they are the only ones in the room, like the rest of us is invisible. The others cheer them on, unaware of the pain torturing my poor heart.

"Thank you." He whispers at her lips as he let's go of a dizzy looking Leila. She gives him a goofy smile.

"Your turn." Christian says as he hands over his gifts, two neatly packed boxes. Of course I already know what's inside them, I've helped him after all.

"I thought since the world seems to inspire you, why not capture it on photographs?" He explains to her as she thanks him for the new Nikon camera and her album.

"And who knows maybe we will travel around the world together, taking pictures of everything you want."

Thus our gift ceremony ends and with it my will to live. I do what every twenty-something-years-old would do: I drink myself to abyss. When my alcohol level rises, I am more resistant to pain or the emotional crap I'm carrying around the whole time. Sometimes it's easier to numb the pain than fighting against it. In my drunken state I try to catch Elliott alone in order to get the answers from him I want, but since he and Kate are always either kissing or talking with each other, it's an impossible task.

My rescue comes in the form of Jason and his girlfriend. I volunteer to help them with food in the kitchen while the party goes on in the living room.

"Ana, this is my girlfriend, Gail." Jason says when I greet them at the door, smiling down at the petite, curly blonde at his side. My inebriated mind starts imagining the difficulties they might have while having sex. He is over 6 feet tall, she only reaches his neck. Surely it must be hard. I have to suppress a laugh at the double meaning of my thoughts.

"Nice to meet you." Gail says as we shook hands politely, a blush spreading on her face. It's good to be not the only one who blushes that fast.

"You too. Glad that you could come." I say.

"Well, Christian is famous for his parties." Is he? I didn't know that. Why does Gail now more about the man I am in love with than me? Jealousy is such an icky thing.

"It's a great party. Christmas has never felt better." And I don't think it has anything to do with Christmas. My eyes wander back to Jason who has placed his arm around his girlfriend's shoulders.

When they are seated at the small table in Christian's kitchen with their food warming up in the microwave, I give him the third degree like the impatient person I am. I know it's rude and I should really try to talk with Gail instead of pestering her boyfriend, but I am too drunk to care.

"I heard there was a little fight between Christian and Jack last Friday." I specially don't ask him about it, trying to turn into a small talk conversation. Maybe that will make him talk. His eyes squeeze a little, he looks at me with a wondering expression.

"Yes, just a small discussion."

"About what?"

I get bold when I am drunk. I think I surprise Jason with it. He shrugs with a discomforted expression.

"It's nothing important. Really."

"Well, Elliott just said something interesting about Jack being too interested in me. Apparently Christian had a problem with that."

I can see how Jason tenses. What is he keeping from me?

"Christian just doesn't want you to get hurt. Jack is... not good." He says with a shrug.

"Why are you guys still friends with him then?"

That catches him off guard, for a few seconds he can't answer me.

"I guess we have been friends for too long now."

Then Jason ends the conversation by changing the topic and his bloody girlfriend helps him. She seems very nice, but I don't want to know how they met, I want to know what Christian said to Jack that night.

I go back to the living room, leaving Jason and Gail alone with their food and take a seat on the couch. Luke is nice enough to mix me another drink, I tell him to double the alcohol in it. I don't think my brain cells will appreciate it though.

"Having fun, Ana?" Christian asks me as he sits down beside me on his couch where I have been drinking one drink after another like a junkie. His humor is audible in his voice.

"Having drinks." I raise my glass full of vodka and lemon juice to him. We clink glasses.

"Thanks for the help again." He mumbles, his eyes focused on Leila who is playing a round of drunk chess with Ethan. "With the gift I mean."

"No problem."

"And thanks for the glider. It will have a proud spot on my desk at work." He says as he places an arm around my shoulders. If I am not wrong, he might be a little drunk himself. God. He smells so good. I could be an addict of his perfume. That sounded creepy and totally like a psychopath.

"And the books a proud place on my bookshelf." And in my heart.

"Hey, you two." Mia shrieks to us from the other site of the room to us in front of Christian's TV with a mic in her hands. "We are not here to snooze. It's karaoke time!"

Kate, Elliott and Ethan cheer her on as she starts singing 'Crazy in Love' by Beyonce. I groan loudly, making Christian snicker.

"I'm running to the kitchen. You coming?" I whisper to him. We pass Jason and Gail having a small argument in the floor, but when they see us they immediately shut up and excuse themselves to the living room. Gail announces that she loves karaoke. I don't know if I like her.

"Shit. We left our drinks in the living room." I groan, annoyed at the thought of having lost my reason to live for tonight: alcohol.

"Did you just swear?" Christian laughs as he starts rummaging in his fridge. "You never swear."

"No, I don't. What are you looking for?" I ask him, hopping up to sit on the kitchen counter.

"I think I have some beer here." He mumbles into his fridge. "Aha."

Christian has found a bottle of beer, displaying it proudly to me. I applause him with a giggle.

"My hero."

He bows dramatically in front of me.

"We will have to share though." He says as he opens the bottle. "Ladies first."

Thirstily I take a big gulp before handing it over to him. He grimaces when he takes a taste.

"It tastes... bland."

"I would rather drink bland beer than having to listen to Mia massacring 'Crazy in Love'."

He laughs, throwing his head back. He looks rather handsome tonight with his white shirt and his black jeans. He was even wearing a tie when the evening started.

"Is the counter comfortable?" He asks me, standing in front of my closed legs, his hands on either side of me.

"Definitely. Unless you don't want me to sit here cause of hygienic reasons then I will get down." Before he can decline me I jump down from the counter and land exactly between it and him. It catches me off guard for a second, this is the second time I'm too close to him, but it feels so good. So sinfully good.

I look up to him, his eyes looking panicked and curiously at me, his lips parted, his hands still on the counter beside me. Our beer bottle stands neglected on our left. From the living room we can hear the thumbs of Mia's song, the melody thankfully drowning her voice. It's slow, sinful, and too sexy.

This is not a situation I would like to get caught in.

I have to end it.

And I do.

"Why did you fight with Jack because of me?"

* * *

 **Holy cliffhanger!**

 **Until next time ;)**

 **P.S.: Join me on facebook and our little fanfic obsessed group! Lots of fun people and dirty minds.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Boo.**

 **I'm back.**

 **What is left to say? You don't like what I am writing? Fine. You don't want to read it? Fine. You want to read something else? Fine.**

 **But leaving mean reviews, guest reviews especially, which aren't helpful isn't fine. Guest reviews are a no go from now on. Don't even bother. Thank you for those who take their time to actually create an account though. Even if you don't agree with me, i still can enjoy your opinion about my story as long as you are polite.**

 **Anyway.**

 **Long chapter ahead of you. Nearly 9k words. It took me lots of time, if you haven't noticed, and energy, but I hope you will like it. Warning though, the last part is rough... An assault scene. I never wrote something like that before so I am feeling nervous about it.**

 **NOT BETAED! Didn't want to make you wait longer ;)**

* * *

 **16\. Active & Passive**

"Sweetie, look at this."

I look up from the ancient photo album which smells like old paper and passed memories in my hand to the photo my mother is holding up toward me. On the black and white picture my grandparents stand in front of their house with a small baby on my grandmother's lap and a humongous dog lying at the feet of my grandfather.

"Mum, is that you?" I ask her as I take the picture from her hands, looking closer at the little details like the design of my grandmother's dress or the funny mustache of my grandfather.

"Isn't that obvious? Look, how cute I was back then." Her laughter is sweet and carefree, like the woman she is. It's funny to see a baby picture of her, or anyone to be honest. People start their lives as hairless, red screaming bodies like an untouched page of a book, ready to be filled with memories and emotions, ready to be written like a story.

"You're still cute, darling." My father says as he flips open another page of the newspaper he has been reading sitting on an armchair beside the chimney. After our early breakfast this morning, my mum and I had packed out our old photo albums consisting every picture my mum had found from her and dad's childhood – each year she kinda managed to find new ones - , like we did every Christmas' morning.

She throws a kiss toward him which he registers with a raised eyebrow and curled lips. Even if he acts all though and stuff, I know that he has a soft core deep inside his hard, manly shell.

"Is this the house in Connecticut?" I ask as she keeps looking at the picture with dreamy eyes.

"This is the house I grew up in. That was my dog, Bobby. Your granddad got him when I was born."

I never liked dogs that much. I hadn't been one of these kids who begged for one, driving their parents mad. I had only begged for books.

"Let's take a picture together." She suggests, making me pose as she takes a selfie of us. She makes sure that our chimney and the photo albums around us can be seen.

"I'm posting this on the Facebook." My mother says, making me giggle at her unnecessary article. Her newly found addiction with social networks is entertaining. She quickly snaps a picture and starts talking about hashtags and Emojis. I catch my dad rolling his eyes.

"Darling, how do I tag you?" She asks me with furrowed brows, still not able to remember some aspects like how not to comment on each thing you post in a typical mum way - "You look fabulous, my baby. Say hi to your friends. Dad and I are going shopping tomorrow, the weather will be nice. How is the weather in Seattle?" - or how to tag someone on a picture. She made me write down some descriptions on a sheet of paper and pinned it to the bulletin board hanging in the kitchen, planning to reread it every time she needs it. Hopefully she will be able to memorize it quickly.

"Like this." I quickly tag myself, making sure that she sees every step.

"Ah. Look how easy it is." She mumbles to herself before placing her phone on the floor beside her, her attention now on the photographs in front of her, again.

We find more pictures of her childhood, and then even some of her rebellious teenage years where she had dyed her hair a shrill red just to anger her mother. When we find a baby picture of Dad, he blushes deep crimson and excuses himself to the kitchen, making us giggle.

"Oh. Look I got a few Likes." Mum says gleefully as her phone pings to announce notifications from Facebook. She comments about each person who liked our picture, telling me who they are, what they are doing with their life and if they have a single son - "Or girl if that's what you like." She says with a wink –, who would be a perfect for match for me. The last bit I ignore and keep my eyes focused on an album displaying my parent's first vacation together. My love life – if you can call it that – doesn't need my Mum's attention. It's complicated enough.

"Who is Christian Grey?"

Suddenly my Mum's words ram a dagger into my guts, twisting painfully as if I don't suffer enough. That's a good question, I would have liked to answer but I fear that it would only raise more good questions. I wouldn't have answers for any of them, probably.

"He is Leila's new boyfriend." I say as neutral as possible, ignoring the crazy butterflies dancing and swirling around in my stomach, trying to close the wound the metaphorical dagger had left. As much as I hate them from time to time, they are actually helping right now. I might reward them by allowing myself to daydream about said person tonight for a minute.

"Oh boy. He is really handsome." Mum says as she inspects his profile picture. He must have liked her picture, seen it because I was tagged on it. She doesn't know how to tag people on stuff, but she is a pro when it comes to stalking total strangers online. It's good to know where her priorities lie.

"You never told me that Leila has a boyfriend this handsome." She says with an accusing tone. "How is he? Is he nice to her? What does he do for living?"

" _What do you mean?"_

 _..._

" _You fought with Jack because of me. Elliott and Jason told me so."_

 _..._

" _He was just trespassing some boundaries."_

 _..._

" _What boundaries, Christian? I didn't know there were boundaries."_

…

The memory of our last talk comes to my mind immediately, unwelcome and annoying. I haven't heard a word from him since then, only Leila had mentioned him whenever we talked. The like he gave my Mum's picture was the first contact we had in over a week. I wouldn't say that we had a fight at his Christmas Party, it was just a very heated discussion between two confused people which had left a bitter taste of shame and humiliation behind it. I have no idea what to say to him the next time I see him. Hopefully it won't be any time soon. I shake my head and focus on my Mum and her questioning look. I don't want to think about him right now (lie).

"Yes, they are very happy with each other. He is exactly the kind of guy, Leila deserves." And more. So much more. He is too much.

"How did they met? Don't be so coy, darling. Leila is like a daughter to us. I need to know everything about her man."

"At a bar. They immediately got along pretty well and after a few dates, it was official. He is really sweet to her, very dreamy actually." The last bit I mumble quietly, my fingers tracing the edges of a picture in my hands.

"He looks like the romantic type." She says as she zooms in on one of his pictures. "I can imagine him wooing her properly."

"Like I said, he is the kind of guy, Leila deserves."

"Well, he better be. You know how protective your father can be over you girls. Tell this Christian guy that Ray Steele has a license to hunt down whoever hurts his girls." She giggles, even making me smile in my miserable state.

" _I thought I should fight my fights alone. I thought you were disgusted by the way I let people defend me, decide for me."_

 _..._

" _I never said I was disgusted by anything you did! Are you saying that I did wrongly by telling Jack to fuck off? Are you interested in him?"_

…

" _Of course not. He is an ass. But you are telling me something and doing a total different thing. You are confusing me."_

…

" _Do you think I am not confused? Do you think I can think clearly when it comes to you?"_

…

" _You apologized to me that evening for interfering in my life. I thought you were talking about Mia's birthday party, but seems like you were talking about the fight you had with Jack not only a few hours ago. You are confusing yourself.'"_

…

" _I wouldn't feel the need to protect you if you did it yourself."_

…

" _I am more than capable of protecting myself, okay? Why do you think I have build my walls around me?"_

…

" _That's not the healthy way, Ana! I want you to speak out, not build your soundproof walls."_

…

" _You don't have the right to demand something from me. I am happy with my walls."_

…

" _No, you just think you are. Happiness isn't something you can think about. You have to feel it. You aren't feeling it, Ana. Don't lie to yourself. I want you to be happy."_

 _..._

"You can be scary as your father, though. I hope you told him to be nice to your best friend, unless he wants to end up missing. You girls need to look after each other in the big, free world." My mum's voice takes me back to the now. I gulp hardly, before I nod at her.

"No worries. He won't hurt her under my watch." I just hoped I wasn't going to be the one who hurt her. I was doing everything in my power not to hurt her, after all, but still the fear of her finding out about my true emotions never left.

The rest of the days I spend at my parent's house go by without another mention of Christian Grey, thank god. He only exists in my mind here, also in my heart but I try not to put him there because that feels like cheating on Leila, but my mind is free to go since I can shut him up whenever I want. I can stop thinking about him, but I can't stop my feelings for him.

On New Year's Eve, my parents and I go to a party at Dad's office where I eat a huge amount of food and enjoy some fancy champagne while watching others dance around the room, their laughters and the music filling the silence in my head. Just like Christian said, I pretend to be happy, I put on a mask, and I play my game, dancing with a colleague of my Dad because it is socially expected from me to accept a gentleman's offer to dance. Do I have fun, I wonder as we chitchat while dancing. Or am I just thinking that this is how fun is supposed to feel?

I think I finally have my answer to Mum's question.

Christian Grey is the man who left a million of unanswered questions in my head.

* * *

I land shortly after 4pm at Sea-Tac with my luggage full of my own clothes and my mum's presents – the later being the greater part of the content of my brown leather suitcase – three days after New Year's Eve. The flight itself had been long enough for me to get some sleep, but also uncomfortable enough to make my muscles ache. Flying coach was never fun but it was cheap. I crave my bed and a hot shower, maybe a pizza and a beer before a lazy day in bed, planning to escape Leila's usual plans after I returned from a long stay at my parents – drinks at the bar with the latest gossip – since I really was not in the mood to listen to the newest events. I just hope that I will be able to escape her tyranny as soon and easily as possible, also fearing that she might lock the door of her car just so I couldn't run away.

She had offered me a ride from the airport a week ago, in her mind probably already planning to drive me to Seatdown immediately, and I had gladly accepted since I was dreading the thought of using public transportation with my luggage and jet-lag.

But instead of Leila's happy and excited smile, I am greeted by a shy one from no one else then Mr. Christian Grey – the only human being on earth I kinda don't want to see because of the high potential of dying from humiliation. He is waiting for me dressed in a blue coat and jeans between other vacationers returning home and tourists. To my surprise, he is holding a small sign on which my name is written with a red marker.

I look over the other people near him, hoping to see one of my friends, anyone whom I barely know, but nada. No one else is here to pick me up, except him. Panic expatiates in my body, I was so not ready for this. I have spent the last few days thinking about how I could escape him, a difficult task since he and Leila were constantly together somehow, but I had been ready to work myself to exhaustion if it meant that I could run away from this important conversation like the little girl I apparently was.

But he is here now.

To pick me up.

I have no chance to escape him or that conversation. Quickly I think about my options. How should I behave? How would anyone else in this situation behave? Kate would probably get straight down to business, asking him questions, answering his directly and clearly. Leila would approach him more softly, more emotional than logical, but she would come to a solution by the end of their talk. Mia would totally ignore the elephant in the room and wait until her opponent talks about it first.

And I?

I have no idea.

"Hey, Ana." Christian greets me with a small smile. "Welcome back."

"Hey. Nice sign." I nod toward it, smiling as I recognize Leila's writing.

"Leila made it. I could save it from her glitter attack, thank god." He laughs with an eye roll.

"That would totally hurt your manliness, right?" I ask with a grin. He nods excitedly like a little boy.

"Totally destroy it. Can I carry your luggage?" He asks, already reaching for it even though I tell him that it's okay, I can carry it. He is too much of a gentleman to let me carry a heavy luggage.

"Where is Leila? She said she was going to pick me up and kidnap me to the nearest bar. You know, for gossip and such." I ask him nonchalantly, trying not to offend him. I don't want him to think that I didn't want him to pick me up, even if that is actually the case. Does that even make sense? I shake my head with a frown as we wander through the busy hall of the airport.

"She woke up with a cold, probably caught it on New Year's Eve. Happy New Year, by the way."

"Oh, thanks. Is she well? Did she go to the doctor?" I am in my mother mode immediately.

"She is fine. I gave her some painkillers and made her a poor excuse of a soup, but if she can survive my cooking she should be able to survive a cold." He tells me, laughing at his own words.

"I can make her some chicken soup later. She always loved that one."

"Yeah, she told me. How was your vacation? How are your parents?" Christian asks me as we arrive at his car, parked in the underground parking garage. He quickly puts my luggage into the trunk of his car after unlocking the doors.

"It was great. My parents kept me on my toes as always." I answer him when we sit down and he starts the car. It is surprising how at ease I am. I didn't imagine being able to talk properly beside him.

He fumbles with the stereo to turn on some music.

"I heard that they are great people. Can't wait to meet them. Leila is a big fan of them."

"They are a big fan of her, too. Oh, by the way, I am officially sending my father's regards. He said if you hurt one of his daughters, you should know that he has friends at the Navy." I can exactly remember how dead serious my father sounded when he found about Leila's new boyfriend. He also told me to tell Christian that he will feed him to the dogs if he hurts Leila, but I keep that part to myself. No need to scare the guy off completely.

"Ah, the infamous Ray Steele. I have been warned about him. Tell him that his words are dully noted." Christian answers with a playfully scared expression, making me grin.

I realize that I have really missed our back and forth, the little banters, the grins and laughters we share. Why can't things be this easy all the time? Why do we have to fight over matters that make no sense to us? Or are we just incapable to see the real meaning behind our fights? I can't say that his over the top protectiveness hasn't confused me. For someone who blamed to be just a protective friend who didn't want me to get hurt, he was acting too... intense. His actions don't make sense to me, telling me to fight my own battles one second, and in the next one defending my honor like a knight in a shiny armor. Why was he doing all that stuff for me? Why did he care about the way I felt? What did my happiness mean to him?

Maybe I am just misinterpreting stuff. Maybe he was like that to all of his friends.

I wish he wasn't like that to all of his friends, though. That would make me special and I really wanted to be special in his eyes. I am a masochist. I like to have false hopes. It's silly, though. Even if he wasn't with Leila, even if he had no relationship with anyone, why would he look at someone like me? I am an ordinary girl with self-esteem problems whom he liked to call _passive._ Passive was boring, but it was safe. But was safety more important than happiness? Would I rather be safe than happy?

I couldn't know. I have never tried to do something to make me happy. I have always put others first, always taking a step back, never daring to get what I want. My mum has tried to make me understand that sometimes you got to fight for your happiness and not let somebody else catch it before you. I haven't told her about my feelings for my best friend's boyfriend, but somehow she had managed to hit the nail on the head like always.

" _Happiness doesn't fall in front of your feet, darling."_ She had said when we were painting picture frames – her newly found hobby – one day, the tip of her nose red from the color she was using.

" _You have to fight for it."_ She had added, looking proudly at her purple and red colored frame.

" _Wouldn't I be forcing it?"_

" _Of course not. You would just show that you really, really want it."_

I never show if I really, really want something, especially if someone else wants the same thing. Maybe it is time to change that. Maybe it is time to be more active.

What do I have to lose?

"Are you angry at me?" I ask Christian out of the blue, looking at him cautiously. "I mean because of the things I said at your Christmas party."

His eyes widen and he shakes his head immediately, changing the gears of his car as he drives. "God no. Why would you think that?"

"I don't know. I just felt like we were fighting back then."

"To be honest, Ana, I feared that you were angry at me, too. I was after all being a nosy bastard."

"You weren't being nosy. You were just being protective which confused me because you told me that I should fight my own battles, but you didn't let me fight against Jack." I mumble quietly, looking at my fingers in my lap now. I try to concentrate on the nail polish I have put on two days ago, the light pink now coming off.

"But you agree on the bastard part?" He jokes, making me roll my eyes.

"That's not what I have called you in my mind, but it works, too." I scold him playfully. His laughter fills the car.

"Your mind is a strange place, so I am concerned what title you gave me. But until I solve that mystery, I want to promise you that I never will try to interfere in your life again. You won't hear a 'peep' from me again and if you want me to, I will stay the fuck away from you, keep my distance. That's why I haven't tried to contact you the past few weeks, even if I really, really wanted to, to be honest. I missed you. A lot."

His confession makes me smile and blush, my heart fluttering against my rib cage like the treaty bastard it is. Damn you, heart. Stop hoping for more.

"You don't have to stay away." I whisper, biting my lip while looking up now. I watch his cheeks flush as a goofy grin spreads on his face. I like that I am causing this reaction.

"And I really appreciate how you care for me, but you have to let me fight my own battles. If you can do that, I could try to be less passive."

"I'm sorry for calling you that. It was a dick move." He frowns.

"Yeah, but it was also true."

"Leila would kick my ass if she ever found out that I called you that." And just like that the guilt is back. The mention of my best friend never does good to me since I fell in love with this man, but it feels much worse when she is mentioned while we are keeping secrets from her. I hadn't told Leila about my fight with Christian, I didn't want to hurt her again, and she hadn't mentioned it when we were talking over the phone, so I had assumed that Christian hadn't told her, too. I am not sure of his motives, though.

"Did you talk with her about.. this?" I ask him, awkwardly motioning between us. He sighs before he answers me.

"No, I didn't. I don't know why, but somehow I thought this was something between us two. We should be able to solve our problems without the intervention of others. Okay, she isn't just anyone else, she is my girlfriend and your best friend, but we are individual grown-ups who fuck stuff up but who can also un-fuck them. Am I making sense?"

I like the way he says 'us', but I may or may have not imagined a whole other definition of 'us' than he has.

"It's just that I don't want Leila to misunderstand what's happened. It wasn't about her, after all. Why should we keep secrets?"

"It wasn't about her, as you said. We are friends, Ana. We can have things we just share with each other. Although if you feel uncomfortable, then we can talk to her, but I don't see what good it would do."

It would easy my guilt. It wouldn't feel like we are doing something forbidden behind her back. But that's all the stuff I can't tell him, so I don't have a chance but to agree with him.

"No, you are right. It's over now, no need to sadden her." I nod, taking a deep breath before I change the topic. "Enough serious talk. Tell me, what did I miss? How was New Year's Eve? How was Christmas?"

Christian sighs again, his hands squeezing the wheel tightly. "That's another serious talk. I'm sure you have heard about the whole Elena fiasco."

"Well, Leila has mentioned something like 'I hate Elena so much', but I thought that's such a typical thing to say about your boyfriend's good looking best friend."

"She hasn't actually told you?" He lets out, sounding surprised. "I thought you girls share everything."

"I told her I would listen to any problem she had, but she told me not to worry and just to enjoy time with my parents."

"Well, long story short, Leila wants me to end my friendship with Elena officially. She was angry at her after Thanksgiving, obviously, and on Christmas, I had thought I could make them make peace and stuff, but Elena was... very hostile toward Leila. She flirted with me, tried to make Leila look stupid any given time, and she didn't stop after I warned her. Things escalated when she invited me to her New Year's Eve party, only me."

I can't say that I am not surprised.

"Oh. That sounds..." So like her.

"I know. God, I was a fool."

"What did Leila do? Did she attack her?" I can't stop grinning, imagining Leila going all Rambo on Elena's ass.

"No, she is too graceful for something like that. She just told me that she doesn't want to be around Elena anymore and I thought, at least she isn't angry at me. But then Elliott had to tell Kate, who of course told Leila, that Elena used to be in love with me and how she had confessed her love to me once, but I had rejected her since I saw her only as a friend."

"She still loves you." I say, turning off the AC as it got to warm inside the car. "In her own way."

"Yeah, I know, but I was an optimist who thought that she could still be my friend, because she wasn't like this when we were younger, Ana. She was a nice, gentle girl, ambitious and strong minded, who wanted all the big things from life. She used to have a good heart. I don't know what changed her. I just hope it's not her love for me. I would hate to think that I am the reason for her behavior." He says with a sad tone. I realize that Christian really cares for Elena, even though she is cunning, even though she hates his girlfriend, even though she acts like a bitch.

"It's not her love for you what makes her behave like this. It's envy and desperation, because she sees the man she is in love with at the side of another woman. She wanted you to love her, the way you love Leila. I guess, she is too selfish to let you be happy with another woman."

Unlike me.

"Love truly brings out the worst in some people. Or maybe envy does. But after Leila found out about Elena's former love declaration, she got furiously mad since she felt cheated because I didn't tell her. I just wanted to protect her, I guess. I was too lovesick to see the possible outcome of my actions." He sighs again, obviously the last few days haven't been easy.

"I have to confess that she is right, though. You should have told her about Elena's feelings for you, instead of introducing her as your best friend. I imagine it's not good for someone's pride if you were more than friendly with the woman who loves your boyfriend. Leila was a big fan of her for a couple of hours before she find out what Elena had done on Thanksgiving."

My lungs clench when I instinctively start comparing my situation to Elena's. I am in love with him, too, and I am Leila's best friend. Am I really that different than Elena? Aren't I cheating on Leila, too?

But unlike the evil bitchtroll, I am not trying to steal Christian from Leila. I am not trying to interfere in their happiness, I want them to be happy even if it kills me.

That's our difference, I suppose.

She is too selfish. I am too selfless.

Can we truly ever be happy?

"I never wanted to hurt Leila or Elena, but the last events have made me realize that Elena doesn't even deserve my friendship. If she wants to hurt the woman I love, then I don't want her in my life anymore."

"Is Leila still angry at you?" I asked.

"No, thank God. We talked and now things are normal again. Of course, she was more than thrilled to hear that Elena is the past now." He answers with his lips curled down, the sadness audible in his voice. He is mourning because of the end of their friendship.

"I'm sorry that you lost your friend, Christian. No matter how mad she was."

He looks at me out of the corner of his eye with a surprised smile on his face.

"You are the first one who says that. Everybody else congratulated me because I got rid of an evil bitch. Nobody felt sorry."

"She was your friend. Of course, you are going to feel sad."

"Surprisingly, you are the only one who gets that. Thanks, Ana. For being a better friend than anyone else."

* * *

"Good morning, Ana."

Leila's voice finally sounds normal again, her cold gone, her skin glowing again. She is dressed in black pants and a chic purple blouse, her hair put into a ponytail. Her boots make 'click clack' sounds on our floor.

"Good morning." I say as I sip on my orange juice with my bowl of cereals in front of me on the island.

She walks to our coffee machine to get herself a cup. I try not to roll my eyes at the amount of sugar and milk she adds to her coffee.

"Are you going to take the bus or do you want me to give you a ride?" Leila asks me as she sits down beside me. I lick of the remains of orange juice off my lips after taking another sip, shaking my head at her.

"You don't need to drive all the way to SIP. I can take the bus, it's fine."

"How about we meet for lunch then? I own you one after you took care of me the last few days." She insists on owning me one just because I had done my duties as a friend. I know that she would have done the same for me.

"For the millionth time, Leila. You own me nothing. Besides I already have a lunch date." I know that the last bit will capture her attention. She looks at me with a curious grin just like I assumed.

"With Ben." I answer her unasked question, rolling my eyes as she squeals. She has declared that we are her OTP. Great.

Two days ago on Wednesday, Ben has called me at my office. It was the first time we actually talked in the past weeks since we had only communicated via texts over Christmas and New Year's Eve. I had been happy to hear from him, though. It was nice being around him.

"You could invite him to Elliott's tonight. I'm sure he wouldn't mind." I hear Leila say when my mind is back to the now and then.

"Isn't that pretty last minute? Besides it's Elliott's birthday party. I can't just show up with an uninvited guest."

"You know how Elliott is. 'The more the merrier'." Leila says in a masculine voice, her face grimaced making me snort.

"Still. I don't feel like it." I say, turning my head away from her as she looks at me surprised.

"Oh. I just thought that you liked him." I can hear how perplexed she is. I hate to be crushing her hopes and dreams for me to become an item with Ben, but I have promised a certain someone that I will try to make my own decisions even if they upset my friends. I think Christian would be proud of me.

"I do. But that doesn't mean that I want to constantly hang out with him."

"Wait a second. Aren't you guys dating?" She asks, now confused. I just shake my head.

"But you want to, don't you?" Even without looking up, I know that she is biting her lip with anticipation as she waits for my answer. I sigh, deciding to end her internal pain.

"Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if Ben and I are ever going to be as happy as you and Christian are. I don't know if I am going to keep seeing him. I only know that I don't have _that_ type of feelings for him." I see her eyes widen when I look up, my outburst comes out of nowhere. It's surprising for me, too, but it feels... good.

"I just thought you guys would be perfect together." She mumbles.

"Maybe. But I don't want perfection."

We eat the rest of our breakfast in silence.

She, shocked that I spoke up. And me, shocked that speaking up felt good.

I still can't turn off my darn internal monologue, though. I can't stop wondering if I am doing the right thing, if Ben and perfection might be the best decision after all. Everyone else seems to think that we would be _perfect together_ , but does that really matter if my damned heart can't stop fluttering every time I look into Christian's gray eyes?

Shit. I am late to work. No time left for my love life, I think as I slip into my jacket and kiss Leila goodbye on her cheek before rushing out.

Much later after reading manuscripts and enduring Luke's occasional visits where he only stops by to tell me how awesome his new girlfriend is, I meet Ben outside of SIP. We had agreed to eat at Ernie's Diner, the place we had met, since we were both aching their Burger Special. He is dressed in a dark green coat, his hands covered in black, wool gloves.

"Hey, Ana." He greets me with a warm hug – well as warm as it can get in early January.

"Hey. How have you been?" I smile at him.

We spend the quick trip to Ernie's making small talk, asking our 'how have you been's', 'how were the holidays' and other superficial stuff. Like the gentleman he is, he gets the door for me when we arrive. I thank him quickly.

"What can I bring you guys?" One of the waitresses asks, already filling our coffee cups, when we shrug out of our coats to sit down at a booth. Ben orders the Burger Special for the both of us, turning his attention to me when the waitress walks away.

"It's good to see you, Ana. I really missed you." I can't help but blush at his confession, honored and embarrassed at the same time.

"It's been some time, yes." I only can say with my cheeks burning. He smiles at my blush, he appears to be liking it.

"How are your friends?" Ben asks, sipping at his coffee after adding sugar to it.

"Busy like usual. The wedding of Mia and Ethan is soon, so everybody is going crazy. You know, with preparations and stuff." I don't go into details since I can't imagine him being interested in Mia's choice of cutlery or the color of her garter.

"Mia was the birthday girl, right?"

"Yes, exactly. She and Ethan are marrying in February. On Valentine's Day, to be exact."

Ben smiles brightly, placing his cup in front of him on the table. "Wow. That's a very romantic day to get married."

"Yeah. That's very typical for Mia. She is all... hearts and flower." I gesture with my hands, rolling my eyes at the mention of my über romantic friend. He laughs.

We talk a little about his family and friends whom I have not met yet. Ben tells me that they can be tiring sometimes, but he loves them like brothers and sisters.

"How are Leila and Christian?" Of course he has to mention them. Thank you, Ben. I try not to furrow my brows at his green eyes.

"They are alright. Things were a little frosty, but they are alright now." I say as I nod like a retard. He stares into my eyes for a couple of seconds and when he opens his mouth to say something, we get interrupted by the blonde waitress, bringing our food. We eat our burger's and fries in silent, nothing awkward, just two friends enjoying each others present. I like the thought of having a friend like Ben.

We get another cup of coffee each when we finish our food. As the waitress clears our table, Ben sighs once and interrupts my babbling about the newest books published by SIP.

"Ana, I have to talk to you." He says suddenly, making me fear that I just bore him to death with my enthusiasm about the newest novel by H. A. Ibott – a new author who writes about the love story of an arrogant CEO and a shy wallflower.

"Oh." I let out, my heart thumbing in my chest.

"I -." He sighs again before shaking his head. "I met a girl."

Ben's green eyes look into mine with sadness in them, searching for clues on my emotionless face. I don't know how to react. Should I be angry? Should I be jealous? I don't feel any of these emotions and now I really realize that Ben is nothing but a friend to me. I decide to react just like a friend then.

"Oh. That's great, Ben." It doesn't sound fake like I had assumed it would. I am genuinely happy for him.

"I'm really sorry for not telling you earlier, but I didn't want to talk about it over the phone or via text. That would have been rude. Are you mad at me?" He asks carefully, as if he is imagining me starting a fight about this.

"No. No, really. It's been nice of you to tell it in person."

"It's just, I didn't expect it to happen. Honestly, Ana, you were everything I could think off, but then one day she walked in into my life and I was... captivated. God. I didn't mean to offend you. Don't get me wrong, you are a beautiful, intelligent and funny woman who deserves a man thinking about her day and night, and for a time I was that guy. But now that I have met her, I am.."

"You are in love." I interrupt him. He just nods, still looking at me with worry in his eyes.

"That's okay, Ben. We weren't officially dating or something. I am really happy for you and if you are asking for my blessing, then you have it."

"You are too understanding, too good to be true." He goes on. "I can't believe he doesn't see it."

"What do you mean?" I ask him slowly, looking at him cautiously. Green eyes are looking into mine again, their intensity taking my breath away.

"I know you love somebody, Ana. And I know who he is, but don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

Suddenly I freeze in my spot. Oh. No.

"What are you talking about?" I mumble, trying to gain over control over my numb mind. If Ben knows, who else knows about my feelings?

"I saw the way you looked at him."

"Ben, I really don't -"

"It's okay, Ana. As I said, your secret is safe with me. You are my friend."

Surprisingly, it feels good to know that somebody cares about my feelings. It feels good to have someone to talk about all the crap that is going on in my life. I ask the burning question, not caring that I will give away information. He knows already, what do I have to lose?

"How could the others not see it if it was that obvious?" I ask him, my throat dry. Ben reaches for my hand before he answers, his touch not intimate anymore.

"Because they didn't look at you the way I did. We only see what we want to see. They only saw insecure Ana who blushes heavily like a school girl, who is happy when her friends are happy, who is the most selfless person on earth. But I saw a woman in love, trying to forget that man just because he was making her best friend happy. I saw you look at him the way I wanted you to look at me, Ana."

And right there in Ernie's Diner between grumpy lunch customers and tired waitresses, I finally let out my emotions, all the tension, all the desperation and all the sadness run down my face in form of tears.

And like a good friend, Ben helped me.

* * *

"Happy Birthday!"

We clink our glasses and bottles, cheering Elliott for his birthday - "Thirty-two is the new twenty-two, you guys." He keeps saying grumpily whenever someone mentions his new age – while singing for him. We are celebrating at Elliott's penthouse, the cave of the lion as he uses to call it, with fine food from a caterer and expensive drinks, all sponsored by some dude, Elliott built a house for.

"A selfie for Instagram. Quick, you guys." Mia says and commands us to squash so we can fit all in the same frame. I feel a hand at the small of my back and turn my head to face Jack who is smiling down at me. Of course, it had to be him. I don't return his smile and just step a few steps to the side, nearly running over Kate in the process. I apologize quickly. We smile all up at Mia's front camera.

My escape of Jack isn't long, though. He finds me and Ethan at the dessert bar. I don't know how Christian has let Elliott invite him, to be honest.

"Hey, you two." Jack greets us, getting himself a couple of mini cupcakes on his plate. I can't judge him for his choice of dessert. Those mini cupcakes taste like heaven.

"Hey, man." Ethan says while I only nod at him, my eyes focused on a plate of chocolate covered strawberries.

"The food tastes really good. Right, Ana?" Jack says, his eyes staring holes into the side of my head. Good thing I have decided to wear my hair open and wavy, I can now hide behind it. I don't think Christian would approve, though. I should probably tell Jack that he makes me uncomfortable, but I can't just slur it out into the room. He is just making small talk right now, nothing wrong with that. The only thing I can do is to get away from him.

"Sure." I say before I turn away with my plate full strawberries. I need to find myself some of the yummy champagne Elliott has been offering all night. I think it will go great with the strawberries. I find the bottle on the glass coffee table and join Christian and Leila on the couch after getting myself a cup. Leila immediately steals one of my strawberries, making me roll my eyes and Christian snicker.

"I'm getting you some before you eat Ana's away." Christian says, walking away while laughing.

The party, consisting of Elliott's newest and dearest and colleagues, is pretty fun. Elliott and Kate, who has helped him, have really thought of everything from food to music. I can't stop drinking Elliott's fancy champagne, it's no wonder that I get tipsy. Luckily for me, I am not the only one. By the end of the night, I have danced with drunk Luke and Christian, a wild round Tango on the dance floor and in my stomach. Mia has managed to take what felt like one million photos of us. With Ethan's help, we had persuaded her not to upload every single one of them on her social media accounts.

"Another drink, Ana?" Jason asks me as he gives his girlfriend and Kate their drinks, noticing my empty glass.

"Oh god. No, thanks." I don't think I can take another one. My bladder is too full, it feels like it is going to explode. I excuse myself to the bathroom, Christian helps me up when I stumble, making everyone giggle at my drunkenness. Elliott's bathroom is placed somewhere in Narnia apparently because I can't seem to find it. I end up in his gym, which makes me wonder how much that guy earns, and decide to use its bathroom, figuring that a guy who has a gym, probably also has a bathroom attached to it.

I feel relieved when I finally get to pee and wash my face. I grimace at myself, trying not to smudge my mascara or ruin Elliott's washcloths when I dry my face. I inspect my clothes, looking nervously at my wool dress. I had my doubts wearing it for tonight, but Leila insisted that I looked pretty darn good in it and who was I to judge her opinion. It's a little tight around my boobs and hips, but I can't say that it looks bad. Even the uncomfortable pumps I am wearing are surprisingly enchanting.

I should probably return to the party, I think. I need some of these strawberries.

"Hey, Ana."

His sudden appearance surprises me when I open the door of the bathroom, finding him leaning against a treadmill, grinning like a creep. Jack.

"Hey." I say confusedly, not knowing why he is here.

"Finally alone." He whispers. My eyes dart to the door leading out and he is quick to catch. "Don't even think about it. It's locked."

I think I know what this is about.

Oh no.

He is as drunk as I, maybe even more, and a drunken mind has never made good decisions. I don't think Jack is famous for his good decisions even with a sober mind.

"What do you want, Jack?" I decide to follow my father's rules of distraction: make small talk. "You can use the bathroom now. I got lost and found this one."

"Shut up, you fucking bitch." Suddenly he roars and walks up to me, making me lean back against the closet bathroom door. I hold my breath as he puts his hands on the wall beside my head.

"Enough of this chit-chat. Who do you think you are? Do you think you can ignore me all evening and now just talk to me?" He hisses at my face, his icy eyes scaring me. I press my fists against my sides and bite my lips, trying not to start crying. I did enough of that today at the Diner.

"Jack, I-"

He interrupts my shaking voice.

"I don't fucking care. I tried to be nice. I tried to actually talk to you, Ana, but somehow you little, cocktease didn't want to talk to me."

"I'm not much of a talker, actually." I say quickly with widen eyes. He laughs roughly into my air as he leans down, his breath brushing the skin of my neck, making me feel disgusted with myself. I don't like him this close.

"Good thing, we won't be talking for a while then."

Suddenly he presses one of his hands on my mouth while the other one tries to capture my hands to hold them above my head. I shriek into his hand, barely audible.

"Now be a good, little girl and stop squirming." Jack whispers, moaning softly into my ear, creeping me out. I don't want to endure this. For the first time in my life, I want to die.

No, Ana, I think to myself. Don't think about dying. Don't think about giving up. Think about fighting.

Gray eyes come to my mind, gray eyes full of sorrow. I want them to look at me with a proud look. I know if I don't fight this, I will never see them look at me with pride.

Suddenly I ram my knee up to Jack's groin and bite his hand, making him curse while he lets me go. I stumble forward as he leans forward with his hands in his groin, calling me a bitch over and over again. I run forward to the door, having troubles unlocking it since my hands are shaking and tears are running down my cheeks, but I somehow manage it.

"Don't you fucking dare." I hear Jack shriek as I leave the gym, running down the hall toward the living room. Halfway through the way, I meet a shocked looking Jason. I run into his arms.

"Ana." He lets out. "What the fuck."

"Jason." I whisper. "Jack."

"What the hell has that sleazeball done to you? Where is he?"

"Gym."

Suddenly Jason lets go off me and runs toward the gym, telling me to go to the living room and get the other guys to follow him. I stumble numbly to the living room where the music is loudly coming from the stereo, my eyes burning with tears and my heart clenching.

"Hey, Ana. What's up?" Luke asks me when I walk in, all other eyes on me now too. Instinctively I look at Christian first, before I answer surprisingly clearly.

"Jack tried to rape me."

* * *

 **A reminder that this is a slow burn, so anyone asking when they will get together: SOON :D**

 **Until next time :-***

 **P.S.: Go read 'Manipulative' by ItsaStrangeday if you want your chest to be ripped open and your heart to be squeezed until it explodes. It's a good one.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Are you ready?**

 **Are you really ready?**

 **Get ready if you aren't :D**

 **Thanks for the reviews, the support and the love. Without you, I wouldn't be here and my words would be lost in the great world wide web. I love you!**

 **And a special thanks to my beta :-* IF YOU STILL FIND MISTAKES; DEAL WITH THEM LIKE A PRO!**

 **Let's get started!**

* * *

 **17\. Regrets**

Suddenly the world stops spinning as I realize what might have happened to me if I hadn't listened to my inner voice.

Jack would have raped me.

Jack would have touched me with his dirty hands, he would have abused me in the most brutal way possible, not just physically, but also physiologically.

He would have destroyed my body and my soul.

The tears run down my face as I start trembling hysterically, hugging my upper body tightly as if I could fall apart any second. Shocked eyes look at me, arms hug me tightly as the screams of Jason and Jack can be heard. Immediately Elliott, Luke and Ethan run out of the room probably planning to help Jason, but I don't think that he needs any help. I have the feeling that Jason won't go easy on Jack.

"Ana." Leila whispers into my ear as she hugs me.

"Shh. It's over now. It's over."

"L-Leila." I stutter, crying my guts out, not able to stop my tears. "I-, I-"

Kate, Mia and Leila hold me tightly, patting my back, caressing my shoulders.

"She should sit down. She should drink something." Mia suggests quietly, helping the others to make me sit down.

"Leila, turn off the music and get Ana some water. Kate, go check up on the boys and call the police before they kill that fucking asshole." She says firmly, her arm around my shoulders. I press my face into her neck.

I have never been this scared in my life before, I have never felt anything remotely close to this. Each time I remember his breath on my neck, I feel like suffocating, my cries getting louder.

"Ana." Mia whispers, her perfume reminding me that I am safe now. "It's over now."

It's her new mantra for a couple of minutes, before she hisses loudly.

"What the hell are you doing there, Christian? Do something."

I look at him out of the corner of my eye, instinctively pulled into his spell just by the mention of his name. I notice that he is standing in the middle of the room, completely frozen, shocked, eyes widen and fists at his side. He looks as scared as me, not concerned or worried like the others. He looks like he gets me. He looks like he is the only one who feels my pain. He is too far away, too far away from me, but he is right inside my heart.

"Christian." I mumble weakly. It's a desperate call, a call I shouldn't make, but he is the only thing I need right now.

Suddenly his whole posture changes, his face relaxes, he steps toward me and sits down beside me, hugging me tightly and pulling me away from Mia.

"Ana. Ana. Ana." He says, his way to say sorry, his way to calm me.

"I was so scared." I say as clearly as possible, my heart beating rapidly against my chest. I feel how he kisses the top of my head over and over again.

"I know. I know. I'm here." As he promises to keep me safe, as he promises to be at my side forever, as he promises to never let me get hurt, I realize that this is all I get from him. Promises. Empty promises. I'm in his arms, but I will never be in his heart. The realization makes the tears stream down faster. Like the good person, like the good friend he is, he talks to me, tells me that Jack will never get close to me, oblivious to my inner war, oblivious to my feelings.

"Kate has called the cops. The boys are -" Leila stops in the middle of her sentence when she enters the living room with a glass of cold water in her hands. I feel her staring at us as she walks up to us.

"Have some water, Ana." She says softly before she kneels in front me. I let go off Christian, scared that she might be angry, but when I look into her eyes, I only see sorrow and pity. With shaking hands I take the glass out of her hands, gulping the water down with trembling lips. Christian doesn't leave my side, neither does his arm around my shoulders. Leila places a hand on my knee, whispering that she is here for me, that she will always be with me, no matter what happens.

I wonder if she will think the same way when she finds out that I am in love with her boyfriend. Will she think of it as cheating? Will she hate me? Will she understand that I never planned to take him away from her?

"Ana, the cops will probably ask you some questions. Will you be able to talk?" Mia asks, Christian's presence has made me forget that she is here.

"Does she really have to say anything? Isn't it obvious what happened?" Christian scowls at her, his arm pressing me closer to him.

"They will want to know what happened for the records, understandably." Leila says, reaching for my hand now.

"Jason and Luke are carrying Jack downstairs. It was difficult to persuade Jason not to beat Jack into a pulp. God knows he deserves it."

"Can we please not mention him?" I whisper, suddenly feeling angry. "I don't want to hear his name."

"I'm sorry, Ana. I'm so sorry." She whispers. "We all will be at your side if you want to. You don't have to face them alone."

"I just want to go home." I whisper and suddenly I am in Christian's arms. I yelp as he carries me across the room with a determined expression on his face.

"Get her stuff. I'm driving her home." He says to no one specifically as I wrap my arms around his neck, too surprised to say anything. I look at his scowling face, his pursed lips and his burning eyes.

He's saving me.

He has been trying to save me for so long now, from my best friends' never ending need to interfere in my life, from my own feature to let others abuse my kindheartedness, from all the things I have let happen to me.

But now, now that he is carrying me out of Elliott's apartment, away from Jack and everything else, I finally see that I needed someone to open my eyes, someone to save me.

And even if in the end only I can save myself, his help, his presence, him being him helps me.

"Christian. Wait." I hear Leila cry after us, her voice making my heart tremble, the guilt and the regrets back forcefully, but the sweet poison of self-delusion is too lulling. I close my eyes and let my savior save me, like the heroines in my books, because sometimes you need to be saved.

Sometimes you just got to feel like a wrack to be build up back.

Sometimes you just need someone else to collect the broken pieces, shattered around your ankles, cutting your skin and marking you forever.

"Ana, we will probably have to pass them. Just keep your eyes closed, okay? I promise he won't be getting anywhere close to you." I hear Christian says as he sprints down the stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator. I hug him tighter and nod, he whispers to me that it's alright now. When he opens the door on the main-floor, the cold weather of Seattle in January hits my face like a icy slap. As soon as we are out, I hear the loud sirens of a police car and the voices of Jason and Jack talking to an officer.

"Sir, we will need to... Hey! Where are you going with that lady, sir?" A loud voice roars, coming closer to us as Christian walks toward his car parked near Elliott's building. Christian ignores him completely.

"I will have to put you on your feet for a second to get the door. Will you be able to stand?" He asks me instead.

"It's no problem. Shouldn't we talk to the officer? I mumble, opening my eyes to look up at him. He grimaces and shakes his head.

"They can wait. You can talk to them tomorrow or whenever you want. Here." He helps me stand on my feet at the side of his car. Before I can get inside the car, the officer - a man with red hair and a clean shaven face - is at our side.

"According to your friends', this is the lady who got assaulted by Mr. Hyde. Ma'am, we need you to accompany us to the station. Do you want to press charges?" He says politely.

Christian snorts.

"Of course she does."

"I just want to go home tonight. Can I come in tomorrow?" I say, looking into the eyes of the officer, seeing his pity for me, hating it, but making use of it for now.

"Please." I whisper, watching him nod.

"Thank you." Christian says as Leila walks toward us with my purse and coat in her hands.

"Here." She says as she hands me over my stuff, hugging me again.

"I'm coming with you guys." Leila says as she lets go off me. "I will make you a hot cup of tea and put on the cheesiest movie on earth, knowing well that it won't make things any better, but I just hope that you will be as distracted as you can be at this point."

"Leila, I -" I start, wanting to thank her for being a good friend, for being at my side, but Christian interrupts me.

"No, Leila stay here. I'm driving Ana home. I think she needs some time for herself." His voice is taking no prisoners, making her gawk at him in shock.

"But -" She says, her blue eyes widen and her mouth an 'O'.

"I will call you later. I promise. Ana, get in the car." I smile at my best friend, just as shocked as she is, before following Christian's orders and getting inside his car. I don't know why he doesn't want her to come with us. It's not like she won't come home later, we live together after all.

But when he drives toward his own apartment, I understand what he meant with home. Apparently he was talking about his own. I don't know what to think about that. I don't want to feel excited about it.

"I know well that she won't give you the space you need if you go to your place. I just thought you would appreciate having your own space for... How long you need." He says with a shy shrug as we leave his car, his cheeks pink, but that might be because of the cold weather. "If you don't want to be at my place, I can drive you to yours, though."

I watch his reddened face, see how he shivers when a cold wind blows, see how he cares for me, knowing well that I like my time alone, especially in times like this, but oblivious that I don't mind being alone with him by my side.

He is the one I want to share all of my loneliness with.

"Thank you, Christian. I really appreciate it."

He smiles into the darkness of the night, only the weak light of the street lamp lightening his face, unaware of the butterflies in my stomach.

"For you, I would do anything."

I blush, my cheeks burning, his words making the butterflies in my stomach swirl around. It feels too good to be guilty about, or maybe that's just my selfish side showing. I think I deserve to be a little selfish tonight.

"You can stay as long as you want. If you don't want me around, I will just go -" He says as we take the elevator to his floor. I interrupt him with a shake of my head.

"It's your apartment. I don't want you to go."

"I just want you to feel comfortable. Whatever you need, it's yours." Christian picks out his keys from his pocket, trying to open his door.

"You are a really good friend, Christian. Leila is lucky to have you." I confess, feeling envious, feeling sad, regretting those feelings immediately. He drops his keys and mumbles something under his breath before he picks them up.

"Thanks."

He opens his apartment's door, his answer short and weird.

We step out of our coats and shoes, gladly welcoming his flat's heat, and he leads me to his bedroom to give me some clothes to change into. I change into his black sweatpants and gray hoodie when he leaves to make us some tea, feeling awkward in his bedroom, feeling awkward in his clothes. Like the weird psycho I apparently am, I sniff at his hoodie, soaking in his typical Christian smell and the detergent he uses to wash his clothes, wondering if Leila wore the same clothes before me, wondering what she would think about this.

She must freak out right now. She must be angry at me. Her boyfriend literally scooped me away in his arms to save me from he-who-shall-not-be-named, telling her not to come with us when she offered to accompany us. She probably blames me for taking away her boyfriend, she probably hates me.

I regret smelling his hoodie immediately.

"Ana?" Christian says from the other side of the door. "All I have is English Breakfast Tea. Would that be okay?"

"Sure." I answer loud enough for him to hear me while scowling at myself. I regret being here, but I don't see how I could get away now. The only good thing about this situation is that it distracts me from the disaster of tonight. I leave Christian's bedroom with a renewed purpose not to do anything I could regret later. Even the smallest amount of guilt and regret is making me sick.

I find him in his kitchen, brewing our teas in yellow and white stripped cups. When I reach for them, wanting to carry them to the living room, he tells me to leave it to him.

"Make yourself comfortable." He only says. I follow his order dutifully and lead the way to his living room, surprised to see that he had equipped one of his couches with pillows and blankets, the room only brightened up by the few candles he had lightened. It looks really cozy with the fake Christmas tree still standing in the corner, leftover from Christmas, it's lights glistening and throwing shadows.

"I just thought that this is... Soothing? Relaxing? I don't know what I thought." He says with a shrug after he places our cups on the coffee table in front of us.

"It's..." Too much.

"It's nothing." He scratches his neck. "It's nothing that could remedy what happened. It's just a desperate try to make me feel less regretful."

"What do you mean?" I ask, his blanket feeling soft and warm against me, his clothes too big, but comfortable. Christian scowls and squeezes his eyes tightly before he answers, his mouth a thin line.

"It happened because of me." His words surprise me.

"What?" I exclaim, stopping halfway in the action of getting my cup. He smiles tiredly, sighing.

"If you hadn't met me, you never would have met Jack and he never would have... He never could have..." Christian groans. "God. When I think about what could have happened."

I look at him with widened eyes. I look at him regretting meeting me. I look at him feeling guilty. I look at him and I see him. I see a man who blames himself for the monstrous crime Jack tried to commit tonight. I see a man who blames himself for leading to the actions of tonight. I see a man who hates himself for tonight's events. I see a man who regrets meeting me.

"It's not your fault, Christian." I whisper, my eyes filling with tears. I don't want him to regret meeting me, but I can understand it. I feel the same way. I hate the mess we are in, I hate that he is oblivious, I hate it, but still it isn't his fault. Jack is the guilty one.

"You couldn't have possibly known what could have happened. Don't blame yourself."

"I should have told Elliott not to invite him, but I thought that he wouldn't show up, not after what happened at the bar. I should have been more careful." I reach for his hand and squeeze it tightly, giving him a stern look.

"Stop blaming yourself for what could have happened. You didn't know that Jack would dare to do something like that, you can't blame yourself, because if you did, you would have prevented it." I tell him, watching him nod with closed eyes.

Suddenly he lunches forward and hugs me tightly, pressing me against his chest, kissing my head again and again.

"I don't know what I would have done if he had dared to touch you."

I close my eyes, the tears streaming down my face silently and soak in his smell, regretting it immediately.

But the sweet abyss of self-denial feels too good to be regretted.

* * *

"There is a cute looking guy for you, Ana." Charlotte, our new receptionist, whispers into the phone, sounding in awe.

"We should totally go out have some drinks if you know this good looking guys."

There are only two handsome men who could visit me at my office in the middle of the day: Ethan and Christian. And since Ethan works at the other part of the town and tends to spends his lunch breaks with his fiancée - understandably -, the good looking guy Charlotte is talking about can't be anyone else than Christian Grey. I grin at her hushed voice, practically seeing her reddened cheek and widen eyes in front of me. She is a nice girl whom I could see myself becoming friends with.

"Send him up. Thanks, Char."

The phone clicks as we hang up. Immediately I start tidying up my desk, getting rid of the crumbs of my last cookie and putting some open folders into the drawer of my desk. I am checking my face on my phone's front camera - thanking God that I don't have any yellow teeth since I didn't drink any coffee today - just when somebody knocks on my door. I take a deep breath and straighten my jacket.

"Come in." I say as loudly as possible, trying not to grin like a dumb fool when Christian steps in, dressed in his blue coat, black pants and a black, wool scarf. His hair's ends are wet just like his coat's shoulders, his cheeks flushed and his mouth curled with a smile.

"Hey, little Ana." He greets me as he closes the door behind himself.

"Hey. Did Luke tell you about that nickname?" I ask him with an eye roll as I stand up to hug him, knowing well that my coworker and friend are the only ones who calls me 'little Ana'. Christian grin becomes boyish as he nods, smelling like rain when we hug.

"Yeah, I caught him saying it and I guess, I liked it. It fits." He says, taking his coat and scarf off and hanging it over the chair in front of my desk, before sitting down on it.

"I'm not that small. Mia is smaller than me. Do you want to drink something?" I offer him, not even surprised that he visited me. Since the - what the group calls - "Jack fiasco 2016", Christian is overly attentive, calling me, texting me, eager to spend time with me whenever it is possible, just to make sure that I'm fine and not going nuts anymore. The last four weeks haven't been easy, yes, I had a few nightmares that kept me awake, but with the support of my friends - especially Christian's - I have managed to survive the trauma. The police has made me give a testimony, so Jack was now behind bars, where he belonged. I just hope to never see him again.

"Wouldn't say no to some tea. It's freezing outside." He says, rubbing his hands to warm his palms. "The rain feels like ice."

"Peppermint? Or black? That's all we have as tea, unfortunately." I say as I pick up the phone to order our drinks. I think I will join him with tea.

"Peppermint works for me. I had planned to bring us something to eat, too, but my boss has been cracking the whip all day. I barely made it out alive." The skin around his eyes crinkle when he laughs. Small details like that never miss my eye, obviously making me look more pathetic than I already am. I wonder if he notices stuff like that about me, too.

"We have some cookies. I could spare you some, being the kindhearted person I am." I raise my chin with a playful proud expression on my face, holding my hand over my chest where my heart beats underneath. It has become our little gag, exaggerating things like this, and making each other laugh. I have grown used to it. It's something only we do with each other.

"Thank god. Otherwise I would starve to death." He exclaims and holds his open palms toward his face while looking up to the ceiling as if he is praying. I giggle just as I order our teas via phone before fishing my box of cookies out of my drawer.

"I made them myself this time. We don't have to to endure Kate's baking skills like last time." My friends have been overly attentive in the last few weeks, throwing gifts and attention at me. Kate had baked me a tray of her newest cookies recipe from Pinterest - unfortunately baking wasn't her strongest skill.

"Don't remind me. Poor Elliott had to eat lots of them so she wouldn't get pissed." He laughs, reaching for one of my peanut butter cookies, humming delighted as he takes a bite.

"God. I love you and your cookies." He moans with closed eyes, unaware of my gawking. I have noticed that Christian uses the L-word a lot, he loves the way rain smells, he loves peanut butter cookies, he loves action movies, he loves to dance while cooking, and he loves the way Leila laughs.

"For someone who hates sweets so much, you make mean cookies." He compliments me as he reaches for another one. I do the same, my gawking getting a little too obvious.

"You are throwing compliments today, aren't you? It's really great for my ego." I say with a small smirk, making him roll his eyes.

"And you seem to be okay with me stroking your ego, which is a first. Usually you don't like anyone complimenting you." He fires back, a cocky grin on his lips.

"I am just trying to get used to it." I answer.

"You are really trying, not just with the well deserved compliments, but with everything, Ana." Christian says, now sounding serious.

"If you are talking about what happened with Jack..." He interrupts me with a shake of his head.

"Not just that, although I'm in awe how strong you are. How you didn't let it ruin you, but I meant your general behavior toward people, you have started to break your shell." He says, sounding proud, unaware that he's the one giving me strength, but not making me dependent on him. That was probably the only good thing about him being my best friend's boyfriend and not mine. It's also a good sign that I can see the pros of my messed up situation. I try not to grin.

In the last few weeks, I had tried to make peace with myself. I had tried to make me understand my mistakes of the past, my weaknesses and my regrets.

I was wrong about my feelings for Christian. I only had seen them as romantic ones, only thinking about him as my prince in a shiny armor, only thinking about him as the Darcy to my Elizabeth, the Romeo to my Juliet, the Heathcliff to my Catherine. I never saw him as my friend, my savior even maybe, my tower of strength, the person on who I could always depend on. Yes, Leila was my best friend, I knew that she would stay at my side no matter what, but there was something Christian that made the connection between us more special than anything I had with Leila before. I had been dumb enough to misinterpret this connection as undying love. I loved him, that was no secret, but maybe we were meant to be just friends, maybe love wasn't meant to be between us. I didn't want to lose him or Leila.

I had been weak because I had let my feelings overcome me, even if I had mastered the art of ignoring them for so long now, but I had been a fool thinking that feelings like this could or should be ignored. I had to face them, accept them and deal with them. The best way to deal with them would be to talk to Christian and Leila about them, but I don't think I'm brave enough to do something like that. I am acting a little selfishly, losing them is scaring me more then lying to them constantly, but selfishness had never been my cup of tea and for once I could take a sip of it, especially if it was for the greater good. I regretted being a silly, little coward.

I regretted not being the first one to talk to him, I regretted keeping my mouth shut, because even though I wanted Leila's happiness, I also would have preferred if I wasn't in love with the boyfriend of my best friend. I wish I had just talked to him that day before she did. Even if he would have turned me down, I wouldn't be standing here now, thinking about all this stuff. I wouldn't feel regret, I would have forgotten him eventually, I would have moved on. Leila probably wouldn't have dated him, she never would have got to know him so she would have moved on, too. Maybe she would have gotten together with Mitch, maybe she would have met somebody else. Maybe I would have gotten together with Ben.

But the thing was, even if I regret all these things, I didn't regret meeting Christian. I didn't regret becoming his friend.

"I'm trying. I hope I will succeed." I say just as somebody knocks on the door. Joe steps in, our office's coffee and tea guy who could be irrationally funny, carrying a tray with our teas. Originally we were supposed to make our drinks ourselves, but when Robert's, our boss, wife had begged him to give a job to her cousin, he had only managed to make him our coffee guy. His wife wasn't pleased, but Joe was nowhere qualified to work as an editor. We thank him as he places our cups on my desk.

"I did something today." Christian says after a few minutes of silence as we sip our teas, the heavy conversation thankfully gone now. I raise one eyebrow at him, looking at him over the edge of my cup.

"You did?" I ask.

He sighs before he places his drink back on the desk.

"I don't know if it's stupid or irrational, but I just did it."

"Is it a crime? Am I just becoming your partner in crime? Do you need me to get rid of a body?" I joke, making him snicker.

"Nothing like that, but good to know that you are willing. You know what day it is on February 14th?"

"Well, every year that day is celebrated as Valentine's Day, but Mia has declared it to be 'Mia and Ethan' day this year. Go on." I answer him, my eyes immediately darting to the calendar on my desk, counting the days until the big day. I might be as nervous as the bride to be, who has been driving us crazy more and more with each passing day. Who could blame her though? There were only two weeks left after all.

"It's really last minute, but I heard my boss talk about it and since it's Leila and mine first Valentine's Day together, I thought it would be a great idea."

"What have you done?" I grin, not knowing how good of an idea Christian can come up with by himself. In the past, he had always asked me for help with presents and yes, he had been willing to do anything for her, but I am curious about his own ideas. He brushes his face with his hands, sighing tiredly.

"It might be over the top, but she clearly deserves it. My boss had planned to take his wife to New York for a week after Valentine's Day, but then her father became ill, something serious, so he had to cancel it, but I kinda have proposed to take over the planned vacation, you know to take Leila to New York since she always wanted to go and I even called her boss to check if she would be able to take off for a week and he was surprisingly nice about it, which surprised me since Leila always describes him as a mean ass." He babbles, sounding out of breath by the end, taking my breath away in the mean time, too.

Christian Grey has a romantic soul, he loves big gestures and I know Leila will be more than thrilled.

"And I fear that she won't like it, that it's too soon and that she will get angry because I planned everything without asking her, but I thought it would be a great surprise. You know, I could pretend to have no plans for Valentine's Day and on the end of the night, I could tell her that I am taking her to New York the next day." He says with a nervous voice. I love how he desperately tries to make sure that she will be happy.

"Christian." I stop his ramble with a raised hand. "I don't know why you are so nervous about it. She will love it."

"Isn't it too big, too soon? We are not even together for a year." Christian says, making me wonder if he has doubts about their relationship.

"If you are thinking that way, why did you plan everything then? You wouldn't have bought the tickets, if you were doubting your decision, Christian." I tell him softly.

"I just thought about what Leila deserves and that I want to give her everything I can. She deserves all the great gestures, all the stuff Mr. Big did for Carrie in Sex and the City and thanks to you girls now I know everything about that damned TV show." He laughs nervously.

"Christian, if the things Leila deserves and the things you want are different, then you probably should set your priorities."

Funny that I am saying that. I'm putting the things I want also behind the things Leila deserves. I'm no different than him.

"I want Leila. I do." He groans with squeezed eyes. "I know I do. Why shouldn't I? She is great. God. She deserves this trip and I want her. I'm doing it, Ana. I'm taking her to New York."

I watch how the insecurity in his eyes changes into a cold determination, gone are his doubts and his nervousness. He looks like a man who could do anything for the woman he loves.

"But I will need your help like always." He says with a smile and soon we are lost in planning their trip and everything needed for it. I will help him pack Leila's luggage, getting it to his place since Christian will lure her there after the wedding so they can drive to the airport the next morning to take their flight to New York. Christian makes me promise not to tell anyone else about his plan, since he doesn't want her to find out. He says he knows well that I am the only one he can completely trust. I try not to feel victorious because of his confession.

"Thanks again, Ana." He says as he puts on his coat and his scarf.

"It's nothing. Really." I brush him off and he leans down to hug me, pressing me tightly against his chest. The fabric of his coat smells of his perfume and like the junkie I am, I try to take in as much as possible.

"I don't know how I will ever pay you for all the things you did for me."

"Just make Leila happy. That's worth all the trouble."

* * *

"I look ridiculous." Mia starts picking the hair pins out of her hair, making Kate cry out when she sees how the bride to be destroys her hair.

"You look breathtaking, dear." Mia's mother, Elizabeth, says in order to calm her daughter down. Mia's eyes dart from one place to another, finally landing on the humongous mirror standing in the corner. Meanwhile Kate has stopped her ruining her freshly made hair. It is put into small bun at the end of her neck, a silver crown sitting on her head, her make-up professionally done by a make-up artist she had found online.

"I don't like this dress. I look like a goose. It's tight and silly." Mia whines, now trying to get out of her dress. Leila stops her by taking her hands in between hers, shaking them and shaking her.

"No. Listen, Mia, I'm not having any of these typical bride nervous breakdowns. You look like a princess, a fucking beautiful princess, and you don't have any reason to feel insecure, okay? Okay?" She nearly screams, making Mia's dizzy expression turn into something more relaxed.

"Finally." Leila sighs with a victorious smile as she lets go off Mia. "Give that girl a drink."

I quickly fetch Mia a glass of champagne - something ridiculously expensive, sponsored by Ethan's father. She thanks me as I give her the glass.

"I look like a princess." She mumbles after she has taken a huge gulp of her champagne. "We all do."

Mia looks satisfied at her white wedding dress and our lilac bridesmaids dresses.

"I guess I can marry looking like that."

"You better do, sweetheart. Nobody is gonna leave my brother in front of the altar." Kate smirks, earning an eye roll from her not so future sister-in-law.

"Kate would tackle you down and probably force you to walk that aisle." Leila says, now sitting down on one of the elegant looking chairs in the room, crossing her legs at her knees.

"Can you imagine that?" Kate laughs, her nude colored lips opening, showing her white, pearly teeth. "That would be one hell of a show. People would talk about it for years. 'Sister-in-law drags the running bride to the alter by her hair'. I could write about it."

"You just want a good story. Stop imaging my wedding turning into a catastrophe." Mia gives her a stern look.

"Good thing that there are lots of cameras here. I might need the pictures." Kate goes on, distracting Mia from her own nervousness by infuriating her.

"Fuck you." Mia grimaces, earning a sour look from her mum. "Don't look at me like that, mother. I'm a nervous bride, I can curse as much as I want today."

"I can remember you cursing enough for the next eternity two days ago." Leila snickers, obviously referring to Mia's bachelorette party. The girls had dragged me to a strip club where half naked men had danced in tight pants and with obscene moves. It had felt like torture to me. Mia had gotten really drunk that night, cursing like a sailor every time she put a twenty dollar bill into a glittering thong.

The bride blushes heavily, throwing Leila an angry look as she masterfully changes the topic, obviously not wanting to talk about her bachelorette party in front of her mother. I can't imagine what Elizabeth would say if she found out about that night's events.

"Did you see how Aunt Marge looked at Ethan yesterday at the Rehearsal Dinner? She was jealous because her daughter, Jessica, married that hideous giant." Mia gossips, a desperate try to distract her mother.

"Well, at least he's nice and he seems to really love Jessica, which is surprising since it's not easy to love someone like Jessica." Elizabeth says with pursed lips.

"Remember that time she ruined my favorite dress deliberately, just because I was happy to have it? Okay, she was just ten years old back then, but still her jealousy and envy hasn't left since then. I swear I saw her turn green when she saw my wedding dress this morning." Mia says.

"Seems like gossip runs in the family." Leila whispers to me, making me giggle. The knock on the door interrupts us. It's Mia's father.

"Ladies, it's time."

The ceremony itself is just as fairytale -like as she is. Ethan and Mia got married in front of a huge glass wall which showed the snow covered forest at the backside of the hotel. The garlands, flowers and lights were wrapped around pillars and doors of the saloon, white and lilac colors. The happy couple stood in front of their nearest and dearest, holding each others hands while they made their vows, bringing nearly every one to tears with their deep, honest love. Ethan had his doubts when Mia had stated that she didn't want to marry in a church, but now having seen the decorated saloon, I was sure he was glad that he had agreed.

After Mia officially became Mrs. Ethan Kavanaugh and they shared a swoon worthy kiss, we celebrated the newlyweds with a glass of champagne. We wished them congratulations before they had their first dance - like Mia had wanted, they danced to 'A thousand years' by Christina Perri, a song which described the kind of relationship they had. I stand shyly at the side of the dance floor, watching my friends dance, Mia with Ethan, Kate with Elliott, Luke with Andrea and Leila with Christian. Ethan and Kate's cousin from Texas, a blond, tall guy called Paul, asks me for a dance and in honor of Mia and Ethan's special day, I dance with him for a few songs. He's a nice guy, a little bit naïve, but nice enough to talk to. He even gets me a drink afterward before he accompanies me to my table. Leila and Christian are sitting in their chairs, watching me with raised eyebrows and smiles on their faces.

"Look who is finally returning to her table." Leila says with a pleased grin. "I thought you guys were going to dance longer than Mia and Ethan."

"We didn't dance that long." I say, flushing ridiculously. I concentrate on the simple task of drinking some water, trying to ignore the burning looks my best friend is giving me.

"Four songs, Ana. That's quite some time." Leila keeps grinning with a satisfied expression on her face.

"An average song takes up to four minutes. Four times four is sixteen. Sixteen minutes aren't that long." I say as serious as I can sound. She crosses her arms at her chest, the heart shaped décolleté showing the top of her breasts.

"Plus you talked to him at the Rehearsal Dinner, too." She says in a sing-sung voice, making me huff and annoying me.

"I made small talk. Polite small talk. Nothing more, nothing less. Now please drop the subject." I say with pursed lips, now reaching for my wine.

"Okay, then we won't talk about the way Paul looked at you or how he smiled at you." She says with an eye roll. "I need more wine to ignore all that. Sweetie, will you get me some red wine?"

"Of course. Ana, do you want something from the bar?" Her boyfriend says as he gets up, his mouth a displeased line. I'm sure her weird obsession about pestering me with my poor, pathetic, non existent love life angers him. That's exactly what he had tried to end.

"No, thanks. I'm fine." I say and he winks at me before he goes off to get his girlfriend her drink.

"Okay, now quickly tell me what exactly he has planned." Leila asks me fiercely after she makes sure he is far away. We watch him disappear between Mia and Ethan's guests.

"I can't tell you anything. It's bad enough that you found out, which you wouldn't have if you hadn't eavesdropped on my phone calls." I warn her.

"Come on, Ana. I am only eighty-nine percent sure that I heard something about plane tickets, but that's probably not true, right? He is not flying me somewhere, right? Ana?" She keeps asking, looking at me with a nervous expression.

"I can't tell you anything and I won't. If you don't stop asking, I will... I will tell him to blow it off, whatever it is he is planning." I hiss, not wanting to ruin the surprise, he has planned. He's very excited about the whole New York thing, he had laughed gleefully when I had packed Leila's luggage for him. It hasn't been easy, getting something out of Leila's closet without her noticing it's normally impossible, but thanks to the distraction of Mia and Ethan's wedding, I had managed to pack her luggage.

"Come on, Ana. Please." Leila begs with a pout.

"Nope. I'm not telling you anything." I deliberately turn my back to her, facing the dance floor while I hear how she mumbles something underneath her breath. I can't stop grinning like a fool, knowing well that she will be more than thrilled when she finds out where he's taking her. It's surprising that I don't feel like somebody has killed my puppy at the thought that the man I love is taking my best friend to a dream worthy vacation. Maybe I have managed to end my feelings for him. That sounds more sad than it actually is. I'm feeling grateful. It feels good not to feel guilty every time I look at Leila.

"Here, darling." Christian says when he returns with her wine. He gets a warm greeting, oblivious that she has been trying to get information out of me. By the end of the night, I have danced with Ethan, Luke and Christian, not for sixteen minutes though. The cake Mia has chosen gets served after rounds of delicious food, the drinks keep coming and I have fun.

We gather around Mia and Ethan's car at the end of the night, saying our goodbyes since they are leaving for the airport to go to their honeymoon on Ibiza. The newlyweds promise us to call us, hugging each of us tightly, while the most of us can't stop crying. A great part of our group has done something incredibly mature: they married. Their love is inspirational.

I hope, one day we all will be able to do the same. Kate with Elliott, although she isn't a fan of marriages. Luke with Andrea, who knows what will happen with them.

And of course, Christian with Leila. It's obvious that they will marry someday, why shouldn't they, they love each other.

And I will be happy for them.

I watch Leila and Christian drive away, giggling happily, their love visible to anyone, so perfect and pure that it's hard and impossible to hate it.

Something this good can't be hated.

Something this good can't be destroyed by anyone.

I lay in my bed until next morning, thinking about all the happiness around me, about all the love, about every memory of my friends, feeling happy for them. I am proud of them, proud about how they build their lives, how they managed to overcome every chaos and drama, how much they love each other.

And for the first time in my life, I'm completely at peace with my crazy mess. I am happy because my friends are happy. I will find my own happiness someday, even if it's not with Christian. Knowing that he makes my best friend happy is the most romantic thing he could ever do for me.

Everything seems fine until my phone rings in the early hours of the day after Mia and Ethan's wedding. Groggily I get up from my bed, taking the call with a rough voice, sleep still resting in my bones.

"Hello?" "Ana-" A voice says, shaking followed by hiccups. "Ana-"

"Leila? Leila, are you okay? Are you crying?" I am fully awake immediately, sounding panicked.

"Ana-" She cries out, taking shaky breaths, in and out.

"Ana, Christian broke up with me."

* * *

 **Meli runs for the hills.**

 **Laters.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Look who is back only after three days.**

 **Two reasons for this early update: 1. Inspiration hit me so hard that I had to use a safeword. 2. One of my dearest readers, Lisanomoreaguest, has stated that she will be out of town for the next couple of days and if I update in her absence, she won't be able to read since she has no Internet access.**

 **Everybody say thanks to Lisanomoreaguest :D**

 **But updating early means no betaing this time, so be nice and ignore my mistakes (to everyone pointing them out each time, I KNOW THAT I AM NOT PERFECT! ENGLISH ISN'T MY NATIVE LANGUAGE.)**

 **What can I say about your reviews? WOW. W.O.W. I am speechless. Glad that you liked my last chapter, a few of you mentioned squealing and giggling like a school girl at the end of it.**

 **Let's see what you will think of this one ;)**

* * *

 **18\. Broken hearts**

"Ana, Christian broke up with me."

The world stops spinning with just a few little words out of her mouth. The earth stands still, maybe metaphorically, maybe not, maybe it's just in my head. Maybe it's just because my own world, the one in my head and in my heart, that stopped spinning. Maybe I just want it to stop so I don't have to deal with what is coming.

I'm speechless.

I'm out of breath.

I'm confused.

I don't understand what just happened, it's too early for me to comprehend something like that. I try to think about the consequences of Leila's phone call, I try to think about her words.

Christian broke up with her.

Why?

Why?

Why?

I try to think about a reason for their break-up. I try to think about signs of a fight. No, they weren't fighting. Last time I saw them, they were heading to his apartment after Mia and Ethan's wedding and in the morning they would have taken a flight to New York, Christian's Valentine's Day present for her. She had eavesdropped on me talking to him over the phone, somehow she had noticed that we were tiptoeing around her, and since then she had pestered me with questions. Even though she hated being clueless, she had been happy and excited because she was madly in love with Christian, the man who had planned a getaway week in New York for her, just like she had always wanted. I had watched them dance, song after song - more than sixteen minutes -, I watched her look at him with so much love in her eyes, that it could have sickened me if she wasn't my best friend. I was the hopeless romantic type, but even I had my limits with the amount of love people displayed. And Leila was deeply in love with Christian. She loved him so much that I gladly forgot about my own feelings for him, just because she was happy with him.

And at the end of the night, she had hugged me tightly, thanking me for my help - "I don't know what you helped him with, although if you should feel like sharing it with me, now is a perfect time, but I am grateful, no matter what it is. I love you, Ana." - and she had walked toward Christian's car and their future together.

And now, he broke up with her.

Why?

"Ana, are you there?" Leila sobs into the phone, her panicked voice taking me back to the now and then. My friend needs me.

"Leila, where are you? What happened? Where is Christian?" I ask her, already taking off my pajama pants and looking for my jeans. Thank god, I have cleaned my face last night of the make-up, Mia's make-up artist had put on.

"He left. He left me at the airport." She tells me, sniffing her nose. Now I notice the loud noises in the background, noises of trolleys being pulled over the linoleum floor of the airport and the monotone voice of the Intercom.

"Why? What happened-"

She interrupts me.

"Ana, please just come and get me. Please. I can't do this on my own. Please, Ana." She begs, her crying getting louder now.

"Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm on way. Just stay where you are. Leila, I'm on way." As we hang up, I put on my jeans clumsily, nearly falling down twice as I stumble to the bathroom where I put my hair into an easy ponytail. I don't bother changing my t-shirt - a big, gray thing with two holes at the collar -, I just put on my coat and my boots. Just when I lay my hand on the door handle to head out, the realization that I don't own a car hits me out of the blue. Fuck. Leila's car is at Christian's apartment, I would have taken it instead, but I can't walk all the way to his apartment, it's too far away. I would take a cab but I don't know how I will manage to get us one on the ride back. I can't depend on a cab, who knows what will happen with Leila, and the airport is always overflowed with travelers and cabs are rare.

I call the only person I know who doesn't turn off her phone's volume even at night, just because she wouldn't want to miss an opportunity for a groundbreaking story.

"You better have a really good reason to call me, Ana." She says roughly into the phone, yawning loudly.

"Kate, I need you to drive me to the airport now." I tell her and before I can go on, she interrupts me.

"Why? Are you going on a last minute vacation?" She asks. I hear how she lays down, her cushion and blanket crinkling.

"It's just Ana, baby. Go back to sleep." She whispers to her boyfriend, Elliott.

"Listen, Kate. I don't have much time, just please get ready. I will walk to your apartment so you don't have to pick me up. Leila needs our help, Kate. It's an emergency."

I don't give her the chance to say something, I just hear her gasp before I hang up, knowing well that her curiosity will make her get dressed faster. I head downstairs, sprinting practically down the stairs while buttoning up my coat, not bothering to wait for the elevator. On my way to Kate's apartment, I slip twice on the icy pavement, falling on my ass not very elegantly. I wince as I try to ignore the pain.

It takes me exactly sixteen minutes - oh, the irony - to get to Kate's place. Like I had told her, she is waiting for me at her car with crossed arms and a pissed off expression. Her blonde hair is still in the hairdo she was sporting last night, her make-up smudged around the edges and her clothes consisting of her pajama pants, her Seahawks t-shirt and her long coat from Versace. Elliott is standing beside her with an equally chaotic outfit, but with a nicer expression.

"What the hell, Ana? You call me in the early hours of the day, telling me something about airports, Leila and emergencies. What is Leila doing at the airport? What happened to her? Is she alright? Where is her boyfriend? Why didn't you tell me more on the phone? Why did you have to make me go insane?" She asks me fiercely, her lips pursed. Elliott unlocks the doors and starts the car when we are seated.

"I didn't have time to tell you every thing on the phone, Kate. I had to run all the way through Seattle." I explain, my limbs warming thank to the AC of the car.

"Now you better talk then. What's happening, Ana?" She asks, giving me a piercing look from rear-view-mirror. I take a deep breath, before I answer her, knowing well that she will freak out when she hears the full story.

"Christian planned a surprise Valentine's Day trip to New York. That's why they went to the airport this morning."

"What the hell? Look what your brother is doing for his girlfriend. Tell her what you got me for Valentine's Day." Kate scowls at her boyfriend, who is driving us through Seattle with an apologetic smile on his face.

"I bought her an eyebrow and make-up kit." He says with reddened cheeks and a shrug. I smile at the back of his head.

"She said that she wanted it." He explains himself with a shrug, making Kate roll her eyes.

"I would have liked something remotely romantic plus the kit." Kate purses her lips and turns her head away from him with her arms crossed at her chest.

"Ana, please continue before she kills me." He begs me, giving me a pleading look through the rear-view-mirror.

"Well, they were going to take the early flight today. But this morning Leila called me and told me that she is at the airport and that Christian broke up with her." I say, deciding that I need to blurt it out because otherwise I won't be able to say it, making Kate gasp as her boyfriend nearly pulls the car over.

"What?" Kate shrieks, turning in her seat to face me, her eyes widen.

Immediately they ask me why Christian broke up with Leila, what did happen, where is Christian, but I stop them, telling them that I don't know much, just that Leila is at the airport and that she is crying.

"He left her alone at the airport? He broke up with her there?" Kate shrieks again, her face red from anger.

"How could he? That damned asshole." She hisses, making Elliott cough with raised eyebrows.

"He is my brother, so could we please avoid words like 'asshole'? I'm not trying to defend him, but I am not attacking him until I know his reasons." Elliott explains matter of factly. Kate huffs and shakes her head.

"What possible reason could he have to break up with her at the freaking airport? I mean, why break up with someone for whom you have organized a special Valentine's Day gift?" Kate scowls, asking the right questions.

I don't know what Christian was thinking when he broke up with Leila, I don't know what he was thinks all along. I just know that he seemed to be happy, he loved her and he wanted to give her all the things she deserved. He wanted to make her happy.

I never had a doubt about his feelings for her. I saw the way he looked at her, he looked at her the way I wanted him to look at me secretly, but I saw how happy he made my best friend, so I gladly went through the pain to watch their happiness and their love. Leila was happy. Christian was happy. I was happy because they were happy.

Why?

Why?

Why, Christian?

Why did you do it, Christian? Why did you break up with her? Where you secretly unhappy? If so, why didn't you break up with her earlier? Why did you wait this long? And why did you have to break up with her right before your vacation and at the airport of all places?

My heart skips a beat when I think about him being unhappy and me being oblivious to it. Why didn't I see it? I frown at myself, feeling guilty since I was a bad friend all along. If he had a problem, why didn't he share it with me? Didn't I give him the feeling that I would always be at his side? Tears pool in my eyes, the thought of being a failure as a friend sickening me.

I can't stop feeling angry at him, though. Leila didn't deserve this, not like this anyway. If he was unhappy, he shouldn't have planned this whole trip, he shouldn't have waited for the very last minute to break up with her, he should have told her before she had felt like all of her dreams came true. He shouldn't have pretended to be her prince, especially not if he acted like the villain in the end. He broke Leila's fairytale, he destroyed her dreams and shattered her heart. I would gladly help her pick up the pieces he had left, but I don't know what I would do with the anger I felt right now. Elliott was right, though. I would have to wait for his explanation before I could attack him.

My phone rings, taking me back to reality. It's a good thing I remembered to pack it. Leila's name on the display makes my heart flutter with worry.

"Leila? Are you okay?" I ask immediately, my thoughts running wild, imaging all kind of things which might have happened to her.

"Where are you, Ana? I'm waiting at a cafe at the main central." She is still crying, less heavily now, but her voice breaks my heart even more. I think I like Christian less and less with each passing minute.

"I'm on my way, Leila. Elliott and Kate are driving me since I couldn't get your car because it's at Chr-" I stop immediately, fearing that the mention of his name could hurt her more than she already is in pain.

"Ana. It hurts so much." She whispers, the last part of her words not audible as she starts crying louder.

"Ssh. We are on our way. We will be there soon. I'm so sorry, Leila. I'm so sorry." I try to soothe her, even though it isn't helpful, I don't think anything I say could help her. "Stay on the phone. We will be there in ten to fifteen minutes."

"Ana." She keeps muttering, her new mantra.

"I know." I say each time, feeling her pain. The man she loves just broke up with her, I think that's worse than watching him from afar. I don't know what I would have done if I was in her position.

"What is she saying?" Kate asks curiously, her anger less audible but I know it's there. Kate can hold a grudge like nobody else. Her piercing blue eyes look at me through the mirror. I motion that Leila is crying, making Kate huff and scowl.

"Why did he have to break up with me, Ana? Why?" Leila asks, doubting herself constantly, asking me questions I have no answers for. I have a couple of questions for her too, but I don't ask them on the phone, I wait until we arrive at the airport. Like she has said, we find her at a small bistro in the main central with a mascara smudged face and lots of used tissues in front of her on the table. A young waitress is at her side with a sympathetic expression on her face and a cup of tea for Leila. When she sees us, she explains how she has found Leila at the terminal sitting on the floor crying on her way to work this morning.

"I got her here before the security could suspect her to be, I don't know, someone evil." She whispers, deliberately tiptoeing around words like 'terrorist' and 'bomb' while she talks. I don't know why someone should suspect her to be a terrorist just because she was crying at the airport, it's not like terrorists are famous for crying, but I have more serious problems to deal with than the naivety of a random waitress.

"Ana." Leila cries out, hugging me tightly as I lean down toward her. Her suitcase is standing beside her on the floor, her purse lying neglected beside it. I pat her back as I hug her, not able to hold my own tears now. Seeing her this broken, this hurt makes me feel confused about my own decision of the past. I regret letting Christian near her, if I had told Leila that I had feelings for him since the beginning, maybe they wouldn't have gotten together and Leila wouldn't have get hurt, even if I wouldn't get him myself. I would have gladly stayed away from him completely, I would have gladly gave up my friendship with him, if that meant that she wouldn't get hurt.

I regret letting Christian Grey near my friend.

I should have told her about my stupid feeling right there at Seatdown many months ago. I shouldn't have let Christian hurt my friend. I should have confessed my feelings to him, I should have given him the opportunity to laugh at me because I was asking someone like him out, instead of letting him hurt her.

"We should get her home. Leila, we are getting you home. Elliott, get her stuff." Kate is the master of the situation, her arm around Leila's shoulders when we stand up.

"Kate." Now Leila cries at her shoulder, as I get her purse and Elliott her suitcase. We throw each other a frustrated look as we look at the backs of Kate and Leila.

"Did you know?" I whisper at him. He shakes his head with a tired sigh.

"Tell us what happened. Tell us what that bastard did to you, Leila." Kate asks when we sit down in the car, not bothering to drive off. I sit in the back with Leila, while Kate and Elliott sit in the front.

"Kate." Elliott snaps, frowning at her.

"I'm sorry, Elliott, but after what he has done to my friend, I can call him whatever the fuck I want." She hisses back.

"We don't know what he did. Let her talk before you call my brother any names." Elliott's mouth is a thin line. I feel like this whole situation is going to be an issue between them.

"Leila, do you want to tell us? Don't force yourself if you don't feel like it, okay? Take your time." I whisper to my best friend, handing her an handkerchief from my pocket as she starts crying again. When she answers, her voice shakes.

"He woke me up this morning, telling me that we have to go, that we have to leave since there was a plane waiting for us at the airport. I thought he was making fun of me since it was super early, but he persuaded me to get up and have breakfast. I had no idea where we were headed when we arrived at the airport, only at the check-in I saw that we were headed to New York." She blows her nose, hiccuping before going on.

"I freaked out. I freaked out big time. I couldn't believe it so I hugged and kissed him, thanking him for his gift. I told him that I love him, over and over again as I hugged him and suddenly everything changed. He let go off me and looked at me with a panicked expression. I asked him what was wrong, but he couldn't answer me, he just kept muttering that he was an idiot over and over again. Next thing I know he tells me that he is sorry and that he has to leave. I asked him why, what happened. I couldn't understand what was happening with him out of the blue. And then.."

Leila stops as she cries and cries, unable to talk.

"Then what?" Kate asks. Leila takes my hand, needing the support before she can say the following things.

"And then he told me that he loved somebody else and that he felt like cheating on the both of us if he kept being in a relationship with me."

"What the fuck?" Kate exclaims, her palm meeting the cushion of her car seat. "What the fuck? He has been cheating on you? That asshole."

"Kate." It's my turn to frown at her. Her sudden exclaims are interrupting Leila.

"No, he swears that he hasn't cheated on me. He just couldn't stop thinking about her. And when we were at the airport, he felt like cheating on her. He told me he loved her too much to go to New York with me." Leila whispers, shaking her head with closed eyes as if she could shake the recent events out of her head.

"He shouldn't care about her damned feelings. He should care for you. Only you. He has cheated on you, maybe not physically but emotionally." Kate scowls, her jaw tense and her eyes squeezed.

"Who is that bitch anyway? Is it Elena?"

Leila gasps. "I don't know. He hasn't told me. But what if it is Elena? What if he has been going behind my back from the beginning?"

"My brother wouldn't cheat on you." Elliott, who has kept his silence until now, says seriously.

"He already did." Kate says. He ignores her.

"I'm not trying to say that he had the right to leave you at the airport like this, but if we consider that he confessed that he has feelings for someone else at the very last minute, it seems like he is confused himself. It's very simple actually. He is in love with her, but he didn't want to hurt you. I don't think he did mean any harm."

I look at him with an open mouth and widen eyes. I didn't expect something like this from him.

So didn't Kate.

"He didn't mean to hurt her? He didn't mean any harm?" She gets louder with every word. "But he did. He hurt her. Why plan a romantic getaway when you have feelings for someone else? Or did these feelings just appear overnight? You can't fall in love with someone just out of the blue."

Oh yes. You can. But that's another issue.

"But it speaks for him that he has confessed his feelings even if it was last minute. I think he tried to force himself into a relationship with Leila just because he felt guilty since the moment he fell in love with that other woman." Elliott says, making Leila sob.

"Do you think I forced him to stay with me? Am I that unbearable?" She asks, her doubts visible on her face. I am angry at Christian for making her doubt herself, I think and add it to the list of reasons I am angry at him.

1\. He broke her heart. - Why? She didn't deserve this.

2\. He left her at the airport - what kind of person does that?

3\. He makes her doubt herself. - Leila has no reason to doubt herself since she is the best kind of person one could have as a girlfriend. She is caring, witty, funny, sympathetic, a little dorky but that's her charm.

4\. He made me angry at him. - I am angry at him for disappointing me.

"No. Don't you ever blame yourself. I won't let you blame yourself, okay?" I exclaim suddenly with furrowed brows. "You were nothing but perfect, you never gave him a reason to leave you. You loved him, Leila. You loved him more than you ever have loved someone. You gave everything to him, your soul, your body, your life. And if he throws all that away, then fuck him."

I remember my anger at him on Thanksgiving. I remember that anger was easier to handle than affection. Anger catalyzed my love into a foul mouth apparently.

"I can't let him go, Ana. I can't... I need him." Leila cries out, putting her face into her hands. "I don't know what to do."

Her voice is a mumble, my heart trembling when I look at her.

"You are not going to run after him, are you?" Kate gasps. "Leila?"

"Kate, not now." Elliott warns her as I press Leila against my side, kissing the top of her hair.

"Where the hell is he anyway? Did he run to his whore?" Kate laughs uglily. I give her a mean look. She shouldn't be so hostile toward a person she doesn't know. Who knows who is the secret lady of Christian's life. I try to remember every female name out of his mouth, try to make out who he could be in love with, but na da. He hasn't behaved suspiciously. In fact, he looked so in love with my best friend, that it pained me to watch them.

"I don't know. He just told me that he has to go." Leila whispers. Kate turns to her boyfriend and looks at him suspiciously.

"Did you know about this?" She asks him reproachfully. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"Do you think I would have let him break up with her like this? If he had a problem, he should have talked to her like an adult and not leave her at the airport like some weird, dramatic movie scene."

"So, you are saying that there is no problem with him breaking up with her?" His girlfriend hisses. He groans angrily.

"It would be a more awful crime to stay with her if he clearly loves somebody else."

"I can't believe you are saying this."

"Guys." I stop them before they turn their loud conversation into an even louder fight. That's the last thing Leila needs right now. "Let's drive home. Please."

Elliott starts the car and we drive off. The ride back to our apartment is silent, only Leila's sobs can be heard. The tension between Kate and Elliott is thick, they don't even look at each other. When Elliott stops the car in front of my and Leila's building, he doesn't get out with us.

"Are you not coming?" Kate asks him, leaning down to the open door to face her boyfriend with an arched eyebrow. He sighs, shaking his head with a sorry expression on his face.

"I'm going to check on him." He says, making Kate snort arrogantly. The door thuds closed loudly when she pushes it a little too hard. I can't blame Elliott for wanting to check on his brother. I would have done the same.

"I can't believe he is going after him." Kate mumbles aggressively while we head upstairs. She is carrying Leila's suitcase.

"He is his brother." Leila defends him faintly. "Don't be angry at him."

"I'm just disappointed. Doesn't he see that Christian has done you wrong?" Kate snaps, making Leila cringe when she mentions his name. I give her a warning look.

"I think Elliott understands that what he has done was wrong, but still he is his brother. It's normal for him to care about him. You would do the same if Ethan broke up with Mia." I say, now defending a different Grey. "Maybe you should apologize, Kate. You were too harsh toward him."

"I was just trying to protect Leila. She didn't deserve this." Kate says as we open the door to our apartment.

"Elliott never said that she did. He just wanted to listen to the other side of the story."

She drops the subject, thank God, and we shrug out of our coats and boots before we sit down at the kitchen island. I ask Leila if she wants to eat or to drink something, she declines, she just needs a hot shower and more tissues.

"I need to get out of these clothes." Leila says sourly, sniffing herself. "They smell like the worst day of my life."

I can't stop narrowing my eyes, her joke a little pathetic since she clearly is only trying to put on a show. She shouldn't try to joke if she feels like crying. She can cry as much as she want.

"I can make you tea if you want to. You can drink after your shower." I ask her again, actually planning to give her something to eat since I don't know how much she had for breakfast and I don't want her to stop eating just because Christian broke up with her. The last thing I need is her to waste away with hunger, but knowing that pushing her won't do any good, I offer her tea. It's my parents' number one cure against every heart break.

"Thanks, Ana." She says, kissing my cheek before she leaves for the bathroom. Her crying has stopped, but God knows that it will return. I remember the time after she and Mitch broke up. It was a disaster.

"I will kick the shit out of him." Kate whispers when Leila leaves the room.

"She won't recover from this easily." She adds.

"Maybe not. But the only thing we can do is to be with her. Kicking the shit out of Christian won't do any good." I tell her, the idea of someone attacking him infuriating me. I might be angry at him at the moment, but still I don't want him to get hurt. I realize that he might have been in pain for a while now, while all of us were oblivious to his thoughts and emotions. He played his role as the boyfriend in love so well, though. Maybe the guilt he felt made his performance so spectacular.

Guilt.

Another thing we have in common then.

I might be the only one who can understand him. His guilt probably has driven him insane. He couldn't leave Leila because that was the wrong thing to do, but he couldn't stop thinking about the other girl because she was the one he loved. But staying with Leila, even if it was the right thing, was too painful because he didn't love her.

It's the same with me. Staying away from him is the right thing to do, but it's also painful.

"What will happen now, Ana?" Kate asks me with a soft voice, her shoulders falling, her mouth pouting. Her anger seems to be gone, leaving its place to sadness.

"I have no idea. I guess we will have to wait and see."

I couldn't see things turning out well at this point.

And I couldn't stop whom Christian was in love with.

Watching him be happy with my best friend was awful, but at least I wanted her happiness. But I couldn't watch him being in love with someone else.

I will have to end my friendship with him. Firstly because of what he has done to my best friend and secondly because of the aching feeling in my chest when I imagine him with someone else.

Tears stream down my face as I cry quietly, the realization of losing him now hitting me like the force of a punch. I never had him in the first place but now losing him seems like the worst thing that could happen to me.

How can I think about myself right now?

Leila's situation is obviously worse.

I should concentrate on that

"I think I will make her some soup. She likes tomato soup when she is ill, maybe it will help her now, too." I get to work as I talk to Kate about my plans. The distraction is needed.

"It's a good thing we took off today. I couldn't leave her alone even if I had to work." She says, sighing loudly.

Leila gets out of the shower and quickly waddles to her room, dressed in her bathrobe. We hear her sobs even though she closed the door behind herself. It seems like she started crying again in the shower.

"Should we check on her?" Kate whispers to me. I look at Leila's door, the door to the room in which she spent hours with Christian, the door I have always kinda hated because it was always in my way, the day I have always wanted to be on the other side with Christian.

"I think we should leave her alone as long as she wants." I suggest, thinking that maybe Leila wants to be alone, to suffer in silence.

But Leila is not me. She doesn't like closed doors and walls around herself when she is in pain. She is outgoing in every situation.

Just when I finish her soup, she gets out of her room dressed in her red pajamas, the skin around her eyes equally red. Her hair is still wet and put into a messy bun. She sits down beside Kate on the bar stool, leaning on the kitchen island with her elbows and putting her chin into her hands.

"You are making me soup?" She asks with a rough voice, a thankful smile curling her lips.

"Yes, I thought.." She interrupts me.

"Thank you, Ana. For everything."

"No need to thank me. That's my job as your best friend."

"You spoil me. You always do."

I pour her a cup of tea, something herbal with hibiscus and other things that smell exotic, and lean down to kiss her forehead when I put her cup in front of her.

"You deserve it."

I get Kate and myself something to drink, too. While I join Leila with tea, even though that exotic stuff she enjoys isn't usually my preference, Kate makes herself a warm cup of chocolate milk.

"I still can't understand it." Leila whispers to herself after we have enjoyed our drinks in silence for a few minutes.

"Christian left me." She says matter-of-factly. "He has left me at the airport. For another woman."

Kate and I look at each other, while Leila's eyes are focused on the tea in front of her. It looks like she is having a monologue.

"He loved me. At least I thought he did. I mean, he looked in love with me, didn't he?" Now she looks up, looking at us with a questioning expression on her face, the doubt once again visible. She doesn't wait for us to answer though.

"I never doubted that he loved me. He never gave me a reason for that. Hell, I thought I didn't deserve him, he was too good to be true. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe he was too good to be mine."

"What the hell?" Kate snaps. "He was too good to be yours? No. No, that's not true. You were too good to be with someone like him. He acted selfishly, he left you at the airport, he obviously has these feelings for her all along but he was too much of a coward to tell you. Could you please start hating him a little?"

"Kate." I warn her. I don't think Leila needs another lecture from our fierce, blonde journalist.

"No, Ana. Don't Kate me. Don't you see what she is doing? She is still swooning after him." She looks at me with a scowl. I know she means well, but she is frustrating me.

"She loves him. She can't stop doing that just now." Emotions can't be turned off just like that. I knew that best.

"That's not the problem. She doesn't want to stop loving him. That's the problem. Am I, right?" Kate arches an eyebrow at Leila who bites her lip, looking guilty. Tears start to swim in her eyes, before she nods slowly. Kate huffs and shakes her head. I look surprised at Leila.

"You want him back?" I whisper and she nods again.

I can't blame her.

I just wonder what I would have done in her place.

Would I forgive him? Would I fight for him? Would I run after him?

Probably not. I would want him to be happy, even if that meant that somebody else was the one making him happy.

That's what I have been doing since the moment I met him.

"Ana." Leila says suddenly. I look at her questioningly.

"Yes?"

"Will you talk to him for me? Will you help me get him back? You are the only one who could do that, Ana. He listens to you, he cares about you. Please, Ana. Please go talk to him for me." She begs me with widen eyes. I see the desperation in them, the longing and the love she feels for him. It pains me, it leaves me breathless. But I can't say no.

"I would, but I don't know where he is." I mumble, my throat feeling super dry, my heart clenching.

"I'm sure Elliott has found him by now. Call him. Please." She says with eyes full of hope. I would hate to take her hope away from her. I would hate myself if I did that.

An hour later I'm in a cab heading toward the marina. I have called Elliott to ask about Christian's whereabouts.

"He is at 'The Fair Lady'. Christian has a friend from college, called Liam. He owns a small boat and Christian is hiding there. It's his usual spot whenever he feels confused and depressed." Elliott had told me via phone.

"How can I find this boat?"

"Ana, I don't think Christian wants to be found right now. He didn't want to see anyone, at least that's what he told me on the phone."

"I have to try my luck, Elliott. For Leila."

For Leila.

That is my new mantra. Or it has been since day one. Since the damned night at Seatdown where Christian had managed to enchant me and Leila.

And now he had broken the hearts of the both of us.

I try to think about the things I would say to him when I'm standing in front of him. I have no idea. I will have to improvise.

The marina is chilly when I exit the cab, feeling thankful that I changed my clothes. I'm wearing a thick peach colored pullover, light jeans, my blue coat and mid-calf booties. I even put on a blue wool beanie, protecting my ears from the icy wind. At least it's not snowing.

'The Fair Lady' is a small catamaran located at the docks of Seattle, made out of dark wood and metal. It's name is written on its side with a golden, twirly script. A red haired man, probably Christian's friend Liam, is polishing the wooden floors on the deck when I walk up to the catamaran. I can't spot Christian from here.

"Hello?" I say shyly, making the man look up. He smiles at me politely.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" He asks with an Irish accent. It sounds very alluring.

"I'm looking for Christian Grey. His brother told me that he would be here." I watch the man stand up, swiping his hands on a towel around his neck, before he nods. He looks at me with a concentrated expression, biting his tongue before he sighs and turns around. He walks to the other side of the the catamaran and enters it through a ladder leading downstairs. I frown behind him.

Suddenly Christian appears through the same way the red haired man disappeared.

His expression is wild, his eyes widen and his cheeks reddened. He is wearing a blue and white plaid shirt with dark pants and boots. He must be insane to come out sans coat. I look at him, try to make out what he is thinking or feeling, but his expression doesn't give much away. Or maybe I can't just understand what's happening with him. That shouldn't surprise me. He has been thinking about another woman while he was in a relationship with my best friend for so long and we didn't notice. He played his role too good. I feel ashamed to think about him playing. I shouldn't judge. Who knows what was going on inside his head and heart.

Then he spots me and suddenly his whole posture changes. His face softens, his lips curl and his eyes twinkle as he walks up to me, jumping over the small gap between the catamaran and the pavement I am standing on. His tension vanishes, he looks like he is in a good mood now.

The sudden change of emotions surprise and shock me.

What the hell.

"Chr-" I say, but before I can continue, he suddenly places his hands on my cheeks, his fingers ice cold against my skin, and leans forward to press his lips on mine.

I was wrong.

That's the worst thing that could happen at this point.

* * *

 **Sorry (not sorry).**

 **Next time, CPOV ;)**

 **Adieu, mes amis.**


	19. Chapter 19

**19\. The girl with the sea blue eyes**

 **CPOV**

I met Anastasia Steele on a Friday night.

After the end of an exhausting, long day at work, I had decided to have a few drinks with my friends at our local bar, which my brother had discovered nearly ten years ago on one of his adventures in the dating world of Seattle. I was aching a bottle of beer like the air I needed in order to live and I had promised myself to get home before midnight because I also was aching sleep. One might think that a job that requires close to zero physical exhaustion couldn't be that hard but spending the whole day staring at the screen of a computer did awful things to your eyes and I wasn't even mentioning how my back ached from my to be honest horrible posture thanks to sitting at a desk all day long.

So, there was I, with my friends, Jason and John, and my brother, Elliott, at our bar called 'Seatdown' where we had most of our outings – sometimes Elliott tried to convince us to go to one of this utterly overrated and in my humble opinion too loud clubs he loved so much because the chances of having a one-night-stand were higher but since the club disaster back in 2008 where Elliott made us…. You don't want to know. Trust me. - and where we did what 20 something years old men do: have beer and talk about the complexity of the female mind.

We walked in while chitchatting about work and other stuff and greeted Mike, the bartender, who was nice enough to point to an empty table for us and told us that he would send the waitress called Cindy to get our orders. Soon we were seated at our table which had the number four and Cindy brought us our drinks. I sighed with relief when I took the first sip of my beer, the tension of work immediately leaving my aching back and shoulders. It was a great evening, my friends and my brother were as always entertaining with their anecdotes, and I thought that nothing could make this night better than it already was. I had my cold, delicious beer to drink, my friends to talk and laugh with and at home I had a warm bed waiting for me. Nothing was missing.

Or so I had thought.

The next thing I know, there is this to be honest beautiful – even if I am not a big fan of her hairstyle -, fierce woman screaming something toward the bar where a tall, blonde guy was ordering drinks while a cute, petite chick was babbling about something beside him without noticing his obvious disinterest.

"Hey, missie! That's my fiancee you are talking to! Keep your paws to yourself!" The black haired woman with a bob screamed loudly over the music that was coming out of the jukebox and the chick at the bar looked confused for a second but then she noticed that she had been addressed as 'missie' and she was flirting with the fiancee of someone else. With a blush she excused herself and ran away to her group of friends who gave the black haired woman dirty looks. Jason, Elliott, John and I were so fascinated by the woman's possessiveness and her fierce attitude that we raised our glasses and bottles toward her. She returned the gesture with a glass raise of her own. Unnecessary to say that we noticed the other beautiful women sitting around the table – which's number should be eight if I am not wrong – of 'possessive girl'. I called her that in my head.

"That table looks like fun." Elliott grinned his trademark grin, all American sunny boy with a hint of bad boy on legs. I squeezed my eyes hardly – the looking at computer screens task my job required wasn't good for my eyesight – to get a clearer view of the female half of the table. There were five people – if you count the guy at the bar then six – sitting on wooden chairs with drinks in front of them, four of them were female. I saw the faces of a rather attractive blonde one with cherry red lips and our possessive, fierce black haired star. The others were sitting with their faces turned away from us but I noticed that they both had dark hair, one of them more chocolate brown, the other more blackish brown. I couldn't help but notice how the chocolate brown hair suited her pink sweater. From afar I could tell that they both had rather nice figures, both shaped like an hourglass.

"Well, we know that the short haired one is engaged and we know that our buddy Jason has a girlfriend. That means that there is one woman for each of us single gentlemen." Elliott calculated quickly and winked at John and me. "Dips on the blonde one." He added smugly while he licked his lips with his eyes focused on his newest target. Poor girl wasn't aware of her misfortune yet.

"Elliott, notice the ginger dude sitting at the table?" I pointed with my bottle of beer toward them. "He could be the boyfriend of one of them. So your calculation is wrong."

I really didn't feel like hooking up in a bar that night, or any night to be honest. I wasn't made for unattached one-night-stands, I felt too shy to do the whole 'use and lose' thing with strangers, my brother did constantly with women he met at bars, clubs or other places. He had no shame, he even had slept with a woman he met at a funeral. I was more the relationship type of guy. The kind of guy who makes you pancakes – the only thing I can manage in the kitchen – on Sunday mornings, who buys you tampons and ice cream from the store when you have your period, and who will take a walk with you under an umbrella while Seattle's rain is floating all over us. I didn't want to be the kind of guy who has sex with you and never calls you afterward.

Thankfully to me pointing out my brother's miscalculation, the subject of the beautiful ladies at table number eight was dropped and we were back to discussing the latest events at Trevelyan Enterprises where I worked since I graduated. After a couple of rounds of drinks when my mind wasn't that sharp anymore and when Elliott's stories about his latest one-night-stands sounded funnier than they actually were – they were mostly inappropriate and if our mother should ever hear what her sweet, oldest boy did in his free time, she would scold him until he dropped dead -, the last thing on my mind were the guys and girls at table number eight. I was already planning my big meeting with my bed and my sweat pants, when suddenly I was face to face with one of the brunettes. She had light blue eyes, dimples on her cheek and a rather attractive mole on her upper lip which made her resemble Marilyn Monroe. She was breathtakingly beautiful, like the girls you see in magazines. Firmly she placed her hands on the surface of our table and leaned forward, showing a little bit of cleavage – my eyes darted to her chest immediately because I was a guy and she was extremely hot. Her sudden appearance had silenced us, we were looking at her curiously, waiting for her to say something that would explain her being at our table.

"Does your left eye hurt? Because you've been looking right all night."

Her cheesy pick-up line, obviously intended as a joke, cracked us up. Elliott got up from his seat, offering it to her while acting like the gentleman our mother had raised him to be but from which I knew that it was mostly a game he played to get pretty girls like cheesy pick-up line girl, who introduced herself as Leila, out of their clothes and into his bed. I didn't miss the fact that while she was chatting with everyone, her eyes were mainly focused on me and I felt like I was breathing a new kind of air which made me feel more alive than I ever had felt before when she kept brushing her fingers nonchalantly against my hand or my arm whenever she could. Is she hitting on me, I wondered. Like I said wasn't familiar with the 'meet at a bar and have sex' thing my brother liked to do, so I had trouble to get the hints. Meanwhile Leila talked and entertained us with her stories about her work, her life, her best friends which by the way were sitting at table number eight. She joked about her possessive friend and how that chick had hit on her fiancee at the bar. "Mia is the jealous type." She said and when Elliott asked her if she was also the jealous type, she winked at him before looking at me. "Depends on the guy." She said, making us laugh once again. She had such a cheery aura, infecting everyone around her with her humor and her kindheartedness. I was in awe with Leila, I was fascinated. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be the kind of guy who meets you at a bar and has sex with you. But unlike my brother and many other guys out there, I wanted to call you the very next day to take you out on a date, maybe dinner where I can listen to your sweet nothings over food and lit candles, or watching a movie at the cinema where I can hold your hand while we completely ignore the movie because we have better things to do.

I couldn't keep my eyes off her.

She was everything a guy could want.

Beautiful, cheery, feminine, witty and fierce.

I had to get to know her so I could take her to various dates where I could pull the rug from under her. Even if I wasn't one hundred percent sure she was into me, I flirted with her. And when I saw her smile confidently at my words, I knew that she liked me enough to flirt with me. I hoped I could make her like me enough to go out with me.

She told us about her friends, how the engaged ones were going to marry soon, and when Elliott asked about the blonde girl with the cherry red lips, she smiled cockily at him, managing to look even cuter than before. Leila told him that she would gladly introduce him to her friend if he promised to be nice to her. Ha. Good luck with that, I thought, but I kept my mouth shut because I was too enchanted to talk about something else than her. In fact, I wanted to listen to her voice without any other interruptions. Elliott dared her to introduce him to the blonde chick, whose name apparently was Kate, right there and then, and Leila proposed us to join her friends. When she pointed toward them, I couldn't help but look up. It was a wonder that I managed to look away from her pouty, pink lips while my mind wandered to places I would like to feel her lips on.

Suddenly, for the second time that night, I was looking into strange, blue eyes.

But unlike the first time, I wasn't feeling alive. This time I felt like drowning.

I was drowning in the deepest, bluest eyes I had ever seen. They had the color of the ocean, the color of a dark blue sky where stars and the moon would twinkle, the color of a bold, untamed sea where sailors could get lost and drown by mother nature's force. I was drowning for a short second, but when the blushed face of the sea blue eyed girl turned her head, I felt like I was being dragged out of the wild sea of her eyes back to the safe, main land.

We followed Leila's lead to her friend's table where the guys and girls made room for us to place our chairs. Introductions were made quickly and soon we were enjoying the presence of our newly found friends who all seemed rather nice. While Leila was once again enchanting me with her aura and her anecdotes, my eyes wandered toward the sea blue eyed girl, whom Leila introduced to us as her best friend Ana, and I noticed the distressed look on her face while she silently sipped on her beer without making a move to talk to anybody else unless she was addressed by someone. I wondered if she didn't want to be here, if she was feeling out of place. I looked at her intently, taking notice of her natural beauty, and god, her eyes were the most gorgeous pair of eyes I had ever seen. I would have liked to drown in them for the rest of my life, only if she wasn't looking in pain and bored. She sighed, it sounded annoyed and bored, while she kept looking at her watch around her thin wrist, making me wonder if she didn't want to be here _with us_. Maybe she was picky when it came to her friends or acquaintances. Maybe she was vain and arrogant, someone who didn't want to spend time with just anybody. She had the looks to be arrogant and vain. I quickly turned my head away from her, her arrogance and disinterest in the events around her making her look like the most self-centered person on earth.

Oh boy. I had never been wronger in my whole life.

You see, after that night I quickly learned from my mistake to assume that Anastasia Steele, the best friend of my girlfriend, was a vain, arrogant, self-centered person. In fact, a week later, when I took Leila out to have dinner and watch a movie, she had been unintentionally very forthcoming about her best friend. She had told me about Anastasia, who liked to be called Ana by the way, and her selflessness, her loyalty to her friends and her nurturing nature. It was weird that I was interested in hearing about her best friend's character as much as hearing about the girl I dated, but I simply had thought that I wanted to have a future with Leila. And a future with her meant a future with her friends. The others had been easy to understand, but Ana had been a mystery to me because unlike the others she hadn't been very forthcoming about herself. From what I heard about her, it seemed like Leila thought very fondly of Ana. She loved her like a sister, like she was a part of her family. I respected that.

Meanwhile Leila and I went on various dates and I tried to fulfill my mission to sweep her off her feet like I had intended to do since I fell for her at 'Seatdown'. I took her to a picnic in the park, I took her to lunch, I wrote her romantic and sweet text messages like a poetic teenager, and I took her to walks under an umbrella, using the romantic atmosphere the rain was creating to ask her to be my girlfriend. Officially. I even invited her over to my place, telling her that I was going to make her dinner, but in reality I bought the food from a great restaurant I knew and claimed to have cooked myself in order to impress her. She hadn't believed me a single word, but she pretended to be impressed by my fantastic cooking skills. The night had been good, we talked and talked, and then we stopped talking because there were far more interesting things to do. And god knows that we had great sex together. Sex so good that it literally blows your mind, sets your body on fire and makes you wonder why people ever leave their beds when sex can feel that good.

After we became officially a couple within a few weeks which was a rather short time but sometimes you gotta be fast and not take your time if you don't want to miss the girl, she wanted me to meet her friends officially. She joked around in her own Leila way that I had to earn their blessing because her friend's opinion on me was important to her. She laughed at her joke, but deep down I knew that she was talking the truth actually. She wanted her friends to like me and me to like her friends. Or at least to pretend to like them. Although they all seemed nice the last time I had met them. Only Ana's deep, blue eyes and her constant frown had left a bitter taste and I wondered if I had to do a backflip in order to gain points from her. If it meant that much to Leila, whom I really liked, I would try everything I could do to impress the rather bored, disinterested Ms. Steele.

We once again went to 'Seatdown' where we met her group of friends. And once again I was proven that Anastasia Steele was the only one who needed to be impressed because while the rest of Leila's friends were all over me, talking to me and being pleasant, she was sitting quietly with her beer in front of her and her eyes zoomed off to somewhere I assumed she would rather be. She irked me. How could she be that disinterested? Didn't she knew how important this was for Leila? I tried not to show my ire, I tried to be friendly and engage her into a conversation. I remembered that Leila had said Ana liked books, she was an editor after all. I asked her what kind of books she liked and while I assumed she would tell me that her favorites are mostly modern, cheesy stuff which women all over the world read because of the hot, suit dressed dude and his kinky fetish, she said that she loved the Classics, British Literature and even some modern stuff – although now I doubted that she read _that kind of modern stuff._ A British Literature girl, I thought. She had to be a die hard romantic who loved to swoon over the gentlemen of England who talked with flowery words. But once again I was told wrong because Ana liked the work of Thomas Hardy more than Jane Austen's famous books like 'Pride and Prejudice'. And when she stated that she was in awe with the reality Hardy's novels showed, rather than a happy ending, I was intrigued. I felt like Anastasia Steele didn't show much of her real personality and I wondered why.

A few days later when Leila and I were having lunch together at a cute, french bistro, she confessed to me that she was sad about Ana. The moment I heard those words, I wondered what that arrogant, but surprisingly interesting person could have done to make my girlfriend sad. Leila told me how distant Ana could be sometimes, she lived in her own shell, not letting someone in and not going out from time to time. She understood that Ana was different from the rest of their group, she needed her alone time where she relax and think about whatever it was that kept her awake at night. Ana was an over-thinker, Leila told me. She always over analyzed everything which lead to many sleepless nights and headaches. But she was sad because she felt like she was losing her friend, who tried to stay distant. Leila wondered if she had done something wrong and when I saw how her eyes filled with tears, her shoulders shaking from the sobs that left her body, I hated Anastasia Steele for making my girlfriend cry. It wasn't the most logical thing to do because she wasn't directly hurting Leila, but even if she wasn't aware of the harm she caused, I hated her. I was a man and somebody was hurting my woman – god, I sound like a Neanderthal -, I had every right to be furious. Leila told me that Ana had an awful dating experience, two out of three of her boyfriends had cheated on her – I couldn't stop myself from thinking that if she was as distant as now in her past relationships, she clearly wasn't the easiest person to be in a relationship with -, and since then Anastasia, who already had been terribly shy and quiet, preferred to be by herself.

I thought about what Leila had told me. She was sad because Ana was self-contained, she wanted her friend to be more confident and find trust again. As her boyfriend, I thought, it was one of my duties to fulfill her wishes and dreams. So I planned a party at my place, which also had the purpose of introducing Leila to my friends officially, hoping that it would help self-contained, easily bored Ms. Steele to come out of her shell. I was super nice to her, I tried to talk to her, I made sure that she enjoyed herself. And I had remembered Leila's words that Ana was a loner, an introvert maybe, so I had thrown a private party with only her friends and a few of mine, just so Ms. Steele could feel safe enough to talk with someone. But when I noticed how Ana spent most of the time in my kitchen, claiming to clean up dishes while she was actually hiding in there, I got frustrated. I tried to use my charm on her. I tried to engage her into a conversation, asking her what she liked to do apart from reading books. I was going crazy, she didn't like parties, she didn't like karaoke. To be honest, I had thought that she sounded like killjoy, maybe even too proud to have fun and let go. It was frustrating.

My party hadn't fulfilled its task, Ana had been distant and quiet for the rest of the evening. She only talked when she had to, her longest conversation had been with my friend, Jason. But I suspected that had nothing to do with her, Jason was the kind of guy every one trusted immediately. He was as quiet as her sometimes, but he wasn't distant. He knew what to say at the right moment, taking the words out of your mouth. But what my party had caused was making Leila sadder than before. She had felt guilty to have fun while her friend was obviously not interested in the events taking place around her. She cried on my shoulder, thinking that she was a bad friend for making Ana suffer while she obviously didn't want to go out, but she had to try because she knew Ana was more than that quiet mouse she pretended to be. She remembered their time at college were Ana was confident, easy going and fun to be around with. Leila wondered why she was letting her cheating exes have such a big effect on her after all this time. She told me that Ana didn't cry after them after their break-up, she forgot them as soon as it was over, but their mistakes had left scars. Scars that made her distant and self-contained.

That was the first time I wondered if I was causing her recent weird behavior. Maybe she didn't like me, maybe she just didn't want to spend time with me. Maybe it hurt her seeing a happy, newly in love couple around her. If that was the case, then I simply didn't have to spend time with her and we only had to pretend to like each other around Leila. I needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her my plan and if she was in, then I would have solved Leila's problems.

While I had been wondering how I could find her alone, without the others interfering, which wasn't easy because I didn't have her phone number and I didn't feel like asking Leila or taking it without her knowing, destiny had been on my side. Not a week after my house party, I was having lunch with my colleagues at Ernie's Diner when I met the sea blue eyes of Anastasia Steele. She was sitting in a booth by herself a few tables away from me. I was so happy to have found her alone that I had grinned like a Cheshire cat. I excused myself to my friends and walked up to Ms. Steele's table where a cup of coffee was placed and greeted her kindly. Even if she irritated the shit out of me, she was my girlfriend's best friend, I had to be nice to her and I thought it wouldn't do any harm to be nice if I actually needed her help.

Politely she asked me to sit down and immediately I started my questions, thinking that she couldn't escape me now because it would be impolite to stay quiet this time with us being the only people present at the table. I tried to make her talk, starting with small talk like her lunch time preferences, if she liked Ernie's and their burger special. I loved burgers. If I had to decide between my left hand and burgers for the rest of my life, I would probably chose burgers. I asked her about her absent coworker, Luke. From Leila I had heard that he was ill. I asked Ana if they usually have lunch at the diner, wondering why we haven't met before if that was the case. But she declined and joked about Luke's cold, taking me by surprise that she was able to joke with me. I had assumed that she didn't like me but she was joking around with me.

That was also the first time I noticed her pretty blush, how her cheeks reddened instantly, making me wonder how great her blood flow must be if she could flush that fast and easily.

I found out that she doesn't like sugar – how is that possible? - when she ordered another cup of coffee, black with milk and no sugar. She had weird tics, she didn't drink fruity drinks, she didn't like sugar and she claimed that chicken wings tasted "weird". That woman was weirdness on legs. She nearly hated every food I loved. But the way we talked, she was still tense but much more at ease than before, made it impossible for me to think that she hated me. She couldn't be that much of an actress, she couldn't pretend to like me that good. I decided to be blunt, she deserved honesty.

I told her that I was thinking that she hated me, that she couldn't stand me somehow. She looked at me in shock, claiming that she didn't have a problem with me. I wondered if I had unintentionally hurt her, I apologized to her if that was the case, she shook her head. I told her what Leila had told me, that she was shy around new people, I understood that. But I felt terrible because Leila was sad, I hated seeing her like that. Why don't we try to be at ease around each other, I asked Ana. Why don't we try to be friends around Leila, we don't have to be best buddies or something. She agreed, her pretty eyes looking at me like timid fawn, making me wonder what she hiding from everyone. I wanted to find out if she was as dull as she pretended to be. I asked her if she would like to spend some time with in order to get to know each other. We could go to my mother's annual book fair, I proposed, thinking that it might interest her. I was right, her eyes started twinkling with the mention of books.

That goddamned – sorry, mum – book fair had changed everything. If I had not really liked her until then, that day I had seen a glimpse of what Anastasia was hiding from everyone. I saw the loveable, thoughtful person that she really was.

The night before I had been at a Halloween party with Leila and the others – minus Anastasia because guess what? She hated Halloween – and after an awkward fight / discussion I had with Leila the previous day, I had welcomed every alcoholic drink that was offered to me. My girlfriend had invited me to be her date on Ethan and Mia's wedding in February and like a typical guy, I had freaked out at the thought of going on a wedding with her that was far in the future. Does she want us to have a long lasting relationship, I had wondered. Did I want that? Of course I did, but I had felt weird when she was suddenly talking about it like it was safe to assume that I would. Sometimes testosterone has a confusing effect on men. Don't ask why. Anyway, I had drunk a lot on Halloween, so it was no surprise that the next day I was totally hung over. The first thought I had in the morning was that I would rather spend the day in bed with my girlfriend instead of at my mother's annual book fair with her self-contained, easily bored best friend. But I had promised myself and Leila to make things work with Ana, so I got up tiredly and got ready.

When Ana saw how miserable I looked while I sipped my coffee full of sugar, she proposed to go another time, that she wouldn't be hurt if I was to hung over to go. And when I saw her honest, understanding and a little hurt expression, I felt an immense guilt for having thought to cancel our trip. Her blue eyes were a great guilt trip, even unintentionally.

On our drive to Bellevue, I was fighting with tiredness and the sun's determination to make me go blind. I was awkwardly silent, I felt guilty because of my silence. I didn't want her to think that I didn't want to go to the book fair with her, I was hung over.

She perplexed me, when I caught her humming to an old song coming out of the radio. Did she like Elvis and his songs? I couldn't imagine her dancing to poppy songs, I shuddered at the thought of twerking, but who could knew who Anastasia Steele really was. She wasn't giving away much after all.

I found out that we had a mutual interest, we both liked Frank Sinatra and his work. When we heard the first tunes of 'Witchcraft', I caught her satisfied small smile. It surprised me, I never would have guessed that she was a Sinatra fan. But I should probably stop assuming things.

We arrived at the book fair. When I saw her shocked face when she noticed how small the contribution of book sellers was, I had to suppress a laugh. I noticed a few things about her while we checked up the mostly religious books sold by the members of Bellevue's congregation. While I was talking to a man at a stand, I noticed how she squeezed her eyes tightly and wrinkled her nose in disgust whenever she read something she didn't like. Or how she hold up the book in her hand closer to her face whenever she read something interesting, as if she was trying to figuratively step into the book, be a part of it. She also cocked one eyebrow whenever she found something in a book that seemed to make her think and analyze the written words, like if she wasn't suspecting to read something great and insightful in that particular book.

It was weird that I noticed all these small, unimportant details about her, I doubted that she knew what she was doing herself. But I had always been a man of details, my job was all about details after all - coding was about the little dots and digits which where barely visible, but needed for the greater picture. And details like Ana's nose crunching and focused stares were needed for the greater picture of life - I was going to find that out soon.

After this day, I felt like we finally had bonded, maybe even began to became friends. She wasn't as shy as usual around me anymore, she was just introverted but that was absolutely acceptable. I didn't need her to be extremely outgoing, I didn't need to care about the way she treated others or how she behaved around others. I only needed to care about my relationship with Leila and if Ana's behavior toward me had an effect on that, I also needed to care about that.

I was wrong.

Once again.

I watched her interactions with her friends and strangers. I watched her take one for the team in each situation, I watched her being the most selfless person I had ever met. Selflessness was something to admire, but I noticed quickly that Ana was sickeningly selfless. She always put the needs of others first, she always stepped back when she noticed that she wanted something her friend wanted, she never hurt people with actions or words. Instead she let people talk to her anyway they wanted, let them treat her like she was a child. It infuriated me. I didn't like watching her being pushed and pulled like a door, I didn't like her friends, including Leila, interfering in her life.

And what's worse, I didn't like her letting people do this with her.

She only exchanged numbers with that Ben guy because Kate went behind her back to give him her number. She may have decided herself to call him, which I was surprised about since it was a step forward and out of her shell, but when she finally agreed on going on a date with him, the girls were all over her. They pestered her, they put their noses into her private life and I snapped. I told Leila that they should take a step back, let Ana be Ana, she was a grown up woman who could make healthy decisions on her own and when she needed help, she would ask them of course. Their nosiness and their weird obsession with Ana's love life made my happiness about her sign of action pass away too quickly. I had been happy that she was trying to make new memories with this Ben guy, after all she had only bad ones with her exes. He seemed like a nice guy, decent and polite, but when I saw them together at Mia's birthday party, I felt a weird twitch in my chest, something was pulling at my heart. Back then I interpreted as a protective affection for Ana. The way she behaved made me feel protective over her since she clearly didn't do it herself. I confused myself. I wanted her to defend herself, I wanted her to fight her own battles, but I also wanted to protect her. It was a constant internal fight:

To let her be her own warrior or to be her savior.

To say that it drove me crazy was an understatement. I had other stuff to think about, my feelings for Leila should have been a priority, but Anastasia Steele was wriggling her way into my mind at any minute. Especially when I saw her keep her mouth shut when something obviously displeased her.

Like with Jack.

Freaking Jack Hyde.

He was all over her, asking her questions, trying to make her focus on solely him, creeping around her like a psychotic fool. It was obvious she wasn't interested in him, she was tense whenever she talked to him but too polite to turn her head away from him. I watched them from the opposite of the table, Ana seated between Ben and Jack, and how Hyde tried to interrupt any conversation she tried to have with Ben. Ultimately, I snapped.

Letting her friends treat her poorly was one thing, but watching a creep like Jack do it infuriated me immensely.

I bluntly told him to piss off - maybe not directly, but he got what I meant. But I forgot that Jack Hyde loved a good competition, he loved all the things he couldn't have. And with my public warning, I only made her more interesting for him. That was something I would have to learn the hard way.

After Mia's birthday party something switched between me and Ana. She became more tense than ever before around me, she barley looked at me and when she did, she looked annoyed and in pain. Weirdly enough, she was super passive aggressive, her anger boiling in the inside, but the perfect little Miss Steele never showed her true feelings. She put on a mask and she made people happy - that was her stick.

It was no secret that her weird behavior was only meant for me. That's why I was surprised when she exploded to somebody else than me. To be honest, my godmother had pretty much deserved the furious ire of Anastasia Steele since she had treated my girlfriend like shit, but still, watching Ana treat someone anything but nice was a first - and a victory. She was opening up, she was fighting, she was putting herself out there. I couldn't believe my luck. After the drama I feared because Leila would finally meet my best friend, Elena, it was a piece of heaven on earth.

I tested her the same night. I gave her another opportunity to show me the real Ana, the Ana she was hiding from everyone. I apologized to her for calling her weird, a mistake of mine, and hoped she would tell me about how much I had hurt her, at Thanksgiving and before that obviously, maybe even tell me to fuck off, but Ana being Ana, she just brushed it off, changing another uncomfortable topic.

It was my time to explode.

Maybe even overreact, but Anastasia Steele was bringing every extreme reaction out of me.

While Leila was my calming ocean, my safe heaven where I felt immensely zen and at peace, Ana was my personal hell, burning me from the inside, breaking every rule I ever had.

Weirdly, I was a man fascinated with masochism. I turned out to be one of the people who tortured themselves and enjoyed it even.

I screamed at her, loudly and maniacally, asking her why she was letting people treat her like she was a helpless little girl, why she never was telling people to mind their own businesses. It was unexpected, it was mostly inappropriate since I wasn't in the position to tell her something like this. I was just the boyfriend of her best friend, barely her friend - although I was thinking, hoping maybe, that we would end up as best friends. Weirdly enough, my inappropriate and out of place nagging made her do what I was expecting her to do all along: she told me to fuck off.

We were no friends, she had said, and we will never be.

Didn't she see that we were friends already? Or did I just dream it? Back then, I was a blind fool who couldn't see the truth in front of his eyes, blinded by something equally powerful. Leila had been shadowing over the harsh truth.

Ana had been right that day.

We were no friends, we never became friends after that.

We were more, so much more, but we were blinded by my relationship with Leila.

I was stuck between my relationship with Leila and my true feelings for Ana. Back then I thought that I just cared for another human being, a behavior taught by my parents who always told us to help others. I saw that Ana was unhappy with her life, but also too polite and polished to change something, and I had to help her. The unknown feeling in my chest, which I later misinterpreted as friendly caring, made me angry. Angry at her and angry at myself. So I abandoned her for a while, seeing her only paining me, making me think about stuff I wasn't supposed to think about, thinking that being away from her would do any good to me.

I was wrong.

It was the worst week of my life.

Apparently my brain - and my heart - was already used to Miss Steele's present, to her shy looks and beautiful smiles. Wherever I looked I saw her. I saw her in the sky, which's blue reminded me of her eyes. I saw her in my daily coffee, smiling whenever I used sugar. I saw her in every bookstore I passed, wondering what book she was currently reading. I saw her whenever a Sinatra song was played. I saw her in the red colors of things around me, her pretty blush coming immediately to my mind. I saw her at Seatdown, the first place we had ever seen each other.

And finally, I saw her in my girlfriend. Ana and Leila were very different people, but somehow I managed to be reminded of Ana whenever I looked at my girlfriend. You can only imagine what the guilt I felt did to me. No, I thought. No, I can't think about another woman while I am in a relationship with one. I can't start comparing her with another woman. I can't wish to be with that other woman.

So, I did what everyone would do: I tried to lock my emotions in a secret part of my brain and heart, hoping they would never see daylight again.

A piece of advice: Never, ever suppress your emotions because in the end, they just make you implode, creating a bigger mess than the one you would have to deal with if you had been honest from the first second.

Since suppressing my feelings only helped temporary, I had to come up with a new idea. The bliss of self-deception felt soothing for a while, I concentrated on my feelings for Leila (for anyone doubting: yes, they were there), I tried to remember every reason why Leila was worth to be with. In the end, I felt anxious when I noticed that the list was endless. Leila was too good, too perfect even to consider to be dumped, especially for her frustrating, confusing, infuriating, challenging best friend. The logical thing to do would be to stay away from her, not to give the demon on my shoulder a chance to seduce me into breaking my girlfriend's heart. But logic had left me as soon as I looked into the blue eyes of Anastasia Steele. I seeker her presence, I craved her laugh, I needed her to be next to me. Like a moth attracted to the flame, I decided to try to stay friends with her. Friends could hang out, right? We could spend time with each other and nobody would suspect a thing about my weird, unidentified feelings. I wondered if I had a crush on her back then, but the way my heart fluttered whenever I was with Leila made it unmistakably clear that I was in love with her. What was Anastasia Steele doing to me then?

While I felt like I needed to make Leila's dreams come true, like on Christmas, I wanted to make Ana's dreams come true.

While I needed to be with Leila, I wanted to be with Ana.

While I had to think about all the things my girlfriend deserved, I couldn't stop thinking the things Ana deserved.

While I was in love with Leila, I craved Ana.

I was a sick monster.

I doubted that the planet we were living on had ever seen someone like me. I was a selfish freak who felt guilty whenever he looked into the eyes of Leila. That's why I tried to forgo my own guilt by trying to be an even better boyfriend. Ironically, Ana was the only one who could help me on my mission to fulfill Leila's dreams and hopes. She was the person who knew Leila better than anyone, she was her best friend after all. Like the kindhearted person that she is, she gave me advises on every topic, like Christmas presents and my insecurities about not being enough for Leila. Anastasia Steele wasn't the arrogant and ignorant person I had thought her to be when we first met. I had learned my lesson.

My feelings became more clearer when Jack and I fought that night at the bar. He run his mouth about her, talking about her like she was a piece of meat, telling us that he would make sure that she would end up naked in his bed.

"Or any surface she is willing to be fucked on." He said with a disgusting grin. That was the final straw. While Jason and Elliott told him not to be an ass because Ana wasn't any girl, I practically jumped over the table, ready to kick his ass because no one was allowed to talk about her like that. I realized that night that this wasn't about being protective, this was pure, irrational jealousy. From there things only got worse.

First, we had another heavy discussion at my Christmas party, which I, ironically, threw for her. She asked me why I did fight with Jack, why I was telling her to fight her own battles one second, and in the next I was defending her like a shiny armored knight. It was the question, I had no answers for myself. Why did I do things the way I did them, why did I take everything about Anastasia Steele so personally? I was furious at her, furious because she confused me, furious because I couldn't stop thinking about her. In the end, it wasn't her fault, she had no clue about my thoughts after all, and blaming her for my own mistakes was just as dishonorable as even thinking about the best friend of my girlfriend in that particular way. Unfortunately, logic had left the building long time ago, so I fumed silently over two weeks she was at her parents, not contacting her, but getting angry because she didn't call me or even text me. Only when her mother uploaded a picture of them on Facebook - I only saw it because she tagged Ana on it -, I realized that I missed her.

God. I really missed her.

Seeing her face on that stupid picture made my heart flutter like a raging beast in my chest, my fingers automatically swiping over the touch screen of my phone, gently touching her cheekbones and her lips. With a sudden guilt shooting through my body, I quickly liked the picture before turning my phone off. Fuck. I was deeper in shit than I had actually thought. Anastasia Steele was no longer a friend, I realized. She was something I couldn't even name. She was dangerous. She was making me question everything about my life. It was funny, I was telling her to stop building safe walls around herself, but in the mean time I was building them myself.

I was building lies around me, lies about myself, lies about Leila, lies about Anastasia Steele.

I was lying to myself about my own feelings.

I was lying to Leila about our relationship.

And I was lying to Anastasia Steele about her.

I pretended to be happy, because that was the right thing to do, just like Ana did her whole life. Great. We had another thing in common. I picked her up from the airport like a good friend, like the best friend I was, talking to her about everything else than my feelings, my confused feelings. And I had been foolish enough to call her passive. I was no different. I was walking around smiling at other people's faces while I was screaming internally, the battle in my chest an endless one with no winners. I was going to get hurt and, most importantly, I was going to hurt Leila and Ana in the end, no matter what I did. The guilt I felt now and the guilt I was one hundred percent going to feel in the future were eating me from the inside, crawling up my skin, encircling my guts and sucking my will to live out of me. Meanwhile the rest of my life was not exactly a walk in the park, either. Leila and Elena were keeping me on my toes, and while I tried to save that part of my life from chaos, things only got worse. I felt incapable of doing anything right in my life. Even though Elena turned out to be the wrong kind of friend, I still mourned after our friendship when it ended. She had been an important part of my life for so long, but now she was gone, and what's worse, she turned out to be a stranger. I had been wrong about her, she had disappointed me. Was this how Leila and Ana where going to feel when I finally let them see my true face, I wondered. I tried to ignore the suspense, I tried to ignore everything going on inside my head and heart.

As I said before, suppressing thoughts and feelings never lead to anything good.

It was no wonder that I freaked out when Jack, that bloody bastard, dared to hurt Ana. It was one of these moments when you feel the most vulnerable in your life, when you feel like life is treating you miserably, when you know that you are at the worst part of your life. Watching Ana tremble in front of me, watching her cry because of that asshole, made me question all my life choices. If I never had started dating Leila, Ana never would have met Jack and she never would have gotten hurt.

And finally, I never would have fallen in love with her.

The realization hit me with a great force. I loved her. I loved Ana. I loved the best friend of my girlfriend. I hated to love the way she sacrificed herself for others, but I did, I loved the way she cared for others, I loved the way she was the most selfless person on earth. It all made sense all of the sudden. The things that confused and frustrated me about her were the things I loved about her.

I had been a fool. A major, freaking, blind fool.

All the answers to all of my questions had been right in front of me.

I loved her.

The heart was no organ of logic. It had no sense of right and wrong, it didn't think about consequences, it didn't care about other people's feelings, it was selfish and greedy, it ached for all the things it couldn't have.

Just like me.

No.

No.

No.

This was wrong. I shouldn't be loving her, I shouldn't be even thinking about her. Leila didn't deserve any of this. Leila deserved a man who adored the floor she walked on, Leila deserved someone who loved and cherished her from day one. I wasn't what she deserved, but I tried to be. I tried to be the perfect boyfriend, I tried to be in love with her, I tried to be what she deserved. I planned the whole New York trip, a desperate try to prove myself that I loved Leila, a desperate try to prove everyone else that I was in love with her. Don't get me wrong, I loved Leila, but not the same way I loved Ana.

I cared about her too much to hurt her and that was the problem. I didn't want to hurt her, so I hurt myself with every passing day. I suffered and suffered, I drowned in the sadness of my own decisions, until I couldn't take it anymore.

I was sure I was going to die with the guilt I felt. There couldn't be somebody else who felt the same things as me, at least I couldn't believe that somebody could have survived them and I felt sorry for anyone who had yet to suffer the same way I did. To fall in love with the best friend of your girlfriend was the most selfish thing someone could do. It was a horrible crime, a disgusting crime, some one like me didn't deserve any happy endings.

But that was the problem. I was too selfish to give a fuck about what I deserved.

I was too selfish to stay away from Anastasia Steele.

I was a man who loved a woman. I was a man who wanted to be with said woman. I was a man who couldn't imagine being without her.

I was in love.

Her blue eyes were the heavenly sky hidden behind the clouds of the past and I was ready for those clouds to vanish. I wanted to look up and see the blue brightness, I wanted her to be wherever I go - up in the sky, so I could worship her from the cold, hard ground I was standing on. It was pathetic that I idolized her, thought of her as a godlike figure even, but I was too much in love to care about. If I had to use a metaphor, I would describe her as the sun of our heliocentric worldview and myself as stupid Icarus, flying far too close.

The risk of getting burned was worth it.

She was worth it.

Fuck the world, fuck others, fuck our destiny.

I was an unfinished puzzle, unsolved and desperately waiting to be finished, and she was my last piece.

She was the answer to every question I had.

She was more, so much more.

But most importantly, she was mine.

When I lay in my bed after Mia and Ethan's wedding with Leila, who was sleeping peacefully beside me, I realized that I couldn't pretend to be Leila's boyfriend for any longer. I couldn't break up with her and go to Ana afterward, of course. But at least I could be honest to her. I could tell her that I loved someone else and that she deserved someone who loved her. And then I could stay away from both of them, because that was the right thing to do.

If I was going to be in pain, I at least could make sure that I did the right thing.

I have to end this, I thought, I have to end this soon. But I couldn't just wake her up and tell her that we were done, not before our trip to New York, the one thing she had always dreamed about. I could give her that. I could give her one last happy memory with me before ending things.

Oh boy.

I had forgotten that I wasn't famous for my bravest moments.

I was a coward.

I was a coward when I left my girlfriend at the airport, telling her all the things I planned to tell her after our trip, leaving her there like the dick I apparently was all along, just because I was unable to do the right thing for the last time.

Somehow I couldn't leave Seattle, I couldn't leave Seattle because of Anastasia Steele and I hated her for that, but I loved her for that too. I was attracted to her like a moth to a flame. I couldn't set one foot at that airplane without dying inside, I told Leila.

"I'm sorry." Was the last thing I told her before I run away. I ran away from Leila, I ran away from my responsibilities, I ran away from Anastasia Steele.

After all, I was a coward.

A coward who didn't deserve Leila's love, who didn't deserve a happy ending, who didn't deserve anything else than pain.

But even though I didn't deserve anything, I was still a selfish bastard.

A selfish bastard who kissed the woman he loved as soon as he saw her at the docks of Seattle, the place I died in the arms of Anastasia Steele. Her kiss took something from me, something I needed to live, something that was also the very reason for this killing kiss: my heart.

Anastasia Steele owned my heart from now and until the end of time.

If anybody asks: I died a happy man.

* * *

 **Thanks to everyone who supported me until now or plans to support me from now on.**

 **Thanks to my fans, my dearest readers whose attention is a God given gift to me, they make writing worth the trouble.**

 **Thanks to my fsog ladies, my fallen angels, my impatient chicks for encouraing me to write (even when I feel particularly lazy).**

 **Thanks to my beta who has betaed many chapters, expect this one cause I couldn't wait to upload it.**

 **Thanks to anyone who has dealt with my crazy ass teasing on Facebook.**

 **And thanks to E.L.J for bringing us together. Without her, I never would have met you.**

 **Until next time,**

 **Melii xoxo**


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey :)**

 **I don't know why you guys thought that the last chapter was THE last chapter. Maybe my notes at the end confused you, but it wasn't a farewell, it was just me thanking all my fans and friends. I am thanking them again for the reviews and the support, and I am sorry that I haven't been able to answer your questions. I really suck at responding to all of you :( But let's just say that this will have a HEA with Christian and Ana.**

 **Anyway, here we go.**

 **(As always, this is unbetaed since I have no selfcontrol. It might also be that a certain someone's begging has persuaded me to upload with betaing.)**

* * *

 **20\. Betrayal**

I loved Christian Grey.

It was the painful truth, my nightmare, my the-world-is-going-to-end-in-2012 drama. I had been lying to myself for months, I had been pretending to be the good friend, I had been forbidding myself my happiness just because I put the happiness of Leila before mine, just because I thought she deserved all the things I ached for. It might be a mystery to some , why I am always putting the well being of others before mine, some might even call it a nasty habit, but the problem is, I have been doing this all my life now and it became a part of me, a part of my character. I can easily stop caring about random strangers , but Leila was not just anybody.

She was my best friend.

I loved the boyfriend of my best friend. I loved him with every drop of my blood, with every beat of my heart and with every breath I took. I loved him more than Catherine loved Heathcliff, more than Juliet loved Romeo and more than Elizabeth loved Darcy.

I don't think anyone had loved someone else this much before, not without getting an happy ending at least. And I also don't think that anyone had suffered the way I do before. Everybody's pain and suffering was unique, but mine was a one in a million kind of situation.

My best friend was the girlfriend of the man I loved, I had been keeping my feelings to myself since she had been brave enough to go after him first, and while I suffered watching them every day being all lovey dovey, things only got worse when said man left my best friend at the freaking airport because he loved another woman. While I had been trying to understand what could have made him behave like this, wondering who the secret lady in his life was, he was just kissing me the very first second he saw me again.

Christian is kissing me.

The realisation hits me with the force of a wrecking ball. I have thought about this exact moment for months now I have tried to imagine what it would feel like, how his lips would move against mine, how his breath would taste and how his arms would feel around me, on me.

I had imagined our kiss to be a dirty secret, something we would have shared in a dark alley, away from praying eyes, away from judgemental people, the secrecy making it hotter than it already was. He would have pushed me against a wall, kissed me with passion and lust, before we would have parted ways since he still was with Leila. It was dirty and disgusting, but it was hot and it was just a daydream.

I had imagined our kiss to be a special event after he left Leila for me, declaring his love for me, before he swept me away to a mansion in Aspen where we would live for the rest of our lives – I had always thought that the possibility to actually own a mansion in Aspen was higher than the possibility of Christian kissing me. In this particular daydream, everyone was happy about the outcome of our lives and decisions. It was a fairytale after all.

I had imagined our kiss to be an accident, something we did when we were terribly drunk, something we wouldn't tell anyone, but something I would always think about, even if he tried to forget about it. I wouldn't be sad about the fact that he didn't love me, that he regretted our kiss. I would just enjoy the one memory of him and me, the lie I would keep to myself for the rest of my life.

But imagination never beats the real thing.

Imagination is only based on our hopes and dreams, our fantasies showing our true self, something we keep to ourselves and away from everyone else. Imagination is a part of our daily life, a part of our daily thoughts, we keep imagining things like the conversations we are going to have on that day, what we would like to eat, what we would like to do to random, rude strangers or what we wouldn't give to get a chance with the good looking guy on the bus who gives us a sweet smile. Most of the stuff we imagine never becomes reality, it stays in our heads where it belongs, never intruding in our reality. Kissing Christian was one of these imaginations that needed to be locked up in a safe deep down in my head where nobody could find it and where it would end up under spider webs after years of an Oscar worthy show.

But the real deal, the now and then, the feel of Christians lips on mine is so much better than anything I have imagined before, which makes it painful and exciting at the same time.

My heart clenches as wild butterflies fly in my stomach, their wings hitting my ribcage with heavy beats, my breath trembling, mixed with his. His palms feel warm against my cold skin, against my cold heart. I'm unable to move myself, I feel like a strong chain is wrapped around my body, keeping my limbs clued to my sides, even though the demon on my shoulder is daring me to kiss him back, to enjoy the moment, to take what was meant to be mine. I'm used to ignore him though. As much as I would want to kiss Christian, it doesn't change the fact that this is wrong, that this is a disaster. Why is he kissing me? Why me? How? When?

Logic steps in, I'm surprised that my brain is capable of thinking logically while his lips are on mine, but i manage to put the puzzle pieces together. He told Leila that he loved someone else, he left her for another woman and now he is kissing me, me out of all people, unaware that I have been fighting against this exact situation since the day he decided to date Leila. Am I the woman he loves? He loved someone else, he told Leila, he couldn't be with her because of the love he felt for this woman. And now he was kissing me.

Holy fuck.

I'm the other woman. I'm the villain in this story. I'm the reason for Leila's demise. I have tried to prevent this, trying to suppress my feelings, unaware of Christian's feelings and thoughts. I have never thought that someone like him could love someone like me. Why should he? Why should Christian Grey love me?

I open my eyes, unaware that I had closed them, seeing Christian's squeezed ones right in front of me. He looks tortured, he looks like he could regret this. With the last piece of determination I have, I grasp his hands on my face, squeezing them tightly, my fingers between his when I press him away from me, shattering my heart with an ice pickle in the process. It's true what they say, the worst kind of pain is the one you cause yourself.

"Christian." I let out, watching his reddened face relax. He doesn't let go off my hands, instead he grabs them tighter and pulls me closer to him. His gray eyes are looking at me with renewed purpose, like he has finally gotten all the answers to his unanswered questions.

"Ana." He whispers, his fingers brushing over the skin of my palms.

"Oh, Ana. You have no idea… no idea.." He mumbles, shaking his head frantically. "I was going insane. I was so close to show up at your place, but Leila… oh God, Leila.."

He grimaces as if he is in pain, biting his lip. I just watch his facial expressions change from one second to another.

"I was anxious, so anxious to see you. I couldn't wait any longer, only my respect for Leila keeping me here, and then you show up like if this was meant to be. You can't even imagine what I felt when I saw you, Ana. Ana…oh, Ana." He lets out, grinning now, suddenly his hands on my face again, before he pulls my face to his to kiss me again. This time it's more frantic and quicker, he pulls away soon enough only to press his forehead against mine, his nose brushing mine.

Why does this have to happen like this?

Why does he have to kiss me now and like this?

Why does he have to kill me like this?

I squeeze my eyes, pressing my lips together to suppress the loud cry which is trying to break out of me.

"Christian." I whisper, gulping down the sorrow in my throat. "Don't.."

"Ana." He keeps on saying.

"Christian, please. Don't."

He ignores me, repeating his new mantra, my name , over and over again , like if it was the answer to his whole existence, his reason to be. He looks at me like I am the center of his universe , something I have been aching for, something I have craved for so long now. And now that I have what I always have wanted, I don't want it anymore.

I can't have it, now more than ever.

"Ana, I…" He breathes, now looking sternly into my eyes. I panick, I know what's coming and I fear it. His next words could kill me. His next words could end my life. His next words could make my dreams come true.

I can't hold my tears anymore. I look at him with a begging expression, hoping he will be merciful, hoping he won't kill me.

"Christian, please. Don't. Don't do this. Please." I beg and beg, grabbing his hands and pulling them away from my face.

"Ana, I have to say it." He says firmly.

"I can't hear it, Christian. I wouldn't survive it,okay? Leila is my best friend, she is heartbroken because of… because of .."

"Shhh. Don't cry, baby." He hugs me suddenly when I cry out loud, his arms pressing me against his chest, his smell filling my nostrils and enchanting my mind. It's so good that it hurts.

"I'm so sorry, Ana. I was a fool, I was a fool for not noticing… how could I possibly be so blind? It was right in front of my eyes. You were in front of my eyes." He tells me, his soothing voice bewildering me, my arms around him now.

"Don't say it. Please." I beg again, for a last time, knowing well that he is going to do it. He is going to pull the trigger.

"I love you, Ana."

Bang. Right through my heart. I have never thought that I wouldn't like him to love me. I had tried not to imagine it at all, to be honest, too scared to be hopeful. I was right all along, the thought, no, the reality, that Christian could love me was too much to handle. I am torn between being joyful and sad, torn between my own happiness and my best friend's demise, torn between what I want and what I deserve.

How can I be happy with him after he broke my best friend's heart? How can I be happy at all while Leila is suffering in one of the worst kind of ways?

"I love you." He says again, oblivious to my internal suffering. I shake my head vigorously, not wanting to hear it, but aching for it at the same time.

"Please. Don't love me. Don't love me, Christian. You can't love me, not while Leila is crying her eyes out for you, not while she has sent me to talk to you for her. She wants you back, Christian. She wants me to persuade you to come back to her." I sniff, pushing him away and putting safe distance between us. He looks at me with pityful eyes, pitying not me for once, maybe himself or Leila.

"I can't be with her, not while I am in love with you." Christian says, but I interrupt him quickly.

"Stop saying that you love me. Please." I whisper with squeezed eyes.

"But I do, Ana. You have no idea how much I love you. I know that we are not in the best situation, but I am willing to fight for you, for us, if you feel the same way, of course. But even if you don't love me, I can't be with Leila while I am in love with someone else, don't you understand?" He tries to explain himself, the cold wind of February making his bronze curls dance.

If I feel the same way, he says. Blind idiot has no idea what has been going on inside my head, my heart since he walked in at Seatdown on that Friday night many months ago. I huff, a small grin spreading on my face as I try to suppress a laugh because of the irony.

"It does not matter how much we love each other, if Leila is the one getting her heartbroken." I say. Suddenly his eyes widen and a surprised smile curls his lips, his cheeks redden with excitement.

"Does that mean, you love me?" He lets out breathlessly, making me realize the meaning of my words.

"Christian, I.." I try to say something, anything to prevent the situation from getting worse. It's one thing that he loves me, but a totally different thing when he knows that I love him, too.

"You love me? You love me? Oh, Ana." Suddenly I'm in his arms again and he is spinning me around and around, laughing joyfully. I shriek and hold his shoulders tightly.

"You have no idea how happy this makes me. I love you. I love you." He keeps saying, my head dizzy from his words and the spinning when we finally stop. I wonder how he can be happy after he broke Leila's heart, I wonder how he can be this selfish.

"It doesn't matter, Christian. It doesn't mean anything." I say, making him gasp.

"It means the world to me."

Oh for the love of God.

Why does he have to make this harder than it already is?

"How can it mean the world to you, while Leila's world is shattered?" I ask him with a faint whisper. He gulps and looks down at his feet, an embarrassed expression on his pretty face.

"It doesn't matter how much we love each other, and yes, I love you, I love you so much, but we can't be together, not while Leila... Leila.." I cry again, the heavy burden on my shoulders finally gone, finally the words 'I love you' come out of my mouth, finally he knows what's been going on in my head and heart for months. But even though, I know that he loves me and he knows that I love him, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't make me happy, it shouldn't make me happy, not while my best friend is crying her eyes out at home because of the man I love.

"I know that I can't expect you to betray her, I know that we can't build our own happiness on her misfortune, but Ana, I have bee staying away from you for too long now, I don't know if I could survive a day without you from now on. I was so confused, Ana. I was so confused because of the feelings I had for you. I misinterpreted them as friendship, I thought I just cared for you as a friend, but in reality, I was in love with you. It wasn't love at first glance, I didn't know you enough to fall in love with you. No, I fell in love with you with time, the more I got to know you, the more I loved you. It started as a small spark, but now it's wildfire, burning down my world, my senses, my reality. Don't get me wrong, it's not destructive, no, it's vivid and alive, it's more, so much more." He ends his monologue with a cheerful grin, reaching for me again, his eyes on my lips as he leans down to kiss me. With the last bit of responsibility, I turn my head, slowly stepping away from him. I don't have the power to stay with him, I don't know how much I can control myself if he keeps touching me, kissing me. The salty wind of the sea is hitting my face and drying my tears, as I bite my lip and consider that the best thing to do right now is to go. I don't know what will happen after this, I don't know what I will tell Leila, I don't know if anyone in our story will have a happy ending, but I need to get away from him first if I want to find solutions to all of my problems.

"No. No, Christian. Please stop telling me all of these. I can't hear them without feeling like cheating on my best friend, okay? She doesn't deserve any of this. She deserves only the best." I say with a frown, stepping away from him slowly, but he follows me, reaches out for me with his hands like I had always wanted him to do.

"Ana. You deserve to be happy, too. And I could make you happy, if you let me. I know we would have to take our time, I know that I hurt Leila, but I am so tired of pretending to be happy, while my happiness is right in front of me. I have been trying to make Leila happy for so long now, because she didn't deserve anything else, but meanwhile I was the most unhappy person on earth. You have no idea what's that like, Ana." Christian says in pain, shuddering at the thought of his pain. His confession infuriates me. He has no idea what's been going on in my head, he has no idea what I have felt for the last few months. And here he is talking about his pain as if I wasn't in pain, as if I didn't suffer.

"I know exactly how it is, Christian." I hiss angrily, my hands becoming fists at my side. "What do you think I have been going through? How do you think I have felt since you started going out with my best friend? You told me that you didn't fall in love with me at first sight, you said that you fell in love with me with each passing day and how it was life-changing for you. Well, get this, I fell in love with you the first second I saw you, okay? I fell in love with you the night you only had eyes for Leila, I fell in love with you the night I watched my best friend flirt with you, I fell in love with you on the very first day and all the days following. And for me, it wasn't like a spark growing into a vivid wildfire, for me it wasn't like a new purpose to live. I drowned, I drowned in the deep sea of my feelings, I drowned in my love for you, I drowned in the guilt I felt whenever I looked into Leila's eyes. You didn't make me feel alive, Christian. You drowned me, you killed me."

"And I can bring you back to live, Ana. You know that I am the only one who can save you from the deep sea. Just like you are the only one who can protect me from burning. Please, Ana. Please let us be an 'us'." He begs, breaking my heart over and over again.

"How can I live when my best friend just died because of you? I can't be an 'us' with you, Christian. Not now, not ever. Not while Leila is in my life. Please understand this, please let me go." I mumble quietly, watching his eyes widen as he shakes his head.

"Don't do this to us, Ana. Please, let us talk, baby. Please let us deal with everything. There has to be a way for us to find our happiness." He begs again, stepping toward me. I stop him with raised hands.

"I don't want to be happy while Leila is unhappy. Goodbye, Christian." I turn away, ready to run away, ready to face Leila, but he doesn't let me. His hand grabs my arm, turning me toward him forcefully, his brows furrowed, his mouth a thin line.

"Why are you always doing this, Ana? You are putting somebody else's happiness over your own." He hisses at me, sounding irrational and disoriented.

"Leila isn't just anybody. She is my best friend. She is the one you left at the airport. Don't you think she will feel devastated when she finds out that I am the reason for her misfortune? You told her, you loved someone else and that's why you are leaving her. Do you think I want to be that woman? I never would have thought that I would hate that you love me, but I do. I hate that you love me." I confess, freeing myself from his hand. He looks at me in shock, watching me go, letting me go.

It hurts to run away from him.

But it hurts more to stay with him.

I wander around town for the next couple of hours, Seattle's busy Monday passing by me in form of equally busy people running up and down the streets, unaware of the storm raging in me, unaware what happened in the last few hours, unaware of what was going to happen soon enough. I am free of the whole 'I love the boyfriend of my best friend' burden which I have been carrying on my shoulders for the last few months, but now, I have a new kind of burden, the 'the man who broke my best friend's heart loves me' kind, worse than the former one.

I wonder what I will tell Leila, who has been calling me at least twice an hour, about my talk with Christian. I don't have the heart to tell her the truth, I don't think I am brave enough to face her while I tell her that Christian left her because of me. To be honest, I still have to accept the fact that Christian, the man I have loved since day one, loves me. It seems too surreal, too out of this world. It's my one and only dream and my nightmare at the same time. I snort, shaking my head at myself. I never would have thought that I would hate to hear Christian say that he loves me.

It's like God was thinking that our situation wasn't complicated enough.

I could deal with me loving him, but I couldn't deal with him loving me, especially not when he left Leila for me. God. What was I going to say to her? She had begged me to talk to him, making him get back to her. Ironically, I was the reason for their break-up.

My phone chirps, interrupting my existential crisis. Unlike I expected, it's Kate calling. I pick up, thinking that I at least should tell my friends that I am well – as well as I can be, at least.

"Where the hell are you, Ana?" She exclaims loudly before I can greet her. "We have been worried."

"Kate, I am fine." I roll my eyes, more at myself than her. "I'm... on my way home."

Dammit. I shouldn't have picked up.

"Did you find that asshole? Did you talk to him?" Kate whispers into the phone. "Leila has gone to take a nap after a whole lot of crying. I swear, I was so close to hunt him down."

Yeah. Make my guilt even worse, Kate. Go ahead. I squeeze my eyes, biting my lip, hoping I will survive the Kavanaugh interrogation. Crap. I have to think of a good story to tell her.

"Yeah, I did. Listen, Kate, I am going to tell you everything when I get back, okay? Did you hear anything from Elliott?" I deliberately bring him up, knowing well that it will distract her.

"No, asshole number 2 didn't call or show up. Fine by me, to be honest. I can't deal with him today, not after he protected his brother." She snaps, her ire audible. We hang up quickly, before I try to find the next bus stop since I am not planning to walk all the way home. I even consider to take a cab, but I need the extra time the bus will take. I contemplate telling her a lie, how I couldn't find Christian at first and then when I found him, he didn't want to see me or talk to me, saying that he needed his space and time. But the risk of getting caught is too high, since there are a few witnesses like Elliott, who told me where Christian is, and Christian himself. I could also tell her a lie about how Christian and I talked and how he told me that he loved someone we didn't know and that he feels sorry for breaking Leila's heart, but it is how it is, he loves the other woman too much to be away from her.

Lying feels wrong, though. I have been lying to her for too long now.

I have to tell her the truth, I fear. But I don't know how.

Twenty minutes later, I open the door to our apartment, still not sure what to tell Leila, but optimistic enough to improvise. I have to get through this, no matter what. I know the truth will hurt her, it will shatter her to a million pieces, but I owe her that. I can't keep lying.

"No. You listen to me, Elliott. I don't understand why you can possibly protect him after what he has done to Leila." I hear Kate's voice coming from our kitchen. Seems like Elliott finally called her, I know her well enough to know that she would never call him first.

"I'm not breaking up with you, for God's sake. I just don't want to see you at the moment, okay? Leila needs me and I am sure your traitor brother needs you, too." She waves at me when I step in, her face grimaced. I go to our fridge and get myself a cold bottle of soda, pressing the cold glass against my forehead, my head aching. I feel Kate watch me as I drink, Elliott's booming voice audible from her phone. Kate huffs, ending their phone call by promising him that she will call him soon enough. As soon as she hangs up, she is all over me.

"What happened, Ana? What did that bastard say? Who is that chick? Did he tell you when and how he fell in love with her? Is it someone we know? Does he regret leaving Leila? Stupid girl made you ask him to come back to her. I knew that it was a dumb idea. She has to fucking forget him." She groans, asking all the questions I have feared. I don't want to deal with Kate right now. This situation is hard enough without her fierce self. No, this is something I have to deal with Leila alone.

"Is Leila still sleeping?" I ask her, ignoring her questions. "I need to talk to her."

"Okay, let's wake her up and have a cup of tea in the living room. We can talk.." She suggests, the curiosity visible in her pretty eyes. I shake my head at her.

"Let me talk to her alone first." I feel my heart beating fiercely against my chest, ready to break out in order to escape the anxiety tying chains around it. Before she can say anything else, I walk up to Leila's door and knock lightly, before I enter. I'm surprised to see her wide awake, sitting on her bed with her back leaning against the bedpost, hugging her knees. She looks like a mess, her eyes red and swollen, the rest of her face pale, her hair in a messy bun. When she spots me, her eyes widen, an hopeful expression spreading on her face.

"Ana." She whispers, her voice throaty from all the crying, the hope I am going to crush audible in her voice. I hate this moment more than anything and I think I hate Christian more than I love him at the moment.

"Did you talk to him?" She asks me as I close the door behind me, leaving an angry and nosy Kate in the living room. The door clicks as it closes, I hold onto the handle and press my forehead against the door, taking deep breaths.

Now or never.

With the last bit of braveness I have in my heart and the thought that I am doing the right thing, I turn around and walk up to her bed, sitting down on the mattress. I look into her blue eyes, reminding myself that I owe her this, I owe her this after the months of lying.

"Ana?" She whispers again, now sounding fearful. "What did Chri- Christian say?"

God. She can't even say his name without stuttering, that's how much she loves him. But he doesn't love her, he loves me.

"Leila." I mumble, gulping hardly. "Leila, I am so sorry."

Leila gasps, starting to shudder while tears stream down her face. It hurts to see her cry.

"He doesn't want me anymore, right? He is not coming back. He has left me. Ana, I can't live with this, I can't. Why doesn't he love me? Why?" She cries, I join her soon enough.+

"Leila." I say, while she keeps babbling about how much she loves Christian, she wants him back, she can't live without him, she needs him like air.

"Leila." I say again. She ignores, starting to huff, starting to pull at her hair, the bun loosening and making her brown hair fall down to her shoulders. She is losing her shit, she is out of control and she won't listen. I need to get it out of my system, now or never.

"Leila." I say more firmly now, grabbing her hands with mine and finally making her look at me again. I take a deep breath, the anxiety sitting heavy on my chest, the only way to get rid of it is to speak it out.

"Leila, Christian loves me. He left you because of me."

* * *

 **Ciao Ciao, baby - that's what Christian says in the German dubbed movie instead of Laters, baby.**

 **Melii out.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Thank you thank you thank thank you^10 for your support and kind words :-***

 **This chapter is for all the ladies of Facebook 3**

 **And it's also unbetaed ;)**

* * *

 **21\. To do the right thing**

 **CPOV**

„Christian, can you please save these records? I will have Thatcher look over them."

The soft, feminine voice of my boss doesn't have its usual tingling effect as she leans over my shoulder to take a look of my laptop's screen, her blonde hair brushing my cheek, her perfume strong and heavy. I double click the safe button, before sending the files to her via email.

„Thanks, Christian." Politely Ariel Mosby thanks me before walking away, her blonde waves cascading over her back.

„Damn." My colleague, Sean, mumbles from the cubic next to mine, his voice giving away that he has been starring at Ariel's ass again. He has what he calls a sexual crush on her. If I hadn't been in love with a certain Brunette, I would have bothered to take a look of Ms. Mosby, but since my heart and head was full of the sensational feelings for Ms. Steele, any women beside her is as appealing to me as a flu – besides I never had a thing for blondes.

„Eyes on your desktop, Sean." I say with a grin. His green eyes are piercing me when he raises his head over the half wall between us.

„You can't tell me that you didn't notice how attractive she is." He whispers with a smirk. „I mean, okay, you're girlfriend is a perfect ten, Grey, but still you can appreciate God's gift to mankind."

He is quick enough to catch my frown.

„What did happen? Did she break up with you? Did she ditch you for another man? Did she became less than a ten?" Sean gives me a horrified look, making me roll my eyes at him.

„Nothing like that." I answer shortly , not wanting to tell him about my fucked up love life while a shoulder high wall stands between us. His eyes scan over my desk, before looking back into mine with a knowing smirk. He is a tenacious ass.

„You have removed her picture from your desk, leaving that nerdy little glider alone. Seems to be serious." He points out proudly, oblivious that the nerdy little glider means the world to me.

„Don't hate on the glider." I give him a half-assed threatening look before I turn away from him, my focus on my computer now. The sleek, light blue wallpaper sports the original Trevelyan logo. It is frustrating that we are not allowed to use individual wallpapers. I certainly have better things to stare at than my boss' boss' boss' name all day.

„Did you ever see one in full size, Grey?" Sean asks me as he sits down, his chair crackling a little underneath his weight.

„One day I will, my friend. Just like you will see a woman in your life."

„Ha ha ha." He smacks his lips, mumbling something along the lines of ‚fucking Grey'. A grin spreads on my face when I manage him to shut up. As much as I enjoy talking to him, I have far more important things to do. It's 3pm after all.

 **To:** Anastasia Steele

 **From:** Christian Grey

 **Subject:** Please

Ana,

Another three hours have passed since the last time I wrote you. I'm kinda getting used to these three hour routine emails, no matter how much they pain me. Your silence kills me, Ana. At this point, I would be just grateful if I just got to know that you are alright. I'm really trying to respect your wish to have some distance, but at least let me know that you are alright, baby. (Sorry, I called you baby again). It's been a month, the longest one in my life because without you time doesn't seem to work correctly . Hell, nothing works correctly without you. Myself included.

I miss you. A lot.

And I love you. The most.

Christian Grey

IT Department

Trevelyan Enterprises

With a sigh, I close my Internet browser and with it my email account. My eyes instinctively wander toward my glider, the small plastic object containing so many memories has been the only thing that kept me sane for the past four weeks now. It's the only visible exhibit of Anastasia Steele left in my life, beside my daily emails to her. She has only answered them twice until now, telling me that she is fine and that she needs a time off from all of this chaos going on in our lives. I tried to be understanding and supportive, after all I wanted to give her everything she wanted and deserved, but the taking time off part of her decisions included also being far away from me. I don't like being away from her, to be honest. I want to be with her, I have always wanted that, but I only now realize what it means.

Carefully, I touch a wing of the glider, scared to harm it in any possible way, also fearing to push it out of the shadowed area on my desk, because that damned thing is super sensitive with sunlight. More than once I have mistakenly made it fly around the office, cursing it when it landed on top of the cabinet over the sink. Then I found out that a certain someone had stolen the little remote of it, only to have his fun watching me chase the bloody glider. After that I had restored the remote somewhere safe where it was safe from Sean's hands.

If only I could keep Ana safe, too.

Safe from my probably tiring love, from my silent nagging and my love declarations which seem to overwhelm her more and more, from my hopes and dreams for our future, and from the mistakes of our pasts.

Safe from her deconstructive friends who had mostly decided to cut ties with her when they found out about what I had done to Leila, not really caring that nothing was Ana's fault, I had been dumb enough to fall for the best friend of my girlfriend, she had pushed me away. Safe from Leila's understandable ire, safe from the heartbreak she had endured when Leila had dismissed her out of her life, from the treason when all of her friends had taken Leila's side, not bothering to listen to her – except Ethan, God bless his heart, who had protected her from the anger of the others. Kate had been furious, she told Ana that she should have told Leila the truth from the very first day and not after I decided to break up with Leila. Mia had called all the way from Ibiza, asking what was going on, trying to talk Ana into cutting ties with me – which she kinda did in the end – if she wanted to be Leila's friend. Luke had kept his thoughts to himself, he told everybody that we were all grown-ups and we should deal with our problems maturely, but I feared that he blamed Ana a little. Ethan had told Mia and Kate to keep their opinions to themselves, it was not up to them what was going to happen next, that they should be supportive friends for Leila and Ana, because that's what both needed. While everybody had been talking furiously, Leila and Ana had kept their mouths shut, no heavy fight started, unlike what I had expected. Leila had done something far worse than screaming and throwing a fit: she had decided to ignore Ana.

Her ignorance had hurt Ana the most. She had said that she didn't care enough about Ana anymore to be angry at her. She wanted her gone from her life. That's why Ana had packed her stuff and left Seattle at the early hours of a Saturday morning, leaving everything and everyone behind her. From Ethan, I had found out that she was at her parents in Georgia. That was all I knew of her and that – I am quoting – _she was fine._ I was one hundred percent sure that she was anything but fine, she was just too stubborn to talk with me.

And most importantly, I wanted to keep her safe from herself. Ana was so focused on the happiness of others, that she easily forgot about her own, she simply didn't care enough about herself.

"...and I don't think that it is a good idea to leave Hope alone with that jackass. I don't know what Amy was thinking." Sean says, his head once again above the half wall between us, his tone furious as he talks about his ex wife, Amy, who let their daughter alone over the weekend with her new boyfriend. Sean and Amy got divorced two years ago, the only good outcome of their marriage being Hope, a sixteen year-old teenage girl, whom Sean loves like nobody else. He still has to deal with the fact that his little girl has a boyfriend, though. More than once, he has roughened up the poor kid. I perfectly remember the father of my first girlfriend, Mr. Bloom had threatened to shoot me if I hurt his daughter more than once.

"Hey. You listening, Grey?" Sean asks me with raised brows. I sigh before I nod, a polite lie.

"Sure. You were telling me that you still don't like that boyfriend of Hope."

"Not liking does not even come close to what I feel." He groans, shaking his head. "That kid is too horny for his own good."

I know exactly how teenage boys can be, I was one of them myself not a long time ago after all. I wonder what I will do when I have daughters myself. Will I be as possessive and protective as Sean? I will have to if they have the pretty sea blue eyes of their mother.

By the end of the day, I know more about Amy's love life than I actually want to, but I listen to Sean's words politely and patiently. He mostly blames his ex wife, whom he calls Maleficent behind her back, because that's how evil she is. I head toward Seatdown after work, Elliott and I have planned to have some drinks. He is waiting for me at our usual table with a pitcher of beer in front of him and a sour face on his face.

"What's it with the face, Leilliot?" I ask him as I sit down opposite of him, calling him by his family nickname. We have been seeing each other more frequently since the whole Christian-loves-Ana-not-Leila fiasco came out. Since he has been having Ana and my back from day one, his popularity within the group has fallen gradiently. To say that Kate was pissed at him would be an underestimation.

"Kate." He says simply, taking a big gulp of his drink. I feel sorry for being the reason for their fight, but I don't understand why Kate keeps insisting on me being the villain in this story. I am not trying to defend my idea to dump Leila at the airport, that hadn't been one of my brightest moments, but my motives had been pure, just my action had been villain-y, I guess. She blames me for ripping the group apart, and she blames Ana for letting all of this happen because in Kate's opinion, if Ana had been honest from day one, then I never would have dated Leila, I never would have hurt Leila and I never would have ripped the group apart. It maddens me that Kate doesn't care about Ana's feelings or how Ana reacted when I declared my love to her. She had loved me from day one, but she had rejected me just because she knew that she couldn't be with me, not while Leila was in our lives. I don't know exactly what made her confess her feelings to Leila, though. When I had heard about it, I had first hoped that it would mean, she is ready to be with me, facing every obstacle with me. Sooner or later, I had concluded that it hadn't been an act of bravery or madly love. It was Ana's honesty taking over, it was her wanting to solve any problem between her and her friends, only creating a bigger mess. I know Ana good enough to know that she had been ready for the mess, she never does something without over-thinking it. Once again, I am dying to hear what she has been thinking, if she was thinking about me at all, like the way I thought about her all day.

"I'm really sorry, Elliot." I begin my usual excuse, but he stops me just like he has always done in the past month whenever I tried to apologize for what happened.

"It's not your fault." He says, his answer never changing. "It's Kate and her damned pride. She is too proud to admit that she has been wrong."

"You really think she realized that she is wrong?" I ask him, my voice giving away my doubt. Kate is too convinced of her idea that Ana and I are the ones who willingly fucked up. At least that's what she seemed to think when she was screaming at me over the phone.

"I _know_ that she has. She is an in-the-moment type of person, she saw Leila crying and she blamed you guys, without thinking about your decisions and feelings. I know that she has realized that she has done the wrong thing, but I don't understand why she fights against it." He tells me with a frown, mumbling something about 'freaking women' and how they frustrate him. Before meeting Kate, my brother never had bothered to get to know a girl. He had slept with lots of different women in his wild, bachelor years, but he never bothered to get to know them. I had been genuinely surprised when he had told me that he wanted to be more with Kate, and not because of her looks, no, Elliott really loved the furious blonde journalist.

"I love the way she is passionate about things. I love the way she is ambitious, maybe sometimes a little obsessed, but I love that she is a warrior. She never gives up, even if she feels insecure, _especially_ if she feels insecure. People take a look of her and only see an admittedly attractive woman, they think of her as vain, but they don't know the woman I know. They don't know that she doesn't give a fuck about her looks, she doesn't win her battles with it. No, she fights her wars with her soul, her intelligence and her dedication. I love her for mistakes, I love her in spite of them, even if they drive me mad. I love Kate Kavanaugh for who she is and not for whom I would like her to be." He had told me once, making me think about my own confused feelings, torn between two women, between doing the right thing and the easy thing. That might be the most thoughtful thing I had ever heard from Elliott.

"You know that you don't have to pick sides, right? If Kate is what you want, I won't sabotage it, or something." I say, waving to the waitress two tables away. I think I will order Scotch tonight, maybe with soda. The red-haired waitress scribbles down my order before walking away to the busy bar where José is serving drinks.

Elliott groans, rolling his eyes at me.

"I know. You have been saying that a dozen times at least. This is not about picking sides, she doesn't want me to abandon you. She wants me to admit that she is right, because Kate loves being right."

It seemed like Kate loved being right more than anything, but I keep this thought to myself. I don't want to add more fuel to the wildfire.

"Enough of me and Kate. How are things?" He asks me, sounding concerned and maybe a little pitiful. I have been getting this look for a month now, from him, my parents, Jason, John and Ethan. Ethan is the only one of Leila's friends with whom I still talk. The others just hate me or, like in Luke's case, want to respect Leila. I understand that I am their least favorite person now, because even though Ana and I never had intended to hurt Leila, in the end we just did. Our honesty had hurt her, but I tried to think that it was better than cheating on her. We had loved each other for a while now, tiptoeing around each other, clueless of each others thoughts and feelings, while pretending that everything was perfect, until one day, one of us – the weaker one – exploded, and the truth was out. Ana, being the most selfless one of us, had burdened every possible outcome and told Leila about her true feelings, all the things she had kept secret from everyone – Ana was a pro when it came to keeping her feelings and thoughts to herself. I don't know what she had wanted to achieve, I am only sure that she knew what her confession might cause. She had told Leila about how she fell in love with me at first sight, as cliché as it sounds, how she never thought that I would never bother to look at someone like her, that's why she didn't bother trying to flirt with me or talk to me, but when Leila was into me, she also didn't want to ruin her happiness, so she kept her mouth shut. She told Leila that she was willing to watch her being with the man she loved, if that was what Leila wanted in order to be happy. Ana never had wanted to be with me, not while Leila was in the picture, she never wanted me to break up with Leila.

Unfortunately, Leila didn't see that Ana was being annoyingly selfless, once again. She asked her why she was telling her all of this, did she really think she wanted to know about her best friend's feelings for her boyfriend, did she really think telling the truth now could do any good. It was too late, Leila told Ana, I already had left her. She asked her to go, to go the fuck away, she didn't want Ana to be a part of her life anymore.

Unlike me, she didn't see Ana's last try to do the right thing. Ana had confessed her feelings to Leila because she didn't want her to blame a faceless woman while she was the one person causing her demise. She took the blame and left, like she always does. It had been the right thing to do, but it sure hadn't been easy.

I loved Anastasia Steele more and more with each passing day, with each new information I found out about her, with each frustrating character trait. Just like Elliott had said, I loved her for who she was and for whom I would like her to be. I just didn't know if she loved me as much as I loved her, I wondered if her feelings for me had vanished after leaving Seattle. The fact that I heard all about the epic discussion between Ana and Leila from Elliott speaks for itself. Ana hadn't talked about this with me, yet. And since our contact only is build on the three hour routine emails I sent her, I doubt that we ever will actually talk again.

For fuck's sake.

"Things are tough." I frown, the word kinda insufficient to describe my drama. As the waitress – I think her name was Rebecca, but I am not entirely sure – places my order in front of me, I give her a thankful smile and take an immediate huge sip of it. The burn of my throat distracts me of the pain in my chest.

"Haven't you heard anything from _her_?" Elliott asks, stressing the last word. I'm thankful that he doesn't use her name, I have kinda forbidden myself to speak it out loud and I also don't want to hear it, fearing that it might hurt me. Anastasia Steele has managed to break my heart and make me a drama queen. God. I love her.

I shake my head, getting my phone out of my pocket and placing it on the table in front of me with the display visible, so I don't miss anything if Miss Steele decides to finally answer my emails, texts or calls.

"The last time she contacted me was two weeks ago. _I am fine._ " I try to mimic her voice, her cute, angelic voice, but I fail terribly. "I don't think she is, I wish she was, but I know her too well to believe that she is fine."

I start to hate that word. _Fine._ Keep lying to yourself, Ana.

"She came like a hurricane, and went like a wind. Doesn't she know what kind of mess she left behind?" I keep rambling, furrowing my brows now with irritation.

"Seems like she has just followed your advice." Elliott says with a shrug, making me look at him questioningly.

"You were the one telling her to be a little selfish all the time. And now, she has decided to be selfish by running away." He explains to me, shrugging again. I never had thought about it in that way before. Oh. I guess, Ana was finally thinking about herself first, even if that meant that she left me behind, too. I am willing to be left behind, if that means she will do things for her own good.

"Since when did you get so wise?" I ask my brother, a little playful brotherly roasting has never hurt. He rolls his eyes, a crooked grin curling his lips.

"Since your brain left the building." He winks at me, his hands playing with the rim of his glass.

"Well, unlike you, I had a brain which could leave the building." My remark is weak, but our little dispute makes me laugh, so it's fine.

"Exactly. You had a brain which could leave, I have a brain which can't leave."

I frown at him, thinking of a good comeback.

"And you used to believe in the Smurfs."

"Hey! I was only five years old." He pouts, making me think about our times spent at our grandparent's house where we once got lost in the woods because he wanted to find the Smurfs. With his five years, he had believed that they existed.

"Have you heard anything from Leila?" He asks me after two more drinks, the Smurfs forgotten, making me stop mid-sip. I slowly shake my head, the guilt once again presence at the mention of my ex girlfriend. Leila and I haven't seen each other since that damned day where I left her at the airport, breaking her hurt and breaking it even more when she found out that I loved her best friend. I knew that I owned her an explanation, I had tried to contact her, but she had told me via Kate that she didn't want to talk to me. I only could respect that.

"Things are rough for her, too." He states with a sad sigh.

While I thought about how things were rough for Ana, Leila and me, I wondered if we ever would be able to be happy.

But how happy could Leila be while I was aching for her best friend?

 **From:** Anastasia Steele

 **To:** Christian Grey

 **Subject:** Don't worry

I'm fine, Christian. Don't worry about me.

Ana

I read her newest email over and over again, the words daunting me, mocking me even. I understand that she wanted to leave the mess behind her, that she needed time to cool off, time to think about important decisions about her future with me or without me. I understand that I was expecting too much of her, I wanted her to come back to be with me and I knew she couldn't just do that without solving her problems with Leila first – I try not to be doubtful, but I don't see a way how to make Leila accept that Ana and I are meant to be without breaking her heart even more -, and I understand that I need to be patient, give her the time she needs and be supportive, but in the end I am just human. I expect certain things, I have my own wishes and dreams, that's why it angers me that she didn't bother to write me a fucking proper email. _I'm fine,_ she said again. For god's sake. Tell me what you are doing, tell me what you are thinking about, tell me if you are thinking about me, tell me that you love me, tell me _if_ you love me at all, or did you forget about me, did you forget about me because you thought it was the best for you or did you do it because it was the best for Leila. Don't tell me that you are fine, as selfish as it sounds, I don't want you to be fine while I am not fine at all. How can I be fine without you?

My thoughts are uncoordinated, a mess, chaotic, just like me. I sit up on my couch, dragging my hands through my hair. They are a mess, too. The lights in my living room are off, I didn't bother turning them on just like the TV, I don't need mindless rambling in the background, my brain is full enough. This is not what I deserve, what we deserve. We deserve more than weak emails and polite texts. I try my luck by calling her again, aching to hear her voice after five weeks of silence, the last words I heard from her were that she hated to love me, their content not giving me hope, but I don't want to hope for more, I just want more. And more right now means hearing her voice.

"Hello?" Suddenly all my synapses are tingling, her voice running down my back like a chill, my heart pumping fiercely in my chest. I did not expect that. She picked up. She really picked up.

"Hello? Christian?" She says again, sounding confused because of my silence, while I try to analyze her voice, trying to read something out of it. She sounds a little out of breath, is it the excitement she is feeling because of my phone call, is the sharp guilt brewing in her, is it annoyance? What are you thinking, Ana?

"Christian, are you there?" She asks, my name out of her mouth making hope rise in me, hope I would hate to crush. Why did she pick up now, why today? Why didn't she answer my calls the last billion times I called?

"Chris-" I interrupt her, sounding breathy myself.

"Ana." I say, repeating her name over and over again while she listens to me, silence once again her dominant trait.

I say her name, her beautiful name, regretting that it wasn't the first thing I said in my life, but hoping that it will become the last thing that leaves my mouth when I close my eyes for eternal sleep. I hope that she will be at my side when we are both old and gray, I hope that she will be at my side for the rest of my life. I hear her hiccup, her breathing giving away that she is crying, maybe because she misses me, too. I hope that she misses me, too.

„Ana." I say just as she says my name.

„Christian."

We laugh, hers sounding heavenly, mine more embarrassing. I can't believe my luck, she has really picked up her phone.

„Baby, I miss you so much." I say, the stupid grin on my face starting to become permanent. She is making me happy, even if she is so many miles away from me – 2.883 miles to be exact. I hear her breaths, deep intakes followed by hasty outtakes, she whimpers before talking again.

„I miss you, too." She whispers, unaware that her words set my whole senses on fire, making my heart beat faster, my stomach swirl. She is all the best feelings in the world. She is the exciting feeling of a first kiss, she is the joy of a small child who got his Christmas presents, she is the first warm day of the year, she is the colorful lights of a Christmas tree.

„You do? God, Ana. You have no idea how happy that makes me." I say, my patience finally paying off, my anxiety now in the past. I have thought that she had forgotten me, that she hated me, but she confessed that she missed me. You can't miss someone you hate, right?

„It pains me. Missing you hurts me." She says, gulping hardly. „I didn't think I would ever be strong enough to hear your voice."

„You are the strongest person I know, Ana." I like saying her name, it's the most beautiful sound in the world to me.

„But I couldn't bear it anymore. Not hearing your voice was even harder, I don't now how I managed to wait so long." She keeps on talking, ignoring me completely.

„I thought if I stayed away from you, I could forget you. I wanted to forget you, I really did, it would be the right thing to do, but it's not the easiest thing to do since you are like a parasite living in my heart and the only way getting rid of you is to rip out my own heart. Tell me, how can I rip out my own heart?"

„You don't have to, baby. You don't have to forget me." I beg, the thought of her forgetting me my nightmare.

„But I can't keep you in my heart. I shouldn't." She must be crying now, her voice giving her away. It pains me, making her cry the last thing I want.

„Ana, please. I love you." I whine, telling over and over again that I love her.

I hear how she takes deep breaths, how she cries, how she fights against her guilt, how she fight against me, against us.

„I.." She says, gulping hardly. I wait patiently, try to be patient at least.

„I.."

„Yes, Ana?" I ask her, trying to encourage her to speak out the three words I ache to hear.

Suddenly, the phone clicks. She has ended the phone call, leaving me a nervous mess, shuttering my hopes and dreams again.

„Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Dammit, Ana." I roar, throwing my phone against the floor. Thanks to my carpet it stays in tact. Why did she have to do this? Why did she build up my hope and then shutter it to a million pieces? This might be the first time I am angry at her in the last few weeks, I tried to be understanding, supportive, but I am only human in the end. I had my limits, too. I pick up my phone from the floor, calling her again, but just like I had suspected, she doesn't pick up.

„Fuck you." I hiss, more directed at my phone than Ana, trying to call her again. This time, she has turned her phone off.

I know what her problems are , I know that she is blaming herself for Leila's misfortune, I know that she doesn't want to give in into happiness with me because she fears that this would hurt Leila even more or at least make it look like she didn't care about her. I know all of these, I respect all of these, but I don't want to understand it, I don't want to live like that. I want her, I want her to be mine. I'm selfish like that.

Knowing Ana, I know that she will never let us happen if she doesn't think she has Leila's blessing, but I doubt that we ever will have Leila's blessing. I can't blame her for not giving us her blessing, but I'm willing to try. I'm willing to break Leila's heart more than I have already done if that means I will get Ana, as selfish as that sounds.

With renewed purpose, maybe even less logic and sense than ever, I get up, getting my phone and my keys, not bothering to put on a jacket and leave my apartment. My destination is Ana and Leila's apartment, my goal is brutal, but I have passed humanity long time ago. Luckily, the door at the entrance is open so I can enter the building without Leila knowing. I run up the stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator, finally getting to their floor. With a raised fist, I knock heavily at the door, before ringing the bell impatiently. I must look like a madman right now, but I don't care. I stopped caring as soon as I heard Ana fight against the love she feels for me.

Leila opens the door a few seconds later, a shocked expression on her face when she notices me standing in front of her.

I never would have thought that I would see her so soon. I never would have thought I would come here to beg for forgiveness, not that I was too proud to ask for forgiveness, I just didn't thought I would cause her more pain. I am disgusted by myself a little, I realise that I am willing to hurt someone else for my own happiness, just like my cousin did many years ago, but like Ana had said, people really did the most irrational things when they were in love.

„What are you doing here?" She hisses at me, her hands grasping the door as if she was ready to close it any second. I press my hand against the door.

„Wait. Please, let me talk."

Her blue eyes widen, before she frowns at me with from anger reddened cheeks.

„Let you talk? How dare you tell me what to do?"

„I know that I have no right to demand anything from you, but Leila, we need to talk. You know that we _need_ to talk." I try to persuade her. „Please, Leila"

„Not now, okay? I'm not ready for this." She says, her voice sounding sad, making the following words even harder for me.

„Leila, I need to talk to you about Ana."

Leila gasps, looking at me like I am her one and only enemy, the villain in her story. I suppose somehow I am, but I'm willing to be her villain, if that means I will be Ana's Prince Charming. It's disgusting, it's wrong and it's selfish, but it's the right thing for me.

„Go." My ex girlfriend simply answers, shaking her head. Her hair is a messy bun on her head, she is dressed in her usual sweatpants and pullover.

„Go."

„I can't, okay? I wish I could, I wish I didn't have to come here, I wish I didn't have to hurt you more, but I can't. I can't forget Ana, I can't leave her, I can't be without her. But she doesn't want to be with me. You know why? Because she is the most selfless person I have ever met and I know that you know that, too. She is too selfless to be with me because she doesn't want to be with someone who has hurt her best friend, she doesn't want to be with me because she thinks it's wrong and disgusting, and in a way it is, but nothing has ever felt more right before." I say in a breathy voice, I'm in awe with Ana's selflessness, as annoying as it can get.

Leila lets out an arrogant laughter, it doesn't sound like the woman I know at all.

„Now she has morals? Where were these morals when she fucked my boyfriend behind my back? This is so classic Ana. Always the little goody two shoes, always putting on a show in which she is always the holy one. She is dying to let people think that I am the heathen."

„I know you well enough to know that this isn't your real opinion about her. You know Ana the best, Leila. You know that she isn't like that. You are just hurt and you want to hurt her."

„I don't care enough about her to hurt her. I don't care what is happening to her. She can go to hell." Leila fumes, her eyebrows furrowed.

„Ana and I never cheated on you, Leila. We never had a secret relationship behind your back. Do you think Ana would have done something like that? We didn't know we had feelings for each other until _that_ day. We both tried to do the right thing, we both tried to listen to our morals, but I couldn't any longer, okay? I was tired of doing the right thing, I was tired of pretending to be happy while my real happiness was right in front of me." I explain to her. Leila snorts and looks at me in shock.

„Good thing to know that I was making you unhappy. It certainly didn't seem that way when you wanted whisk me away to New York."

„I wanted to give you everything you deserved. You deserve all the best things on the world and I wanted to give you them all, because I was devastated at the thought that I could break your heart , that was the last thing I wanted. I tried to be the boyfriend you deserve." I say, my excuse poor but true and honest.

„I didn't deserve to be dumped for my best friend. I didn't deserve my best friend telling me that she loves my boyfriend, that she is the reason for him leaving me." Leila hisses, absolutely right.

„I know and I wish I could prevented that from happening, but I am only human, a man who is deeply in love with a woman, and I was tired from lying to myself, to you, to the whole world."

„I don't want to hear the sick story of how you fell in love with her." She looks disgusted. „Just go, Christian."

„I can't go. Not without.." I stop, shaking my

* * *

head before speaking. „Not without getting your blessing."

„My what?" She shrieks. „Leave. Now."

She tries to close the door between us, but I use both of my hands to prevent her from closing the door to my future with Ana.

„Ana doesn't want to be with me. She is at her parents, she barely talks to me, she completely isolated herself."

„I don't care what she does. Suits you well that you want someone who doesn't want you."

„Do you want me back? Do you still love me? Would you be able to be with me after what I have done to you?" I ask her.

„What the hell kind of question is that?" I notice that she isn't answering my questions immediately, maybe I shouldn't have asked them so soon, but I'm too desperate to care about right and wrong.

„You don't want me back, Leila. Not anymore. Why don't you let me be happy with someone else then?"

„I don't care what happens to the both of you. I'm not trying to prevent you from being with her, because I don't give a fuck if you are together or not. For all I care, get married and be sickingly happy." She hisses, again trying to close the door.

„So, you are giving us your blessing?" I ask her with a trembling voice, the possibility of being with Ana is exciting me.

„Yes, I do. You are the worst kind of human beings I have ever met, you deserve each other."

When she tries to close the door this time, I don't stop her, her sad and angry expression the last thing in my mind, my heart fluttering with the anticipation I am feeling.

I need to get my girl back.

* * *

 **Dun. Dunn. Dun.**

 **Did anyone catch his own name? ;) I tried to squeeze in a few of my favorite Facebook ladies, but since there are too many I couldn't get all of them in this chapter. But don't worry, I have tons of chapter of other stories to fill with cameos :-***

 **Until next time.**

 **Only 3 chapter left though..**


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks for reviewing the last time :-***

 **This chapter would have been written faster if I didn't sprain my ankle or lose my inspiration in the process. It also would have taken me longer if i didn't change Ana's mood and thoughts a little. I had something else planned originally, but I like how it turned out now.**

 **Hope you enjoy it ;)**

 **NOT BETAED since my eyes are burning from the writing marathon I have pulled today and I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer by sending it to my beta. She still rocks, though :-***

* * *

 **22\. Happiness**

The soft breeze of late March rustles my curtains, the fresh wind freezing my naked toes. I wiggle them to get my blood running, but it's helpless against the one in 365 cold day of Savannah. With a resigning sigh, I reach over to my blanket and search comfort underneath it. My toes warm up soon enough, the only thing cold my pillow now. I should have closed the window before lying down, I think to myself. I feel immensely lazy, something I got used to while my stay at my parents, the blanket for now keeping me safe from the cold breeze. Maybe I should have put on some socks. Mum had been nice enough to buy me a few pairs since I had forgotten mine at Seattle, the act of vanishing out of the blue meant being sock-less, apparently.

But if my dramatic getaway means having cold feet – metaphorically and physically -, then I am willing to endure frozen toes.

With a bored groan, I turn around, facing the yellow painted wall on my left. I touch the rough surface, the little dots on it brushing my palm. The harder I press my hand against the wall, the more it hurts – nothing compared to the pain in my chest, though. Great. Now I am being melodramatic. I am reaching new lows, all thanks to my stupid heart, my stupid selfless ass, my stupid decisions and stupid Christian Grey, whom I cannot call mine.

 _Don't go there, Ana._

Internal self-scolding has become my new hobby. I am really good at it. My mum insists on that I need an actual hobby and less of the self-pitying I am doing – I am good at that, too -, but I don't think my passion lies in pottery. Or in fishing, my dad's one and only obsession. Or in knitting. Or in anything my mother proposed. I am very happy with my books in my room and on my bed, being alone has never felt this good before. Usually, I would hide in my room to get away from the turbulent life of my friends, but this time, I hide in my room because I am trying to escape the turbulence of my mind and my heart. With my nose in a book, I think that the drama won't reach me. I use hardcovers as a shield and the sharp edges of each page as a sword. And if you are wondering, whom I am fighting, then please let me introduce you to Anastasia Steele.

Selfless, kind-hearted, loyal and apparently, an idiot.

Wow. I have become a sarcastic person. Great. It's amazing what a couple of heartbreaks – yours, your best friends and your man of your dreams – could do to you.

My heartbreak started back in September when I first met Christian Grey. I fell in love with him at first sight, but only comprehending later that it was just crush at first, it became love the more time I spent with him. The problem was that my best friend also fell in love with him and he only had eyes for her, so with a comic worthy performance, my heart bowed out.

Leila's heart broke the minute, Christian dumped her at the airport, telling her that he loved somebody else, that he couldn't be with her. And then it broke again, when I told her that I was the woman he had left her for, that I, out of all people, was the reason for her heartbreak.

Christian's heart broke, at least that's what he told me in one of his emails, the minute I rejected him, even if it was for the greater good. He told me his broken heart was too selfish to be away from me.

"Maybe that's the problem with us." I said. "Maybe you are too selfish and I am too selfless."

"Then let's complement each other." He had answered, knowing well what to say to make me doubt my decisions.

It would be so easy to just go back to Seattle, go back to Christian, go back to my love, go back to where my heart was beating, go back to my old life, but the problem was, I had no life in Seattle anymore. I had lost all of my friends, all of them had blamed me for Leila's demise, and in a way I understood them, but still it had hurt. To be honest, I didn't really bother explaining myself to them, my only priority had been Leila, but I wish that at least one of them had asked me about my feelings and thoughts. Didn't they see that I was equally in pain, that I was broken just like Leila? Or didn't they care? Ethan had protected me from fierce Kate and Mia, telling them to keep their noses out of our problem, I appreciate that a lot. But he hadn't asked me about my point of view, maybe I was being greedy, maybe even selfish, but I had hoped that at least one of them would have cared about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe they did, but they were too polite to ask because they feared to disrespect Leila, I had thought, being the silly person that I am. But when I had packed my stuff to leave Seattle, nobody had called or come to say goodbye.

I was leaving their lives, but they didn't feel the need to say goodbye.

Why should I go back to Seattle?

The only person who would welcome me with open arms is Christian. He is also the last person I want to be welcomed by, more like _he is the last person I am allowed to be welcomed by_. He wants me, but I can't have him. Why? Because I want to respect Leila, because I want to be a good friend. I can't stop wondering if it is really worth the trouble, since all of my former friends have proven that they don't deserve my selflessness. Why am I still trying to please them, then? Why can't I be the selfish person I need to be? Why can't I take the happiness offered to me?

This questions haunt my mind as my eyes close, my breathing slows and my heart rests in the peaceful slumber of sleep.

 _"What are you talking about, Ana?" Leila let out, her brows furrowed. She let go off my hands as if I was disgusting her. Who could blame her? I shook my head, now my tears streaming down my face, repeating that I am sorry, so sorry._

 _"Christian loves you?" She exclaimed loudly._

 _"I'm so sorry." I whispered, not daring to say yes, but hoping that she_ _would_ _get me. Leila frowned at me, her mouth opening and closing_ _a_ _few times, before she shook her head._

 _"Since when?" She asked, suspiciously too calm, her crying had stopped._

 _"I don't know."_ _I could only say._

 _"But he told you that he loves you?"_

 _I nodded, not looking at her eyes. I didn't have the courage to look into her blue eyes which were famous to mess me up._

 _"Doesn't he love me at all?"_ _She let out, the last bit of hope in her voice vanished._

" _He has left me for you?" She asked, for her credit, it didn't sound disgusted, more shocked. "For my best friend?"_

" _Leila, I.."_

" _You guys are a couple now, or what?" She snorted arrogantly, now her calmness vanishing. "You think you can really be a couple while I am a mess_ _ **because of you**_ _?"_

 _I cried, I cried, and I cried some more, listening to all the things she had to say patiently, because I deserved her ire, I deserved everything and more._ _I was the most horrible human being. I had fallen in love with the boyfriend of my best friend and somehow I had managed him falling in love with me, too. She had every right to be angry at me._

" _I can't believe this, Ana. I can't believe this. How didn't I see you screwing each other behind my back?" She shrieked loudly, pushing me away from her to get out of her bed._

" _It wasn't like that!" I exclaimed. "We didn't.. we never..."_

 _She laughed arrogantly, walking up and down her room, her steps heavy._

" _Tell me, how you fucked my boyfriend behind my back, then? What did you guys do? Did you laugh at my stupidity? Did you make fun of me? Did it get you off?"_

" _Leila, we didn't know we loved each other until today." I cried out, standing up and stepping toward her. She stopped me with raised hands._

" _Did you both just wake up today and thought_ 'oh, I love him, I love her, let's fuck Leila over' _? Today, out of all days? Just before we were going to New York?" She hissed, doubting me obviously. I shook my head rapidly, my heart beating against my ribcage_ _like the wings of a wild hummingbird._

" _No! This wasn't planned. Do you think I would have wanted to hurt you?"_

" _Does it matter? In the end, you did. You hurt me, Ana."_

" _Christian and I, we loved each other from afar, oblivious to each others feelings, never daring to speak the truth out because we didn't want to hurt you. But when Christian told me that he had left you because of me, I had to tell you the whole truth, Leila. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you. Please. Please, believe me. Hurting you kills me." I begged, falling down to my knees as I begged, not caring that it was pathetic. I loved Leila like a sister, I didn't want to hurt her or lose her._

" _You disgust me. You tell me that you lusted after my boyfriend from afar, you tell me that he did the same, and now you beg for forgiveness? I don't want to forgive you, I don't want to do anything with you. Hurting me kills you? Well, you killed me as soon as you fell in love with my boyfriend." She said, stepping away from me, an angry look on her face._

" _Get out." She said firmly, pointing to the door._

" _Get out."_

" _Get out of my room and get out of my life."_

" _Leila."_

" _Leila. Please."_

" _LEILA!"_

I wake up with a gasp, sitting up with my hand over my beating heart, the dream has left its scars in form of an aching headache. My cheeks are wet, I must have cried while I was sleeping, another thing I got used to since my personal Doomsday. In my dreams, I usually see different versions of my talk with Leila, sometimes she forgives me immediately, sometimes she beats the shit out of me, sometimes she hunts me down with an ax, and sometimes she tells me to get out of her life. Surprisingly, even the one with the ax doesn't scare me as much as the one where she tells me to fuck off.

In reality, things are a little different.

In reality, Leila didn't scream at me dramatically. In reality, Leila didn't tell me to fuck off. In reality, Leila didn't call me names. No, she didn't do any of these things, since her silence spoke volumes. She only asked me if I was sorry. _Yes, I said, I am sorry._

"Don't be. I don't want your sorry. I don't want anything from you."

She ignored me, pretended as if I didn't exist, pretended as if she wasn't hurt, but I could hear her cry every night. I cried with her, even if we weren't in the same room.

While Leila treated me with silence, I got the full volume of Katherine Kavanaugh. She was all over us as soon as we left Leila's room, asking multiple questions like a maniac. Apparently, she had eavesdropped – who could blame her – and had caught a little bit of what I had told Leila. She asked me if I was telling the truth, if I really had betrayed my best friend, not giving me the chance to explain myself. While Leila didn't listen to me, Kate didn't give me a chance to talk. Mostly, she blamed Christian for seducing me, telling me that I changed since he came to our lives, that I wasn't the same anymore. My sadness and my irritation made me flip out, I screamed at her, telling her that she was a bad friend if she thought I had changed in a bad way. Christian Grey only had opened my eyes as a friend, he had made me see how selfless I was, how I only gave and never took. After that, Kate called me a few names from which I am sure that they were mostly a result of Kate's in the moment type of person nature. I knew Kate well enough to know that she regretted the things she had said sooner than later, but she was also too proud to apologize.

Mia had followed her steps, not calling me names, but telling me that I had to choose between Christian and Leila, and my answer to that question better be Leila. I told her that I wasn't choosing anyone, there was nothing left to choose. Leila wanted me out of her life, I didn't want Christian in my life.

My chest tightens as I remember Leila's words, the memory too fresh just like my wounds. I remember the disappointment in her eyes, the ache in her voice, the sadness and the heartbreak. I remember all the things I never wanted to cause, but in the end, I did. The fact that I tried to protect her from this situation, makes everything worse. I failed. I failed being a good friend, I failed being Leila's best friend. I should have protected her from my own mistakes, I should have avoided Christian like the plague instead of trying to make Leila happy by becoming friends with him. I have been a fool for thinking that being so close to him would do any good, I have been a fool for thinking that I had enough self-control. Leila might have been sad because I was distant toward her boyfriend, but it was nothing in comparison to the sadness she felt now.

It is safe to say that she probably would have preferred us to be distant instead of this close.

But I never would have thought that Christian would fall in love with me. I still don't understand why he loves me, out of all people, but since he kinda risked everything to be with me, I am 100 percent sure that his feelings are nothing but true. Can I really blame myself for that, I think. I never did something to deliberately make him fall in love with me, did I? I had been too focused on my own messy feelings.

I survived a week of my personal hell, a week full of heavy discussions between me and Kate, a week full of silence between me and Leila, a week full of phone calls from Mia, whom I eventually told to concentrate on her honeymoon instead of my personal business, a week of Christian's puppy dog eyes haunting my mind. I took some time off from work, told my boss that I had lost someone – which was the truth – and that I needed the time with my family. I wouldn't have cared if he had fired me, to be honest. Quickly, I booked my flight and in the early hours of a Saturday morning, I was flying nearly 3000 miles away from where my heart beat and broke.

My parents were surprised when I called them from the airport. In a record worthy time, my father picked me up, finding me in a restaurant inside the airport just like I had found Leila a week ago: crying and devastated.

All week long, I had managed to keep my crying private, to think about others feelings and thoughts instead of my own, but as soon as I left Seattle and with it all the people I cared about, I was free of the burden to be the most pathetic, selfless person on earth. Finally, I had time to suffer for my own feelings, instead of suffering because Leila was sad.

I cried because I had hurt my friend, I cried because I had pushed away the love of my life, I cried because I had no one left. I was alone, completely alone, only my parents were with me. I knew that Christian would be at my side as soon as I called him, but at which price?

Mum and Dad helped me through the most painful days of my life, the days I cried the most, the days I wanted to be dead. It took me weeks to recover, even though I still have scars, I at least don't feel like dying anymore. I don't feel like living, either, but that's a problem for another day. Self-recovery is my new hobby, you could say.

I have told them about the recent events, I had to since they had seen me at my worst, and since then they are very supporting and understanding, although a little pissed at my so called friends.

"They didn't even bother to call." Mum likes to say with pursed lips and a frown. "Apparently, they are only Leila's friends."

"Carla." Dad likes to scold her when she hits the nail right on the head.

I couldn't blame her for thinking that way. That thought had crossed my mind, too.

"Ana? We are having dinner, honey." My mother knocks on my door softly, her voice bringing me back to the now. She is a welcomed distraction, I don't think I can survive another minute alone with my thoughts and memories. I wipe away my tears from my cheeks and get up from my bed, slipping into my comfy slippers – a small "Welcome home after you broke your best friend's heart and fell in love with the wrong guy" gift from Mum – and not bothering to switch into something else than my pajamas. They have been my uniform, smelling of my tears and my humiliation. I manage to put on some make-up, I don't want my parents to see that I have been crying again. With a frown, I look at the girl in the mirror, her blue eyes wide

Downstairs in the azure blue painted dining room, I find my parents sitting at the dining table with pizza boxes in front of them. The head of the table is empty, reserved for me, and my pizza box is waiting for me. We eat while doing small talk, my mother's eyes on my face often times. She obviously hasn't missed the fact that I have been crying, but wisely, she doesn't comment it. I don't feel like talking about my existential crisis right now, to be honest.

"The Horton's are hosting a brunch tomorrow." Mum says to my father, looking at me from the side of her eyes, though. "Carrie invited us."

"What are they celebrating?" Ray asks with an eye roll. He has made it very clear that Mr. Horton, the neighbor next door, isn't one of his favorite human beings. "Or are they out of reasons to be show offs?"

It's as mysterious and seldom as the Loch Ness Monster: Ray being sarcastic.

"Sweetheart, please." Mum says with pursed lips when I giggle at him. "They are our neighbors."

"I'm very much aware of that, honey. After all, they are the ones who threw their garbage over our fence." He refers to the one time, my parents found a suspicious looking bag of used napkins and empty beer bottles, which didn't belong to any of them. The prime suspects were the Horton's, who lived close enough to throw their garbage over our fence and with whom my father had an argument only a few days before the crime. Since then, my father doesn't like them anymore.

"Well, no matter what, we have to go to this brunch." Mum says, rolling her eyes at him as she takes a bite of a pizza slice.

"Carla, please." Ray nearly begs, looking at me for help. I shrug my shoulders, it's impossible to budge the infamous Carla Steele.

"It's time to forget and forgive, Ray. It's not like they committed a felony. Besides, it's a good reason to get Ana out of the house."

My pizza slice falls down to his brothers and sister inside the box.

"What?" I exclaim, only realizing know that this invitation also includes me. "No, Mum. I don't want to go."

It reminds me of the time in my youth where my mother dragged me everywhere with her. Back then, I had percentagewise not a high right of veto, but I am old enough now, I think.

"Oh yes, you want to. You are going to suffocate in this house, otherwise." Her tone is stern, I know well enough that this is her 'end of discussion' voice.

"But, Mum..." I whine, feeling more like a rebellious teenager than the grown up woman I am.

Even though, I tried to come up with a plausible excuse, nothing that I said persuaded my mother. She insisted on that I needed to get out of this house once in a while, I had spend enough time hiding in my room. Now, it was the time to go out and have fun, she had said.

Fun.

I don't think I will be able to have fun again.

At least not without feeling guilty.

But Carla Steele didn't take a no, she said, I should give it time, because time healed every wound. And time spent with other people healed wounds more effectively than hiding in your own room.

That's why, the next morning, I am dressed and painted punctually, ready to go over to the Horton's house with my father, who looks equally pissed as me, and my mother, who grins victoriously. The trip to next door takes us not even a minute, and Mrs. Carrie Horton greets us at the door. She is a tall, blonde woman with a mole on her cheek, from which I can't keep my eyes off, and a pink apron over her white Chanel dress. She leads us inside after she takes our jackets, her arms around me while she babbles about the catering service she has used. The living slash dining room is full of people, some of them I know because they are also neighbors, their plates already full, their Mimosas halfway empty. I gladly accept Mr. Horton's offer to bring me a glass, maybe Mimosas will numb my pain.

The food isn't too bad, Mrs. Horton was right to brag with it, I think as I get myself a plate full of cheese, tomatoes, strawberry jam and fresh croissants. I find a nice, quiet spot at the cushioned windowsill from where I have a great view at Mrs. Horton's garden. They even have a pool and one of these bars that can be accessed while you are swimming, I think with raised eyebrows.

When my mother notices that I am, once again, alone and not socializing like she wanted me to, she is immediately at my side with her hands at her hips and her lips pursed.

"Ana." She says softly, surprisingly not scolding.

"I'm eating food." I say, using the one and only excuse I have. She sits down beside me, her green dress reaching her knees pleating in the process.

"Don't hide from other people, sweetheart." She lectures me with a sad look. "I hate seeing you waste away."

"Mum, I'm fine." It's my go to answer whenever this topic comes up. It's also the only answer I have given Christian to his millions of questions, his emails always hard to read since they remind me of the things I have lost before I even had them.

"I wish, you really were." She leans forward to kiss my forehead gently, afterward wiping away her lipstick's remains off my skin with her hand.

"I try to be. Isn't that enough?" I mumble, placing my plate beside us on the windowsill. My heart aches, its broken pieces cutting my skin and my guts, I take a deep breath to soothe the pain.

"For now. But someday, you will have to face them." She stresses the last word, obviously talking about anyone I left behind in Seattle. I don't feel brave enough to face them yet, I still need time.

"Enough of the serious talk." Mum says as she gets up, taking me by my hand. "I want to introduce you to a few people."

I let her drag me toward the busy table where she leads me to an empty chair beside my dad, who is talking to a young man with a beard and a weird suit. Maroon isn't really his color, I think as I sit down. Ray introduces me to him, apparently he is the son of the Horton's, Robert, who insists that I call him Bob. He has a start-up company in New York and comes to visit his parents a couple of times a year. When he hears that I am from Seattle – although, I am not sure if you could still say that I am from Seattle, since I haven't been there in a month -, he tells me that he went to college in Tacoma. He is all over me, a little too enthusiastically, you might as well say that he is flirting with me, to my utter astonishment. Thank God, Ray sits between us, so I can use him as my personal shield.

Just when I debate to go find my mother, maybe her conversation with the ladies of our neighborhood is far more interesting than Bob's desperate tries to flirt with me, a short, balding man tips on my father's shoulder.

"Ray, there is someone at the door for you." He says politely, my father thanks him. Before he can get up, I jump out of my seat, offering to go check for him.

"You don't have to interrupt your conversation, Dad." I say with a pointed look. Ray is sensible enough to understand that I am asking for a way out.

"Sure. Thanks, Annie." He says with a nod and turns to a displeased looking Bob. On my way out, I fetch my purse and my jacket since I don't plan to return – Sorry, Mum – and I slip quickly into it, my red, flowery dress probably not enough to keep me warm, even though the way home is short.

Even though I would have preferred staying home, I can't stop thinking that this quick brunch really distracted from the obvious problems. Maybe my mother is right, after all. Maybe I really need to spend time away from my own four walls surrounding me.

Maybe I need to rip my walls down.

I can't run away from issues forever, I am not ready to face them yet, either, but I can start by taking small steps toward my future.

For the first time in a really long time, a grin curls my face out of nowhere, the ecstasy like feeling of happiness spreading in my chest. I feel like I have magically got every happy feeling back. Maybe there is hope for me, I think as I open the door leading out of the Horton's house.

At first, my eyes don't recognize the man standing in front of me, maybe it's because we haven't seen each other in really long time, maybe it's because I have been trying to forget him, maybe it's because my mind doesn't comprehend that he really is standing in front of me. The grin on my face vanishes, the happy feelings gone, the only thing left is my earlier mess as I stare into his gray, widen eyes.

No.

No.

It can't be.

Not now. Not like this.

"Christian." I whisper in shock, my limbs feeling like they are tied, my throat dry, my hands shaking.

"Ana." He says softly, slowly reaching toward my hands with his own. I am too shocked to move, so I let him take my hands in his. He brings them up to his face, pressing his cheek against my palm, kissing it from time to time. I get goosebumps all over my body as our skins touch, my heart flutters, its broken pieces trying to keep up with the rhythm, but failing miserably. In the end, it hurts me more than I can bare, but it also feels too good to make him stop. I endure the pain and welcome it for a few seconds, granting myself these peaceful seconds. I deserve them after everything I went through.

"Why?" I ask, one simple word enough to ask him all the questions I have for him. He smiles into my palm, gently kissing it again before looking up at me. His gray eyes are intense, overwhelming even, I look away.

"For you." He says, giving me the answer to all of my questions with just two words. I feel like everything Christian has done in the past month has been for me.

He is here. For me.

"But.." I whisper, finding no words.

"For us." He says this time, suddenly hugging me tightly. He repeats his words like a mantra, whispering them into my ear over and over again. Tears stream down my face, I can't tell if I am sad or happy, to be honest. I feel like I should be sad, because that's what the right thing is, but I have given up on doing the right thing. I want to be happy when he hugs me, I want to feel loved and safe, I don't want to feel guilty.

"Christian, there is no 'us'." I say, not wanting to hurt him, but it's the truth for now. He freezes in my arms, I try to calm him by throwing my arms around his neck, standing on my toes since he is taller than me.

"Yet." I say, sounding out of breath. Hope spreads in me like a warm web of sensations, my heart beat faster now, just like his. I think, he feels the same thing like me, he is hopeful like me. We are two stupid souls hoping for something that we don't deserve. We are two stupid souls trying to build a future together over the broken heart of my best friend and his girlfriend. I scold myself internally. Wasn't that the type of thinking, I tried to stop myself from? I always had put the guilt I felt over my own happiness. What good had it done?

In the end, everyone still got hurt.

And for once, I should think about my own feelings because that was the only healthy way.

I had thought about others for too long now, and in the end, people still blamed me.

"You mean, there is a later for us?" Christian asks me out of breath, the smile on his face audible.

"I don't know." I manage to say, too busy with taking his smell in. He smells of everything I always wanted, of everything I denied myself. He smells like love.

"We will find out together, right?" He asks, his hands on my back making my skin tingle. I nod against his chest, the soft fabric of his white t-shirt brushing my cheek, closing my eyes in peace.

Our little bubble is destroyed when we hear footsteps nearing. Immediately, I let go off Christian and turn around to face a very confused looking Bob. Now I also get to see that he is wearing orange socks, his suit pants short enough to let me see them. He has a weird color sense, to be honest.

"Ana? Your dad was worried. Are you alright?" He asks me with concern visible on his face, his eyes wandering over Christian, whom I feel tense behind me. I feel how he places his hands on my hips, my eyes must have widened because Bob looks at me obviously irritated.

"Yes, Bob. I'm fine. Can you tell my father that I am going home?" I ask him politely, feeling nervous because of Christian's surprisingly possessive touch.

Bob frowns, looking unsure while his eyes go back and forth between me and Christian. Then, finally, he nods and closes the door after him. Fuck. He will probably tell my father that I wasn't alone. My parents won't make it possible for us to talk, I think. We need to talk without my nosy Mum and my skeptical Dad around.

"Who was that?" Christian asks me with pursed lips when I turn toward him.

"That's Bob." I say, not wanting to elaborate since there is practically nothing to tell. We have more important stuff to talk about.

"Who is Bob?" He keeps on pushing, making me roll my eyes at him. We have no time for a pissing contest now.

"The neighbor's kid. We have to go." I say, reaching for his hand as I think about the places we actually can go to talk. My knowledge about the area is limited, but I eventually decide on a park near by. It has benches to sit on.

"Is there a particular reason, the neighbor's kid was so concerned about you?" He asks as he follows me, his hand squeezing mine gently. I have to confess that I very much like him being jealous. It makes me blush.

"I have no idea. We just met today." I explain to him, walking down the street.

"Well, I don't like him." He mutters, making me giggle.

"Neither do I. Come on, I know a spot for us."

It feels weird walking hand in hand with him, it's new, it's unexpected, but in the end, it feels good. I deserve it. The small park slash playground is only a few streets down, we reach it soon enough. I lead Christian to a spot beside the fountain where we sit down on a bench, hugging again as soon as we are seated.

"Hi." He says with a goofy grin, making me laugh.

"Hi." I grin back at him.

"You look breathtaking." He compliments me, my blush now spreading toward my neck.

"Thanks. You too." I say back, looking at his muscular arms visible thanks to the short sleeves of his t-shirt.

"Not as much as you." He says, pressing me against his chest, his arms around me.

"Are we really discussing who looks more breathtaking?" I ask, making his shoulders shake with silent laughter.

"I like talking about you. We can keep talking about your beauty, I have no problem with that."

I pinch his stomach softly, he winces playfully.

"You can be mean. I have to be careful from now on. Prevent future injuries and such." He notes, kissing the top of my head. I don't think I have ever been happier before.

"That shouldn't hurt. Stop exaggerating."

"You can't know that. My pain tolerance is different than yours." Christian says, making me snort.

"Trust me. I have a very high pain tolerance. The last few months have proven that." It's intended as a joke, but Christian doesn't see the humor in it.

"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you." His tone is serious, his hug tightening. I let go off him to look at him in shock.

"You never hurt me, Christian." I say, trying to sound as convincing as possible. "I hurt myself, mostly."

"If I hadn't..." He begins, but I cut him off, staring into his from pain twisted face.

"If you hadn't what? What could you have possibly done to make this easier? Nothing. Nothing you could have done or you could have said, would make our situation less messier. You couldn't have broken Leila's heart more gently. You couldn't have done it earlier, the time makes no difference. You couldn't have kept living like that." I exclaim loudly.

"No, Ana. You don't understand. If I had seen my real feelings like you did on the first night we met, we wouldn't be sitting here, Leila's heart wouldn't be broken." He says sadly, shaking his head. "If I only had opened my damned eyes earlier, then we wouldn't have to go through this mess."

"You can't know that. You can't know what would have happened if you and I began dating. Maybe we wouldn't love each other this much. Maybe we would love each other even more. I don't know and I don't want to know. You know why? Even though we hurt Leila, even though we tortured ourselves, even though the rest of the world hates us, I love you. I don't think I could love you more, because it surely must be impossible to love someone more than I love you. I don't think I could love you less, because even if only a tidbit of my love for you vanished, I would die."

It's all of my feelings put in words, every sadness that lead to here and now, every happiness I haven't granted myself, every happiness I have watched from afar, it's here and now. It's love.

"I love you, too, Ana. So much. You have no idea how much. I was so nervous, I thought you would fight against this, but here you are, declaring your love. You have no idea how happy that makes me." He beams down at me, going on before I can interrupt him.

"I went to Leila before I came here." He says, making me gasp.

"What? Why?" Does he want her back? Does he love her? Did he came to tell me that he doesn't want me anymore?

"To get her blessing. I was so desperate, since you didn't answer my calls and barely answered my emails, I needed to do something. I knew, you thought Leila was standing between us, I knew you would think like that, so I went to her and begged her for forgiveness and asked her to give us her blessing, as selfish as it sounds. I know we hurt her, but Leila is over it, she said so. We can be together, Ana." His optimistic smile is sweet.

"I know that we need to be respectful, that we need to keep things slow even, because that's what Leila deserves, that's what we owe her. But I would love to wait with you. I would wait with you until the end of time." I say as optimistic as him, feeling like a Molotov cocktail of emotions, overwhelming myself with my love for him. I had always dreamed about the big love in my favorite books, like Elizabeth's love for Darcy, I had always wondered if I would ever experience something like that. I never did.

I experience something entirely different with Christian.

And I love it the way it is. I don't want to dream about scenarios from books, I want to have my own scenarios with Christian.

"Ana." He lets out, suddenly taking my face between his face, pressing his lips against mine.

This time, I don't freeze.

I enjoy it.

I throw my arms around his neck, his hands now at my sides, his lips moving slowly, sensually on mine, no rushing, nothing hasty, just patient love. It's the best kiss I ever got, not because mine or his kissing abilities are out of this world – well, his are, mine not so much -, no, it's because it's a kiss of love. He kisses me over and over again, when we need to take breaths, he kisses the side of my mouth, slowly upwards to my cheeks, once my forehead and then my lips again, this time our tongues dancing, circling.

Yes, I had broken Leila's heart, yes, I had fallen in love with her boyfriend. But I never had tried to take him away from her, I had tried to stay away, I had pushed my feelings down which lead to a few confused discussions between us, but I never had allowed myself to dream about this exact moment. I had forbidden myself the one and only thing I wanted: my happiness.

I am done with being unhappy, I am done being too selfless, I am done being without Christian.

I want my life back, I want a new life, and I will take it.

"Christian." I whisper against his lips, trying to tell him something, but he enjoys kissing me too much to let go.

"Christian." I mumble, his lips silencing me. I could get used to this.

I push my hands against his chest, he immediately stops kissing me, looking concerned.

"Did I do something wrong?" He asks, feeling obviously guilty.

"No, you didn't. God, no." I laugh, his kisses never can be wrong in my opinion.

"What is it then?" He looks at me curiously.

"Christian, I want to go home. I want to go back to Seattle."

I am ready for this.

* * *

 **Guess who did post a fake teaser on FB last week just to mess up with some of my readers? :D Yep, me.**

 **Sorry. Not sorry.**

 **Next time, Leila POV since she deserves to talk at least once.**

 **Ciao,**

 **Melii xo**

 **P.S.: Who wants to be kissed by Christian on a park bench?**


	23. Chapter 23

**Boo.**

 **Thanks for the love, the reviews and the patience. How long has it been? A month? Two months? Too long? Well, it's here now, so enjoy it while you can ;)**

 **NOT BETAED!**

* * *

 **23\. Love**

 **Leila POV**

"Et voilà."

Franco swings the swivel chair I am sitting on around, making me face the mirror in front of me. When I take a look of myself, I gasp out loud.

"I know, I know. It's fabulous, isn't it?" He asks me with a big smile on his painted lips, tugging at my soft, freshly cut and died hair, appreciating his own work. While he can't stop swooning, I look at myself with a horrified expression.

The first thought that comes to my mind is, that I look like a firetruck. A tomato. A crab. A strawberry. It looks like a fire tornado is sitting on my head, my brown hair now a strong red color from the ends to my bangs. This is not what I had asked for. I had wanted to add some red highlights, thinking that it would help me get rid of my otherwise boring brown hair. It is well known that women like to drown their heartbreak at a hair salon, preferably somewhere they can close their eyes and change every aspect of their appearance since they want to forget their exes and every compliment they had given about the color of their hair. Christian had liked my brown hair a lot, making me think that it was about my personal shade, but apparently, he just liked brown hair, no matter on whose head. In order to forget him and his sweet words, I had decided to try some highlights which's color perfectly describe my feelings about him – an angry shade of red -, but my idea about highlights and what Franco understood were two different things.

"It's… different." I let out, twirling a strand of my hair between my fingers as I look at the mirror with a confused look. I honestly don't know what to call it beside 'different'.

"It's splendid. You look like a fire goddess." He claps his hands, looking at my hair with a loving look. If we were in a comic book, he would have heart shaped eyes now.

"Hopefully, I won't put anyone on fire." I joke. He rolls his eyes at me, his hands at his hips as he looks at me with pursed lips.

"I don't like your tone, young lady. I feel like you don't respect my art." With a raised chin, he starts massages his temples. "Here I am, trying my very best to fulfill your wishes, but all I get is a smart ass remark. What have I done to deserve this?"

Meet Franco Matis aka drama queen extraordinaire. He knows well how to make you feel guilty with his dramatic speeches and his whole behavior. And he is one of Seattle's best hairstylists, even though he dyed my hair dark red while I had wanted highlights only.

"I'm not disrespecting your art, F. I was just trying to be funny." I say with a sorry shrug, looking at my bangs on the mirror. I brush with my fingers over them, trying to get used to this new style, but it's exactly what I had wanted.

Something new.

Something that didn't remind me of the various times, drunken dudes at bars had thought of me as Ana's sister since we had the same hair color.

Something that didn't remind me of the times, Christian had complimented my hair, telling me that it reminded him of a bitter chocolate strudel.

Something that would make someone new out of me.

I want to get rid of the old me, the one whose heart was broken by her best friend and her boyfriend, and I want to create a new me, someone who can heal my injuries and help me get up from the pit of hell I have fallen into. Maybe this red haired new me could be helpful, she definitively looked fierce as fuck.

"Don't make jokes about your fabulous hair." Franco warns me, snapping his fingers as he gestures to me to get up from my chair. "My next customer is waiting. _Allez, allez_!"

I roll my eyes at his fake french accent and wish him a good day before I go to pay. A black haired girl chitchats while she takes my money, telling me that I look absolutely breathtaking with my new hair, even though I can see the humor in her eyes. I am not shocked that she lies to my face, she gets paid to do so, after all. I thank her for her compliments and wish her a good day. This time, I am the one lying.

When I leave the salon, I welcome the new me with open arms.

This is it, I think to myself. This is a goodbye to old, brunette Leila.

Like every brokenhearted woman, I think that something stupid as a hair color will make me help to get over what has happened to me, but I can't forbid myself a little bit of optimism, since it is my last chance to work for my own future. The last few months have been difficult, my life was turned upside down over one night, literally leaving me somewhere I never dreamed I would be: alone in an airport with a dramatic crying fit. Whenever I close my eyes, I still can see Christian's widen eyes as he told me that he didn't love me anymore, that his heart belonged to another woman and that he couldn't pretend to be my boyfriend, not while his whole being ached for her. The realization that I was being dumped right before we were going on a romantic trip, which he had planned ironically, had hit me with the force of a truck. Desperate, frustrated and irritated I had fallen to my knees right there and then, while he walked away from me without looking back, making me wonder how easy it was for him to leave me like that. Even though my logic tried to tell me that there must be something seriously wrong with him if he couldn't even show some empathy for me, my heart shattered into a million pieces because the love of my life was leaving me.

The heart isn't about logic, it doesn't think about what is right and wrong, it doesn't care about consequences and it certainly doesn't give a fuck about honor and pride. Fuck all of these things, it only wants what it wants.

I had wanted Christian, while he had wanted Ana.

And Ana had wanted to save me from this heartbreak.

Well, she failed, pretty badly, but I had stopped blaming her a long time ago. Of course, when I had found that she was the reason for Christian's breakup, my first reaction had been anger. Just like I said, the heart wasn't logical, so I had blamed her whole existence, I had cursed the day I had met her because in my constrained opinion, I had blamed her for keeping her feelings a secret from, as if it was so easy to tell your best friend that you had feelings for her new boyfriend. What good would have it done, let's be honest. I don't think I would have reacted maturely, even if she had been honest with me. Okay, if she had told me that she had found him attractive the very first night we met him, then I probably never would have dated him, he never would have broken my heart, my friendship with Ana never would have ended and my hair wouldn't be red.

I can blame her for my new hair color. I snort at that thought.

It had taken some time, but eventually, I had found my humor again. Heartbreaks aren't really comedy material, but I have found a way to joke my way through it. I know if Ana could hear me right now, she would roll her pretty, blue eyes at me, telling me that I am a huge dork.

I miss her, I miss my best friend, but I know that we never will be the same again, no matter how hard we try. I am just happy that I have stopped hating her, I want her to be a happy memory, someone I can think about when I am old and gray, sitting on a porch with my grandchildren around me and a new hip since my old one conked out eventually. I have said my farewells to Ana, maybe not face to face, but in my heart, I have decided that I forgive her and that I want her happiness, even if it's with the man I used to love.

Christian Grey is no longer a part of my life, he is a long gone memory, faded in my mind, but still in my heart. While my mind has said goodbye to him, my heart still flutters whenever I think about him, whenever I remember our time together, whenever I see someone resembling him. I am working on making these feelings stop, but I fear that they will take some time. It's okay, I have patience and lots of time. Will I ever forgive him for what he has done? No, I don't think so. I don't think I will ever forget what he has done to me, I understand and respect his feelings for Ana, but I don't understand or respect his actions. He shouldn't have broke up with me like that, he shouldn't have made me hopeful for more with that stupid trip to New York, he shouldn't have pretended to be in love with me for that long. I can understand that it isn't easy to tell your girlfriend that you love her best friend, but that doesn't change the fact that he had been a real dick, a coward even. He hadn't given me the chance to talk, he had just left me right there and then, an act done out of frustration, and not the maturity I deserved.

He had broken me twice, once at the airport where he had ended our relationship, and another time when he showed up at my door to ask me for my blessing. He had told me all the things I hadn't want to hear back then, he had told me about his love for her, how selfless she was by pushing away because she feared that it would be disrespectful to date him while I was still crying after him. I had hated everything about him right there and then, I had hated his love for her, I had hated him for not loving me, I had hated him for being the kind of guy, Ana deserved. Even though he had broken my heart – over and over again -, even though I had longed for him, I had been in awe with the way he loved Ana.

Christian was ready to be the villain in this story, if it meant that she would be his princess.

That moment had been enough for me too understand that there was no way back. Christian and I were officially done, our farewells were spoken, and I stopped hating him. I just hoped that I would stop loving him, too.

As I make my way to my car, my phone rings, announcing a new phone call and interrupting my thoughts. I welcome the distraction, I don't want to think about Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, not while I have a new hair color in order to stop thinking about them.

Mia is calling.

"I want everyone at our place tonight." She says without saying hello as I pick up. I frown at her words, asking her what is it about.

"It's an intervention." She answers matter-of-factly.

"For who?" I ask curiously as I open the door of my car and slip in. I take a look of my new hair color in the rear-view-mirror, smirking at myself when I think about my friends' reactions to my change of style. I am sure that I am going to hear a few remarks about it.

"Kate. She is out of her mind." Mia lets out with a frustrated groan. "She says that she wants to break up with Elliott because he is hanging out with _you-know-who_ and his sidekick."

Oh.

For those who haven't understand, _you-know-who_ is Christian's new nickname and his sidekick is nobody else than Ana.

"Wait. Why?" I ask confusedly, not understanding where this is going.

"I don't know why. She just dropped this bomb on me without giving me further explanation. That's a dumb decision. Why end your perfectly good relationship because of these two?" Mia fumes. I know that Kate's relationship with Elliott hasn't been perfectly good for a while now, all because Elliott's brother has dumped me and he has taken his side, understandably. But Mia just likes to blame Christian, whenever humanly possible. He sure has lost my friends' respect for him when he did what he did. While Kate and Mia had made their anger and frustration with him very loudly clear, Luke and Ethan had kept their calms, even though they were no fan of his anymore.

"We have to respect her decision, Mia. Maybe there is something else going on, maybe this isn't just about _you-know-who_ and his sidekick." I suggest with a shrug. Kate would never break up with her man for other people.

"Well, that's all Kate has told me. Maybe we can find out more tonight."

It's on the tip of my tongue to ask her why she loves interfering so much, but I don't bother to do so, since it could turn into a fight and I don't want to leave Kate alone with her tonight. She might talk her into things, Kate doesn't want to do and I need to prevent that.

"Fine. But it's just talking, not an intervention, okay? We won't interfere." I say sternly, hearing her sigh.

"Okay. I have to go now. See you later."

"Yeah. Bye."

Sometimes I wonder why we are still friends with Mia. Maybe it's because she is Ethan's wife, maybe it's because there are times she is actually pretty cool to hang out with. But often times, she chews on my nerves with her curiosity and her dominant persona. I didn't like how she treated Ana in the end, she had simply told her what to do, without asking her what she was feeling. Okay, back then, I hadn't given a fuck about Ana's feelings, but I had never asked any of my friends to cut her off. They were her friends, too, I would have respected their decisions if they had wanted to be on her side.

In the end, I had wondered if Ana had any friends left, now that I was gone, too. I hoped she found good people, she deserved. And yes, I also hoped that Christian was by her side, because she needed him to build a new life, one in which I no longer was a part of. No matter how much I missed her, no matter if I had forgiven her, we never could be friends again, not while she was with Christian. I don't think I can look into her face without remembering the events of the last few months. I may have forgiven her, but I don't think I will ever forget.

I shake my head, the sadness once again creeping its way into me, and start my car's engine to drive home. I want to clean up my wardrobe, throw away the old things and replace them with new once soon enough, but mostly, I want to throw away every outfit I have ever worn with Christian by my side. It's a shame that most of my favorites have to go, but it's a price I am willing to take.

This is a fresh start, after all.

* * *

"Whoa!" Ethan lets out with widen eyes when he opens the door.

"I know. My hair is red." I say, rolling my eyes at his shocked expression.

"It looks… good." He is obviously lying, but God bless his soul, he is trying to give me an encouraging smile. I thank him with a sigh, before I slip out of my jacket when I enter their apartment. A hallway with green walls greets me, leading to an azure blue painted living and dining room area with black and white furniture and a dramatic, Victorian chandelier hanging over the dining table with fourteen chairs.

"Hey, guys." I call out as Ethan and I make our way to the living room, where Mia, Kate, Luke and Andrea are seated around the coffee table. Mia has prepared some sandwiches and brewed tea, they are happily eating their food when they notice me.

"What the hell?" Mia lets out, her cheese sandwich falling to her plate before she gets up to walk toward me. Her lips part as she looks at me, taking everything in from my hair to my outfit.

"Your hair. Your outfit." She exclaimed, a shy expression spreading on her face as she bites her lip. "You look.. good."

Oh boy.

It's obvious that they don't want to hurt me, they want to protect me from harsh words as if I am a fragile, little thing. Okay, the man of my dreams broke my heart, but for God's sake, people, tell me that I look hideous. I won't cry if you do. After all, I have managed to leave the house looking like this, your words are nothing in comparison. Since I had to say goodbye to all of my outfits, Christian had seen me in, my wardrobe's content was now pretty thin. Why did I have to wear the prettiest clothes around me, I can't stop scold myself internally. Now, my options for tonight were limited to an old pair of khaki colored jeans, a too big, red t-shirt from GAP and black sneakers underneath. I didn't even bother to put on some make-up, thinking that my outfit looked too old school to be saved by make-up. It might look like I am exaggerating, but trust me, those jeans don't look any good on me, they are too lose.

"Thanks." I say with a too sweet smile, totally making fun of their desperation. I might test their limits some more, see if they can keep their masks forever. Interesting thought, it looks like I am going to have lots of fun in the near future.

"I will get you some tea, Leila." Ethan says. I thank him with a smile as I take a seat beside Kate who looks at me from the corner of her eye, before she reaches over to fumble with my hair.

"Who dyed it?" She asks with an arched eyebrow, obviously doubting the quality of it. It is a miracle that she isn't openly telling me that I look like somebody dipped my hair in henna, it is not typical for Kate to keep her calm.

"Franco." I tell her as I reach for one of the ham sandwiches, taking a bite of it. Before my breakup with Christian, I had forbidden myself to eat anything after 6pm, especially bread, but since I am single and I don't have anybody to look good for now, I am allowed to eat as much as I want for at least another month.

"Really? Franco has done a great work." Kate says with a wide smile, it doesn't reach her eyes, though. I ignore it and concentrate on my food, feeling their concerned looks on me.

"How are you, guys?" I ask them finally, getting a loud answer immediately. Everybody is fine, they want to know how I am, and at this point, their expression becomes sad, making me roll my eyes. They have been treating me with gentle care since February, which I am thankful for, but honestly, it gets tiring.

"Well, I had a little change of style, obviously. And after that, I cleared out my wardrobe." I tell them nonchalanty, seeing how Kate and Mia threw each other a worried look from the corner of my eye.

"You won't need the extra room in my wardrobe then?" Luke asks me with a gleeful look. After Ana went to her parents and after Christian had asked me for my blessing, I had decided to move out of our apartment together and Luke had been nice enough to welcome me in his extra bedroom, even though it had a small wardrobe. I had packed all my stuff in a day, leaving only one thing for Ana: a Polaroid picture of me, her and Christian, taken the day of Mia's birthday. I think it spoke volumes.

"No, I will take my clothes out of your wardrobe tomorrow. Don't worry." I answer him with an eye roll, giving a sorry look to Andrea afterward. "I'm sorry for occupying the extra space."

"It's okay, Leila. No problem." She brushes it off with a friendly smile, being the cool chick we have gotten to know. She and Luke are sickeningly happy together and I know that they are planning to move in together, but I was kinda in their way until now. That won't be a problem anymore, though. I am working on something.

"But won't you buy new stuff to replace the old ones?" Mia asks just as Ethan returns with my cup of tea. I hold the warm cup in my hands, blowing softly against the dark liquid. Luke gives her an annoyed look, making me giggle.

"Maybe. Maybe not. I haven't decided yet." I shrug, thinking that it will be easier to move out without a bunch of new things.

"We could have a shopping day together." Kate suggests, looking hopefully at us. "Shred away the old stuff and buy new stuff. Who is in?"

"I'm in." Andrea chimes in, earning a thankful look from Kate. Mia and I exchange a look, knowing her too well. It's her way to prepare for a break-up, she will shred away more than just her clothes.

"Is it a really good idea to get rid of old stuff?" Mia asks with a long, meaningful look. Kate frowns at her sister in law.

"If it is out of fashion, yes. Besides, Leila already got rid of hers." She says with an arched brow, looking at me for approval. I just shrug.

"Well, Leila has just broken up with her boyfriend. She is allowed to get rid of stuff." Mia snaps, before giving me an apologetic look. "Sorry, Leila. I didn't want to.."

I shake my head and interrupt her. The truth doesn't hurt me anymore, I am used to it.

"No problem. You only told what everybody already knew. Leila was dumped by her boyfriend for her best friend." I joke before I take a bite of my sandwich. I feel my friends staring at me with a nervous look, before they laugh pathetically, once again trying to be nice and gentle.

"Maybe I will break-up with my boyfriend, too." Kate says after a few embarrassing seconds. Mia groans at her words, shaking her head so that her black bob swings around her head.

"For what possible reason?" She asks, not giving the chance for others to talk. Luke, Ethan, Andrea and I watch their conversation with the sad knowledge that this isn't going to end well. Kate versus Mia never ends well.

"I just don't think we are meant to have a future together." Kate says, her tone sad. I wonder what she had thought to come to this conclusion. Mia had said that this was because of Elliott's relationship to Ana and Christian, but I know Kate well enough to know that she would never break-up because of someone else.

"Why, Kate?" I ask softly, a concerned expression on my face. She sighs before she answers begrudgingly, her blonde hair like a curtain around her face protecting her from our curious and worried looks.

"Elliott and I have some issues."

"What kind of issues? Legal stuff? Do you need us to get rid of a body? I have a shovel." Luke asks with a humorous tone, even though he looks worried. Kate rolls her eyes.

"Nothing legal, thank God. It's just..." She bites her lips, her eyes wandering to me. "He and I are still fighting over Leila and _you-know-who_."

Mia had mentioned that, so I am not giving her the shocked reaction she seems to have expected. Her face visible relaxes when I keep my calm.

"There is nothing left to fight for, Kate." I whisper, my heart skipping a beat as the sad realization hits me, but I ignore it like a pro.

"I know, but we can't forget our different opinions about that topic and the things we have said. We said some nasty stuff back then."

It breaks my heart – as if it isn't broken enough – to see that someone else is suffering because of my misery. I had never wanted them to fight because of us.

See what you have done, Christian Grey? As if it isn't worse enough that you broke my heart, you also managed to fuck up my friend's life. Shame on you.

"It's okay to have different opinions in a relationship. Do you think Luke and I always have the same opinion? I'm sure if you both apologize for the nasty stuff, then you could talk properly." Andrea says encouragingly, a sweet smile curling her lips. She is always rather optimistic, trying to cheer everyone up.

"Well, normally that would have worked, but since we are arguing about his brother, things are a little more difficult. Elliott can't forgive me for the names I have called him and he also blames me for… leaving Ana alone." Kate mumbles, while Mia huffs angrily.

"She didn't seem to be very alone with Christian by her side." She says as her face reddens. "Why should you be on her side? She is the one who betrayed her best friend."

Yep. She kinda did.

"Elliott thinks that she didn't mean any harm, neither did Christian." She stutters their names as she looks nervously at me, obviously checking my reaction. I have none to give.

"And he thinks that we should have given her a chance to explain herself." She adds as we watch her silently, her eyes teary. I place my plate and my cup onto the coffee table, sighing as I lean back with crossed arms. Luke, who is sitting beside me, touches my arm tenderly, his eyes asking if I am okay. I don't think I will ever be okay again, but I smile encouragingly at him.

"She had her chance to explain herself for six months. She should have explained herself then." Mia hisses hatefully, making me raise my eyebrows.

That kind of reactions should be coming from me, but I don't remember being as hateful as her, even though Ana and Christian broke my heart. Once again, I am questioning Mia's attitude and our friendship. Not even half a year ago, she was super sweet to Ana, always talking about her with best words, but now, she is talking about her as if she is our mortal enemy number one. I mean, she can be pissed at Ana, she can think that Ana misbehaved or broke some ridiculous girl code, but is it really worth it to talk trash behind her back? She never missed an opportunity to call Ana names, to gossip about her, leaving my mind full of questions about her personality. Did Ana really deserve all this?

More importantly, what does it tell us about what kind of person, Mia is? I frown at that thought. Maybe we have been befriending a wolf in sheep's clothing for a while now.

"We were her friends, too. We should have supported her, too. It wasn't easy for her, either." Kate says with a pout, before adding something in a whispered tone. "That's what Elliott says."

Oh.

I realize that this might be Kate's honest thoughts, too, but she is probably too sensitive to say it since she fears that it will hurt me. I wouldn't have a problem with that, I have always wondered why nobody had that same thought, to be honest. I mean, I had at least expected Kate or Mia to be curious enough to go interrogate her, but nada. Maybe Ana had just escaped a circle of neglectful, bad friends. That thought makes me frown.

Have I been a bad friend to Ana?

I question myself and all of my past decisions before our break-up – you could call the end of our friendship a break-up, even a divorce since we had lived together like a married couple minus the sex -, wondering if I had ever mistreated her or put my needs over hers. Ana is a very selfless person, I am aware of that, so it's easy to forget her needs and thoughts if she doesn't speak them out even if you ask her about them. She was always like 'no, it's okay', 'it's not important' or 'I am up for anything, really', never bothering to get her own way and always leaving you to decide. I wasn't blind, I had seen that she always put others first, but I had never made use of it, I never had sponged on her. In fact, the first few years of our friendship, I had tried to break her shell many times, hoping that she would give up her ridiculous selflessness and fight for what she wanted, but Ana had been infuriatingly stubborn to finally let go of her ridiculous standards to be the good, little two shoes.

With time, life had taken over and a steady habit had taken place of my mission to break Ana's shell. I had gotten used to her behavior, I had stopped questioning it.

Maybe that had been my greatest mistake.

Maybe if I hadn't stopped talking sense into her, maybe if I hadn't gone with the flow, maybe if I had helped her to get past her selflessness, maybe if I really had put more effort into it, then maybe I never would have dated Christian, because she would have the guts to tell me that she was interested in him, then maybe they never would have broken my heart.

Maybe.

Maybe

Maybe.

My head is full of maybe's.

Maybe I really had been a bad friend. Maybe Ana deserved more than our little, toxic group. Maybe it was a good thing that she got out, she was now free of it.

Maybe I need to get away, too.

Do I really want to be friends with people who have been bad friends to my best friend? Who knows if they won't be treating me like her eventually?

I look at Kate's sad face and see the struggle in her. It's the same one as mine, she is questioning herself and her mistakes. Even though she has a bitchy side, I know that she is a good friend because – unlike Mia – she regrets her decisions. She just needs to hear the right words to correct her mistakes.

"Kate." I say carefully. "Do you share Elliott's opinion?"

Mia snaps at my words, her cheeks flushing in an angry shade of red. It's a small wonder that she is sitting in her seat, I would have guessed she would walk up and down while she hauled Kate over the coals.

"Of course, she doesn't. That's ridiculous. Elliott is only defending his poor excuse of a brother like a loyal puppy." Mia fumes as she says these words. I see how Ethan looks at her with a frown, his mouth a thin line. I wonder what he is thinking about his wife's extreme reactions, he had tried to control when things were fresh between me, Ana and Christian, telling everyone to mind their own business instead of interfering with our complicated love life. I know he meant well, but forbidding everyone to help and support us wouldn't have done any good, just like overly nosiness had done. There is a fine line between being a completely disinterested friend and an excessively interested one, and Ethan seemed to have chosen the former option while his wife was the latter. It is a miracle how these two different people can be in love.

"Listen, Kate." Mia goes on. "Ana has betrayed Leila, she has selfishly taken away her boyfriend and didn't bother to stop him from leaving her best friend. She made a use of this situation since she had lusted after him. Remember how heartbroken Leila was? Remember how much she has cried? Don't let Elliott fool you."

"But how do you know that Ana has made a use of that situation? We haven't talked to her, we can't know what she is thinking." Kate whined, tears now streaming down her face. "Yes, I do think that we have been a bad friend to Ana and I'm sorry for that, Leila, but we should have supported her as much as we supported you. We shouldn't have chosen sides."

"There were no sides to be chosen. We had to be there for our friend who was devastated because Ana and Christian broke her heart." Mia's voice got louder. "Am I the only one who thinks that Ana is guilty? She should have said something about her feelings for Christian a long time ago and not on the very last minute. Do you know where she is right now, Leila? She is with Christian back in Seattle, she is with him after all the crap she has done. If she really is the good person she claims to be, if she really is the good person you all think she is, then at least she shouldn't have started dating him. It only shows that she gives a crap about your feelings. She has no issues being with him while you are still heartbroken."

Mia's harsh words leave a scar in our group, her fury numbs us for a few second. I look at the faces of my friends, trying to understand their reactions. Kate is still crying silently, biting her thumb's fingernail. Luke and Andrea are looking at each other, her eyebrow ached and his mouth curled into a pout. Mia's nostrils are wide as she takes deep breaths, trying to calm down. I see how she reaches for Ethan's hand, but he brushes her off, his expression bland.

And lastly, I try to understand my own reaction at her words.

What is this feeling in my chest? Why do I feel like somebody is trying to cut my flesh open, revealing my beating heart and trying to squeeze it until I die? Is this me feeling protective over Ana, over the girl that broke my heart even if she didn't want to?

I don't want to hate her, I don't want people to hate her because of me, especially if they don't know the Ana I used to know.

Kate is right.

We never gave her a chance to explain herself fully. Only tidbits of information come to my mind when I try to think about Ana trying to explain herself, only whispers in the darkness of my memory and lots of cries, hers and mine.

It's time to turn on the light, the darkness needs to reveal its secrets, so does Ana.

With renewed purpose, I stand up and walk over to Kate, pulling her into a tight hug. She cries at my chest, making me feel miserable since I don't want to lose another friend. Kate can be saved from the simple hatred, Mia is trying to spread. I won't disappoint another friend, I won't lose another friend because of that hatred.

"Kate. You can talk to Ana, you can be friends with her again if you want to. I wouldn't feel hurt. If you feel like she deserves to give an explanation, I wouldn't mind." I whisper as I kiss the top of her hair, seeing from the corner of my eyes how Mia rolls her eyes. I ignore her.

"I am scared." Kate mumbles shyly. "I am scared of Ana's reaction."

"You know Ana, she won't bite your head off, unlike some people." I give Mia a pointed look. "She will be understanding as always, too understanding probably, but she will be honest and thankful for this chance."

A chance I haven't given her, the ultimate cruel thing to do as a friend.

Maybe that's were I have been wrong.

Maybe that's how I can bring our misery to a close.

"You all can do this, by the way." I say as I look at my friends, Kate still in my arms. "If you feel like you have things to talk with Ana, you can do it. Unless you want to hurt her, of course. Don't try to harm her just because you feel it will be like a revenge for what has happened. I wouldn't feel well, knowing that she gets hurt because of people who try to avenge me."

"You still care about her, don't you?" Ethan whispers, looking into my eyes.

I simply nod.

"She isn't well." Luke suddenly says with a worried expression on his voice. Andrea is holding his tightly, probably giving him strength to talk. "Ana is… robotic."

"What do you mean?" I ask with a frown. He sighs deeply before he answers me.

"Since she is back from her parents, she works nonstop like a robot. She looks thinner, I don't know, she just looks unhealthy as if she is ill, or something. Christian stops by a few times a week and he looks the same, always coming in with hope blossoming in his face and always leaving looking like somebody killed his puppy. They don't look happy."

"They don't deserve to be." Mia says with an arrogant grin.

"Shut up, Mia." Ethan surprises us all with his sudden words. "Don't talk about things you obviously don't care about."

Mia, too surprised at her husband's sudden anger, keeps her mouth shut.

"Elliott said that they aren't really together." Kate mumbles as she lets go off of me, drying her face with the back of her hand, her make-up smudged. "Christian and Ana, I mean."

"I thought they were a couple now?" Andrea asks with a curious expression. "I thought he went to get her back to Seattle."

We had found about this thanks to Elliott. It had left a weird taste in my mouth as I had imagined her reunion, back then my feelings were too fresh. A month had passed since then and I had believed that they were being a sickeningly cute couple now.

"Yes, they have tried, but somehow it didn't work out. Elliott suspects that Ana is being too selfless again, probably feels guilty, too."

That sounds like Ana.

I shake my head at that thought, correcting myself.

That sounds like Ana and her usual mistakes.

The girl is back to where she was in February, basically, while I have moved on and started to plan my new life. She needs to give her new life a chance, too.

It seems like Kate isn't the only one who needs to talk to Ana.

* * *

Two days later, I finally find the courage and willpower to visit Ana. Like Kate, I have been fearing her reaction since the night, I have planned to visit her. Of course, Ana is understanding, Ana is too good to be true, but Ana is human in the end. My mind is full of questions, what if she doesn't even bother talking to me like I had done with her, what if she creates a scene, what if she calls me all the names I deserve to be called, I can't stop thinking.

Packed with a serious case of nervousness and an old fashioned, jeans hat I have found in the depths of my now emptier looking wardrobe to cover my red hair – let's be honest, it looks ridiculous on me – on my head, I make my way to my old apartment. I sigh deeply before I ring the bell, waiting to hear her voice on the intercom. It crackles a little before her voice can be heard.

"Hello?" She asks, her voice giving away that she wasn't expecting anyone.

Crap.

What if Christian is there, too? I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him, I have nothing left to tell him.

Double crap.

I don't want him to see me looking like this. I had imagined our next encounter being a few years later, maybe when I am a successful artist dressed in Haute Couture by Dior, and not while I am looking like a hobo with my black and white checkered football shirt and my gray shorts. Don't even let me talk about my hair.

What done is done, I think to myself. I can't just run away now.

"It's me. Leila." I press out, chewing on my lip as I wait for her reaction. She simply buzzes me in. I walk the way up to our – well, I probably should stop calling it 'our' apartment – apartment with a queasy feeling in my bones. I feel how my heart thumps in my chest with every step I take, suddenly feeling like there should be a weird countdown following me since this is the first time, I will see Ana in a really long time. The last time I saw her was the day before she left Seattle. She was sitting at our breakfast bar, sipping on a hot cup of tea while tears streamed down on her face. I had professionally ignored it as I went to my room to cry some myself. I probably should have spoken to her that day, it certainly would have prevented me from this awkward meeting.

Ana is waiting for me with a nervous expression on her face, her hands holding the door knob tightly. Seeing her leaves me breathless, suddenly my whole cool attitude is gone and I feel like crying.

I don't want to cry, though. Crying won't help me at all.

I concentrate on what Luke had told us about Ana looking ill and I realize that he was right.

Ana doesn't look like Ana anymore.

She looks thinner, her eyes too big in her face. I know her well enough to know that she probably stopped eating correctly after what happened. Her mum probably tried to feed her properly when she was over at their place, but in Seattle she probably stopped eating at all, there was no one to take care of her, after all.

Damn you, Christian Grey. Didn't you take care of her?

Another thing to blame him for.

She looks ill, her face looks bland, her whole stature looks broken and weak. She looks like one word of my mouth could shatter her to a million pieces. It's because of all the self-loathing that she is doing all the time, especially when she feels guilty.

Damn you, Christian Grey. Didn't you talk sense into her?

Well, I can't exactly blame him for that. I know best how stubborn Ana is. It's nearly impossible to change her opinion about herself, which makes my task of today so much harder.

She looks like a long lost friend, someone who never will have the same place in your life, but someone who has a great place in your heart, even though she has done you wrong, even though you have shred tears because of her.

I owe her this talk.

"Hi." I say quietly. "Can I come in?"

"H-hi." She stutters, her blue eyes widen at me. "Sure."

When I walk into our – her – apartment, I notice a few changes. The apartment has changed since I moved out, her new roommates stuff is occupying most of it. I realize that before the whole Christian-Leila-Ana drama, my stuff was on focus especially since Ana didn't own too many clutter and the few she did, she had in her own room. My plants and pictures are replaced by science fiction books and academic awards, a billboard with hundreds of post-it notes is hanging over the shoe cabinet in the floor. I squeeze my eyes to get a clearer view of what is written on them, spotting a few to-do lists and a few scribbled scientific formulas.

"Did you move in with _Sheldon Cooper_?" I ask Ana, trying to make a desperate joke. She chuckles lightly, but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"No, but Hillary is majoring in physics, so she has a lot of.. science stuff." Ana answers with a shrug, as she leads me to the living room. I have left all of our furniture when I moved out, even though I had bought some of the stuff myself, but I hadn't wanted a piece of my past.

Awkwardly Ana waits and looks at me as I sit down on the couch. She looks back and forth between me and the kitchen, biting her lip before she asks me if I want something to drink. I decline politely, I am not here to have tea. With a sigh, I tell her to sit down as I take her in, noticing that she is wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, nothing fancy.

"Your hair." She exclaims with widen eyes when I take of my hat, my red waves falling to my shoulders. I had managed to stuff every little strand underneath it, so nobody could see it. People who knew about my recent break-up couldn't stop complimenting me whenever they saw my poor excuse of hair, especially at work. I am tired of people lying to my face.

"Yeah. I had a little change." I say with a shrug, already used to people's reaction. Ana scans my hair with a frown, tilting her head to one side with pursed lips.

"It looks ridiculous." She lets out, making me sigh.

"Right?" I ask, thankful that for the first time someone is telling me the truth. "I told my hairstylist that I wanted to have a fierce red touch, some highlights basically, but apparently, he thought I wanted to look like one of the Weasley's. Not even a cool one like Bill, the guy who is half a werewolf, or Charlie, who deals with dragons. Hell, I don't even look like Ginny, female badass extraordinaire. I look like Percy, the nerd and know-it-all."

"You are a nerd." She simply says, a small smile curling her lips. It's good to see her smile, even though there had been a time in my life where I had wanted to see her cry. Now, I am just ashamed because of my own thoughts. It is ridiculous to wish that my (former) best friend is sad, I don't want to be that kind of person.

"Yes, but I am a badass nerd like Hermione or Luna. That's why I even had thought about dying it blonde, but I feared I would like Elena Lincoln in the end, which is the worst thing that could happen to anyone." I laugh at my own joke, only too late realizing what I have said. Ana's face falls immediately, she looks down at her hands, her fingers fidgeting.

One of the worst things that could happen to you is to fall in love with your best friend's boyfriend. Another one is to lose your best friend and your boyfriend at the same time.

"I mean, I wouldn't want that." I mumble, sighing loudly before I look anywhere but her, feeling like a jerk. "Who would like to look like Elena?"

"No one." She mumbles shyly.

"Exactly. That's why I went with red, but who knew that I would regret it?" I shake my head, it's too late to be sad about it now. "Even pink would have looked better."

"I liked your brown hair. It was pretty and long." She says, her words reminding me too much of Christian, so I change the subject. I want this talk to be over, I have to rip it off like a band-aid, quick and pain-free.

"What is going on, Ana?" I ask her carefully, watching her reaction. She looks up at me with a confused look.

"What do you mean?" She asks, biting her lip.

"I have heard that you are with Christian." I say calmly while she widens her eyes, shaking her head furiously.

"No, I'm not. I'm not with him." She says desperately, as if she is trying to prove me her loyalty, which is ridiculous since she doesn't have to be loyal anymore.

"I'm not saying this as an accusation, Ana. I was just pointing it out since it is important for the rest of our conversation." I gulp down hardly, suddenly feeling shy in my skin. Somehow talking about my ex boyfriend with my best friend, who happened to be the girl he loves, feels awkward.

Awkward describes our whole situation perfectly.

I sigh deeply, brushing my face with my hands, as I try to find the right words. Hell, I probably should have prepared note cards or something. They would have been useful, even if it would look funny, me standing in front of her reading those cards.

"I just… wanted to talk to you." I begin, crossing my legs underneath me. I feel immensely tense, the least I can do is to sit comfortably. "About… well, about us. You, me, and Christian. I know that this talk probably comes too late, I should have done this earlier, but things were too fresh, I guess."

"I don't understand." Ana mumbles as she blushes with anxiety visible on her face.

Yeah, me neither.

"I have been thinking, Ana. A lot. You can guess that I had lots of time to do so since February. I have been thinking about what happened between us and the aftermath, of course. I have questioned my decisions and my behavior and I have come to the conclusion that… I might have been wrong." I say, feeling equally anxious. "I never bothered to talk to you about your feelings, your thoughts and your side of our story. I simply cut you off, which was immensely arrogant and stupid of me. I am here to tell you that I am sorry for that."

"You have nothing to feel sorry about, Leila." She lets out hysterically with a worried look. It's obvious that she still feels guilty, she is still fighting a battle with herself inside her chest, she is fighting against whatever she wants. It's very typical for her to forbid herself her own happiness others don't get hurt. I am certain that this is worst thing you can do to yourself, forbid yourself your own happiness even though it is right in front of you, so close but so far.

"I am the one who needs to apologize. I never wanted to… I never have wanted to hurt you. I tried to stop my f-feelings, I tried to ignore them, b-but Christian.. he couldn't stop. He said he couldn't ignore his feelings anymore. I begged him to forget about me, I begged him to stop saying all these words, but I couldn't make him stop. I'm sorry, Leila. I'm so sorry. I really… tried." Tears stream down her face when she keeps talking, desperately trying to convince me that she is a good friend, making me wonder if I ever deserved someone like her.

No one deserves someone like her.

She is once again proving me that our little gang failed being good friends to her. The realization makes my heart skip a few beats, the sad reality tugs at my conscience with its spiky claws.

"Ana, there was nothing you could have done to prevent that. You do understand that, right?" I whisper, desperately trying to suppress the need to hug her. I don't know if I am ready to take that step yet. "Yes, maybe you should have told me about your feelings for him from the beginning, but what done is done, I guess. I shouldn't have let the others talk me into the madness, I am sorry for their behavior, too. We were really jerks toward you, Ana. You didn't deserve any of this."

"I will never forgive myself for what I have done." She says firmly, ignoring my words. "I will never be happy knowing that I have destroyed your happiness."

"You didn't destroy my happiness, Ana. Now I know that there was no real happiness to live with. Christian and I, no matter how I felt about him, we weren't meant to have an eternal happiness. I know this because his recent behavior has made me understand that I don't want to be with someone who can break my heart that simply." I tell her honestly, my eyes starting to get wet. "I doubt that he is the right one for me."

"How can I be with him when he broke your heart? How can I be with someone who broke your heart?" She asks, her shoulders shaking with her silent cries.

"Because he is your happiness, Ana. If he can do something like that to be with you, then he is meant to be with you. You can't push your happiness away." I try to persuade her, reaching for her hands now. I grasp them tightly, trying to give her an encouraging look.

"I can't be happy with him. I thought I could be, I tried to be, but no matter how much I have tried, I couldn't. Not while I can't stop thinking about you."

"You don't have to think about me, Ana. There is nothing left to be thought about. I gave you my blessing, I told Christian that I am giving you my blessing when he begged me for forgiveness."

She shakes her head furiously, blocking me by withdrawing her hand from mine. She tugs at the hem of her sweatshirt, looking at her fumbling fingers.

"I can't breath the same air as you while I am with him." Ana always had a thing for dramatic words, proving it once again. I smile at her words, sighing before I speak.

"That won't be an issue anymore. Ana, I am moving to Miami." I confess. She is the first person I am telling this and she is the first person who needs to hear that.

Of course, she reacts with shock.

"What? Why? Is it because of me? I will stop seeing him completely if you want me to. I swear, I will." She whines, making me groan annoyed.

"For the love of God, Ana. I am not doing this because of you or anything. I am doing this for me, because I want to go to Miami, I want to live there and I want to take my chance at an art program. I got a scholarship, and they are offering me a new job at the museum and evening classes. I am not running away from you or Christian, so stop running away from your happiness. Hell, you shouldn't run away from it even if I didn't move away, but knowing you, you will never get over that. Ana, you have found what you were always looking for in Christian, you have always waited for your love and now it is right here, but you are pushing it away. Don't do it, please. Not because of me, because no matter what happened, I want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy."

I have decided to build a new life in Miami with new people around me, a new me with my new hair and new ambitions. I have decided to leave my past behind me, I have decided to forget and forgive, I have decided to make Ana see what she is missing.

"You said you loved him since day one, so why miss that while you even have my blessing? Give yourself the happy ending you deserve, Ana." I say with tears streaming down my face, my own feelings too overwhelming.

"I did fall in love with him when we met, yes, but it turned out to be something bigger with time. It scared me most of the time, because I didn't want to disappoint you." She says, hugging her knees.

"This is a goodbye, Ana. I don't know when we will see each other again or if we will see each other again, but I wish you to be happy, because I- I love you. I love you like a sister. Sisters fight, sisters break each others hearts, but sisters forgive. I am forgiving you because I love you."

And with these words, I finally get over my hesitation and reach out toward her, embracing her in a tight hug.

Our lives together might be over, but I will always love her.

* * *

 **One more to go.**

 **Soon. Patience. Gotta work on that chapter and end the story with a bang, right? ;)**

 **Until next time**

 **Melii**


	24. Chapter 24

**This is it. We are at the end. FINALLY!**

 **Thank you to all who encouraged me even when times were rough or when I was immensely lazy.**

 **Thanks to all the Grey's Ladies, my small gang of people who rock my world everyday.**

 **Thanks to my HP & FSOG chick, my second gang consisting of a hilarious Indian girl and a brilliant Australian girl (plus her cute dog, Lucy) who make me laugh even at the rough times of live.**

 **Thanks to my nameless guest reviewers (the nice ones)**

 **Thanks to the constructive critics.**

 **Thanks to EVERYONE!**

 **NOT BETAED!**

* * *

 **For Hope. Go rock that wedding, girl ;)**

* * *

 **24\. Now or never**

"Excellent work, Ana. You are really putting your soul into this."

Warm, brown eyes are looking at me with appreciation sparkling in them, a smile tugging at the lips hidden beneath the gray mustache. I try to smile back, managing to curl my lips although it doesn't reach my eyes. My boss is polite enough not to question my fake smile.

"Thank you, Mr. Roach."

Mr. Roach is the new acting editor in chief, technically my boss' boss, and a welcomed new part of our office since he is always sporting a smile and never hurts anyone with his words when he is angry.

"I'm never angry. I'm only disappointed." He loves to say, telling us that he doesn't get paid for being angry at us.

"I was surprised to see the manuscripts on my desk already, to be honest. I had heard you were fast but this was really unexpected." Mr. Roach goes on as his eyes dart to said manuscript on his desk. He licks his index finger before he starts turning a few pages, revealing all of my notes written in red ink. I have to confess that Boyce Fox, a young author who wants to publish his first book, has a remarkable writing style, although some of his characters lack of humor.

"I had some time over the weekend." I say, anxiously looking toward the door. I want to run away to my office and get away from his smiles, not that he is molesting me, but I favor the closed door of my office where I can stop smiling.

"Well, it's a pleasure working with you." The gray haired man says proudly.

"Would that be all, Mr. Roach?" I ask, already taking a step toward his office's glass door. He nods with a smile, making me sigh inward with relief.

On the way back to my office, I see Hannah, Mr. Roach's assistant, preparing herself a cup of coffee.

"Hey, Ana." She greets me with a wide, all teeth showing grin. Her black, curly hair is bouncing around her face when she tilts her head to one side. "You alright? What did old Roach want?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. He just wanted to thank me for the Boyce Fox thing." I say with a shrug. She lets out a squeal, clasping her hands together. It's not secret that she has a crush on said author.

"He is so dreamy, Ana." She says with her head in the clouds. "I'm hoping that I will get his attention the next time he is here."

"He is an idiot if he hasn't noticed you yet." I say with a smile. Hannah has become more than a colleague in the past few weeks, we have quickly bonded and announced us friends.

"Speaking of dreamy men. _He_ is waiting in your office." She waggles with her eyebrows, her voice breathy. The way she pronounces 'he' gives everything away. I roll my eyes at her and sigh with sunken shoulders, getting tired of his daily visits.

"Thanks, Hannah." I say and make my way to my office, not giving her the chance to swoon over _him_. Maybe I am jealous at the thought that other women find him attractive.

Just like Hannah has said, Christian is waiting for me in my office sitting in one of the chairs in front of my desk with a beaming smile on his pretty lips when he sees me. His gray eyes light up as he jumps up from his chair to greet me with one of his warm hugs. I try not to melt in his arms, but it is really hard not to get lost in the moment.

I hate this.

I hate the hopeful look on his face, I hate to see it every day when he stops by around lunch time ready to whisk me away to our future while I am trying to stay where I am.

I hate to crush his hopes and dreams daily, but he doesn't give up. He hasn't given up since we came back from Savannah weeks ago, he was ready to face the war with me by his side, he was ready for a future with me and he actually wanted to be with me.

I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want a future with Christian while the scars of my past crawl up on my skin to bite their way through my flesh toward my brain and heart where they leave roots, spiky roots that cut my conscience whenever I allow myself to dream about him and me. I don't know if I can live knowing that our happiness is build on somebody else's misfortune.

Christian doesn't agree with me, a first, telling me that Leila gave us our blessing, that she didn't have a problem with us being a couple, she said so herself when he talked to her, he wants to be happy with me, he wants to start a life with me. I wanted all of that, too. In Georgia I had decided to allow myself my own happiness, I had never done that, I had told him and promised him to give us a try when he appeared at my door suddenly, but my whole being had changed when we came back to Seattle. Back in Georgia, it had been no problem to oversee the obvious problems, it had been easy to think that Leila's blessing had a magical effect on our whole situation, but Seattle reminded me of all the things I had done wrong. It reminded me of Leila, it reminded me of what we had done – unintentionally, but still.

I have always mastered the art of self-regulating, it was only normal that I tried to push away my own happiness while my best friend's life – you couldn't call us that at the moment, but she would always be that for me – had been turned upside down just overnight. Christian likes to remind me that I am not responsible for everyone and everything, he likes to say that I should remember that I am only human in the end, too, even though he likes to call me an angel now and then. He doesn't give up, he is waiting patiently which makes things even harder to me because I feel like I am disappointing him. He is the man I love, I hate to hurt him, but I do it every day when I reject him again and again.

"I don't think we should do this, Christian." I had said the first day after we returned to Seattle, the shock of Leila's absence in our apartment fresh in my bones. She had packed all of her things and left, understandably, but it still had shocked me. What had I expected? Just because she had given us her blessing, she didn't have to want to be a part of our lives, of course she wouldn't want to witness our relationship and as my roommate she would have seen more of us than she was willing to see. It had been immensely selfish of me to think that I could live my happiness with her right beside me, the realization had made me question my final decision.

"Ana. Please." Christian had whispered as he realized that I was ending our two days relationship, two days in which we had talked about what we had kept to ourselves since day one, two days in which I had allowed myself to dream, two days I had fallen in love with him even more than before and two days I had given us hope for more.

Too bad that I had ended it exactly as it had started – unexpected and abrupt. All I had to give to him was my friendship, he said he was happy with whatever he got. I didn't believe him, but I knew Christian was giving me the time I needed, I appreciated that.

"Hi, baby." He greets me cheerfully, taking me back to the now and then. I narrow my eyes at him, he blushes before mumbling something.

"Sorry about the nickname. I couldn't resist."

"Hi, Christian." I say, ignoring my treacherous heart as it flutters stupidly in my chest. His nicknames always have that effect on me.

"I brought you something to eat." He nods toward the brown paper bag on my desk before he sits down on his seat. I walk over to my chair and sit down, reaching for the food he has bought for me. Christian had announced that it was one of his duties as a boyfriend to make sure I was well fed at lunch time, an excuse to spend time with me according to him. I had just reminded him that he wasn't technically my boyfriend, making him frown. His frown rarely leaves his face now, I think I cause it mostly. Another thing to feel sorry about. Great.

"This wasn't necessary, but thanks." I mumble as I unwrap the sandwich he has gotten for me. I try not to smile when I notice that he has bought me one minus pickles, knowing well that I hate them.

"Are you not going to eat?" I ask him, noticing that he has nothing for himself with him. He shakes his head, his dark copper hair bobbing around his head.

"I had mine already. You enjoy yours." Christian says with a smile. I blush under his stare, asking him if he wants something to drink then. I offer him a cup of coffee which he gladly accepts, but instead of letting me get it for him, he walks out of my office to get it for himself since he doesn't want interrupt my lunch. In the past few weeks he has been over at lunch time nearly every day so people around here know him well enough now. They don't frown when he makes himself a cup of coffee at the kitchen, they greet him warmly, asking him who he is. I had forbidden him to introduce himself as my boyfriend, only Hannah suspected something since her brown eyes could practically see through me.

Christian and I have kind of a routine.

He brings me food, he drinks his coffee, he stares at me with longing eyes while I pretend to work, enjoying the food he brought for me and trying to escape his silent pleas. I know what he is asking for, I know what he is waiting for, but I don't give him what he wants, what he needs. The thought alone kills me.

Just like every day, Christian leaves after twenty-five minutes, hugging me once again before he leaves. I try not to take a deep breath in his arms, his smell bewitching my mind. I need to have a clear head around him and I kinda wish I could stay away from him completely, but I am too selfish to do that. I want him around me even if I can't have him, even if guilt brews inside me like a thick, hot substance.

"Elliott, Jason and I will be going to Seatdown tonight. It's Karaoke Friday." He tells me casually just before he leaves. I notice how his whole body tenses up as he regards me with a sad look.

"You could come, too." He adds shyly.

My whole body trembles as I hate myself more and more for crushing his hopes, for rejecting him more and more with each passing second. Christian needs answers from me, answers I can't give him now. I don't know if I will ever be able to answer him, I don't know if he will wait for me forever. The selfish part of me hopes so, but the more rational part of my brain scolds me for even contemplating that.

I wouldn't be angry at him if he should decide not to bother with me. I don't deserve anything else.

"I will work tonight from home."

He visibly frowns at my words, opening his pretty mouth to say something, but at the last second he decides against it. With a final hug, he is gone.

I cry after him just like everyday.

* * *

After work I go home immediately, rejecting Hannah's offer to have some drinks with her group of friends. I am happy to notice that my new roommate, Hillary, is absent since the last thing I need today is her overly enthusiastic aura and high voice. Hopefully, I will be able to escape to my room before she comes home.

Leila's sudden decision to move out had left me in a bad fix since I couldn't afford to pay the rent myself. As desperate as I was I had looked for a new roommate, ignoring Christian's offer to move in together although my stupid heart had liked that idea. Soon enough, I had found Hillary, a girl who was majoring in Physics at the University of Seattle and who had a weird obsession with superheroes. She had looked nice enough with her short, curly blonde hair and her thick framed glasses. Beside being too chatty she is a good roommate.

I change into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, warming up a plate of leftovers for myself in the microwave. Afterward I wash my dishes and go to my room, contemplating to take a nap. Since my daily crying fit around lunch time, my head has been throbbing. Maybe a nap could help, I think.

I don't get to sleep though.

The loud noise of the bell interrupts my pathetic try of getting some sleep, making me curse whoever it is. I suspect that it is Hillary, she often times forgets her keys.

"Hello?" I say into the intercom.

"It's me. Leila."

Her voice takes me by surprise, she is the last person I have expected. My heart skips a beat as I realize that I missed hearing her voice. Immediately my eyes wet, but I suppress the tears, I don't want to cry.

What is doing here?

I don't know if I have the strength to look into her eyes now, not today, not after I felt like shit when I rejected Christian again.

My body reacts at its own, my finger simply buzzing her in while I'm internally screaming. I feel anxiety bubbling in my stomach, there is a possibility that I might puke or faint when I see her. I open the door for her as she takes the stairs, holding the door knob tightly for support. I suspect that a look of her face will make my feet lose the ground underneath them.

And I am right.

When she is standing in front of me, I feel like fainting.

The first thing I notice is that she looks thinner, she has lost some weight, but she still looks healthy. I know Leila well enough to know that she probably started working out after she drowned her heartbreak in sweets and snacks. Her petite body looks fitter now, although her weird clothing choice consisting of an old black and white checkered football shirt and a pair of gray shorts is hiding her curves. Uncharacteristically for Leila, she is also wearing a hat.

The next thing I notice is the nervous look on her face, her blue eyes widen, her upper lip twitching slightly every few seconds. She doesn't wear any make-up which makes me arch brows, I don't think Leila has left the house without make-up before. She probably feels too much like shit to do make-up, another thing I can feel guilty about. I gulp down the tears.

I really missed her.

I don't think I have ever missed someone like this.

She is like a soul from another live, something I can barely remember, but the few memories of her are vibrant enough to make my whole body tingle.

"Hi. Can I come in?" She asks quietly, making me want to tell her that she can do whatever she wants to do. I have no right to forbid her something.

"H-hi. Sure." I stutter, letting her in. With a rapidly beating heart I watch her tentatively as she takes in the changes in what used to be our apartment. Her blue eyes wander around Hillary's stuff, she jokes about them, asking me if I moved in with _Sheldon Cooper_ , being the Leila I remember, although her eyes look different.

Confidently Leila walks up to the couch in the living room where she sits down with ease, she doesn't look angry or sad. I can't read her which makes me frown because I don't know what to expect from her. I wonder what this visit means, I wonder what she is trying to achieve.

Suddenly, my internal questions are interrupted by the image in front of me.

My eyes widen when red hair cascades over her slim shoulders when she takes off her hat, gone is the brown I loved so much. It now looks like a mixture of an angry shade of red and a dark burgundy. I have to say that I hate it because it is nothing like her. Leila isn't the person for shrill colors, she is soft and gentle like chocolate.

"Your hair." I exclaim before tilting my head to one side as I inspect every little detail of her face. Her eyes look too big in her face, she has lost some weight just like me, the skin underneath them is blueish, she is probably having troubles with her sleep, her face isn't covered with any make-up. I wonder if we have destroyed her so much that she doesn't even care about her appearance any more, the guilt is back like a thick, green liquid in my guts as it burns every fiber of my being. I try to suppress it by saying the next thought that comes to my mind.

"It looks ridiculous." I let out, feeling awful the next second because I didn't want to hurt her. She just snorts, telling me that she had only asked for a fierce red touch and some highlights, while her hairstylist thought it meant she was willing to look like one of the Weasley's. Of course she uses a Harry Potter reference, she is such a nerd. I tell her so, even smiling at the thought, my mind full of memories of us watching Harry Potter over and over again while she recited every little sentence.

"Yes, but I am a badass nerd like Hermione or Luna. That's why I even had thought about dying it blonde, but I feared I would like Elena Lincoln in the end, which is the worst thing that could happen to anyone." Leila laughs at her own joke, while her words hit me out of nowhere.

The worst thing that could happen to anyone is what happened to us. Two best friends falling in love with the same man, the end of their friendship written in the stars since day one.

Leila is quick to notice the sorrow in my face, hell my whole being must give it away, she changes the subject, talking about dying her hair pink. I quietly tell her that I liked her brown hair, that it was pretty and long, her next words ending the superficial talk about hair colors.

"What is going on, Ana?" She asks carefully, her blue eyes on my face. I give her a confused look, asking her what she is talking about while I bite my lip. I don't know what is going on in my own life, I have lost track of the actions around me while I have tried to drown my sadness and my heartbreak in my work, every manuscript I read a welcomed distraction from the obvious.

"I have heard that you are with Christian." Leila says calmly, her tone not sounding accusing, but my conscience registers it that way only. I shake my head, my eyes still widen, as I tell her that I am not with him, how could I be, trying to prove my loyalty to her if there is something left to be proved. My head feels numb, as if there is lots of extra air pressuring my brain inside my head, sitting in front of her talking about the man we love is nothing I enjoy.

The feeling doesn't leave as Leila tells me that she didn't mean to accuse me of anything, she just wanted to begin the important conversation we needed to have. My guilt will never leave, I fear.

Leila looks as if she is feeling awkward as she sighs loudly, her hands fumbling with her face – a nervous gesture. I know all of her gestures, I can read her like an open book. This girl was my best friend, my sister, for years, I know so much about her. The thought of losing her saddens me again.

Her next word confuse me, making me frown at her as anxiety spreads in my body.

"I just wanted to talk to you. About, well, about us. You, me and Christian. I know that this talk probably comes too late, I should have done this earlier, but things were too fresh, I guess." She doesn't notice it, but I catch how she stutters when she says his name, my hear clenching in pain. This girl has difficulties saying his name out loud, of course she still must have feelings left for him. Feelings that I am standing in the way of, my whole being is standing in the way of her happiness and her love. Maybe I shouldn't have been born in the first place, maybe we never should have met or become friends.

I hate myself for being the villain in our sad, little story.

I hate myself for letting this happen, I should have tried to prevent this somehow.

"I have been thinking, Ana. A lot. You can guess that I had lots of time to do so since February. I have been thinking about what happened between us and the aftermath, of course. I have questioned my decisions and my behavior and I have come to the conclusion that I might have been wrong. I never bothered to talk to you about your feelings, your thoughts and your side of our story. I simply cut you off, which was immensely arrogant and stupid of me. I am here to tell you that I am sorry for that." Leila says, gulping down hardly.

"You have nothing to feel sorry about, Leila." I cry out, hating myself more and more. She isn't the one who should be sorry, she did nothing wrong. "I am the one who needs to apologize. I never wanted to hurt you. I tried to stop my feelings, I tried to ignore them, but Christian, he couldn't stop. He said he couldn't ignore his feelings anymore. I begged him to forget about me, I begged him to stop saying all these words, but I couldn't make him stop. I'm sorry, Leila. I'm so sorry. I really tried."

I have no control over the tears that stream down my cheeks, silently begging for forgiveness.

I hope that she will be able forgive me one day, remembering our fond memories together instead of my betrayal. I hope that she will forgive me, even if she forgets me. I don't deserve her forgiveness, but that's all I have left to ask from her.

I hope that Christian will be able to forgive me for giving him hope before crushing it. I hope he won't hate me when he moves on, which he will eventually.

And I hope I will be able to forgive myself one day, too, even though I know it will be hard. If I am hoping to forgive myself, why am I not doing it, I think to myself with a frown.

"Ana, there was nothing you have done to prevent that. You do understand that, right?" Leila whispers, her eyes wet as she regards me with a grimaced face. "Yes, maybe you should have told me about your feelings for him from the beginning, but what done is done, I guess. I shouldn't have let the others talk me into the madness, I am sorry for their behavior, too. We were real jerks toward you, Ana. You didn't deserve any of this."

How can she still be sorry for what had happened to me? I had deserved everyone's ire, even if it had hurt me.

"I will never forgive myself for what I have done. I will never be happy knowing that I have destroyed your happiness." I say firmly with pursed lips, my mantra now spoken out loud. She looks at me as if I am crazy, her tone a little annoyed when she speaks.

"You didn't destroy my happiness, Ana. Now I know that there was no real happiness to live with. Christian and I, no matter how I felt about him, we weren't meant to have an eternal happiness. I know this because his recent behavior has made me understand that I don't want to be with someone who can break my heart that simply. I doubt that he is the right one for me."

Doesn't she understand what she is saying? She says that he broke her heart, that she can't be with someone who broke her heart so simply. I ask her how I could be with him then, how could I be with the man who broke her heart.

"Because he is your happiness, Ana. If he can do something like that to be with you, then he is meant to be with you. You can't push your happiness away." She says softly as she reaches for my hands, grasping them tightly as we cry silently.

Can I really be with him if I know what he was willing to do to be with me? His motives might have been pure, he had never wanted to hurt Leila, but his actions were too selfish. Could a relationship build on a selfish act survive?

"I can't be happy with him. I thought, I could be, I tried to be, but no matter how much I have tried, I couldn't. Not while I can't stop thinking about you." I confess quietly, thinking about the short, two days we spent in Seattle as a couple. My guilt had been eating me from inside out while I tried to convince myself that I deserved to be happy, that I deserved to be with Christian, but in the end, I had hurt him and myself even more when I finally realized that I couldn't be with him while our past shadowed over us.

I tell her that I can't breath the same air as her while I am with him, still feeling obliged to explain myself to her even though there is no friendship left to think of.

"That won't be an issue anymore. Ana, I am moving to Miami." Leila says suddenly, taking me by surprise.

"What? Why? Is it because of me? I will stop seeing him completely if you want me to. I swear, I will." I whine, thinking that it's because of me, it has to be, she can't bare seeing me with Christian or even hearing about. The knowledge that we are happy together alone must pain her, just like the way it pains me. I am fighting against my own happiness because I think it is build on her misfortune, I am disgusted at the thought of being selfish.

"For the love of God, Ana. I am not doing this because of you or anything. I am doing this for me, because I want to go to Miami, I want to live there and I want to take my chance at an art program. I got a scholarship, and they are offering me a new job at the museum and evening classes. I am not running away from you or Christian, so stop running away from your happiness. Hell, you shouldn't run away from it even if I didn't move away, but knowing you, you will never get over that. Ana, you have found what you were always looking for in Christian, you have always waited for your love and now it is right here, but you are pushing it away. Don't do it, please. Not because of me, because no matter what happened, I want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy." Leila whines angrily, her cheeks reddening with frustration as her eyes can't hold the tears anymore. "You said you loved him since day one, so why miss that while you even have my blessing? Give yourself the happy ending you deserve, Ana."

Is it this easy, I wonder in thought. Is it this easy to forgive and to forget?

How can she be over him already? How can she give us her blessing? Is Leila even more selfless than me? Is she willing to let us to be happy because she thinks we are meant to be? Maybe she was right, maybe this wasn't about us at all, though. She is going to Miami because she wants to start a new life there, build up something of her own and find her own path. I understand that this not Leila running away, this is Leila setting herself free.

She wants to cut off her past, including me and Christian, making peace with everyone and anything before starting a new life. I am in awe with her, I wish I could make peace with the demons in my chest, demons which whisper dark thoughts into my ear, demons which try to convince me that I don't deserve happiness, even though I had met it just nearly 8 months ago on a Friday night in September. One look had been enough to make me fall for him, but the time we spent together had made me fall in love with him.

"I did fall in love with him when we met, yes, but it turned out to be something bigger with time. It scared me most of the time, because I didn't want to disappoint you." I mumble, hugging my knees, my emotions chaotic. I don't know what I am trying to achieve with my words, I don't know if I am trying to explain myself to her or if I am trying to explain my own motives to me. Leila reacts as if she already knows what I am talking about.

"This is a goodbye, Ana. I don't know when we will see each other again or if we will see each other again, but I wish you to be happy, because I love you. I love you like a sister. Sisters fight, sisters break each others hearts, but sisters forgive. I am forgiving you because I love you."

Love.

Love is the answer to all of this, I realize.

Love is the reason why Christian left Leila. It is the reason why I stood away from him for so long, my love for Leila equaling my love for him. It is the reason why Leila was so hurt, because the two people she loved most had betrayed her. It is the reason why I have felt so guilty, my love for her made it impossible for me to live my love for Christian.

Love is also the reason why Leila could forgive me so easily. Her love for me meant more than any grudge she could hold.

Love is the reason why Christian didn't give up on me, why he waited patiently for me, why he even bothered with me.

Love is forgiving and love is accepting.

Love is to look into someone's eyes and see everything you need in this world.

Three simple words put together in one sentence can mean so much more than any action, any moment and any memory. _I love you_ only counts if it is said honestly, even if most people misuse it to get what they want. It is a powerful thing to say in any language, giving you power and weakening you at the same time. You open up your heart to someone, you show them a piece of your soul and you let them in, taking risks and taking responsibilities, but you do it gladly because you know it will be worth it.

The queasy feeling in your guts and the way your heart flutters rapidly in your chest as you look into your opponent's eyes, the feeling of being whole even though you are two individual pieces of a two pieced puzzle, the feeling of missing someone even though he is right beside you, all of these will be worth it.

All of these mean Christian to me.

He is the one who makes me feel insecure and confident at the same time. He is the one who makes me feel stronger like a warrior who fights her battles bravely. He is the one who makes me feel like a small child who searches comfort in his arms. He is the one who makes me remind myself each day that life has a meaning now. I never thought I would be one of these women whose lives revolve around a man, my feminist side couldn't understand that thought, but with I know that it has nothing to do with him being a man or me being a woman, it's about two people who love each other, their lives linked in any way possible.

As I watch Leila leave, as I watch her start a new life, as I watch her leave the scars of our past where they belong, I know that I have to start a new life, too.

A new life with Christian.

He has been waiting for me for so long now, I have ached for him for so long now, thinking that the feeling of despair would never end, but now we finally had a chance, a real chance without me taking two steps back.

If Leila can forgive me, even though I don't deserve it, I have to forgive myself, too. If I want Christian, if I want to leave the scars of our past in the past, I have to forgive myself.

In the end, it only matters what I am thinking about myself. In the end, the only peace I need is my inner peace.

In the end, I finally can run into Christian's arms where my heart beats and where I belong.

With a new sense of being, I change my sweats and t-shirt combo into the first outfit I find – a red shirt with shirt sleeves, a pair of washed jeans and a black Cardigan – before quickly brush my hair. I need to find Christian, I need to tell him that I am done being without him.

I am done being unhappy. He is my happiness, I am done pushing my own happiness away, I am done pushing him away. Leila is right, it's ridiculous to forbid myself the love I have been waiting for. It's ridiculous to forbid myself my own happiness just because I think I owe people an explanation, because I thin I owe anyone anything.

With guilt eating me up from the inside, I have done the mistake to let other people's opinion about me, about me and Christian, about us stand in the way of our happiness, thinking that this way I could excuse my mistakes. I thought about my former friends opinion about me, I thought about the frowns on their faces whenever they saw me after Christian left Leila for me, I thought about Leila who didn't look at me at all, and I thought about the girl looking at me in the mirror and how disgusted I felt with myself, all of these made it impossible for me to allow myself the happiness with Christian. I felt ashamed with myself, thinking that I destroyed my friend's relationship, only now realizing that people shouldn't blame me for something I never intended to do and my so called friends should have known this about me, they should have known that I'm not the person to do something like that.

I didn't deserve their anger.

Leila was the only one who had the right to be angry or disappointed, especially when the events were too fresh. She was the only one who had the right to be irrational, her heart too broken to be logical, but in the end, Leila herself told me that she should have talked to me, that they all should have talked to me.

Leila had done something immensely selfless tonight: she had helped me find my happiness even though it was with the man who had broken her heart.

The drive to Seatdown feels longer than it actually is while I have to keep myself from jumping up and down in my seat at the back of a cab, the cabbie shoots me suspicious looks. He probably thinks I'm high on something and if he asked me, I would probably tell him that I'm high on love, no matter how cheesy that sounds. Actually, I ache for cheesy stuff, the sweet and annoying stuff, all the stuff which is featured in romantic comedies, used and overused since the invention of romcoms. I never had the chance to have those moments and after what I have been through I think I deserve every single one of them.

I want them all to be with Christian. Hopefully he will want to be a part of it, otherwise I might have a problem.

Oh boy.

What if he rejects me now? I wouldn't judge him, I have been rejecting him for a while now and he has never given up on me. If my rejections hurt him, he didn't show it. I doubted that I would show the same strength.

I guess I would have to risk it.

I am aware that the risk is there, but I'm also aware that I love him. I am all now or never, I have so much to lose but even more to win.

It's like playing Russian roulette. Either I die or I stay alive a little longer, but life will feel more vibrant because I escaped death.

Life with Christian Grey will feel vibrant, it will help me escape my personal hell: the feeling of being barely alive.

"Your change, Miss." The cabbie shouts at me when I leave the cab without bothering to take the money he is holding toward me. I close the door fiercely, hoping that will make him understand that he can keep the extra money. For all I care, I could have left my whole purse.

Seatdown is crowded, typical for a Friday night and even more typical for the occasional karaoke nights Jose loves to host and which I have been avoiding like the plague. The noises of amateur singers, beer bottles being popped open and voices of people chitchatting after a week of hard work greet me when I enter. My eyes first spot the owner, Jose Rodriguez, at the bar where he helps his employees to take orders from the eager customers, but he is not the one I am looking for so I try to peek over the busy room, trying to spot the dark copper colored hair of the man I love. He was going to meet with his friends tonight, probably letting out steam, steam which I have caused with my rejections.

Just when my eyes spot him sitting with his brother and Jason, the girl on stage who was singing a song from Beyonce earns a wild round of applause for her performance, a few even stand up as they clap their hands, whistling encouragingly. With a confident smile, the girl bows down before her audience, obviously enjoying herself. I envy her immediately, I wish I could have the guts to pull a stunt like that.

 _One day I'm gonna make you sing._

Suddenly I hear Christian's voice inside my head, whispering the same words just like many months ago. It had been the night after our Christmas shopping, he and I had spent the night at Leila and my apartment drinking beer and talking. He had told me a lot about himself that night, especially about his feelings after his cousin's death, opening up to me. At the same night he had said the promising words, nearly daring me to sing, maybe even hoping for it.

It is the ultimate proof of braveness in my case, performing live in front of strangers with my shaky voice and my fluttering heart, but I would do it for him. He is worth the possible humiliation. Besides I am too high on endorphin and oxytocin to care about the possible aftermath of a poor stage performance.

Who cared what other people thought of my terrible voice when the love of my life was sitting in the same crowd? Who cared about humiliation when the man I loved was ready to love me back?

With renewed purpose, I make my way over to the bar, careful not to get caught by Christian, Elliott or Jason because I kinda want to surprise him with my sudden appearance. Even though I just had a brave moment, I still feel a little queasy so I order a glass of water for myself.

"Hey, Ana." Jose greets me with a beaming smile. Placing my drink in front of me. Kate always liked to tease me with the fact that Jose has a crush on me, but I deliberately ignored it each time. Even though Jose could be considered handsome, he isn't exactly my type. Plus he has kinda the reputation to favor the company of more than one woman at a time. Last year he had even asked me out once, but I had declined kindly and a little arrogantly, feeling sorry for a moment because I hadn't wanted to hurt him. But he had been over it quite fast because at the end of the same night, I had caught him making out with another girl. He still flirts with me, though.

"Hey, Jose. Can I ask you something?" I lean forward as I have to shout my words at him because a guy is just massacring the lyrics of what is supposed to be _Eye of the Tiger_ on stage. The crowd doesn't look all too happy about it.

Jose arches one eyebrow at me, a grin spreading on his face.

"What can I do for you, Ana?" He says flirtatiously, making me curse myself as I blush. I probably should have worded myself differently. Well, Jose would have made an innuendo out of everything, I try to tell myself.

"I want to sing the next song. Do I have to wait? Is there a list? I kinda can't wait. Can you get me on stage as soon as possible? Please." I ramble, feeling nervous. I need some liquid courage.

"Oh. And can I have two Tequila shots?"

Tequila and I had said farewell to each other a few years ago, but I know that it's the only thing which can really help me at the moment. It always loosens my tongue and makes me more confident.

"Just two? I can give you more if you want to. Anything you want to." Jose says, making me roll my eyes. I think he wants to get me drunk, I wonder what Christian would do if he found out about Jose's not so pure intentions.

"No, that will be enough. What about the singing thing?" I ask him a little annoyed and impatient. I want to sing now – or at least try to sing. Crap. What should I sing? Something romantic? Something cool? Something cheesy?

We don't even have a song together yet. If we had I could have sang it now. I try to remember every single love song I know, but the only one that comes to my mind is _Can't take my eyes off you_ by Lauryn Hill, it's certainly not Christian's style, neither mine but it's all I have now. I guess it will have to work, and the lyrics are quite fitting actually. I just hope I won't massacre it.

I thank Jose when he bring me my shots, gulping them down immediately. I am relieved when he tells me that I am up next, the DJ is waiting for me to tell him the song I want to sing. It's my mission to get to the stage without drawing Christian's attention, Jose gladly helps me by leading me toward the stage with his bulking figure blocking the view of me, promising me he won't tell the boys that I am here until I am on stage. I deliberately don't look over to where Christian is sitting, since a look of him could make my knees wobble. I'm already counting the seconds until the girl on stage finishes her song, my heart beating rapidly against my chest as nervousness spreads in my body. I blush from head to toe, chewing on my bottom lip as I wait and wait, the urgent need to pee announcing itself. I will have to hold it in.

 _Look what I am doing for you, Christian Grey. I am holding in my pee for you._

This is it, I think. This is me pursuing my happiness with him. We have come a long way, we have survived so much, we have endured so much, but in the end we are finally one step away from being a couple, from being just us in our tiny, happy bubble isolated from harsh words and anything that could separate us. One song and he will know, one song and he will finally get an answer.

" _Marry me, Ana."_

His words had been whispered when he hold me in his arms the first night we spent together back at my parent's place. We had just lied side by side, of course in each others arms, slow and lazy kisses exchanged but nothing more since I had been horrified at the though of having sex with him for the first time with my parents sleeping only two rooms away from us. Christian had drawn small circles on the skin of my arm, his lips gently kissing the top of my head as I told him about my days in Savannah, about how much I had cried, about how much I had loved and missed him, when he suddenly interrupted me with those three, simple words which put together meant so much more just like _I love you_.

I had told him that I would have to think about it, everything was too fresh. I even had questioned his sanity since he practically knew nothing about me, especially about me as a girlfriend. He had just pointed at his chest where his heart beat underneath, telling me that he knew that he loved me and that was more than enough.

"Which song?" The DJ pulls me back to the presence as the last tunes of a song play. I hesitate before I tell him my song. He wishes me good luck before he tells me which screen to look at to read the lyrics, handing me a mic.

As I slowly make my way to the middle of the stage, I feel the heat of the spotlights on my flushed face, my legs trembling. My guts feel twisted, hopefully I won't puke. I feel everyone's eyes on me, including the surprised looking gray eyes I love so much, but I decide to ignore everyone else except him. Nobody else matters.

Our eyes met, his widen with surprise, mine widen with anxiety. He mouths my name, tilting his head to one side and I simply smile at him with a shaky breath, grasping the mic in my hand tightly as the first tunes of my song start playing. I stare at him while I sing, cringing whenever I hit an awful high note, seeing him relax more and more. He grins at me, his whole being lightens up, the constant frown on his face now gone as he listens to my words, probably remembering that I once told him that I hate karaoke with passion. My anxiety leaves soon, making room for a giddy feeling of humongous joy, a big grin spreading on my face. I lose track of the song, my eyes dart to the monitor and I quickly catch up with the lyrics, making it even worse since I read the wrong line first, but what done is done. I don't care, I only have eyes for him anyway, but I stay until the end because I enjoy it very much.

 _You're just too good to be true_

 _I can't take my eyes off you_

 _You'd be like heaven to touch_

 _I wanna hold you so much_

 _At long last love has arrived_

 _And thank God I'm alive_

 _You're just too good to be true._

This is the moment I have been scared off for so long now, thinking that I would steal him from Leila, thinking that I would destroy her happiness, but he was never hers to steal and he was never her happiness, Leila said so herself.

I believe that God, the universe or whoever is responsible for everything that is called life had its plans for the three of us since day one. I believe this was supposed to happen exactly like this so I could learn a lesson, a lesson to allow myself the love I deserve. Christian and I, our whole relationship, was meant to be build on the scars of our past, our love the only thing that could heal our wounds, making all the pain we endured worth the wait.

As I sing the last words of the song, I am practically jumping up and down where I stand, anxious to run toward Christian. He looks just like me, his foot rapidly tapping against the floor as he beams up at me with his no prisoners taking smile, his eyes giving away everything he is feeling.

Love.

I don't wait for the applause I get from the too polite audience – let's all be honest, I massacred that song -, I simply throw the mic toward the DJ who is quick enough to catch it with a disapproving frown on his face, before I jump down from the stage and practically run toward the man I love.

I am in his arms, crying at his chest as I tell him that I love him over and over again, only barely hearing the applause of our audience. His sweet Christian smell fills my nostrils, it's the smell of what home is for me now. I want everything I own to smell like that, my clothes, my apartment, my bed. I want to be surrounded by it, by him. He grasps my face with his hands, roughly kissing my forehead, my nose, my cheeks, even my chin, ending each kiss with an _I love you,_ before his lips finally land on mine. I hold onto his arms as he kisses me, roughly, wildly, desperately, not bothering to be slow and gentle. He has waited for this too long to be gentle, I don't judge him. Beside I enjoy his kisses, any way they are.

"I thought you wouldn't sing for a million dollars." He whispers at my mouth, a smile tugging at his lips even though his eyes are as wet as mine.

"I would sing for you." I say with a shrug, earning another fierce kiss which makes my toes curl.

"Is this what I think it is?" He asks shyly, worry shadowing his features now. I nod, biting my lip.

"This is me fighting for us. This is me loving you. This is now or never. I want to love you now, I never want to doubt us. I want to be with you now, I never want to leave you." I answer him with a shaking voice, my emotions overwhelming me. I don't know how the love I feel for him is ever going to be enough, it seems like I can't get enough of it.

"Fucking finally." He says with a grin, lounging forward to hug me tightly. I laugh at his words, melting in his arms.

"You say it like it took me an eternity." I joke, batting my eyelashes at him. He rolls his eyes, rubbing his stubble against my cheek. It feels surprisingly good, I like it.

"We have been through hell."

"But we are worth it."

And this time I mean it.

No matter what happened, no matter what happens from now on, we will be worth it because we are meant to be.

Christian Grey is my happy ending.

* * *

 **That's it.**

 **Melii xoxo**

 **P.S.: No epilogue planned, maybe a future One Shot which will contain the lemon I haven't given you in this story. Sorry :D**


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